Let's Talk About Stereotypes...

[SecretFlower]

I have a bit of a *secret* I've never understood women who have long term affairs, but I understand men that do. It's probably because I've never been in the situation but the idea of having a long relationship with two men makes me feel...icky to say the least.

 

The idea that men can date younger women or have mistresses or sleep around is not a new one, but it can be assumed that we are uncomfortable with women who do the same. I've always been uncomfortable with the idea of cheating on a spouse (ha!) or dating a younger man or sleeping with many men. But, I still had an affair with a MM and dated older men. So what about everyone else? Have you ever had reservations about stereotypes. Do you feel it's normal for men to cheat but not women? What are your thoughts?

[Owl]

I think everyone is capable of cheating. I don't see anything as any "worse" than the other for the most part when it comes to this...from my perspective I don't feel that it's ever the "right" way to do things....male or female.

 

It all boils down to personality, morals, and how each individual "deals" with whatever their situation is (or isn't).

[River Rain]

I don't think it's normal for anyone to cheat. By normal, I mean acceptable to my standards. I know it happens, but personally, I don't understand why people do it. Someone gave me an explanation in another thread, but it will still never make sense to me I guess.

[Tara247]

I don't think it's normal for either a man or a woman to cheat. However, people are who they are. Their values will dictate what they do.

[SecretFlower]

River Rain,

 

I understand that, and by no means do I think cheating is ever morally right, but I feel like I would expect a man to cheat rather than a woman. Maybe, I should clarify that. I think society views women as rather docile and obedient "creatures" therefore men, who are more brutish or hedonistic in nature, are more likely to look elsewhere. Obviously, both my descriptions are quite stereotypical, but I grew up in a very "man works, woman cooks" family and saw cheating on both sides, so I think I grew up with it as a normal occurrence. But it always shocked me that my mother was unfaithful, but not so much my father. We have this idea that women are virtuous and when we realize they aren't I think it can be difficult to understand.

[ComingInHot]

ahahahah!!!

 

I absultely love this post because it is (for the most part) true!*

 

So, I haven't cheated or anything on my husband but he sure did w/a younger woman... like, eewww young in my eyes.

 

BUT... if my husband dies first I think I would get myself a little eye candy who is younger* May a Pool Boy, yeah and .... Who am I kidding. I don't think I could do it. I'm a mother to a son and I think I would feel more a motherly inclination towards a much younger man which would immediately gross me out of anything more.

 

Damn that double standard beaten into society. My head hurts from hitting the glass ceiling, AND having No pool.*

[River Rain]

River Rain,

 

I understand that, and by no means do I think cheating is ever morally right, but I feel like I would expect a man to cheat rather than a woman. Maybe, I should clarify that. I think society views women as rather docile and obedient "creatures" therefore men, who are more brutish or hedonistic in nature, are more likely to look elsewhere. Obviously, both my descriptions are quite stereotypical, but I grew up in a very "man works, woman cooks" family and saw cheating on both sides, so I think I grew up with it as a normal occurrence. But it always shocked me that my mother was unfaithful, but not so much my father. We have this idea that women are virtuous and when we realize they aren't I think it can be difficult to understand.

 

I guess that stereotype does exist based on the gender role stereotypes too, but I wonder if men feel the stereotype is opposite, meaning they expect the woman to cheat?

 

I ask because my ex told me that his biggest fear was that I would discard him, forget about him and move on. So that makes me think he expected me to cheat on him at some point.

[SecretFlower]

^^ See that's interesting to me, because I never really experienced that until my husband left me. He acted as if I was tarnished goods because I had been in an affair with a MM. Again, I think men see wives so often as lovely little incarnations of goodness -- after all so many men try to marry their mothers or women they idolize, so maybe when that image is tarnished the standard is reversed and they think you will cheat. I'm not trying to imply that your ex thought you were "tarnished" or less then, but it's something to consider...It's possible he had an ex who had cheated and hurt his ability to trust.

[River Rain]

^^ See that's interesting to me, because I never really experienced that until my husband left me. He acted as if I was tarnished goods because I had been in an affair with a MM. Again, I think men see wives so often as lovely little incarnations of goodness -- after all so many men try to marry their mothers or women they idolize, so maybe when that image is tarnished the standard is reversed and they think you will cheat. I'm not trying to imply that your ex thought you were "tarnished" or less then, but it's something to consider...It's possible he had an ex who had cheated and hurt his ability to trust.

 

I'm sure he thought of me as a "stereotypical" woman who would eventually cheat on him, because he did have difficult relationships in the past. Whatever his reason, it did break us up because he ran away like a little baby at the first sign of conflict. Stereotyping in general bothers me, it causes harm no matter the situation. I just can't think in terms of that myself, because if I live my life, expecting all men will cheat, then I'd never be able to trust anyone. That being said, and in certain situations, I'm not surprised to see people cheating...but I don't think that has to do with me placing a stereotype on them, I think that's just me recognizing the nature of the individual maybe.

[Pierre]

River Rain,

 

I understand that, and by no means do I think cheating is ever morally right, but I feel like I would expect a man to cheat rather than a woman. Maybe, I should clarify that. I think society views women as rather docile and obedient "creatures" therefore men, who are more brutish or hedonistic in nature, are more likely to look elsewhere. Obviously, both my descriptions are quite stereotypical, but I grew up in a very "man works, woman cooks" family and saw cheating on both sides, so I think I grew up with it as a normal occurrence. But it always shocked me that my mother was unfaithful, but not so much my father. We have this idea that women are virtuous and when we realize they aren't I think it can be difficult to understand.

 

Anyone can cheat whether they are so called good or bad people.

 

To be able to cheat a person needs to be a good liar or be able to live in different compartments. In other words act quite normal with the wife or husband. Some people cheat, but they cannot look at the face of their spouses. Others can act perfectly normal.

 

Cheating also has to do with being in extreme need of emotional needs and external validation. This craving is so big that trumps all logic and morality.

 

Others cheat because they rationalize quite well.

 

Lastly, others cheat because they are narcissistic or sociopathic. They have no ability to feel guilt. They lack empathy for others.

 

Both men and women are equally capable. I don't see a gender issue. In fact more than 10% of kids in so called good marriages are being raised by the wrong father because the mom cheated.

 

By the way, for women it is much easier to cheat than for men.

[River Rain]

Anyone can cheat whether they are so called good or bad people.

 

To be able to cheat a person needs to be a good liar or be able to live in different compartments. In other words act quite normal with the wife or husband. Some people cheat, but they cannot look at the face of their spouses. Others can act perfectly normal.

 

Cheating also has to do with being in extreme need of emotional needs and external validation. This craving is so big that trumps all logic and morality.

 

Others cheat because they rationalize quite well.

 

Lastly, others cheat because they are narcissistic or sociopathic. They have no ability to feel guilt. They lack empathy for others.

 

Both men and women are equally capable. I don't see a gender issue. In fact more than 10% of kids in so called good marriages are being raised by the wrong father because the mom cheated.

 

By the way, for women it is much easier to cheat than for men.

 

Ah yes, it was you Pierre who explained it to me on the other thread Thanks.

[SecretFlower]

^^ I've always been under the assumptions that women don't cheat unless there is an emotional discord. I can say that I think it is easier for women to involve themselves in an affair than for a man to involve himself, but I'm not sure about it being easier.

[Tara247]

By the way, for women it is much easier to cheat than for men.

 

Pierre, how so?

[Pierre]

^^ I've always been under the assumptions that women don't cheat unless there is an emotional discord. I can say that I think it is easier for women to involve themselves in an affair than for a man to involve himself, but I'm not sure about it being easier.

 

It is always easier for a woman to get sex because women control the sex.

 

It may be easier for a woman to find a man that is willing to overlook her marital status. Unless men and women are equal in overlooking the marital status.

[Tara247]

^^^Okay, I understand, Pierre.

[missdm]

I have never cheated, nor been tempted to cheat... And the same with being the other woman, except when I once did not know the guy was married until three weeks after we started dating and I broke it off immedeatly... However, recently I have had to check my own values, because now I am... It is with someone who I have loved and had a complicated relationship with for years. Although we are not physically involved, we are deeply emotionally involved, and to me, that seems worse somehow.

[Got it]

Based on the number of people, statistically, who have confessed to cheating or a spouse catching them cheating. So I would say it is quite normal for people to cheat.

 

Now whether or not it is acceptable is a whole other kettle of fish.

 

Statistically a large number of people who have confessed to lying in their lifetime but most would argue against lying as a good course of action.

[Got it]

In regards to stereotypes, I strive hard not to have them. Really. They are a pet peeve of mine and it is lazy thinking to group people, objects, etc into generalized modes of actions or inactions, characteristics.

 

So no, I know what I find acceptable, what I don't and go from there. For example, my father has developed a recent panache for dating much younger girls. While I wonder at times what they see in him outside of his money, I understand and have seen that it doesn't mean they are all money hunger and that a few have actually cared for him. (Of course he drops those . . sigh). But while it would be easy to stereotype them and him I try not to.

 

I also look at why my father is dating these girls, understanding his FOO, knowing why he wants people that can't challenge him, make him vulnerable, keep at arm's length, etc. regardless of the surface reason that is because they are young and it is only about physical attractiveness. That is actually a lesser reason on why he is doing it and actually more of a reason to keep himself emotionally disconnected.

 

Anyway I digress.

[todreaminblue]

I have a bit of a *secret* I've never understood women who have long term affairs, but I understand men that do. It's probably because I've never been in the situation but the idea of having a long relationship with two men makes me feel...icky to say the least.

 

The idea that men can date younger women or have mistresses or sleep around is not a new one, but it can be assumed that we are uncomfortable with women who do the same. I've always been uncomfortable with the idea of cheating on a spouse (ha!) or dating a younger man or sleeping with many men. But, I still had an affair with a MM and dated older men. So what about everyone else? Have you ever had reservations about stereotypes. Do you feel it's normal for men to cheat but not women? What are your thoughts?

 

 

Stereotypes start from gossip,rumors and innuendo and with people who have no right to judge anyone, compartmentalize people into little boxes because it makes them feel good....i am guilty of this sometimes i would hope not often, no one is immune to boxing people...i have in the past boxed men simply for the fact i cant or wont deal with most of them......

 

 

everything happens for a reason including cheating........

 

 

as I have been cheated on I know what it feels like so I am not likely to cheat on anyone.......couldnt do it to another..if I even entertained the idea of cheating on a partner I would tell them before......i was sick in hospital and i kissed someone who was in hospital too.....i told my ex what i had done even though i was advised not to by friends because it didnt escalate,I also informed the doctors who i was in care of ....and they had him moved to a different floor.......

 

I have a history as everyone does, my past also reinforces the fact I am not the cheating stereotypical type.i have seen too much, so I know without a doubt being faithful and honest in a relationship is a key to being simply happy......

 

I have always dated older men but that has simply been who I was attracted to at the time.I am attracted to depth and maturity, solid values or what i am told are the values that they hold I tell the truth so i expect a potential partner to do the same.Younger men have been attracted to me because I am pretty young at heart...I hope to be that way for a long time

 

I don't understand why men or woman cheat just that it will always be this way, it happens and sometimes its the death knell of a relationship and with marriage being on the back burner more often, infidelity and broken relationships will always happen.I have chatted online to quite a few players and they all to me want multiples, they don't want to settle down, they are bored they are overly confident..and they lie to get what they want..some people just suck.......and yes it is icky to have two women on the go.....i get images in my head so i go no further.cheating sux.....deb

[MissBee]

I have a bit of a *secret* I've never understood women who have long term affairs, but I understand men that do. It's probably because I've never been in the situation but the idea of having a long relationship with two men makes me feel...icky to say the least.

 

The idea that men can date younger women or have mistresses or sleep around is not a new one, but it can be assumed that we are uncomfortable with women who do the same. I've always been uncomfortable with the idea of cheating on a spouse (ha!) or dating a younger man or sleeping with many men. But, I still had an affair with a MM and dated older men. So what about everyone else? Have you ever had reservations about stereotypes. Do you feel it's normal for men to cheat but not women? What are your thoughts?

 

I think these ideas are definitely culturally embedded and much a part of patriarchal structuring of societies.

 

Women have long been held to different standards of chastity and propriety whereas men are not. Even the notion of "You can't do what the men do and still be a lady speaks to that". Although we know a lot of it is a double standard, it's often embedded into our thinking and our actions and what we feel is appropriate.

 

In the culture I'm from, men get a free pass. In America as well, men are often painted as these creatures driven by some "natural" instinct to cheat, who have an overdeveloped need for sex that must be satisfied at all cost and whose sexual activities don't measure them as respectable men. On the other hand, women are almost always judged in this regard.

 

I have to make the distinction between normal and natural...which mean different things. Things can be normal, by virtue of them being the norm, a common standard, regular and then natural as inherent and determined by nature. I do think cheating is normal in many societies, in that it happens regularly and men certainly in the culture I'm from, and in America are often thought of as being predisposed to this. Yet, I'm not convinced that this is a "natural" way of being.

 

But the ideas you're speaking to of you being uncomfortable with things on one hand yet participating in another is a theme that is quite common in As. Life itself definitely show us our double standards and contradictions, and in As you get to see a whole slew of different ones. Most people in As would be livid if their MP/OW/OM were to cheat on them with another, although they are currently cheating too. Yet they find a way to reconcile this contradiction. Most in As say they don't care for lies and dishonesty, but so long as their AP isn't lying to them it's not a big deal. Some say cheating is not against their values but it is against their AP's values...yet they are with someone behaving in a way that is counter to what they believe and find it ok. The list of the seeming double standards goes on...

 

I too have never cheated and can't see myself doing that; yet, I participated in an A with someone else doing it.

Edited November 6, 2012 by MissBee

[cocorico]

I've never been one for stereotypes as I'm so unstereotypical myself, and I've always been attracted to people who defied stereotypes, but the ones cited about men's "predisposition" to cheating and women's to monogamy have been associated with biological drivers, tested through loads of research and associations found.

 

It makes sense biologically for males to want to spread their genes as widely as possible, to perpetuate their lineage. This predisposes males of many species, including humans, to a sexual strategy of multiple partners. This is perfectly natural. It may not be normal, in that societal norms may dictate that men should have only one partner (especially those "western" cultures that subscribe to monotheistic religions) but it is perfectly natural. Biologically, it makes sense for females of many species, including humans, to invest in a sexual strategy of monogamy, where they can lure one male to stick around and help them raise their offspring to adulthood. Again, this is natural, though depending on one's culture, may not be "normal" within that society.

 

Not every male or every female follows these biological strategies, however. Different species have different strategies, and humans rely on intelligence as well as instinct, so can "override" biological imperatives... Or, of course, have other biological imperatives because of subtle genetic mutations, that may have been snuffed out in species where "misfit" strategies were selected against, while human society allows a multiplicity of options to flourish and spawn.

[Pierre]

I've never been one for stereotypes as I'm so unstereotypical myself, and I've always been attracted to people who defied stereotypes, but the ones cited about men's "predisposition" to cheating and women's to monogamy have been associated with biological drivers, tested through loads of research and associations found.

 

It makes sense biologically for males to want to spread their genes as widely as possible, to perpetuate their lineage. This predisposes males of many species, including humans, to a sexual strategy of multiple partners. This is perfectly natural. It may not be normal, in that societal norms may dictate that men should have only one partner (especially those "western" cultures that subscribe to monotheistic religions) but it is perfectly natural. Biologically, it makes sense for females of many species, including humans, to invest in a sexual strategy of monogamy, where they can lure one male to stick around and help them raise their offspring to adulthood. Again, this is natural, though depending on one's culture, may not be "normal" within that society.

 

Not every male or every female follows these biological strategies, however. Different species have different strategies, and humans rely on intelligence as well as instinct, so can "override" biological imperatives... Or, of course, have other biological imperatives because of subtle genetic mutations, that may have been snuffed out in species where "misfit" strategies were selected against, while human society allows a multiplicity of options to flourish and spawn.

 

Stereotypes are often wrong, however most stereotypes have some basis on reality.

 

I read a post where you deliberately chased and seduced a married man. That fits the so-called stereotype of OWs even though most of the time the OWs does not chase after married man on purpose.

[underwater2010]

I have a bit of a *secret* I've never understood women who have long term affairs, but I understand men that do. It's probably because I've never been in the situation but the idea of having a long relationship with two men makes me feel...icky to say the least.

 

Total double standard on your part. I cannot understand ANYONE having a long term affair, let alone any affair at all. I have always been of the opinion that if it is just sex then masturbate or divorce.

 

The idea that men can date younger women or have mistresses or sleep around is not a new one, but it can be assumed that we are uncomfortable with women who do the same.

 

Your right, it is not a new idea....but it is a bad one. And on my part I am more than uncomfortable with either sex participating in affairs.

 

I've always been uncomfortable with the idea of cheating on a spouse (ha!) or dating a younger man or sleeping with many men. But, I still had an affair with a MM and dated older men.

 

Well at least you kept to your standards, that is unless you were married and cheated.

 

So what about everyone else?

 

I DO NOT believe in cheating. I think the MM and MW are completely off limits. I also would never have dated a man as old as my father or more than 5 yrs younger.

 

Have you ever had reservations about stereotypes.

 

I tend to think that stereotypes are out there to either make people feel better about the actions or hurt those that do not participate.

 

Do you feel it's normal for men to cheat but not women?

 

I used to think that it was unusual for people to cheat. Sadly enough I am finding that there are a ton of people with low character and honor. And sadly enough the glue that holds a family together has gone to the dark side.

[frozensprouts]

the whole idea of genetics controlling most of what we do it, in its own way, perpetuating a stereotype. The idea that men are somehow "programmed" to cheat while women are "programmed" to stay at home as raise their offspring seems blatantly unfair and subjects both sexes to a stereotype that they simply may not fit into. There are lots of men who are somehow able to ignore their "genes" and be faithful, while there are many women who ignore theirs and choose not to have children....

 

I always find it funny that we've only known about the science of genetics for perhaps 70 years, yet we somehow feel arrogant enough to think that we can use it to explain all sorts of unpalatable behavior. It has, in effect become the new "religion", except instead of blaming the devil when we act poorly, we blame our genes.

[Tara247]

For most of us, the mores of the society that we were raised in have always taught us that sleeping with numerous women is okay for men. However, that kind of behavior is frowned upon when a woman does it. The woman is subsequently thought of as a whore and a slut. This line of thinking goes back to biology and survival of the species: The woman is the one that can get pregnant and carry a child. It's distasteful to imagine a woman with a large belly that has a baby in i,t running around having sex with every man in town. A man has no such limitations. Also, a man can get thousands of women pregnant in a short amount of time as compared to a woman only being able to bring that life into the world every 9 months. So, it isn't abnormal to imagine a man sleeping with all kinds of women.

 

Let's not forget that all throughout history, men were allowed to have more than one wife.

Edited November 6, 2012 by Tara247