Why cant I speak with the one, who was everything to me once...

[sissy106]

I am on healing process though but sometimes these bouts of deepression put me down and I am feeling too low at the moment. Just thinking why cant I speak to him? WHY ONLY HIM...why not anybody else?

 

Just a year back we were together, we used to share our each and every feeling with each other. He was the most important part of my life, one I could never think to part with....and today in this WHOLE WORLD, I am not suppose to talk to only HIM..... I cant bear it... Although he was the one to leave me, but I am so sick of not being able to hate him. And it is going too tough on me especially coz I got married within few months of our breakup.

 

I stayed with my hubby for 6 months and from past 3 months I am staying in a different city for completing my studies. So, most of the time I am all alone at my place and usually go back to the old memories. I am not able to concentrate on my studies, every time I am doing something, it reminds me of my ex coz we used to study together. Both of us used to help each other in studies a lot, so it is becoming a poison for me to do this without him. I do love my husband, and this is helping me to heal fast too, but sometimes I am not able to control my emotions... and feel so much suffocated. I had a 6 year relationship with my ex including one year as being engaged to him. We were suppose to get married last year but we broke up due to only one year of long distance realtionship.

 

I cant stop crying, I am really missing him...

[River Rain]

You have to stop torturing yourself. I kind of feel bad for your husband, you're clearly not over your ex. Your husband should be in your thoughts, not the ex. Did you jump into your marriage too quickly? If you don't make big efforts to get your ex out of your head, it's going to ruin your marriage and hurt your husband. I hope you can find a way to make the choice to get over it. Maybe you need counselling, schools have counselors, why not just drop by and see if that'll help you.

[sissy106]

River and Will you both are right in understanding it. Today I am feeling better and yes @Will, you really got it right, I might have been missing my hubby, coz he was bzee somewhere yesterday and I was not able to talk to him and I had this work to do and I was not able to concentrate so I started feeling low and irritated.

 

I know I am not acting mature here on this, so u both might have thought I am at school, but I am studying in Univ. and about to finish my PhD. These days I am writing my thesis, and my degree has already got delayed by almost 2 years now. One year I wasted due to fights with my ex and this year almost gone coping with my loss and adjusting in new realtionship.

 

Regarding my jumping into marriage.... you people are somewhat right, but my story is that I started this relationship with my ex not in an immature phase of life. We both were 23 at that time. Although there was lots of maturity and understanding in our relationship, alongwith deep love, but my ex didnot respect and trust me and that became reason for our fights most of the times. And I still keep it up with him, coz I was confident about myself and I knew why he behaved so much insecure.... and the reason for his insecurity was the failed relationship of his parents. My ex's father was in live-in relation with another woman since he was born, and still his father was not ready to divorce his mother.

 

But till the end of relationship i struggled hard to make him believe that I was true to him, I was thinking that it will not be fair to judge him based on his father's attitude. Moreover, he always used to feel sorry to me whenever he used to hurt me over these issues, so I stick to him and forgive him everytime. But after we were engaged he moved out of country for higher studies. I was already 2 years ahead of him in carrier as we were from same field (of study) so he was more insecure now. But he was also a JEALOUS person, I thought that his insecurities will go now coz he got admission in a good university, but he still remained same.

 

Lately he did not stop restricting me from going out with friends as earlier, but while in abroad he himself started actively socializing and moving out. Thus many events happened after that, and in the end first I decided to broke up with him, but later I came back into relation, and then finally he left me.

[sissy106]

You have to stop torturing yourself. I kind of feel bad for your husband, you're clearly not over your ex. Your husband should be in your thoughts, not the ex. Did you jump into your marriage too quickly? If you don't make big efforts to get your ex out of your head, it's going to ruin your marriage and hurt your husband. I hope you can find a way to make the choice to get over it. Maybe you need counselling, schools have counselors, why not just drop by and see if that'll help you.

 

Dear River, I do jump into marriage, but my hubby knew everything that was going around me with my ex. I shared my story to him when i was in NC with my ex after breaking up. My hubby used to like me a lot so he convinced me that he wanted to marry me and that he will keep me happy forever. I love him too.... he is a great guy. I also feel sorry for what I am doing to him, but the thing is that he was also dumped by his ex 7 years back with whom he had a child too. So he understands each and every thing so well. He is 6 years elder to me and I used to tell him watever I felt even after few months of marriage. But as he is too good to me, so I dont want to hurt him with my feelings.

 

So that is why, whenever I feel down i came here now, and its only because of my hubby that I have started healing, and I know very soon I will be out of it. Thats why I mentioned in my first line that although I am on healing process, but sometimes I feel broken, and this all is due to my unfinished studies only. I know once I clear that I will be bzee with my loving husband and will never look back at my past.