short relationship...can it be saved?

[joeschmo]

Hi

 

Just joined, been reading these forums for awhile hoping to find a similar situation I could draw from, now hoping a few details of my situation would allow someone here to provide some advice...

 

Me: 37 year old man

Her: 29 year old woman

Relationship: 3 months, then I dumped her, now having regrets.

 

We had an amazing summer together, met at a party early June, instant chemistry, we were making out by the end of the party. She was blowing up my phone constantly and I loved the attention. Within 3 weeks we decided to be exclusive (my suggestion) and within a month we were talking about babies and moving in together. I told her I loved her within 6 weeks (probably a mistake I know)We spent a week together in August with a couple who are friends of hers, we rented a cottage by a lake. Was terrific except for one night her and I got in a major drunken argument and I called her a cold hearted bit*% (she's a very strong, assertive, professional woman, I am very much an A type man, both of us successful in business)

 

Get into September and she's still calling/texting everyday, she met my parents, we go out one night for a great night on the town, but halfway through the night she drops" I don't want to have a baby right now" (we hadn't been doing anything to prevent it up to this point). I was a bit miffed but dealt with it and was fine. Next weekend was my friends wedding, she wasn't great there, didn't make much effort to mingle, sat tapping on her blackberry most of the time. I was getting pissed, started telling my friends not to get too invested with her because I was going to end it. She stayed my place that night, we talked about ending it but didn't, wake up next morning, great sex, hang out then off she goes.

 

She travels for work, we didn't see each other 11 days after the wedding (she had also been sick so I didn't see her because of that), I wasn't happy about it, I knew she'd been out partying while she was apparently so sick and I let her know it was bugging me. Again we were in touch the whole time, then she comes over, a little reserved, I made a really nice dinner, candles, wore stuff I know she likes...dinner was great but after we're on the couch playing and she says "we're not having sex tonight" I didn't ask her why, just got pissed, we fight until we go to bed, I decide it's over, she didn't try to stop it. She stays, next morning we get up to go to work, shower separately, it's all nice, I say to her I'm not happy but it has to be this way, she doesn't disagree. We walk out my place together, kiss a bit, she offers me a ride to the train, I say I want to walk. I'm meeting my mom for breakfast as it's her birthday, ex says don't be an a-hole to your mom, I whack her on the butt and walk off.

 

NC for 3 weeks, then I call her, nice chat, no arguing, a little laughter, no discussion of relationship, 15-20 min then good bye.

 

Call her again 5 days later to suggest getting together to see what happens, she says she can't talk but will call me next day. A few days later nothing so I call her, again nice chat, I suggest seeing each other, she says "possibly" then I say alright I'll call you later and see how things are.

 

Call her 8 days later, no pickup, didn't leave a message. Called last night (4 days since call with no pick up) she doesn't pick up, send her a text asking if she can chat later, she replies right away saying "family emergency, can't talk now' I write back "Understand, let me know if I can help otherwise I'll try you later this week...hope all's well" No reply.

 

I really miss this woman, we're on the same path in so many different ways, we want the same things. I think I just got in a little too deep because it seemed like she wanted to move things quickly and I was in the right frame of mind to do so. Since it ended I've been thinking I made a mistake and if we could start over without the expectations and just keeping things chill and taking it slow we could be better than we ever were.

 

Should I keep trying here?

 

Thanks

[TopCat22]

Sounds like she checked out. She didn't fight the breakup and hasn't been receptive to starting again. I'd go NC and if she ever comes back then you can see how you feel, but to be honest it sounds like she's either not ready to settle down or just isn't that in to you. Move on, there is nothing you can do now.

[joeschmo]

Thanks guys...we were never friends on Facebook (I don't believe in that stuff, I didn't want my friends asking me about her and I'm not really into posting pictures, besides I knew she had a bunch of guy friends, some of whom were ex's and I didn't want to see what they were posting), so I didn't have to worry about that stupidness but we're still connected on BBM. I've thought about just deleting her and starting to really try to move on, I don't have a pic or update my status but she's constantly changing her pic and her status, I can't keep myself from checking it out. How does that look to just delete her? Should I say anything to her before doing so?

 

Really appreciate any replies.

[KatZee]

Yeah, she's not interested. At this point she's hoping you just take the hint.

 

You broke up with her and... nothing. She didn't cry, didn't ask you to stay. She actually agreed with you! And then went NC for 3 weeks, and I'm sure if you didn't reach out to her, you never would have heard from her again.

 

All attempts at reconnecting with her have failed. She is kinda doing the vague brush off like..."ohhh I'm busy I'll get back to you!" And then nothing.

 

It's fairly obvious she's not interested at all in reconciling or being with you. I would have said something along the lines of, "You should have thought about this before you just ended the relationship just because she said you guys weren't having sex" but after her reaction, I'd say she wasn't all that into it anyway.

 

You're kind of embarrassing yourself with how much you're trying to contact her now. Each time she says she's going to get back to you, she doesn't, and then you reach out AGAIN. It's four times now. Stop.

[KatZee]

Thanks guys...we were never friends on Facebook (I don't believe in that stuff, I didn't want my friends asking me about her and I'm not really into posting pictures, besides I knew she had a bunch of guy friends, some of whom were ex's and I didn't want to see what they were posting), so I didn't have to worry about that stupidness but we're still connected on BBM. I've thought about just deleting her and starting to really try to move on, I don't have a pic or update my status but she's constantly changing her pic and her status, I can't keep myself from checking it out. How does that look to just delete her? Should I say anything to her before doing so?

 

Really appreciate any replies.

 

She's not all that concerned about how it looks each time she blows you off and doesn't contact you back so why are you concerned about how YOUR actions look to her? Do what you gotta do.

[geegirl]

Time to stop chasing. She is clearly not interested and is subtly telling you so.

 

She doesn't care to have you in her life so you should not be concerned as to how she would take you deleting her from FB. It's pretty clear she's not phased.

[joeschmo]

Much appreciated everybody, I needed a bit of a dose of reality here. Sucks but I'm cool with it.

[Mack05]

The girls that fall for you quickly, leave you even quicker (and are usually pretty ruthless when they do) That is a valuable lesson I have learnt.

 

In future best to build the foundations slowly and surely. Build the natural stuff up like loyalty, honesty, trust, communication, interests, sex, understanding, compassion, compromise empathy etc etc and eventually love.

 

In my experience relationships built this way have a far better chance of standing the test of time. Do try waste time understanding the type of girl that falls for you very quickly. Yes they are usually intoxicting (and they will idiolise you for a short while) but women like this are usally toxic and the roller coaster ride you end up on, is not fun. In fact girls like this will leave you with many questions and little answers.

 

Best leave her alone and move on. I promise you she is wired differently to you and she will never know where you are coming from. Same with you, you will never understand her or her thought process's no matter how hard you try to figure her out and you never will. Use this breakup to learn from your mistakes and emotionally grow as a person. You wanted to leave. That's your instinct. If you trust it, it won't let you down, especially if you are truly happy within yourself.

 

Thats the big question here. Take the focus off her for a second and and onto you. Forget about why or how she left. Are you happy? From experience (just mine) when you are not truly happy inside, this is the type of girl you end up attracting..Such relationships (there are always exceptions to the rules, its called the grey area of life) are rarely meant to last. Leave her go and focus on you. Easier said then done sadly..That's the effect of the toxic girl..

[joeschmo]

That's really good stuff Mack05, very insightful and accurate in a lot of ways...much appreciated.

[Simon Phoenix]

Sounds a lot like my last one, and Mack05's post was outstanding. Yeah, let this one die. If she contacts you again, then go from there, but no more chasing this one for you.