WIDESTI Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 Here is the story: My fiancé and I have been together for 2+ years. After a few months of dating she got pregnant. Things were great between us in the beginning, the happiest time of my life. As time went on, through the pregnancy as a young mom still finishing school and a dad who’s supporting the family things got rough. I was selfish at first and we just didn’t get along arguing and fighting. Little arguments and fights continued, I ended up moving out of her parents and just slept over on weekends here and there so we wouldn’t butt heads as much. Our fights consisted of disagreements, there wasn’t even yelling involved. Currently things have been good for the past few months. I grew to learn and be a better dad and to put my things aside and put my son and fiancé first in every decision I make. Arguments are less and she tells me I have changed and been a great dad. However, things have gotten less intimate and we feel very disconnected. Now our son is now 1.5 years old and she tells me she is not in love with me. We have had these small separations a couple times but never did it feel as serious as this. Less than a week ago she was excited that we were opening escrow on our first home and was excited to move in together. She says she does not want to be in the relationship and does not want to try and does not want to get married anymore. She says she still cares A LOT about me, hates seeing me hurt and hurting me. She still expects me to go over and watch our son at her parents (she still wants me to keep the house keys), but it’s tough and comforting at the same time seeing her around the house. So when I’m there I try and not bring up the relationship questioning and just make friendly convo. Is there a chance in saving this? Do I just need to give her space? Is she just stressed out (full time school/field work/gym/taking care of son)? Is it even possible to fall back in "love"? She is the ONE for me and I want to keep our family together.
weddersinnes Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 I really feel for you. I hope she comes around and makes the best decision for her child in the end. I truly believe that relationships take a lot of work to maintain the sort of love and trust that it requires to stay together. She really needs to wake up and realize that this decision doesn't only effect herself and you anymore, and it would be in your child's best interest to try to work it out. If the only issue is a lack of intimacy lately, well, what does she expect with a kid? That's what happens. From what I understand from your post, it seems like she is being quite selfish about this and expects things to continue on as they were before you both became parents. I think you need to talk to her about what the issue is and what would be the best way to go about it for your child. If she thinks the problem is magically going to go away with another man, well, she's in for a sad surprise. Relationships take a lot of sacrifice, and adding a child makes that sacrifice go up 10 fold. I wish you the best of luck.
weddersinnes Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 oh yes, and to answer your question, I DO believe people can fall back in love. I really do. It might require making more of an effort for romance and whatnot from both people, but I really do believe it can happen.
flitzanu Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 you should pay close attention to what she's saying. there's no hidden message here, she's telling you the truth on how she feels and doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you.
mammasita Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 I agree with all of the above. Listen to what she says, she's telling you the truth about how she feels right now. Howeve, I also believe that it IS possible to fall back in love. The catch is that the only way to rekindle what you had is to give her space. The downside is that there is no guarantee, but IMO it's the only option.
Chi townD Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 Start doing the 180 when you're around her.
Author WIDESTI Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 I will try and ignore her and do the 180 when I'm around. She is a great mom and has been a great person in the relationship. She is VERY family oriented so it must've taken a while for her to make this decision. The only flaw is that she never really focused on the relationship as much as she did our son. Not saying it is a bad thing, but they should be both worked on. I will do everything I can when I'm there to NOT bring up the relationship talk. Everyone (her mom, her dad, her brothers) all want us to be together. Just yesterday while I was there she wanted me to stay cuz her mom was brining home food. Hoping I can take it slow without pushing her away. Any more advice would be greatly appreciated. It really hurts to know that what I thought and finally settled down to would turn into something I have to fight so hard for. It's also tought because we have a son and that we will be in each others lives forever
Author WIDESTI Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 has anyone had any success stories with a similar situation. I wouldn't want to try so hard if it wsnt for my son.
KatZee Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Honestly, I would print out this link and have her read it, and I would also suggest MC/CC for the both of you. It's so easy for people to be like, "I don't love you anymore, bye." Relationships take A LOT of work, and unfortunately less than 5% of the population actually get through to the 5th stage of a relationship. The five stages of a relationship : Stltoday
Mack05 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 (edited) has anyone had any success stories with a similar situation. I wouldn't want to try so hard if it wsnt for my son. I am sure they are success stories and things working out against the odds BUT the harsh reality is that this relationship is probably over. When a woman tells you she no longer loves you then she no longer loves you. As Flitz says there is no hidden message. It's not something thats said lightly and usually takes awhile to get to a place where someone no longer loves you. I think a huge problem here is age and maturity. You say your ex is still in school? These days having a child when you are young is very difficult. Sure our parents did it, but they lived in a different generation, without the same choices and options as the youth (in many countries) have today. Your ex will see her friends partying, travelling, being free to enjoy their youth and will feel a certain jealously towards them. Don't get me wrong she wouldn't give your son up for anything, but be under no illusions that having a baby young is very hard. No matter how good the support network you have around you. Couples who decide to have kids, should do it after years of knowing each other happily. When they are ready emotionally and financially for such a life long commitment. They should know each other inside out, they should now how to communicate effectively, want the same things out of life. These are the circumstances that give the best chance of a happy home for all involved. I know you want to be part of a happy family with your boy, but believe me I have seen it with my friends who had kids young. They take there resentment (which builds up slowly over the years) out on each other and the happy environment they would dream for their child is the exact opposite. Life is hard and it gets harder before it gets easier. Staying together for the sake of the child is not worth it and your ex has figured this out. You therefore have to accept her decision as hard as that is. Now its about your son and doing the best by him. Is they anyway you can see him without her there? The next few months will be very hard. A lot of differing emotions. It's a lot to take in. We all believe as we hit adulthood that everything will work out. We have fun, then meet the one. Get married and have kids and happy ever after. Sadly its never that simple. I would be surprised if you ever get back together and if you do be prepared for problems you didn't even see before. Also relationships are about trust. Hard to trust and have faith when your girl says she doesn't love you anymore.. Best of luck mate. Try let this time be about self improvement and more importantly your son. Respect your ex and make your boys life as happy as possible. Edited November 6, 2012 by Mack05
Author WIDESTI Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 she is 23. im 26, its true that she is surrounded by broken families in which her friends who had kids in high school now are separated. What is crazy is less than a week ago she was excited telling her mom we were getting the house and how she was going to move in a decorate it... It has been hard so far, but to be honest the only time that helps is when I go over to her place to be with my son.
Mack05 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 (edited) she is 23. im 26, its true that she is surrounded by broken families in which her friends who had kids in high school now are separated. What is crazy is less than a week ago she was excited telling her mom we were getting the house and how she was going to move in a decorate it... It has been hard so far, but to be honest the only time that helps is when I go over to her place to be with my son. It's called denial. I remember I was with a girl for 8 years and the relationship was slowly dieing. We got enaged one day in the most unromantic way possible (over a few midday beers). For a short time we both forgot our problems and started excitedly planning for the wedding. Eventually reality hit. The relationship was broke and we couldn't fix it. I'm sure she was genuinely excited about moving in and I am sure you will endlessly play this fact over and over in your mind in the coming months (how could she change her mind so fast). This harsh reality is so hard to accept. The fact she has changed her mind so fast she tell you she is somewhat emotionally immature. I could guess as to why she changed her mind so quick, but I am pretty sure she has been thinking of leaving for awhile. Maybe the thoughts of a home with a great guy (the father of her child) really appealed to her. I am sure there is a part of her where it still does appeal. Remember your ex is not a bad person. She is just dong what she feels is right and you have to respect her choice as hard as that is. you can't fight for something unless you BOTH want it. If you push at her to change her mind, you will push her further way. The longer you hang round the house hoping for a change, the harder its going to be in the long run..The more you crave her, the harder it will become when that inevitable show down happens down the line and she completely crushes you. My advice would be to work on yourself. Take up a hobby. Get super fit. Read relationship books/articles Whatever works for you. Don't do it in the hope of getting her back. Do it to make a positive change in your life. Show her what she is missing. She will probably never come back and if she doesn't, at least you can feel inside that it is her loss. Even if she does come back, where is the security? What will stop her falling out of love again? If she left you once she can leave you twice. Your biggest challenge is still being a great dad, while dealing with a broken heart. I wish you well.. Edited November 6, 2012 by Mack05
Author WIDESTI Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 Hey Mack, Thank you, everything you said is on point. I just talked to her brother yesterday and while they were at his bday dinner she told him I was still her "bf" or and he said she still cares or else she wouldnt let me in her room and the house. So I ask him why she would tell me these extreme things and tell her bro I am still her "bf" He states that she is irrational at times when she says things and doesnt think till later after she gets time to cool down. Again you are on point about the young and changing part. Before me she was at CSUF smoking weed multiple times daily. When I met her things completely stopped and she went into mom/relationship mode. I honestly did not expect her to be such a GREAT mom, but it turned out she was excellent (just wished more time was spent on the relationship). Now that my son is a little older it could be that she needs to go out (which I have encouraged) and hang with her friends. A couple weeks ago she went out clubbin with her friends a guy approached her to dance and she just flahsed her ring in his face. I hope to give her that space and we'll see if things work out. But if we do try again, I need to make sure she is in it 100. Thanks for all the advice it really puts into perspective what I know but not getting through my head. Any more advice would be helpful.
Mack05 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 (edited) It's easy for me to advise you because I am not emotionally involved. If I were in your shoes I would be going through the same things you are. The same thought process's. I would be trying anything and everything to get her back and praying she would come back to me. I mean who doesn't want to see their kid everyday? Who doesn't want to make a family with the women he loves? Yes sadly these situations usually play out the way a nuetral would expect them to, BUT when you are emotionally involved and there is a kid(s) involved its not easy to follow or comprehend 'advice'. Even if you agree with the advice and know it makes 'logical' sense. I just don't think from reading your story that she is ready to settle down and be a family. Don't get me wrong, I admire how she has adapted to motherhood but that doesn't mean she is ready for it. When you leave college you think about travelling, building a career maybe, partying with friends. All of a sudden you have a baby and all those things you planned are out the window. There is a valid reason why there is a 'GIGS' phenomenon. Very few people meet their life long partner at 21 these days. The average age of people getting married is going up and up and up. It's something I agree with. Your youth is something you should treasure and enjoy. The person you are at 20 and the person you are at 30 is a world apart. These days most have 3, 4 or more relationships before settling down and knowing the have met 'the one'. The one for me is all about timing (right place, right time), I believe (my opinion) that there is more then one person for all of us. Your girl was just starting her voyage of getting to know herself and bang she is pregnant. If she is a little all over the place, it's because she doesn't know what she wants. To get back together now would ensure a roller coaster, while she tries to piece this all together. She is not a bad person. She is just unsure what direction to take and it's hard to blame her. Especially when there is a child involved. I worry you could end up getting really hurt here. Sure things are not nasty now, but that doesn't mean they can't turn out that way. I could tell you to tread carefully but because you are so emotionally invested, you are not going to listen to me or absorb what I am trying to tell you. Thats totally understandable. I'd be the same afterall the heart wants what the heart wants. We all get to choose are own path. Sometimes people beat the odds and that is what makes life so wonderful. Sure some online stranger may see how this plays out, but a stranger doesn't know you or her. Even if you end up getting hurt, at least you can say there was no more I could have done. Sometimes we have to walk the path, even though we probably know the bad ending ahead. It's sometimes the best way to learn. If you can try not to figure out what she is thinking or "what of I did this or that". Trust me it doesn't help, no matter how much you go through things in your mind and try to rationalise them. Talking to her brother trying to figure her out will not help either. You will have so many questions which will consume you. It's wasted time and energy which solves nothing. Anyway how you can figure her out when she probably is not even sure what she wants herself? This is a horrible situation and the helplessness will drive you mad. If I was to advise you a logical standpoint I would give her space and lots of it. I would spend time with my son on my own. I would focus on ways to improve myself. It's as hard a challenge as you can imagine. A challenge I have failed (I couldn't let go). Sadly some things you have to go through on your own to grow. It's called life. Use this site. The vast majority are here to help. Not sure if the advise is always right (including my own) but it's nice to know people care. Edited November 6, 2012 by Mack05
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