suki1 Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 I recently found out through a mutual contact that my exMM went back to his wife after our final split. And I felt sick. Really, gut-wrentchingly sick. Which is stupid because it's been more than 2 years now and I have moved on. I haven't even heard from him in nearly a year. My partner and I are really happy, we have our first house together and we're talking about marriage. Why would I feel anything more than a kind of nothing response on finding that out? Has anyone else had this experience and how do we change it?
beenburned Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 I'm not familiar with your story. Did your XMM leave his wife and move in/live with you? If so, for how long?
MourningLosses Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 Wouldn't you feel grateful that you didn't ruin his wife's life? Grateful the damage done wasn't that bad? I feel that most of the time except when I resent that I'm stuck unhappy while they're back together. But if you're truly happy wouldn't you be glad that the harm some was minimized? What am I missing here?
Got it Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 I am sorry you are triggering like that. Depending on what you were told, what you thought was the premise of the affair, his home life, etc it can be a kick in the teeth. Ride the wave of feelings, know that it is just a leftover feeling, and keep moving forward. It's hard but try and focus back on your life, being gentle with yourself with flashbacks. (((((())))))) 2
Author suki1 Posted November 7, 2012 Author Posted November 7, 2012 When I think about it, the big deal is that he has been able to go back to his life as it was before without any consequences whereas mine was ruined because I was stupid enough to believe him. It's not about his wife or my life now (which I am for the most part really happy with). It's sadness that I clearly meant so little to him, despite everything he said, that he has been able to just pretend we never happened, when I loved him with everything that I was. It feels so unfair.
Author suki1 Posted November 7, 2012 Author Posted November 7, 2012 Also to answer a couple of questions. He said he split with her and moved to the spare room but never told her about us and never got himself out of the house. Yes I know that I was naive to believe that. I also know that I was naive to believe that he wouldn't then go back to exactly how things were once we split. Just because I had it in me to end my relationship because I fell for him does not mean he would do the same. I am glad that I didn't ruin his wife's life. I never actually wanted her to know he'd had an affair. I wanted him to move out and us to build a legitimate relationship. One of the reasons I stopped going back to him was because I started to irrationally hate her, which is just stupid in my view.
Artie Lang Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 it's been 2 years and if you'reas happy with your new partner as you say, this would be a non-issue. obviously you "settled" and are still hung-up on this MM. again, this is why i'd stay away from people who've taken part in affairs, as they will NEVER truly get over their AP.
Author suki1 Posted November 7, 2012 Author Posted November 7, 2012 That's a tad on the harsh side Artie. Why do you suggest people never get over their AP?
Artie Lang Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 (edited) suki, be totally honest with yourself. if you were truly over it, this thread wouldn't have even been started. You said it yourself.....you thought you'd share a life together. eventually he went back to his family, as most OMM, and left you bewildered. you eventually moved on, and found the "next best thing." this is the typical outcome of most affairs. i don't doubt that he cared about you.....deeply even. but that "love" you thought you had didn't trump his loyalty to his family- this includes his wife. if he loved you the way he said he did, he would've moved heaven & earth to be with you. he would've found a way to make it work, is all i'm sayin'. i'm not trying to be mean. i just think you could've done much better than invest your emotions in a married man. Edited November 7, 2012 by Artie Lang 2
beenburned Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 suki, I'm sorry he lied to you, and to his wife. I personally doubt he ever changed his home life at all ,or ever told his wife he was cheating on her. He did what he wanted at the expense of both you and his wife. Be grateful you dodged a bullet! If you had gotten him, he probably would have lied and cheated on you too. Best of luck for happy future! 1
Author suki1 Posted November 7, 2012 Author Posted November 7, 2012 To be fair, I know full well you're right in saying he would've cheated on me. He once said that he'd cheated on every partner he'd ever had, though with a long and heartfelt sob story about how he never wanted to which my youth and stupidness fell for. When I put it all down like this it makes me realise how completely thick I was. Also how truly lucky I am to have gotten away before something really awful happened. Yes it hugely affected my life but I can be grateful his wife never found out/my family never found out/I never got pregnant or any other awful thing happened. I also think his wife deserves better, but that's none of my business so I stay out of it. Artie - Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not fully over him. But I'm only not over him to the same extent that I'm not over my first partner, who I still care about but would never in a million years go back to. I honestly think that most people have moments like this over an ex. The only difference is if that ex was an AP then it adds a whole other layer and we end up coming to sites like this for help rather than any other source of support, because here we can hope to be understood. It doesn't mean we can't move on. I don't think what I have now is the next best thing either. There are differences but overall I'm treated a thousand times better now and we are building a legitimate life together that's nice and relaxed and (almost) devoid of drama. Surely that's no bad thing
MissBee Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 (edited) I recently found out through a mutual contact that my exMM went back to his wife after our final split. And I felt sick. Really, gut-wrentchingly sick. Which is stupid because it's been more than 2 years now and I have moved on. I haven't even heard from him in nearly a year. My partner and I are really happy, we have our first house together and we're talking about marriage. Why would I feel anything more than a kind of nothing response on finding that out? Has anyone else had this experience and how do we change it? Can't say I have. My mark of getting over it is when I a, indifferent about the tides of an ex-lover's romantic life. I mentioned in another thread some time ago that I knew I was 100% over my ex when I heard he got married and I didn't feel anything and it didn't bother me. I even looked at his wedding pictures and didn't have any strong reactions...it was just "Oh". So I don't know...I'd explore why when you've ostentatiously moved on and are happy that it makes you "gut wrenchingly sick" to the point of having to vent here, about your exMM's reunion with his wife. It may not be that you still have feelings for him or anything, but certainly, you can't be as removed and over it as you say if it does make you feel "gut wrenchingly sick". How many years (2 is not that much IMO, as it took me about that long to get over the ex who got married) is not always a marker of if you've emotionally moved on, and getting a new partner (esp. depending on how it came about) may not always be a true measure of how much you've moved on. Stuff like this can often pop up to show you how much you think you've moved on from how much you've actually moved on. Perhaps it's a matter of now learning to forgive yourself/him/come to terms with what was/wasn't....what about the reunion upsets you? I'd work through that personally so you can move on for real. Edited November 7, 2012 by MissBee
canuckprincess Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 In my opinion when some mm want to leave but don't it is because their scared. Their scared of the unknown, they would rather stay in a marriage because it's the path of least resistance. Divorce or seperation is a difficult road and if a mm or mw can get what they want why would they turn their worlds upside down. From the majority of posts I've read on this site and others most only leave when they are afraid of loseing the AP or the bs kicks them to the curb. 1
Author suki1 Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 Can't say I have. Perhaps it's a matter of now learning to forgive yourself/him/come to terms with what was/wasn't....what about the reunion upsets you? I'd work through that personally so you can move on for real. Maybe that's it. The thing that upsets me is that his life has gone back to normal like we never existed. Like after everything he said and promised and the horrible effects our relationship had on me, it has had absolutely no discernible effect on him and therefore meant nothing at all. Maybe that makes me a b***h to be upset by that but there it is.
MissBee Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Maybe that's it. The thing that upsets me is that his life has gone back to normal like we never existed. Like after everything he said and promised and the horrible effects our relationship had on me, it has had absolutely no discernible effect on him and therefore meant nothing at all. Maybe that makes me a b***h to be upset by that but there it is. I understand this. Although, for me, I knew I was over it when I no longer looked at it in that way. With one of my last exes, it wasn't an A, but a lot of stuff happened and I would watch his life and be soooooooo upset that he seemed to be getting new gfs, going on trips, and basically his life was not falling a part, although I was. It would upset me so much and I wanted to see him in pain/not doing well etc. I wanted some type of apology, some type of penance. When I was totally over him, I realized that his life being happy or sad wasn't going to help me. I no longer tied my feeling of well being to his apology that never came. I used to worry about whether or not I meant something, was it all lies etc....then I realized it didn't matter. I don't have any tips on how you can get to that point..except to say it took me a lot of introspection and I had to turn my focus inward versus externalizing it and basing everything on him, his life, worrying about what stuff meant to him etc. To me, when you're on the last leg of healing and when you're healed, you usually don't focus on what the other person is or isn't doing but you find a way to just own how you got there, see them for who they are, see that they are humans who make mistakes too, forgive them and yourself and move on. It's a process and hopefully you arrive there soon 1
Artie Lang Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 (edited) The thing that upsets me is that his life has gone back to normal like we never existed. that's the difference between OM and OW. OW tend to attach an emotional aspect, while most men see it as purely physical. Edited November 10, 2012 by Artie Lang
waytogo Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 it's been 2 years and if you'reas happy with your new partner as you say, this would be a non-issue. obviously you "settled" and are still hung-up on this MM. again, this is why i'd stay away from people who've taken part in affairs, as they will NEVER truly get over their AP. Sorry Artie, just not true. I'm well over my xAP and have been for a very long time (I was the one who chose to end). My husband is the absolute love of my life with no close seconds. She can have a healthy wonderful relationship with someone, who she can also make very happy once she is distanced from this. 2
Author suki1 Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 Thank you Miss Bee and Way to Go, you give me some hope that reactions like this won't always be the norm. Maybe part of it is because we've been NC for so long now that when I heard about him it was a shock. If I'd been hearing about him all along then maybe I would've gotten used to the reality and been less bothered rather than creating my own little imaginings on what his life might be like. Artie you make an interesting point about the difference between OW and OMs. Is this from experience? Some OM I've seen posting on here definately feel more than the physical
Ladydrib Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 I recently found out through a mutual contact that my exMM went back to his wife after our final split. And I felt sick. Really, gut-wrentchingly sick. Which is stupid because it's been more than 2 years now and I have moved on. I haven't even heard from him in nearly a year. My partner and I are really happy, we have our first house together and we're talking about marriage. Why would I feel anything more than a kind of nothing response on finding that out? Has anyone else had this experience and how do we change it? I felt like this, not from my affair, but about a boyfriend who I lost. I bring it up to caution you. I thought I had moved on from my boyfriend. It had been almost a year. I met the man who would become my husband. He was great. I thought I had moved on. But here I am years later, married to someone I've never been in love with and after many years of trying to make it work, I've finally admitted defeat. So what made me think of this when I read your post is that I believe I was not open to love when I met my husband. And I did not see it that way because I was blinded by the appearance of it looking so great and blinded by the empowerment I felt for believing I had finally moved on from my ex. If a person is still in love with someone, even if the relationship is long over and we accept and know that it's over, our heart is still not ready to truly love another until all the love we hold for that person is truly gone. This may not be true for you at all, but could it be that you haven't completely dissolved your feelings for your ex mm yet? And if so, be careful about getting in too deep with the man you are with now. I wish I could go back in time and have not gotten seriously involved with anyone for three years. I needed that much time until my heart was open to love someone else, even though I didn't see it.
Ladydrib Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 it's been 2 years and if you'reas happy with your new partner as you say, this would be a non-issue. obviously you "settled" and are still hung-up on this MM. again, this is why i'd stay away from people who've taken part in affairs, as they will NEVER truly get over their AP. I agree with the first part of this, but I do not agree that you will "never get over your affair partner". It does seem like you have not reached that point yet. And be very careful in that new relationship because you don't want to end up like me. Make sure you really love him before getting in deeper. It's not going to develop if it is not already there - no matter how perfect Mr. Nice New Guy is.
Author suki1 Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 I totally take your point Ladydrib, thank you for sharing your story. I am glad that you managed to find a way out in the end, even if it did take you a long time to realise what you needed to happen. I will be very careful with my partner, he is lovely and it would be unfair to move it too far forward without being certain. I do think that I am certain, he is amazing, this was just a random moment that knocked me for six is all. It is a different, less addicted feeling, but I think that is healthier in the end. 1
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