My wife prefers to live a lie and suffer in silence

[todreaminblue]

I think it is sad you wont ask but in a way saying to your wife did you you cheat twenty years ago would be awkward i think a whole lot better though,than ending a marriage on basically a whim and an assumption of infidelity...deb

[JustJoe]

This whole thing is preposterous! OP, you need to find out what happened, by confronting your wife with your suspicions. Demand an answer, yes or no, THEN decide if you believe her answer or not. THEN if you don't, you walk. But man-up and get the job done. You have come here with yourself as the victim, of what? You don't even know if she cheated or not and you've lived like this for 20 years? Sorry but thiis about as gutless a thing as I've seen here on LS.

[Anoidtoo]

I've asked her that question one too many times guys.. this is why I'm frustrated. She keeps telling me a different answer all the time.

[BetrayedH]

I am going to agree with the other posters here. All of your "clues" don't add up to jack crap in my mind. It's apparent that others here are also unconvinced about your wife's infidelity. And the comical thing is that you probably couldn't have found a group of people more willing to assume that a spouse is cheating and that would urge you to "trust your gut." But even we don't see it. She picked up a friend at th airport 20 years ago and has a history of deleting contacts from her address book without disclosing it to you? And she doesn't like all of your paranoid questions? That's it?

 

It is ridiculous that you have been punishing your wife for 20 years on a suspicion. Investigate, confront, demand counseling, demand a polygraph - all options that have been in front of you for 20 years. And instead, now you're packed up and ready to walk out on her after 20 years and no proof?

 

I suggest you go ahead and list all of the things that lead you to believe she has cheated on you. And then, since you have clearly screwed this up for 20 years, I suggest you shut up and listen to what people have to say instead of defending your own broken logic.

[Steadfast]

I'll agree with Kidd. Considering what's been written, there's too many holes in this to really know anything. What's clear is that the OP is very unhappy.

 

And your adult kids will be fine - they should be ready to live on their own at this age anyway!

 

Disagree 2sunny. Adults are more devastated by divorce than children are, IMO. Blowing holes in a someone's foundation can cause them to crumble.

[ComingInHot]

Twenty Years of FESTERING is horrible!!!

I can't imagine having to wake up every morning and be you!!

 

There is a time when Ultimatims are necessary and it seems like one is Loooong overdue;

"Go to Marriage Counseling w/me or get out". But you HAVE to Mean it.

 

You are only given ONE life and it's over in the blink of an eye. Do you really want to look back (as I see you are already doing here) and think of all the wasted energy & years of being someone who you were never meant to be?!?!!

 

It wasn't until I had the balls to tell my FWH to either go to M counseling OR get out that things started to change... He is becoming the Man & father He wants to be AND I am getting back to the "real" me again too. Mostly we are getting back to that "totally In Love" thing that was lost for a season.

 

You are here on LS because you are ready for change. What ever change you decide to make, make it soon. For you AND for her and your grown children.

Although, I'd hate to see you throw away (more) your marriage based on the what it's and festering that you've done for twenty year...

 

By the way, did it occur to you that maybe all those years ago she met w/temptation but when you questioned her she Chose You and deleted everything else to let it go and fuly commit to the marriage? Then nothing may have happened yet you are punishing her and your marriage for it... Again MC or Get out would be my advice

Best of luck *

[mitchell]

This story is so pathetic that I can't help wonder if it's actually true. How in the world have the two of you lived the lives you have described over the past 20 years?

 

I find it hard to believe that anyone could be so spineless. You claim to have beaten yourself up all this time with doubts about your wife's actions yet you have never confronted her?

 

How could your wife, an intelligent medical professional, live her life with a cold and distant husband all of these years without confronting you?

[Just a Guy]

Just one question. Has your wife ever, in all these years, ever questioned you as to why you behave the way you do? I mean if what you say is true then I am sure she would have noticed something very wrong in your relationship and if she was blameless she would definitely have questioned you as to why you were treating her coldly or with a lack of affection. All the more so if, as you say, the two of you had a very loving and caring relationship prior to the possible infidelity on her part. If she has never questioned you about the quality of your relationship I would tend to believe that you may be right in your belief that infidelity did actually occur. Also the fact that she deflects any questions about her infidelity is a pointer to guilt on her part. I guess she chooses to live in a loveless marriage rather than letting the Devil loose and having to face her family and friends and losing her family and home by confessing to her infidelity. However since you have done no wrong you do not have to choose to live like that. Warm wishes!

[drifter777]

Such a complex issue. I guess we have to start somewhere.

 

OP: What are you looking for at this point? Are you finally ready to face your worst fear - which is having her confirm her cheating - and try to deal with it and rekindle your relationship? Are you tired of feeling such vitriol toward her and are ready to simply leave and start a new life? If you make your intentions clear I think we may be able to offer you better feedback.

[Owl]

I'm going to take a different approach.

 

You've indicated you've asked the question many times, and not got a consistent answer.

 

How do you propose getting an honest answer now?

 

What are you going to do if you cannot get a full truth that you trust completely at this point?

 

I personally think that you're never going to get an answer that you truly believe.

 

The only real question that I see here is...what do you truly intend to DO if you don't get that level of comfort from her response?

 

I think you should just start down that path. You can either accept that it was 20 years ago and you'll never know the truth...or you can realize that you're not going to get that answer and do whatever it is you intend to do with that understanding.

[Anoidtoo]

Ok guys,

many thanks for your feedback.. you've given me the courage I've been lacking in putting in an ultimatum question. Finally I did it last night with: You either tell me the honest truth or it's over right now.. my things are packed and ready to move out.. Finally, thank you all.. she admitted to cheating several times with the same guy. A Sales Ref., from a Sydney based Medical company who's been selling his products to the hospital where she works. it all started as basic friendship among a group of nurses and my wife stood out among the lot as being very humorous and funny with jokes. They got on well and coffee after coffee led to lunch then dinner and finally by the OM discovering she likes Opera, he got her a ticket to fly to Sydney to go to the Opera with him. It took her a week to decide to go and finally she told me she had to attend this weekend conference in Sydney (which do take place every now and then), gave me the hotel name where she usually stays and I dropped her at the airport on a Friday morning.. it was meant to have been an honest friendly opera show but the OM had plans that she was not fully aware. Well she admittted that after a couple of glasses of wine or alcohol she's tipsy.. after the opera they went to a club had a few drinks, danced.. all fun kisses on the dance floor then off to his apartment.. one thing led to another.. they made love and it last all weekend.. He told her that everything is going to be Ok, your husband will never get to know this.. this is their secret. it lasted only 5 months... throughout the 5 months they met here in Brisbane, she would go to his hotel for sex... 5 months later he told her that his firm as transferred him for sales work around Perth,WA, a city 6 hours by air from Brisbane and slowly slowly he stopped contacting her.. It was then she realized that she's been coned and used.

she did her best to hide it from me as it would not only destroy her marrriage, her family would have been affected by it being 100% christians, her work run by nuns and with 100% family values (damn good reason to hide with her life)... she's been tortured by that experience rather than how we've been living for the past 20yeras.. at least I'm still around and even if it has not been rosy for both of us she's been Ok with that. I do not know how I feel now.. betrayed, hurt, humiliated and knowing that my wife has been used by someone else, it is hard for me to cope right now. She was 24 going on 25 back then (still in her prime years) the OM was 29 and I'm 10yrs older than her. She got carrried away with his niceness, his crap etc., She's scared that I'd leave her now.. I'm 56yrs now.. where do I go I asked her.. we've survived so far .. we need to work on this one.. I do not know how but I'm prepared to try.. I feel my world has crumbled for real.. at least before I was suspecting ... now the truth is out.. it's more painful... You guys have helped me a lot .. love you all .. even if I'm hurting badly now.. I appreciate it... i feel somehow relieved...

[CarrieT]

I'm proud of you.

[Anoidtoo]

I hope many others on here heed to all your advise and support... You do not know how much you've helped me.. I can finally breath better even if the pain is unsupportable.

thank you.. thank you... thank you.. we have not talked about counseling yet.. don't know how much it's gonna help the way I'm feeling.. she would not hear of me moving out for a while... She's terrified... Please any idea what's best?? thanks

[CarrieT]

A lot will depend on you, obviously. I recommend both IC and couples MC. You have suspected for so long, that maybe it is time to put the past behind you and look at what you want for your future.

 

Other than how you have treated her, how has she treated you all these years? Is there enough love to want to start the healing and move forward together? I think the fact that you waited so long - and let it fester within you - screams for individual therapy, at least...

[ComingInHot]

Anoid;

But now you can feel pain that is Real. I believe all wounds heal w/time And effort. It is up to YOU whether you decide to heal w/or w/out your wife.

 

By the way... your are ONLY in your fifties. Not "old" At all!!

 

Get into IC &MC (at least IC) and begin to heal w/the truth you've been given.

 

Keep us posted!! **

[JustJoe]

Good for You!! BUT.....you will need to be sure that you have gotten ALL of the bad news. We have seen many, many, examples of "trickle truth", here on LS. Even when the BS is absolutely SURE he/she has gotten all of the info, usually a little more digging will bring out more. You only know of this one affair , how do you know there were not others? Considering your age, you might be influenced to believe her, because of your fears of being alone during your older years. Only you know what you can live with. If it were me, I wouldn't trust her at all, she has kept this a secret for 20 years. Where is the love and respect she should have shown you? Your kids are grown, you're still young enough to find a loyal, trustworthy partner. If I were you I would seriously consider divorce, and a new , honest start. Good Luck, which ever you choose.

[turnera]

What you need right now is a REALLY GOOD marriage counselor. One who will help you discuss this out, find the reasons for it, find the solutions for it, and put you two back on a path of caring for each other. It will be worth the money. She's scared - good. Use that and tell her you two WILL be going to MC for as long as you need it. She needs to understand you're willing to leave if she doesn't step up with this.

[Anoidtoo]

Hi guys, Especially Carrie, JustJoe & turnera... I can feel lots of empathy from you guys as well as the rest. I appreciate so much that thank you is not enough.. yes I am hurting so much and it's for real now and I do hope in time this nasty feeling and visuals of my wife doing it with another man and her enjoying it... is killing me..

 

I'm in contact with a very good counselor here in Brisbane and yesterday after work I saw her alone. We talked about it and she was very surprised that I bottled up everything for 20years and straight away she told... you still love her .. this is why you hung around!! I feel so much for my wife... being a Christian, is this my cross that I have to carry.. so be it.. I'm praying even more to our Lord to bless me and give me strength to get over this and move on together with my wife to recreate what we first saw in each other.. but first, I must feel calm, at ease and ready to include her in the counseling discussion otherwise as stated by the counselor, I could explode and make things worst.. I've told my wife about it and she agrees and wants to go along as she wants to do good the horrible wrong she's done me.. By the way, I did ask her if she has not had further intention to cheat or show interest in another man over the past 20yrs that we have not been that close.. She crossed her heart and told me that since the incident that made her very bitter.. she looks at men in a business manner and at the same time somewhat repulsive. without making things worst for her, I said: Darling it takes two to tango.. during a moment of weakness or something you displayed without realizing it's severity, you gave him the idea and provided him the tools to manipulate you to his bed, however, you need to touch base with your senses as above all, you are the one who made the choice and accepted to travel down to Sydney and you cannot tell me you did not see the possible danger, leaving your family and gong off thinking it's OK and nothing could come of it! That said, we changed the topic as it made her feel worst and I did not want to see her in this state.. I've been doing my best to act and stay calm so that she'd relax to prepare herself for the counseling in two weeks time.. I need time to work on myself for it in case other things come up.. I hate to say this, but I cannot help that there might be other possible flirtatious patterns leading to this. In all fairness, flirting is something many women would do without realizing it can lead to all sorts of situations...affairs start from flirting, befriending, building trust etc., For us to rebuild our relationship and move on, I would like to know how pure and honest she could be and not come out saying: oh well you know girls do flirt but it means nothing.... this is not on... at this point in time, it's either strictly business.. no coffee alone with another man or lunch or whatever..

gotta rush for work.. thanks everyone..

[turnera]

Sounds good. Now you need to start doing some reading, in addition to the therapy - and don't let her get out of going! Time to man up about this!

 

Start with His Needs Her Needs - both of you should read it together. VERY very good info in there. I highly recommend you both filling out the Love Buster (first) and Emotional Needs (a few weeks later) questionnaires.

 

Separately, you read No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer (not about sex). They will show you how to man up and lead your family as God (and your wife) wants you to.

 

Read those and report back on what you learned.

[karnak]

She hid the truth from you for almost 20 years.

 

What makes you think she'd be completely honest now?

 

Man: some people cheat. Some people don't.

 

Your wife is the cheating type. Are you really sure it only happened with one man? Why is she still with you?

 

Because she loves you or because the other guy dumped her?

 

You have to be 100% sure about the facts, in order to make a sound decision.

 

Otherwise you'll be cheated again.

[karnak]

I feel so much for my wife... being a Christian, is this my cross that I have to carry.. so be it.. I'm praying even more to our Lord to bless me and give me strength to get over this and move on together with my wife to recreate what we first saw in each other..

 

Please, leave religion out of it. Christ forgave the adulterous woman, sure. He knew how human nature worked. And how we fall prey to lust and desire.

 

But is your wife truly remorseful about what she has done? If she with you because she loves you?

 

Or just because she's "settled"?

[2sunny]

Still - have her take a polygraph - you need all of her truth.

 

He dumped her - were you her second choice - did she feel she settled - are there other affairs?

 

I think you need more info before making a solid decision.

 

She had an affair for FIVE months! That is CALCULATED... She's got so much work to do to repair the damage she caused!

 

You can't BEGIN to heal until you know for sure you know EVERYTHING!

[Just a Guy]

Sorry but this seems like a no brainer to me. Your wife carried her dreadful secret for twenty years or more knowing fully well that had she told you, you might have chosen to leave her and move on with your life especially since you did not have children at the time. I think it has been utterly and dreadfully selfish of her to have done something like this just so that she could have continued to live a life ostensibly normal but intrinsically based on a falsehood. Normally I am against divorce unless there are irrevocable circumstances involved. Here the circumstances are more than just irrevocable. They are based on a history of deceit and selfishness that surpass all norms of decency. You say your wife is a good Christian probably from a Catholic family and her up bringing was conservative to say the least. However she had no compunction in going ahead and sleeping with another man when your marriage was still young and she continued doing so without remorse until the other man dropped her like a hot potato after he had his fill of her. All her distaste for men and cheating stories are just a reaction to her having been dropped by her lover. She was not sorry while she was in the throes of her love affair. If you continue with her remember you will always be her second choice, her fall guy and never occupy first place in her heart regardless of what she may say. Good Christian she is NOT! She is just so not worth it.

[CarrieT]

I just have to say that Karnak is right about leaving religion out of it. I'm *not* a Christian but have seen more indiscretions committed by people who are supposed Christians...

 

What about "do unto others?" OP, as a self-ascribed, "devout" Christian, have you followed this precept with your wife? No, you assumed (rightfully so), but what if you had been wrong? What about the whole Jerry Falwell debacle... Everyone makes mistakes and we here on this board see problems amongst every religion; it makes it non sequitur. People are people and no one is infallible.

 

Just be human and kind to others and move forward as best you can - as a couple or not - as you seem fit. But do so because it is what is best for all involved, not because your religion is dictating such action.

[Anoidtoo]

Guys... I embrace and value your perceptions into my wife's weakness... Firstly, I'd like to put it on immaturity and inexperience. Before we got married I did not believe her to be a virgin even if she told me so.. I just thought you want me to wait until we get married.. so be it I waited and I was pleasantly surprised... Having said that, being a nurse, she's been reading many medical books and for sure came across scripts on intimacy, sex etc., before we got there. I'm not protecting her in any way.. rather than look at it from a broader spectrum.. even after marriage she was still naive, pure and innocent to the tempted world. she's always been such a caring, understanding and full of empathy.. I'd believe that the OM who figured her out, saw her as a very easy target and most probably noticed that she had not much experience being with different guys.... Isn't it normal in today's society that one should have a multiple of lovers before settling down?? I played the field before I met her... who gave me the right to do it just because I'm a male? What right do we have to abuse vulnerable women..I'm not basing this on a Christian point of view rather on a humanitarian level. sure I'm hurt, angry, frustrated, confused and name it... floating around wondering where to anchor myself. I will discover more at the counseling as I've been warned that this counselor is a person that will probe deeper and deeper without asking for my permission. Whoever is the culprit will own up and have to lay every single card on the table and if the counselor feels that there's still hidden agenda it will be forced out of the person. I may be paying a fair bit but I've been told it's worth every dollar and cents. I firmly believe looking at my wife deep in the eyes that she wish she could turn back the clock and fix the problem (we all know this cannot be done)... what makes her sicker is that I stood by her even if I went cold but I never strayed to get equal. When I told her, I made a vow to be there for you, to be with you.. temptation is everywhere.. I remained sincere and she's been the one and only person I'll give my life for. i wish I could put a picture of her on here, even now at 46yrs she's stunning.. always well kept.. we'd exercise together, at 179cm.. size 12, great body, stunning in her own right... always dressed up well.. and as everyone states: hair to kill.. thick long to her bum honey blond hair.. imagine her at 24years old... she was like a goddess... any man would have attempted anything. I was the lucky one.. We're both from French background. Anyway, besides reliving my dreams what i saw in her....

 

I did tell her a lot is to be said and going through at this counseling and to prepare herself there will be a lot of discussion and questioning from this counselor. She's prepared for it no matter what as she keeps telling me there has never been any other person after that OM... According to her, she feels rejected, disgusted and felt she has lost her dignity for good. (this I cannot get back for her but try to treat her with whatever respect I've got left).. to a certain point I get the feeling she wishes I had cheated on her so to be equal...I made that pretty clear it's never going to happen.. and this is what's killing her.

Have a nice day people.. love you all..