gaius Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 You are a good daughter to even visit her after some of the stuff shes put you through. 2
sb129 Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 40 is too old not just quite old. I suspect until women keep having IVF kids in their 50s I'll still keep hearing about it Jeepers. Poor you! IVF is pretty hard going, I've just done a round, and it was stressful, expensive and pretty hard on my marriage as a result. Luckily it worked, but we wanted it to! I wouldn't do it past 40. Are you in a relationship? I think its definitely time to lay down the law with your mother. You're a grown woman! 1
Author Emilia Posted November 11, 2012 Author Posted November 11, 2012 You are a good daughter to even visit her after some of the stuff shes put you through. Thank you gaius 1
Author Emilia Posted November 11, 2012 Author Posted November 11, 2012 Jeepers. Poor you! IVF is pretty hard going, I've just done a round, and it was stressful, expensive and pretty hard on my marriage as a result. Luckily it worked, but we wanted it to! I'm very pleased that it worked for you. I know of couples who never had kids and live in countries where IVF isn't possible, if it's something you really want it must be devastating. I wouldn't do it past 40. Are you in a relationship? No though she doesn't know anything about my dating life for various reasons. I need to keep her at arm's length because she doesn't respect boundaries and holds whatever I tell her against me sometimes. She habitually devalues people (NPD trait). She also gives terrible relationship advice I think its definitely time to lay down the law with your mother. You're a grown woman! I have and she isn't talking to me at the moment. Can't say I'm losing sleep over it. 1
Author Emilia Posted November 11, 2012 Author Posted November 11, 2012 Tell her you went to the internet and found what causes children, and you are NEVER going let anyone do that to you! Yecch! And you are completly disgusted she ever engaged in those activities. not a bad idea but probably won't
Eddie Edirol Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Thats good that you probably broke through to her, but is she completely unreasonable? Cant really reason logic to someone like that. Have you tried running through the scenario with her, like every detail? Such as hard hitting questions: Ok mom, I have a baby, then what? You didnt like being a mother, how are you going to like dealing with grandkids? What happens when you get sick of babysitting while Im away? I have to endure all the pain of childbirth, what is your benefit from children? Eventually you would lead the real answers out of her, answers that imply her getting ideas from her friends about grandkids, and if she is thought of as being a lesser person without them, if she is getting pressure. Or maybe she is bored and needs something to do that she doesnt have to have any initial investment in. Or maybe she was cold to you and her sister and she might want a second chance to show some real love and have a fresh start with new kids. Even in that scenario, you can explain to her how what she did to you made you come to the conclusion to keep kids away from her. or did you ask her all these questions already? 2
FitChick Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Fortunately, my siblings were breeders. My mother wanted me to have kids "so you can see what it's like" and not in a good way. She viewed having children as punishment. Looks like I won that battle. Emilia, tell your mother you cannot afford to have children so if she would save and then give to you the $250K that it costs to rear one child, you will get pregnant. If you're lucky, she will start saving, then drop dead and leave you a windfall. 3
Eddie Edirol Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Fortunately, my siblings were breeders. My mother wanted me to have kids "so you can see what it's like" and not in a good way. She viewed having children as punishment. Hold on, as punishment?? Whats her thinking behind that?
sb129 Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 Hold on, as punishment?? Whats her thinking behind that? punishment = payback perhaps? Not that I agree with that, but some people do see it that way..
El Brujo Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 When I passed the age of 21 and it was clear I was more interested in expanding my creative endeavors than in meeting women (they were all in college being brainwashed anyways), my mother got in the habit of making a pitiful puppy face and pestering me with "when am I ever going to have grandkids?" This became a PITA after a while... especially because my mother couldn't tell she wasn't making me feel guilty (I'm psychotic). It felt really dehumanizing to think of myself as her prize stallion... WTF is so great about my DNA??? Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer. When she asked me that stupid grandkids question again, I told her "you'll get them when you buy them on the black market". She answered by giving me a dirty look, but she never brought the matter up again. Kill your kid, spoil your grandkid... BTW are those rumors true that actor Anthony Quinn fathered a couple of kids in his 80s? 2
Author Emilia Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 Thats good that you probably broke through to her, but is she completely unreasonable? Cant really reason logic to someone like that. Have you tried running through the scenario with her, like every detail? Such as hard hitting questions: Ok mom, I have a baby, then what? You didnt like being a mother, how are you going to like dealing with grandkids? What happens when you get sick of babysitting while Im away? I have to endure all the pain of childbirth, what is your benefit from children? No, it would never occur to me to depend on her on anyone else to babysit for extended periods (ie for more than a few hours) so I'd never use that argument as an excuse. I would never use her role, or lack of role as an excuse for not having kids, it would send out the wrong message anyway sounding as if I were worried about her or others' availability as babysitters. This is about me, not her. Eventually you would lead the real answers out of her, answers that imply her getting ideas from her friends about grandkids, and if she is thought of as being a lesser person without them, if she is getting pressure. Or maybe she is bored and needs something to do that she doesnt have to have any initial investment in. The bolded is correct. Or maybe she was cold to you and her sister and she might want a second chance to show some real love and have a fresh start with new kids. Even in that scenario, you can explain to her how what she did to you made you come to the conclusion to keep kids away from her. or did you ask her all these questions already? You can't have this kind of conversation with my mother. There is a chance that she would be devastated (which I don't want) but likely I would work myself up over something she cannot grasp. This is a woman after all who tried to trick my sister and myself into co-signing her mortage (being equally responsible for it as she is) by trying to get our bank details without telling us why I never give out my details and when I investigated the issue I realised she agreed with the bank to involve my sister and I without our consent I'm still waiting for the apology or any kind of acknowledgment that what she did was wrong She is always 'right'. That's not the kind of person you can reason with and frankly it would require way too much mental or other type of energy that I could spend on people that actually love me
Author Emilia Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 Emilia, tell your mother you cannot afford to have children so if she would save and then give to you the $250K that it costs to rear one child, you will get pregnant. If you're lucky, she will start saving, then drop dead and leave you a windfall. Oh she wants to support me financially don't you worry. There are no boundaries in her life. What's hers is mine and what's mine is hers. All this thread is about my attempts at establishing boundaries and her resistance to that. Cue my previous post on the mortgage thing, it's about us, her children and her partner, doing what she wants. I think she sees herself as some kind of matriarch but luckily we don't live in Italy.
Author Emilia Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 It felt really dehumanizing to think of myself as her prize stallion... WTF is so great about my DNA??? Yes it does in a way, like you are on the planet for someone's convenience. Though to me it's the short-sightedness that's annoying. BTW are those rumors true that actor Anthony Quinn fathered a couple of kids in his 80s? I've heard as well but not sure. He probably wasn't too worried about contributing much apart from finances
CptObvious Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 PFFFFT She'll be dead in like 10 years, who gives a flying **** about what she wants. Don't mess up your life just to make 1 irrelevant person leave you alone.
Author Emilia Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 PFFFFT She'll be dead in like 10 years, who gives a flying **** about what she wants. Don't mess up your life just to make 1 irrelevant person leave you alone. pointless post as per usual
AlexDP Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 Does this mean you won't ever be a MILF, Emilia? 1
Author Emilia Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 Does this mean you won't ever be a MILF, Emilia? suppose not, though I've been called that. Nor a GILF - which would be disturbing on so many levels, even though some grannies are relatively young haha
AlexDP Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 suppose not, though I've been called that. Nor a GILF - which would be disturbing on so many levels, even though some grannies are relatively young haha Yuck . On a brighter note, it does mean your nether region wasn't obliterated by a giant baby human head and to be frank, I can only see that as being good for your sex life. According to the internet however, I am wrong. 1
GorillaTheater Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 suppose not, though I've been called that. Nor a GILF - which would be disturbing on so many levels, even though some grannies are relatively young haha Hey now, my wife happens to be a GILF. And she's as hot as a Houston sidewalk in July. 2
Sugarkane Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Thanks sugarkane. Shame your mum can't talk about it, perhaps it was hard for her to conceive or she received a lot of pressure from her own family. My mum had us young and it would have been better if she had been older because perhaps she would have been more emotionally mature - although she isn't really now at the age of 60.... Everyone is different but late 20s seems like a good age. Mature enough but not too old to feel the sleepless nights as much as those in their late 30s do perhaps. Theres no reason for her not to talk. It's not like she had trouble getting pregnant or anything. 1
Sugarkane Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 I find it weird that I always get this from everyone else except my parents. 1
Author Emilia Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 Yuck . On a brighter note, it does mean your nether region wasn't obliterated by a giant baby human head and to be frank, I can only see that as being good for your sex life. According to the internet however, I am wrong. according to the internet no woman should have sex over 40 so guess I'm a freak of nature
Author Emilia Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 Hey now, my wife happens to be a GILF. And she's as hot as a Houston sidewalk in July. I can well believe that GT, I think she falls in the younger GILF category though . I always feel like putting a cavaet in when I mention middle age that it doesn't apply to you. I'm sure you know what I mean.
Author Emilia Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 Theres no reason for her not to talk. It's not like she had trouble getting pregnant or anything. I find it weird that I always get this from everyone else except my parents. I think it's hardest to get impartial advice from your own family. This is why having good friends is so great.
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