Not enough time with girlfriend.

[Stark]

Hi all, I've been seeing this woman for about 6-8 weeks now. It started off well but it has progressively got worse. I was hoping to grab some advice on if its fixable or what should do and honest criticism for myself as well as her.

 

I work night shift Mon-Thu 8pm-6am and she works as a support worker, caring for mentally disabled people. Her hours are erratic. Sometimes she's working 8am-4pm other days 4pm-10pm or other times staying overnight. I live with my mother (age 25) and will be moving out soon. I recently got employed again so I'm just saving up. She's age 22.

 

The way it began I initially said that I was looking for company and sex with a chance of it developing into a relationship. We have been officially a couple for the past week or two but its not good, we have been fighting a lot over issues, I can explain if anyone wants later what they are.

 

Regardless, I basically get little to no time because of our jobs, but mainly hers. She works most weekend hours.

 

This past week for example I seen her 3 hours on Wednesday before my work and friday 7pm-12am, both in town. I had to force friday after a massive fight we had (I can go into that, its important)

 

I am beginning to get unhappy as now she told me this next coming week she only has Saturday off and she wants to relax by herself. This basically means I dont get to see her next week. It's starting to cause a lot of fights. I understand she has an erratic job. I understand it's hard and my job is partly to blame also. But she's making me feel like I'm demanding too much of her time by what she's saying.

 

I feel thats an unfair judgement to make considering I seen her 9 hours total in one week, with no privacy time.

 

She says she cares for me and wants a relationship with me, yet is unwilling to make time. What can I do?

Edited November 5, 2012 by Stark

[TheFinalWord]

Hi all, I've been seeing this woman for about 6-8 weeks now. It started off well but it has progressively got worse. I was hoping to grab some advice on if its fixable or what should do and honest criticism for myself as well as her.

 

I work night shift Mon-Thu 8pm-6am and she works as a support worker, caring for mentally disabled people. Her hours are erratic. Sometimes she's working 8am-4pm other days 4pm-10pm or other times staying overnight. I live with my mother (age 25) and will be moving out soon. I recently got employed again so I'm just saving up. She's age 22.

 

The way it began I initially said that I was looking for company and sex with a chance of it developing into a relationship. We have been officially a couple for the past week or two but its not good, we have been fighting a lot over issues, I can explain if anyone wants later what they are.

 

Regardless, I basically get little to no time because of our jobs, but mainly hers. She works most weekend hours.

 

This past week for example I seen her 3 hours on Wednesday before my work and friday 7pm-12am, both in town. I had to force friday after a massive fight we had (I can go into that, its important)

 

I am beginning to get unhappy as now she told me this next coming week she only has Saturday off and she wants to relax by herself. This basically means I dont get to see her next week. It's starting to cause a lot of fights. I understand she has an erratic job. I understand it's hard and my job is partly to blame also. But she's making me feel like I'm demanding too much of her time by what she's saying.

 

I feel thats an unfair judgement to make considering I seen her 9 hours total in one week, with no privacy time.

 

She says she cares for me and wants a relationship with me, yet is unwilling to make time. What can I do?

 

I don't think it's going to work.

 

25, eh, you're kind of mature. She's 22. No.

Sex too quick. Started of well? It started as casual sex and then tried getting serious. Starting off well would have been the other way around: getting to know each other to see if compatible before even thinking of jumping in the sack.

She wants to be alone, and not with her new bf? Bro, no way honeymoon should be worn off that fast. I don't care how exhausted she is. Plus 22, haha I would go days with no sleep. How do you even get tired at that age?

Fighting a lot already. The details aren't important...you're 25, why do you want all this unnecessary stress? You're way too young for that! Get stable and find a woman with lifestyle compatibility.

[Stark]

I don't think it's going to work.

 

25, eh, you're kind of mature. She's 22. No.

Sex too quick. Started of well? It started as casual sex and then tried getting serious. Starting off well would have been the other way around: getting to know each other to see if compatible before even thinking of jumping in the sack.

She wants to be alone, and not with her new bf? Bro, no way honeymoon should be worn off that fast. I don't care how exhausted she is. Plus 22, haha I would go days with no sleep. How do you even get tired at that age?

Fighting a lot already. The details aren't important...you're 25, why do you want all this unnecessary stress? You're way too young for that! Get stable and find a woman with lifestyle compatibility.

 

It did start off well. I was spending hours on the phone with her and texting a lot. Sex did happen quick, but during the 6-8 weeks and before I met her I was finding out about her, and her views on relationships and things.

 

The arguements have been intense. They aren't me insulting her, but they are based around this problem, and she initially lied to me about something and another one was me being pissed off about her not giving me any consideration by giving my a phone call or text when she went out and I didn't hear anything until 5am.

 

Initially she has been seeing me on average 2 times a week, but she doesn't get a lot of time off, thats why she's tired. She can work up to 6 days a week at different locations. I can understand why she's tired.

 

The funny thing is that she was the one chasing me to begin with. Perhaps the arguements has made her lose interest, but she's sitting telling me she cares for me and wants a relationship and wants to make it work, while basically making no time at all for me and making me feel like a bad person for wanting to see her. I'm just baffled as to how both can be true.

Edited November 5, 2012 by Stark

[TheFinalWord]

It did start off well. I was spending hours on the phone with her and texting a lot. Sex did happen quick, but during the 6-8 weeks and before I met her I was finding out about her, and her views on relationships and things.

 

The arguements have been intense. They aren't me insulting her, but they are based around this problem, and she initially lied to me about something and another one was me being pissed off about her not giving me any consideration by giving my a phone call or text when she went out and I didn't hear anything until 5am.

 

Initially she has been seeing me on average 2 times a week, but she doesn't get a lot of time off, thats why she's tired. She can work up to 6 days a week at different locations. I can understand why she's tired.

 

The funny thing is that she was the one chasing me to begin with. Perhaps the arguements has made her lose interest, but she's sitting telling me she cares for me and wants a relationship and wants to make it work, while basically making no time at all for me and making me feel like a bad person for wanting to see her. I'm just baffled as to how both can be true.

 

Yeah, everything starts well when you're having sex haha It's the reality that you're dealing with a human being that is comprised of more than just a sexual nature that complicates things

 

She's already lying to you? Yeah, I apologize if my post came across cold, but I would not keep going with this. Actions speak louder than words. If she wanted you, she would make time for you. Tired is not an excuse. She could spend hours on the phone and text before, and also sex, but now she is tired? Nah, she is playing games.

 

People chase and lose interest. Some people crash and burn faster than others. Look at her actions. That's your gauge for her interest. Not her words or intentions. And don't try to justify her standoffish behavior. It's not just what she wants, but what you want too! That's what makes a good relationship. When both people are getting their needs met. Even if she is busy and can't find any time for you, is that the kind of relationship you want? You can't fit a round peg in a square hole and all that jazz. If you don't want that kind of relationship, why put up with it? Millions of eligible women out there

 

If you want a relationship, I would go a bit older or more mature in general. And try to wait to find out more about her before moving so fast physically.

[TheFinalWord]

Kind of tired, but also wanted to add.

 

You say the arguments aren't insulting her, but you're trying to coral this woman. You might as well be insulting her. When you try to encapsulate a woman you are literally shoving her away at breakneck speed.

 

You can never win if you try to encapsulate a woman. It won't work. If you start fighting and telling her to do this and that, spend time with me, call me, etc. nothing will dissipate her interest quicker. Paradoxically, it's when you give her the freedom to chose to be with you, that she gains interest (and she has to perceive it's her choice). That means not desperate to see her, having your own things going on, and know you are a great catch. She's 22, so I'm guessing she is really attractive. She knows it and the way you are acting possessive she knows she can pull you around all she wants. Just has to throw a bone once and a while. Don't be a sucker. Let her have Saturday alone. Go out with your friends, catch a flick, play pool, study, whatever you like to do. Don't act so needy for her. Be cool about it and genuinely have a good time. That really is going to be the only possible way to salvage this, if you even want to. If nothing else doing what I said will help you get your mind back and not so fixated on this girl.

Edited November 5, 2012 by TheFinalWord

[River Rain]

I was in the same situation. He worked crazy long shifts, physical labour so all he wanted to do was sleep when he got home. Four days of very little contact, maybe a 5 minute phone call or an email. The next four days he had off, but traveled to a city two hours away to spend time with his daughter, which is expected. When she was asleep, we'd talk for hours, but it was always at his convenience. I tried to be understanding, but it finally got to me, I loved him but he couldn't give me what I needed. There were other reasons for the breakup, but this was a glaring one that I'd shrugged off and glossed over. We were LDR, and all I could imagine for the future was me sitting alone at home and him coming in and out the door, then disappearing on me...

 

If you truly need more from a girlfriend, then you might have to let this one go. Spending time together is so important to build a good connection.