strummgirl Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 This morning I kept seeing his face. I cried my eyes out. He last texted me one week ago on Monday saying that he was sorry he messaged me the night before, he was feeling down, he'll let me move on, i'm right, he can't do this right now and I don't have to contact him. I said he'll figure it out soon and I'm sorry too then a few days later I wished him happy birthday, saying I know he needs to go his way. That was last friday. I never got any sort of closure, was basically hanging on to his words of 'I need to be on my own right now' - which was two weeks earlier. During those two weeks I was a wreck, but hopeful he'd come round. Now it just feels hopeless. I want to reach out so bad. I just want to say 'I love you, I miss you.' HELLLLLLP
sissy106 Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 Till few days back I was giving strength to all broken people here but today i am on the same boat that u are in .....and I am really feeling very sad today. God gimme some strength I know I can pass this. I wish u too can pass on this one dear... Stay strong.
River Rain Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 This morning I kept seeing his face. I cried my eyes out. He last texted me one week ago on Monday saying that he was sorry he messaged me the night before, he was feeling down, he'll let me move on, i'm right, he can't do this right now and I don't have to contact him. I said he'll figure it out soon and I'm sorry too then a few days later I wished him happy birthday, saying I know he needs to go his way. That was last friday. I never got any sort of closure, was basically hanging on to his words of 'I need to be on my own right now' - which was two weeks earlier. During those two weeks I was a wreck, but hopeful he'd come round. Now it just feels hopeless. I want to reach out so bad. I just want to say 'I love you, I miss you.' HELLLLLLP Honestly? Closure is an illusion, it doesn't exist (that's my cynical side). You're not looking for closure, you just want him back because you miss him and you love him. Reaching out to him will not give you any kind of comfort because he will likely not reply or just say what you don't want to hear and it'll make you feel so much worse. I know what you're going through. Mine pulled the disappearing act on me and it's going to take a while for me to feel comfortable knowing he never gave me a reason why, but usually there is no reason good enough for us, so we have to just move on. It's very hard, I've been writing emails to the ex all weekend, but I never sent them, just to get things off my chest...why don't you write out a long letter then rip it up or burn it. Keep writing to release the pain, and keep posting and giving advice, it actually does empower you! 1
River Rain Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 I agree with River Rain. Also a technique my father taught me after my mom ran off with another man, was to look in the mirror for a bit of time and say "I'm a... (last name)... we are strong! I am strong! My name is (full name) I'm strong! (first name) you can get over this! You will get over this!". He used to say stuff like that. Not in a crazy talking to yourself sort of way, which it honestly sounds like after typing it lol, but more in a pep talk before the big game type of way. He would do that for a few minutes... he doesn't do it now anymore, because he met another love his life and married her a while ago. However, I do the same thing too from time to time. Honestly it works. Think of all your good, and great attributes. Become the most arogant and confident S(D)OB! trust me, pumping up your confidence and ego will honestly help the heeling process! Tell your self your ex doesn't deserve you for such and such reason. it works. Good luck! You've basically described the technique of positive affirmation. I do this all the time, it's how you talk yourself out of the automated negative nelly in your brain. It's important to have the desire to want to heal as well, it really is a choice at a certain point. If one isn't willing to take the steps to move on, it's just a life of misery. I wake up and look in the mirror every morning and say "hello gorgeous!" ( ), it makes me laugh at myself a little bit and not take things oh so seriously. 2
Author strummgirl Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 @ Strummgirl we need a little more context to help you better. did you break up with him, or did he dump you? how long was the relationship? how did it end etc? I know it hurts right now. I know you are in a dark place. I know you feel hopeless, lost, and like a ship lost at sea during a storm. Your emotions of anger, guilt, regret, longing, "what if I had done this, or that?", sadness etc... are all welling up in side of you like a hurricane. We've all been there. All I can say is things will get better. Eventuall you will move on. You will heel. I know you do not think that right now. right now you are still getting over a very recent break up and it hurts badly. Every time you think about him or hear from him or don't hear from him; it feels like salt being poured into an open wound. However, when salt is applied to a wound it stings like hell but it makes the heeling process much quicker. Sorry for all of the metaphors. What I think you should do is to try to have little to no contact with him. Try to erase him from your life. There will be time for reflection on all of the good memories. However, now is the best time to try to erase him from your life. The hard thing to do right now is stay in NC. It will hurt the most. However, eventually the NC will become routine and you will get used to it... then you will embrace it...then you won't even think about it. eventually you will be over him. However, if you keep trying to contact him, all of the good, and bad memories will come to light. Every time he responds to you, even with a dissmissive email, text, phone call etc... it will spark hope in your heart that things will get better. Hope is a great thing to have, it is one of the feelings that seperates humans from all other animals. However, in this case, hope is a bad thing... that is, hope in terms of reconecting with your ex is bad. There was a reason or reasons you all broke up. People only change under extreme circumstances, and even then it is rare that they've actually changed for good. So the chances of him taking you back might be there, but the chances of him repeating whatever it was that caused him to leave you are great. Do you honestly want to be in a roller coaster of a relationship? You need to do the hard thing right now. No contact. You need to work on heeling. You need to start busying yourself with something, or things... Trust me it worked/works for me. I wish you the best of luck, and a speady recovery! Thanks so much for your kind words Will1998 I'd been seeing him for just over 5 months. Follow the link here for more context > http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/355268-lost But reading back what I posted yesterday, I wasn't really fair to say he wasn't sociable. He was lovely to every single person I introduced him to. He was amazingly lovely and conversational - so I'm talking **** by saying he wasn't the sociable type. What I meant was that he was more content staying at home, hanging with the friends he's knows for years and years. I actually loved his friends. They were cool and pretty mature for being a couple of years younger than me. My ex really started to teach me how to play guitar (always wanted to learn) and I loved how into playing music he was... I'm still learning the guitar on my own though..and encouraging my female friends to jam with me. haha : ) helps me feel stronger knowing that I'm not packing it in just because I look at a guitar and it reminds me of him and his friends. He was pretty insecure with his life...where he was going... I started to see that that he really needed validation from others too..to the point I got pretty insecure myself - soon growing anxious that I wasn't enough for him. (perhaps it's worth mentioning that I came out of a 1 and half year relationship not too long before entering one with him - it ended amicably though and it was on it's way out long before we finally called it a day - we're still friends today.) But with this guy I don't know... my intuition tells me that were both a couple of insecure souls who met, fell in love... loved the connection, but fell away for reasons I can't really make sense of right now. I'd always been in a position where I was actively following my dreams and making **** happen. This inspired him from the get-go...but later I think it was difficult for his ego to take - knowing he was spending so much time feeling frustrated, getting nothing done, whilst I'm busying myself with this and that. In my eyes, he was needy, and in his eyes, I was pretty together.. but then I got needy because of his insecurity. But he couldn't deal with my insecurities in the end, otherwise he'd be here now !!! gawdddddddd. It went from total bliss and simplicity to all this frustration crap - but at least I was willing to work on everything. Anyway - he were are...I miss him.
Author strummgirl Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 Till few days back I was giving strength to all broken people here but today i am on the same boat that u are in .....and I am really feeling very sad today. God gimme some strength I know I can pass this. I wish u too can pass on this one dear... Stay strong. It's horrible isn't it. I just joined yesterday too and I've been offering advice to others. It helps because we're in 'objective-mode' but when we have such an emotional connection with someone it's very different. The good thing is that time really will work it's magic - so long as we use that time productively. I'm laughing at myself saying this though (I'm currently in my jammies sitting on bed - in the dark !! and it's 7.30 in the evening ) I really need to be good to myself but at the same time, reading on here and posting on here has been really really helpful. I JUST TOTALLY MISS HIM, WANT HIM !!! haha : ) ****ING HELL. It's tough.....but at least we're not robots made of stone.
Author strummgirl Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 Honestly? Closure is an illusion, it doesn't exist (that's my cynical side). You're not looking for closure, you just want him back because you miss him and you love him. Reaching out to him will not give you any kind of comfort because he will likely not reply or just say what you don't want to hear and it'll make you feel so much worse. I know what you're going through. Mine pulled the disappearing act on me and it's going to take a while for me to feel comfortable knowing he never gave me a reason why, but usually there is no reason good enough for us, so we have to just move on. It's very hard, I've been writing emails to the ex all weekend, but I never sent them, just to get things off my chest...why don't you write out a long letter then rip it up or burn it. Keep writing to release the pain, and keep posting and giving advice, it actually does empower you! you're right, I do want him back. The closure comes from me...it's just so hard accepting the fact that I'm not good enough for him any more. From feeling like I was everything to him - to nothing. WTF !!! It's like a switch just turned. But now I'm questioning if that's even true - the big blow up came from me being upset that he seeks validation elsewhere, from this girl, that girl (when I say validation - I mean an interest and need to converse via text / facebook pm with them - this upset me- especially when one of the girls was a girl he really really liked and ended it with him several months before me.) also that he had to lie to me about going on a coffee with his ex. (his first real girlfriend from about 2 years ago) she surprised him at his work and they went for a coffee on the same night I met his parents for the first time. It could have been totally co-incidental but him keeping it from me upset me... this is why I confronted him. He was also planning to meet her again the following week :/ I'm wondering if he just hadn't gotten over either of these girls properly.... WHO KNOWS .... This is where an explanation would have been good. Instead of 'I need to be selfish'!!!!! 'I can't do this right now'. It sucks because I keep blaming myself ... did I just push him away because I confronted him ?
Author strummgirl Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 no you did not push him away. He did this on his own. Don't think you pushed him away. You just called him out on his bs and lies. So if that is pushing someone away, then yes you did. However, it was his fault to begin with that you had to question him. You will heel op. no matter how much it hurts, trust me things get better. good luck! thank you will. He did admit that I 'called him out'. In the end.. he was more into his ego than into me. Sad truth I couldn't face earlier in the relationship because I was too busy putting him on a ****ing pedestal.
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