bcm235 Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 I have posted here a couple of times before. You can check my previous posts 'Red Flags Vs Jealousy' and 'Frustrated that my ex moved on' for more info. I've heard writing your thoughts helps. I know my ex was bad for me. I pandered to her every need and lived a life where I lived only to please her. I was scared to do wrong as I wanted to be the best boyfriend I could be. The last month has been hell. My worst nightmares came true. She is with another, another who was always all too present during our relationship. I've been playing key moments over in my head but I read something today that made me realise that at one point I really loved this girl and that she loved me too. I had forgotten that in my notepad app on my phone I copied the text from a message she sent the first time I ended things. It was one of the most beautiful heartfelt messages that anyone had ever written. I could tell she was cut up about losing me. My relationship of just over a year was on and off. I moved 100 miles away for a new job 5 months in but things weren't great leading up to it. Below I have written some defining moments in the relationship both good, bad her fault, my fault etc Moment 1 Our first meeting. This was on a night out. She was hanging out a lot with a mutual male friend at the time. She always stayed at his but he was like a 'brother' to her so nothing happened. RED FLAG - This was an early warning sign that she likes male attention. To this day he says nothing happened but he wishes it did. A month into us hanging out she stopped spending time with him. Every man in her life would soon become part of the drama. A former boyfriend, a guy who fancied her. Platonic male friendship was not her strong point. Moment 2 Two months in - I go away to a festival for the weekend. Everything has been perfect so far. Beautiful girl, great company. The perfect relationship. Barely 5 hours into being at the festival I get a call 'She is in tears. She has done something stupid'. I find that she has cut herself because she hates who she is. She is scared that I will cheat on her at the festival RED FLAG - This was the first of four cutting incidents over the year. Each time it would get worse and each time my actions become 'more of a reasoning for why she did it'. Moment 3 The Three month stage. We had had a lovely summers walk in the country. Laying my head on the pillow I felt so happy to be with her. Then as I am nodding off she flips the light and says we need to talk. She proceeds to criticise every aspect of my life for the next 2 hours. How I drink too much, how she hates my dog, how my family hate her etc before preceeding to break down and cry and telling me I don't deserve her. I physically stand in front of the door to stop her walking away. RED FLAG- This was the moment I lost all power in the relationship. This incident would occur another 5 times over the next three months. Every time I stand in front of the door. I should have let her walk.. Moment 4 The First day of her new Uni course - She's excited, she's made some friends. She doesn't have many friends and this is her start to having the friendship group she always wanted. She seems particularly taken with one friend. He has all the same hobbies and interests as her RED FLAG- For the entirity of the year long course she was just 'making friends'. These friends would all be male and because she lived in the middle of nowhere she had to stay at their houses on nights out. Note: The guy she is 'particularly taken with' is now her boyfriend.... A good friend would later point out that if someone doesn't have many friends it's because they aren't a nice person. Moment 5 I walk away (first time) - After a month of her spending way too much time with new guys I tell her I've had enough. WHAT I DID WRONG- I didn't explain why I was ending it. I didn't want to come across as a possessive boyfriend. I just blamed the distance. I should have explained and been more persistent.. Set boundaries.. A week later we would be back together with no conversation about the reasons why I left. I became more powerless than before and now I was a doormat. I had to make it up to her. Treat her like the princess she deserves to be treated like.. Walking away also gave her justification for later actions. I guess the more i kept trying to leave the more scared she got that I would leave her again and her friends may seem like a more attractive option. Moment 6 Her Birthday- After realising I wanted to make things work I went all out for her birthday. Booked us a nice hotel, hid love notes around the room, got her tickets to her favourite show, a teddy bear, necklace. It should have been perfect RED FLAG - Her dream was always to wake up next to her man on her birthday. Instead she woke up on one of her male friends sofas. She had a little party with her new 'friends' but I wasn't invited. It was at one of the guys houses and I had dumped her and she was still upset and didn't want me to meet them yet.. When we meet up on the evening of her birthday she is moody and upon opening her first present the show tickets she says 'I guess you have to come with me then...' What a horrible thing to say! Moment 7 I walk away 2 - I am through. She is a burden. Her birthday was the last straw. A week after her birthday I end it via facebook. WHAT I DID WRONG - I got back with her 4 weeks later. I was happy without her. The BU didn't affect me then. I was string. She was evil. Good riddance. Then... we meet on Xmas eve. She is sorry. She loves me. Her guy friend (now bf) tried it on with her and she slapped him in disgust. I was the only man for her she said.. how dare he. The next month was good. We spent lot's of time together. Talked everything over. She promised to cut down the socialising with guy friends and it all looked perfect again. Moment 8 The 'false' accusation and the day we went to see the show - Two days before the show she rings me in a state. She says that one of her guy friends (not the now bf... another guy) is accusing her of sleeping with him. She seems more concerned what her male friend (now bf) will think of her than what I think. She doesn't want her 'friends' to think she is a ****. Two days later she turns up prior to show stinking of alcohol. She had been out all night but she definitely went home even though she was wearing last nights clothes. I don't say a word. It is her birthday present day. I can't spoil that. WHAT I DID WRONG- I should have had a go at her about her night out and asked questions. I don't believe she cheated but being more concerned with her friends thoughts rather than mine was not right Moment 9 The night I explode - Right until this point she would text me like 15 times a day. We spoke on the phone at least three nights a week. Saw each other twice a month. The last week or two she had gone a bit quiet. I phone one of my best friends and explain all of the above.... she tells me to have it out with her.. I call and for an hour and a half rip into her big time. I question these male friends. I remind her of how she treated me on her bday.. She hangs up crying and won't answer. I wake up the next day to a voicemail. She is crying and says she has cut herself. She says she is the worst human being alive and that I don't deserve her. She also tells me that when she couldn't get hold of me she wanted to call one of her male friends (now bf) but didn't because she thought if she had died he would show up as her last call and I would think that something was going on between them. WHAT I DID WRONG - Let 8 months of anger, hurt and frustration out in one burst. I should have raised these points as they were happening. I also gave her more power by letting her decide if we should be together or not... We stay together for two more months before I end it again. 5 months on she is now dating one of those male friends. A mutual friend says that they had no contact over the summer as he was working abroad. When I met her she said they didn't speak anymore and she is very active on facebook with no mention of him on there over the summer too. I'm told he professed his love to her on their graduation night a week after we met up in September. When we met up recently (September) she apologised for everything. Said she was having counselling. Realised she treated me like crap and wanted to restart again. She asked if we could get back together. I said no and now she is with him :s I know what you are thinking.. I am a fool... But I loved this girl. We did have some great times. I still don't think she cheated physically the signs weren't there. I mean yes she often stayed at guys houses (on the sofa, spare room etc) but she would also text me all the time whilst she was there prior to moment 9. She always seemed 'into me'. Never hid from affection, never pushed me away. The sex didn't suffer. I mean they are signs someone is physically cheating aren't they? I also maintain that she loved me and loved me very much. She kept a box of everything we did together. She wrote me a letter explaining 101 things she loved about me the day I moved away. It was the nicest thing anyone has ever written! She had pics of me in her uni books. I was her facebook profile pic all the time. She had statuses crying out about how much pain she was in everytime we broke up. Even when we met up in September she said I was the best boyfriend she had ever had. That she got too comfortable and let me down. She said she will always love me. I'm just trying to start a new chapter without her now. November will be hard. It is her birthday soon and I am not a part of it. I really miss the intamacy, the cuddles, making someone laugh. I hope I find that soon. I know this was long but I have found it so theraputic. I see it as acceptance. Acceptance that she is very young (22 and I'm 27). Acceptance that she did really love me at one point even if not now. Acceptance that I am better off without her and that she is someone else's problem now. I hope others feel they can do the same but just letting it all out... Thanks for reading B
TopCat22 Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 Wow, this girl is all kinds of screwed up. She needs help. Cutting herself is a very serious thing and she needs to talk to someone about it. She seems to have serious self-esteem issues and needs the male attention to validate herself. The self-harm follows from this. If you're now out of this I would stay out, but if you have the courage, then help her get some professional help.
Chi townD Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 "I still don't think she cheated physically the signs weren't there. I mean yes she often stayed at guys houses (on the sofa, spare room etc) but she would also text me all the time whilst she was there prior to moment 9" Uh huh...yeah...right. If you believe that, then I have some Ocean front property that I can sell you right in the middle of the Mojave Desert. A girl that has been drinking and not thinking clearly with her inhabitions down....sleeps on some dude's couch. Sure. Dude, you dodged a bullet on this one. Run.....run fast and run far!!!!!
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