My wife prefers to live a lie and suffer in silence

[karnak]

You're a nice guy. You really are. I'm not being ironic.

 

But, please, take care.

 

Unfortunately, in these days and age, lots of people try to take advantage of people like you.

[turnera]

One thing I would suggest at this therapy is for you two to agree beforehand that you will approach it as a TEAM. You are there to improve together, ok? Try very hard not to make it a you against me thing.

[Anoidtoo]

hi Karnak,

I know and it does play on my mind.. I cannot wait until the counseling session or sessions.. all depends... I'd love to know what was on her mind initially to get involved with the OM.. there must have been a certain spark and if so ... what made her stay on with me. I'm going to ask those questions.. I need answers too in order to find closure and move on with our relationship.

[Anoidtoo]

Very true Turnera,

this is why I've been for the first session alone so I can find calm and understanding to be by her side when she relate what happened to her.. Deep down inside, honestly,I do not believe she's a type that will go from one affair to the other. My gut feeling tells me she got mislead with this one.. anyway, I will know the truth and I will be on here letting you guys know as you have all supported me be sarcastically or not.. I believe that at times one has to be cruel to be kind..

[Anoidtoo]

Just a guy.. hi buddy.. I respect and welcome with clarity what you've stated. Very true indeed however, not protecting my wife for what she's done, I can clearly understand from what I've gathered that she's been mislead into this at her lowest weakness and sure I'm upset with her for continuing doing it for 5 months. Who knows maybe that OM has threatened he'd find a way to let me know if she didn't go along with his plan!!!! or maybe she enjoy having sex with the two of us.. I was her first and who knows, maybe she wanted to see how it feel doing it with OM. what I made clear to her was: that she has been used, be it at her wish or mislead into it.. it's something that can never ever be erased from her memory.. she'd live with it for the rest of her life and sure we may be able to overcome it and move on but the scar is marked forever on my mind...

Since she's told me the whole thing.. all I can see in my sleep or if she walks past me in the nude going to or from the shower, is the OM touching her.. it is very hard at the moment and I pray that with the right counseling, I can erase or fade it away to a point where It will not be too hard to deal with. In all fairness, I've been thinking if I leave her.. that's it.. I will not want another woman in my life.. it's just too hard.. I've read a lot of notices about rising percentages of married women having affairs. It's scary... What do they miss in their relationships? Why do they do it? What did they expect married life to be? This is happening to many Australian married women that are in good employment positions. How sad!!!!

Edited November 9, 2012 by Anoidtoo

[Anoidtoo]

Just a Guy... to correct one of your Thread.. we had the two children prior to her affair. This is why I hung around.. I loved my children and they still love me very much.. to me I was protecting them. And you are right.. she got dumped... and I pray that she does not look at me as 2nd best as to be honest if and when after the counseling things are not going as expected, I will seriously consider separation. No one wants to be second best!!!

[2sunny]

Have you been tested for std's?

 

Have you asked your W to take a polygraph?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Anoid, Quite frankly I am surprised that you continue to make excuses for your wife although maybe I shouldn't blame you for it. After all, the two of you have shared a life together for almost twenty five years and one does grow to become protective of one's spouse after all this length of time. However if you go back and read your own original post you would find that you yourself have put her down in no uncertain terms. You say that you are above her and that you use her for sex as you would a prostitute. You have also in so many words, blamed her for the sham of a life that the two of you have lived for approximately twenty years, presenting a happy facade to the outside world while torturing yourselves on the inside. I am sure this is not the life you would have wanted to live if you had a choice.

 

In any case my point here is that I am not so concerned with the fact that your wife had an affair for five months although that is a reprehensible act on her part by itself. What is more reprehensible is the fact that she chose to hide this fact from you for twenty years even though you gave her ample opportunities to come clean on various occasions. She chose to do this even when she was well aware that you were suffering in silence and that you had a more than fair idea that she had cheated on you. She suffered herself but then that was a result of her own bad choices. In your case you were blameless and did not deserve to be put through the wringer. If she had truly loved you she would not have done this to you. Her only concern in all this while was to save her own skin which she managed admirably. If you read the post by Garyinola you will find that his wife came clean within two and a half months of starting an affair with her client and that she broke it off on her own, all the while that her partner in sin was still chasing her. She admitted everything to her husband even though he was completely unaware of her affair. She did so because she found that deep down she still loved her husband very much and did not want to continue hurting him even though he was not aware that he was being hurt! That is what I would say is love for her husband and remorse on the part of the wife. What she did was very wrong and it is up to Gary to decide whether he wants to forgive her and move on. However she gave her husband full disclosure and left him free to decide on the fate of their marriage while making every effort that she could to repair the trust between them in every way possible. In your wife's case I regret to say that none of this seems to have happened. If you had not presented her with an ultimatum to come clean or see you walk away she would not have confessed even today. I hope you see what I am trying to get at! In any case it is your decision as to what you want to do but whatever you do, do so with wide open eyes and not with blinkers on. You pointed out that I had got it wrong about the birth of your children and that they were already there when your wife started her affair. If that is the case then her crime is even worse as she disregarded her role as a mother and put her whole family including small children at risk of a break up of the family just so that she could get her thrills! My friend you have a very serious choice in front of you. Whatever you do you should take care that you protect your own interests as your wife is not going to do that for you. She is only going to protect her own interests in a very selfish manner. Good luck to you!

[Anoidtoo]

Hi Just a guy... and you are sooo right buddy.

 

I'm starting to feel my feet firmly on the ground after the shock of getting the truth out of her. It's only a matter of time now before the counseling takes place.

She came home the other day after 7pm claiming that she went out for coffee with a couple of girls at her work and I queried her: why didn't you call home to let me know! and to be honest I added, at this point in time it does not matter... the damage has been done and instead of trying to make it right, your friends' priority is more important than a call home to let this dog know you'll be a bit late.

She may have been having coffee with the girls for sure, at least she could have called to let me know, is that much to ask?

I'm starting to see many different things in different actions and I'm finally grasping my inner self and realizing that something is slowly changing deep inside of me... I do not dislike or hate her..but I have my reservations and the everything you wrote, I've been feeling exactly this way but kept telling myself it will go away...

Whether she's worried, scared or panicking... aside of accepting to go to the counseling, I cannot see any slight interest in her wanting to salvage what's left of our marriage (if there's anything left)..

Something what I forgot to mention through my frustration wanting to air everything out initially, she's a career woman.. I'm a full time employee too who happens to get home before her in the evening.. and having been brought up this way by my family, I do the majority of the house chores, do the dishes, wash the clothes,clean, polish, ironing,gardening and prepare dinner. She rarely helps as she's always busy with work reports. Her work revolves around her 24hours..

I never used to mind doing all this, as this is me.. but thinking of it, she's had a pretty damn good life all those years and no wonder she had time on her hands to play around!!! And recently, I've noticed she's playing game on her iphone.. she tells me it's Word-with-Friends and Hanging-with-friends... I'm not interested to check, but she says her opponent are 3 other ward managers at her work and at times she sits there smiling and just say, I'm beating such and such a person and they're sending me little messages in between the games.... Technology!!

I've got my eyes wide open now and I can say, there's a pleasant feeling rising inside of me and it's beckoning freedom. At this point in time, counseling or no counseling I'm feeling free for the very first time and it's a feeling I'm getting used to and welcoming it. I will go along to the counseling and give her ample opportunities to air everything and to convince me to a point that the mess I've created in my mind for those past years can be cleaned or erased from my memory, if not, then I'm well and truly ready to put it softly across to her that's it's all over and done with...It's now my duty to be honest for once...

have a good day.. many thanks for your support..

[2sunny]

Not calling you. Not considering your peace of mind. Playing games with niter action by text ( another way she COULD hide more cheating)...

 

Doesn't look like a woman that cares enough to repair the damage SHE caused!

 

Looks like a gal that thinks you'll stay married while she treats you like poop!

 

Heck, I'll be your wife - but I'm a PARTNER in a marriage - I work, cook, clean and do yard work too! But I never cheat!

 

There are women out there that won't treat you so terribly!

 

Sop being her doormat.

 

Yes, YOU are ALLOWING it!

[Anoidtoo]

it's coming to an end... I do not know why but it seems like she's worried about something and trying to stay calm...I get the feeling she may be having issues at work or with someone there as it's been over 3 weeks now... i get the feeling that I'm not welcome around her work area... I wonder why????? I will find out.. I've got the courage to dig further now... There's a work colleague of hers that gets on very well with me.. I'm going to test the deep end.

[Anoidtoo]

I'm free from STD"s and clean as and since discovering that she did cheat on me even years ago.. I do not feel I want anything to do with sex from her... I can survive.. I will survive...

[turnera]

How about you take some of her money from her oh so special career, and hire a housekeeper?

 

Here's a horrible truth about humanity: when men take over the household duties, women stop respecting them. She will NEVER really want you (and fight to keep you) if you don't become the alpha in the family.

[Saba]

Here's a horrible truth about humanity: when men take over the household duties, women stop respecting them. She will NEVER really want you (and fight to keep you) if you don't become the alpha in the family.

 

What????????????? I hope you were being sarcastic with that. Research certainly does not show that. Try googling your theory.

[turnera]

Don't need to. I've seen it happen in at least half - more likely 3/4 - of all the cases of female infidelity I've read on forums in the last ten years.

[karnak]

Don't need to. I've seen it happen in at least half - more likely 3/4 - of all the cases of female infidelity I've read on forums in the last ten years.

 

I've always been (and still am) the supporter of equality for both sexes. But what you say is true. I've watched it several times with my eyes.

 

I even see it happen quite recently:

 

An old friend of mine has recently (2/3 months ago) started cooking. It seems he's develloping a taste for "master chef" and that kind of shows.

 

Guess what... his wife (they have a daughter too) has started to become cold and agressive towards him. In fact, I started avoiding going to their house because I've noticed her being "too gentle" towards me. Brrrrr... :/

 

Something inside me tells me their marriage will end mid-2013.

[turnera]

The shocking truth is, being a stay-at-home dad can have a terrible effect on relationships, as divorce lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt has witnessed.

Incredibly, she says that divorces where the man is a full-time dad have doubled in the last five years, and now account for 10 per cent of all marital break-ups.

 

 

‘In my experience, 25-30 per cent of couples where there is a stay-at-home dad end in acrimonious splits — and it is almost always the woman who initiates proceedings,’ she says. ‘It’s the biggest explosion we’ve seen this year. It’s absolutely astounding.

 

 

‘The honeymoon period lasts for six to 12 months then the woman starts to feel resentful when she comes home and Dad is watching TV with the kids and the house is a tip.

 

 

‘There is also a sense of embarrassment among many women when their friends find out their men are full-time dads, which they hate.

 

 

'Bottom line is, they don’t respect their other half any more. If they don’t respect him, they don’t fancy him — and it’s a slippery slope.’

 

 

I also know of house husbands who were dealt the cruelest blow of all: their wife, no longer turned on by their man-about-the-house, ran off with a dashing alpha-male colleague.

 

 

Vanessa Lloyd Platt says: ‘There are men who come to me because their wives are staying out late after work, not returning calls, having affairs,’ she says. ‘What we’re seeing here is not just a reversal but a total revolution in gender roles.’

Edited November 13, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[turnera]

He should look for evidence of her OM.

[Anoidtoo]

To some extent people... proven by me even if it took me 20years to sleep on it... My gut feeling told me my wife has been insincere... well finally, after I joined this forum you guys gave me the courage I needed to give her an ultimatum and she's admitted to it. So, I strongly believe when the other half feels something's not right... go for it and investigate...

I'm not a home base dad, I have a full time job too but because I get home earlier than my wife, I start doing the house chores (thinking I'm doing it to please, keep harmony and balance family life with work)... I provided my wife more leisure time so her educated brain went wondering....Even if I've put up with it for the past 20years, who's having the last laugh now? In a few days, counseling will be on the table and I have made my mind up.. new start, new life and solo for a long while for me.

 

We spoke briefly last night and she admitted that she knows the end is near and it's all her fault... I said: I wish I could help you but you've made the bed sweetie.. you'll have to sleep in it and bear it...by now your ex-lover would be happy as with his own family..

And of course she said: men are pigs.. they are users, awful.. it's takes two to tango I said... He did not force you with a gun at your head did he? Did he force you to fly down to Sydney or you did it out of your own free will ignoring the lurking danger that awaited you or maybe you brushed it aside thinking oh well, it's a one off fling and my husband will never get to know about.

All I said to finish our conversation: What goes around comes around.... one way or the other, the truth surfaces in the long run and in the meantime the damage done is beyond repair. This is a lesson for each and everyone of us.. when you give your heart to someone, evil temptation is always beckoning around us... where's our will power to keep our head up high and reject it!!!!!

I truly feel for many young people growing up in this tormented world of ours!!! God be with you all..

[road]

To some extent people... proven by me even if it took me 20years to sleep on it... My gut feeling told me my wife has been insincere... well finally, after I joined this forum you guys gave me the courage I needed to give her an ultimatum and.......

 

 

You gave her an ultimatum. That does not mean you had to give yourself one to divorce your WW if you found out she had an affair.

 

Statistic: Over 50% survive an affair. I just googled where the number that survived and affair at 78%. Many report to wind up with a happier marriage post affair.

 

Out side of venting here what have you done to heal from here affair. Some may say this was 20 years ago. Though it is brand new to you. This is why you can not be calm about what is happening around you.

 

You need 6 months to let your mind process what has happened so you can make important life decisions that will affect you and your kids for the rest of your lives. Statistics show that kids have more problems coming from a broken home in school and as adults.

 

Ann Landers once said on whether to divorce: are you better off with her or without her. This means you put the affair aside and ask is the marriage good then why throw it away if the WS is welling to work to repair the damage.

 

Did you get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley?

[Just a Guy]

I think their children are old enough to handle any fall out if Anoid and his wife decide to split. Also considering the gross disrespect that his wife has shown him over twenty years by not coming clean and making him live a lie is, in my opinion enough cause for him to separate from her. As he says, she made her bed and now she must sleep on it.It appears from his last post that his wife is not at all remorseful about her actions and is more or less reconciled about the impending separation. I guess it is too late to think about reconciliation especially after the way she has treated him. Best of luck in what you plan to do Anoid!

[Saba]

The shocking truth is, being a stay-at-home dad can have a terrible effect on relationships, as divorce lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt has witnessed.

 

 

 

Incredibly, she says that divorces where the man is a full-time dad have doubled in the last five years, and now account for 10 per cent of all marital break-ups.

 

 

 

 

‘The honeymoon period lasts for six to 12 months then the woman starts to feel resentful when she comes home and Dad is watching TV with the kids and the house is a tip.

 

 

‘There is also a sense of embarrassment among many women when their friends find out their men are full-time dads, which they hate.

 

 

'Bottom line is, they don’t respect their other half any more. If they don’t respect him, they don’t fancy him — and it’s a slippery slope.’

 

 

I also know of house husbands who were dealt the cruelest blow of all: their wife, no longer turned on by their man-about-the-house, ran off with a dashing alpha-male colleague.

 

 

Vanessa Lloyd Platt says: ‘There are men who come to me because their wives are staying out late after work, not returning calls, having affairs,’ she says. ‘What we’re seeing here is not just a reversal but a total revolution in gender roles.’

 

Uh huh..... could this be because there are more stay at home dads? is 25 - 30% a higher divorce rate than for couples with other working arrangements? I chose to believe marital researchers over a divorce lawyer or threads on internet forums (where I, and I can only assume others, read the threads with the most interesting titles).

‘In my experience, 25-30 per cent of couples where there is a stay-at-home dad end in acrimonious splits — and it is almost always the woman who initiates proceedings,’ she says. ‘It’s the biggest explosion we’ve seen this year. It’s absolutely astounding.

Edited November 13, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Anoidtoo]

Where does one draw the line? My children are adults now and they do their own things even if they are still living at home. My wife’s disrespect to me goes way beyond mere counselling and putting it behind us. I recently got in touch with one of her ex-staff who happens to have been on many of those Medical conferences with her. The lady reminded me of the reason she asked for a transfer to another ward in the same hospital as she could not bear seeing what my wife was doing while she boasted how lucky she was to have been married to me.. (I took care of the chores around the house, was always there for the children)… she was a career person, dedicated to her job… (my foot she was.. now that I know better). Coffees, lunches, dinners and so many private telephone calls to her work direct line.. it’s been going on for a long long while now and she believed I would never ever discover or suspect anything (until I came across her lover's address and contact in her personal mini-telephone book) very smart she’s been.. no trace on her private cell phone or home base computer.. all done through work … (her excuses, talking to patients family members, Sales reps in regards to medical equipment.. all the likes).. very smart way to camouflage her affairs. And the reason why I would not have suspected anything, I had no reason to call in at her work all the time… she had the freedom to play..

And lately she’s been trying hard not to give me the opportunity to drop by at her work otherwise I would have probably heard of something…as I recently learned from the ex-colleague, one of the girls that used to be in her little group at the conferences got booted by the husband. He organized an investigator who followed and filmed her every actions. She got caught sleeping with AM and that was the end..

What I learned is that at those conferences, sales Rep., would entertain certain hospital staff members in order to sell their product, they provide drinks, dinner and fun in nightclubs. Well my wife and five other girls, all in their mid 20’s , young, pretty, humorous and friendly got sucked into the free entertainment provided by Sales Rep., . One thing led to another, after the day activities, pre-dinner drinks, group dinner then off to the nightclub and more drinks, dance.... and for some no control of alcohol intake which then led to the need of strong arms to accompany whoever it is back to the hotel room (the rest figure it out).. things happened while being tipsy, drunk is no excuse to have sex with AM especially a married woman!!.

I can understand if there were issues at home… my wife and I were in our 4th wedding year and still in our honeymoon mood.. Was it too good that she had to stray? Was she hungry for more? Or was it just plain stupidity and no brain in that area!!!

Well now that I’ve learned more and not directly from her, how can I work on forgiving and moving on? She has not been honest, no respect for me… she prefers to lie and try to hide things to protect her own dignity and interest.. Counseling or no counselling..I'm out..there can never be anyone that can fix this.. Why should I give in and give her another chance? What about my happiness... I cannot let go of the visuals I'm having...

She’s worried that she may end up just like that other woman who now lives in a small flat, depressed as, drinking even more and calling in sick a lot of time… her life is stuffed up… maybe this is why my wife is trying hard to hide.. well too late it’s going to happen to her too and she will have to face it very soon.

Enough is enough…. Be it for men and women out there… think twice before you go out and hurt your other half doing stupid things like that. Those type of people should never ever meet another person for a steady relationship, they should remain single for the rest of their lives.

Edited November 14, 2012 by Anoidtoo

[2sunny]

Sheez, you still wonder what she's really up to - and I don't blame you.

 

She's a sneaky one.

 

She's not doing everything to earn your trust in her.

 

She's still cheating - I'd bet money.

 

Hire a PI and demand she take a polygraph.

 

And don't do one nice thing for her - until she earns ALL your trust back!

[Anoidtoo]

Too far gone @Sunny... I've had enough and there's nothing left for me to build on. How can I trust her ever again.. she may have stopped now knowing that I'm aware of certain things so far.. she could be lying low to camouflage her actions. I've been through enough.... I do not think I can ever trust or believe her... The damage is way too deep... She needs to move on and be honest with herself.. she's wrong to hold on to me just because I'm a good father to our children and I do all the chores around the house and or just to show that her family life is great... NOT!! How selfish is that!!

I do not need any further proof, the proof is in the pudding.. she's not telling me everything and that is enough.. it may come out at the counseling but it's a tad too late... She'll probably end up a very bitter spinster as far as I know.

Men down under are into and after fresh young blood and not women over 35 up unless they have lots of money to pay the young good looking men for sex.. She knows better as her ward clerk is struggling to find a partner ever since her husband left her almost 15yrs ago and she's only 42yrs old... a very nice lady but not my type though .. I believe it was the husband who strayed.. At her work my wife is surrounded by a few women with issues... She should have known better... Oh well maybe she will be happier on her own then she can play the field as she so want...

Edited November 15, 2012 by Anoidtoo