2sunny Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 Since you believe your W started the M with lies of being a virgin - it's no wonder she just continued her habit of lying all through your M. I do agree that there seems to be a shift in outlook, respect and power when the H tends to DO a lot of the housework instead of at least shared responsibility. I don't think your W has ever had respect for you. She trampled on you throughout most of your M. Can't say I blame you for divorcing her. I can tell you that D isn't such a bad thing as people make it out to be. For me, not wondering anymore what my H was lying about or keeping from me is freedom. He stole a lot of my peace of mind while we were M 20 years. Not wondering anymore is awesome! I can do what I want, with who I want, for as long as I want - without asking for anyone's approval! It's fun now!
seibert253 Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 Sometimes enough is enough my friend. BTW, why are you wasting time and money on counseling? Your WW seems never to be honest. What leads you to believe she.ll start now?
Author Anoidtoo Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 Hi guys, many thanks for your support.. I just wanted to go to the counseling to see if she can be a wee bit honest.. well it's over now... she burst into tears (crocodile tears).. telling her part as if I'm also to be blamed that she made the mistake and let herself go ... the counselor asked her if and when it happened we had arguments, quarreled and have problems speaking to each other. she admitted we had no issues what-so-ever and that she got carried away by the charm of the other guy and she felt some form of compassion when she's in his company. She admitted she could not stop seeing him for sex as she believed (the other man convinced her too) that I would never discover that she's having an affair as long as she keeps me happy, make as if everything is sweet as... Well guys, there you are.. when a relationship or marriage is too sweet and it seems that both are very happy and getting on well... it's worth digging a bit further.. I'm not saying it happens to everyone but this one is an eye opener.. I feel on top of the world. I have not moved out yet but I'm now sleeping in another bedroom and I've put a deadlock on the door when I'm at work or out. No more playing games and I am nice to her still and this is killing her as she knows it won't be for long now for me to move out. The house is on the market and it will be sold soon as it is a very nice house and well situated. What a life!!! I feel sorry for her.. my life will be back on track as I'm dedicating myself to my work until I've moved out and settled in. You are all wonderful people and please forgive for not expressing my concerns clearer right at the beginning rather than voicing my frustration and form of anger.... Have a good people... god be with you all.... 3
Author Anoidtoo Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 Thanks BetrayedH... Had she been honest upfront, I would have seriously consider reconciliation and rebuilding trust,love and harmony, but this is not to be in this case. She chose to lie, camouflage and get on with it in the hope that I'd live in the dark.. Every dog has its day!!!! Good luck with all of you on this forum and I hope you all find peace and harmony be it with your partner or moving on... Life's too short but I do not regret sitting out the 20years... finally nature has prevail...
drifter777 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Sadly, your story seems to be more and more the norm here at LS. Maybe it is harder for a BH to reconcile with a WW. Or maybe it's harder for a WW to end the A than it is for a cheating husband. Anyway, it's sad. As for nature prevailing, do you remember this old tale? A scorpion wants to cross the river so he asks the frog to carry him on his back. “Do you think I am crazy?” The frog says. “If I let you on my back, you’ll certainly sting me and I’ll sink in the water and die.” The scorpion replies, “hey just think about it for a second, I can’t swim. If I sting you, then you’ll die and I’ll sink and die too.” The frog thinks for a second and decides that makes sense, so he proceeds to give the scorpion a ride across the stream. About half way across the stream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog screams “What are you doing? Why did you sting me? Now I am going to drown and die and you are going to sink and die too.” The scorpion says “because I am a scorpion.” First and foremost, a cheater is a taker and a liar. This is who they are; this is their nature. They are not to be trusted until they earn it back. They are not to be forgiven until they earn forgiveness. A BS who is willing quickly "accept" the betrayal and offer cheap forgiveness is hurting themselves and their chances of a successful reconciliation. This is what we all have learned and why those of us with experience urge the BS to be strong, to get tough. I wish they could hear us.
road Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 First and foremost, a cheater is a taker and a liar. This is who they are; this is their nature. They are not to be trusted until they earn it back. They are not to be forgiven until they earn forgiveness. A BS who is willing quickly "accept" the betrayal and offer cheap forgiveness is hurting themselves and their chances of a successful reconciliation. This is what we all have learned and why those of us with experience urge the BS to be strong, to get tough. I wish they could hear us. Sad because this BH won't let his WW do the work now. Your WW has lived in fear that the day may come that you find out and leave her. As these years you lived in fear but did not the balls to man up and force this issue the 15-20 years ago. Yet you complain that WW let too much time go past. Well you sat there scared afraid to confront your WW and let just as much time go past. 20 years is a little late to be thuming ones chest doing the alpha male strut. This divorce is not about you. You are the adult, the man. Fact is chilldren are statistically shown to suffer and carry problems through adult hood and be cheaters themselves. Yet you won't man up and try to stay their for your kids and repair the damage. You have a WW that strayed for a short time. Has been an excellent wife and mother. She came clean. You reward her becoming honest by walking away. You owe to your kids to try and save their family.
stillafool Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 OP at least your children are grown at 21 and 23 years old and moving on with their life. I think you are right to divorce your wife because you have held on to this resentment for 20 years. It would have been harder t leave with a 1 and 3 year old. You are obviously not the type to forgive and forget when it comes to infidelity so it is time to free yourself as well as your wife. What a sad 20 years you both have wasted. You will find love again and be happy and finally your wife will free of your suspicions and will move on to someone new as well. As far as facing the families and what they think - who cares, you have to live life for yourself as you can't please everyone.
drifter777 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 So many people want to make a big deal over the 20 year thing. I believe that people confront the trauma's of their life when they are ready to deal with them and not one minute before. The downside to waiting is all of the heartache you both have suffered through before finally getting to the bottom of the issue. The upside is that you provided your kids with a stable home-life and the security they need growing up. Are you in individual counseling? You really need to talk with someone who can help you release all of your pent-up hurt, anger, and resentment.
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