My wife prefers to live a lie and suffer in silence

[Anoidtoo]

Hi everyone,

I've just joined this forum as I myself I'm going through a similar issue. My problem started many years ago and at least around 4 years into our marriage. I was too naive to realize that something was not alright. My wife and I have been very close and so in love,we have two lovely children. There was never any arguments between us.. everyone one sees us as a perfect couple. In her line of employment (Medical) she does attend medical conferences around the country and at times overseas but for sure no reason to have to pick anyone at the airport. I did not see or thought of any red flag back then when that day she told me:

 

Tomorrow I need to pick up "someone" at the airport and that same day she had a work function to attend. That night she got back home past 11pm and had a thorough long shower. She usually take her function clothes with her to work and shower there ( clue number 1)!! (And besides that, who would have been that "someone" unless it's someone she's very close to she had to pick up at the airport !)

 

She thought I was fast asleep, I felt a weird pressure in my chest that something was not right. I did not say anything, she came to bed and fell asleep within minutes.. As soon as I noticed she had started snoring and in a deep sleep, I got up and went straight to her handbag and something urged me to check her mini phone book.

 

I went to the toilet and sat there perusing it... aside of all the family members and close friends contacts i was aware of, I came across this man's contact from Sydney with his mobile number, home number and address... I thought well this is not good as we've never hidden anything from each other before.

 

The next day after work, during dinner time we talked and I asked her about that contact.. of course she had her convincing excuses and I never expected her to tell me the truth, I just wanted her to know that I was aware of it. I should have copied down that guy's contact, because the very next day she got rid of it (clue number 2). This was my confirmation that she was up to something.

For unknown reasons, I left things as is and proceed with our family routing ( the beginning of faking happiness). She did not do anything out of the norm to arouse my suspicion thereafter (what I'd like to believe). She would always be home on time from work and never had any excuses that would alert me.

 

Having worked at the same hospital for 18yrs,she attends Medical functions where she gets to meet Reps, both men and women trying to promote their Medical products. She says;often at those Medical functions, Reps would entertain the hospital staff buying them drinks,meals etc., to get into their good books so that they can motivate them to buy their products.

 

My wife is a very attractive woman, she's tall with thick long blond hair and with a great body and was around her early 20's. It is quite obvious one of those male Reps had eyes on her and had worked his way to her heart getting her to see it as just platonic friendship. It might have been that this Rep was popular around the hospital she works at and for unknown reason she had this guy's complete contact in her personal diary. (not an appropriate thing to do as business contacts should be kept in one's work database).

 

At one stage, she came home after work with an expensive perfume (clue 3) she did not bother telling me where she got it from as we both know she couldn't have spent that much money as we had a large mortgage and other bills to pay. It's those little things that keep coming up on my mind.

 

Whether she was aware or not that this guy may have had it in for her, I get the feeling that she may now be living with remorse and regretting why she let herself go and get lured into having out of wedlock sex with a stranger damaging her marriage and relationship that has altered beyond repair.

 

We stayed together firstly because of our two children and secondly because of her Mum & Dad who are strict Christian believers that the first marriage is the ultimate. I was also her first lover (never had sex with another man) and coming from a strict christian background having sex before marriage was a no no.

 

After all those years I'm still hurt, confused, frustrated and bitter. I think she prayed that I never get to know what really happened back then and or that she wouldn't do something like that!! Once one has savoured the forbidden fruit, will always be a cheater.

I was never a jealous, possessive or inquisitive type. I was always humorous and never took anything seriously. She's now created a silent venomous person.

 

This coming December, we'll be celebrating our 25years wedding anniversary and for the past 20 odd years it's been a roller coaster for both of us I'm sure. By not admitting to adultery she's protecting her reputation, her status and her family that she does not want to hurt in case I decide to walk out on her. A decision, I'd say we both subconsciously put up with living a clear "fake married life".

 

The number of times when I've felt pretty good verses those times where I've felt down the drain are limited. We make love and most of the time it's just an action to relieve myself and she's just there as a vessel (feels like I'm doing it to a prostitute)...

 

Sad as it may sound, she initiated this and other times when we have a little disagreement she confesses that she's so scared that I may leave her and she'd have to face her strict family (clue number 4), why would she be worried about me leaving her?). I told her so be it, I have no problem with it and that scares her even more.

 

It's possible that many women are not aware that when a man is being so nice, understanding, showing empathy, sympathy and a good listener, it then leads to ensure calmness, relax, trust building confidence until the right time so she'll agree to sex.

 

It is also possible that there are many women out there that are just as horny as many men craving for sex with other guys and wanting to experience being screwed by another guy.

 

I can believe that my wife may have got carried away under alcohol influence as only two glasses of wine is enough to tip her over. She may have confessed to prying ears how a couple of drinks will easily tip her over and this would have been music to any guy's ear!!

And guys like that will have no problem reassuring targeted women that their secret affair will be very safe with them and no harm done to their marriage.( a disgusted reason for a married woman to be involve herself into).

 

At this point in time, this is all SPECULATION AS SHE HAS NEVER ever ADMITTED TO ANYTHING, something many would do to avoid confrontation and risk losing what's most precious to them not realizing it does not take much for your better half to figure things out.. (one's gut feeling is not to be avoided) and deep down inside knowing that one way or the other the relationship is doomed. My only clues are what I've been observing over the years based on touchy conversations and even nowadays when we hear anecdotes in similar genre whether in person or on TV, I purposely stimulate about how stupid many women are to fall for those type of guys who befriend and work them up to get between their legs and then dump them thereafter.(clue number 5) Her comments and reaction confirm to me that she is living through remorse and hatred for being abused... well this I cannot help.. I've been suffering in silence too.

 

At this point in time, there's no moving on for either of us...our darling children are 23 and 21 now... they are more or less aware of little issues but we do our best to maintain a positive atmosphere around our families, friends and acquaintances (very fake but achievable).

 

The trust has been destroyed for good, the real love I had for her is out the window. No marriage counsellor can ever restore or mend what we had at the beginning of our married life.

 

I firmly believe once any party in a marriage stray, the damage is done and it can never ever be mended 100%.. It is like a deep wound, it heals but the scarred tissue will always be visible and there to remind one how painful it was.

 

How we chose to deal with it is up to each individual. I show her gratitude for being a good mother, I show her affection (not love) in a weird way but not as intense and well meant as I used too and sadly, I have sex with her to fulfil my need.

 

Whether she enjoys it or not, I wouldn't have a clue as I've lost the urge to explore and please her as I used to do. For every time I see her naked, I visualize the other guy on top of her.. it puts me off completely!!

 

Is it right to have lived life this way, is it right to believe she may have cheated and never will admit(clue number 6) she keeps quiet and avoid confrontation...... the confusion is that I've got so used to it, I do not know how to gauge real happiness or fake happiness because when we are among families, friends and acquaintances everything seems to be alright, however, I've noticed how she'd stared at me when I'm around other women being humorous and laughing (something we used to do together, of which has declined rapidly), she appears lost and hurt but never says anything (clue number 7). Is she dealing with her guilt?

 

I've learrned to adjust and cope with my present lifestyle. It has not been easy.... everyday comes and goes with no expectation.

 

Maybe if she had been honest enough in the first place to tell me the truth I may have dealt with the blow then figure out what would be best for our children in a calm humanitarian way. Maybe she kept lying so she'd protect her children and her marriage.

 

it is still my right to know and no one deserves to be treated this way especially from a woman who thinks she can lie to her man and believing that I'd never figure it out. Two can play at this game... I prefer to play my game the way I've been treating her for the past 20years and I'm sure she feels the difference.

 

 

The intense love i had for her her once is now tarnished forever.. this is why every now and then I relive and visualize this but now I tell myself that I'm the most important person here.. I'm above her and she's really not that important anymore rather good enough for my needs.

 

The option was to: sell and move our separate ways, she panics and would not hear of it. We have a large mortgage and she's OK with paying most bills, so be it.

 

Makes one wonders, how many more people like me in this universe are living like I do and getting on with it!!!!! Peace be with you all...

[CarrieT]

As you said, this is all speculation - and crucifying her without proof is pretty sad.

 

You should install a key-logger for her computer or hire a private investigator to get confirmation.

 

Acting on suspicion alone will chew you up and is not healthy for either of you.

[Anoidtoo]

Hi CarrieT,

She's a very smart person and 20 years ago there was no key-logger for cell phone and to be honest I'm not sure if she's still seeing him. All I can feel, see is that she's so bitter towards any form of discussion in regards to men using women for sex. I do not see this as a problem for her but because she reacts as if she's emotional about it makes me wonder if she's not been mislead by this guys, had sex then this guy left her!!!

[Anoidtoo]

I've given her the option to leave... the door is never locked.. why did she destroy the contact I saw and challenged her about straight away? Why didn't she clearly tell me who she was picking up at the airport and one thing I did not mention, during that period, she'd always talk of that particular good male friend of hers!!!! coming from a committed family, her family told her on our wedding day.. your friends are his friends and to me, my friends are her friends.. Why did she withhold this one particular male friend against me? and if she's been innocent, why didn't she walk away? what's stopping her?

[Anoidtoo]

Hi Carrie,

My wife never uses the home base computer.. She's now got an iphone4 which I've secretly scanned.. I discovered a couple of numbers that she deleted and when I called those numbers, they've been disconnected. all this took place after the incident.. we've spoken for many years and her responses keeps changing as time goes by.I'm not treating as an animal, I'm just cold inside and even if I've tried to make things work out.. something is pulling me back... obviously we both still care for each other, this is why we are still together but the intense love is not there..

[CarrieT]

She's now created a silent venomous person.

You know, this is the sad part...

 

She didn't create this in you. YOU created it by not dealing with it when it happened and by festering on it for all these years.

 

Why doesn't she leave? Who knows. Why don't you?

[Anoidtoo]

you are so right, I should have confronted her right there and then. However, back then we were so in love and to an extent I did not completely believe or want to believe she would do this to me but as time goes by.. during certain conversations she'd say: people can change, I've changed. For someone coming from a strict Christian family and suddenly a big change in her attitude.. suddenly opened up my mind to see things.

but honestly, how would you have felt your partner getting rid of a whole contact details, land phone number, mobile, street address of his home in sydney and clearly coming to my mind.. I remember dropping her at the airport once alone going to Sydney for the weekend to attend work conference!!! Friday to Sunday!!!! i know it's too late to dwell on it.. I'd love closure too somehow.. there's a lot more I prefer not to write on here of why I'm suspecting of infidelity..

[Anoidtoo]

Hi Ladygrey,

I did suggest we both go to counselling a few years ago when I was at a peak and could not cope. She declined and refused to go...again I said so be it.. let's carry one the way we are and see what happens... am I being wrong to have said that? I have not written everything we've both been through,. it will be way too long..and maybe I should have explained in a different way..

[CarrieT]

I'd love closure too somehow..

Counseling or confrontation. Those are your two choices.

 

You can either go to counseling to deal with these fears once and for all, or insist your wife take a polygraph to finally get the answers who need for closure.

 

Otherwise you are going to give yourself an ulcer with it eating away at you.

[Anoidtoo]

I have been contemplating walking out on her, however, when I look at my children doing so well and happy still living at home with us, I decided to stick it out. Please do not misread that I'm treating my wife badly.. we are OK but coming on here I'm trying to see if I can get some advice without mediating through a counselor or Polygraph because she refused to do any.. According to her we can work it out ourselves but when I start the conversation she always turn it around and blame me for abstract things...!!! if I walk out now she'd be on the street in no time. she won't be able to pay the mortgage, I care too much about her parents (89 and 96)... for sure one of them will have a heart problem... I've been trying my best to put things behind my back (as you stated, no proof, no results).... it's other little things she's been doing that triggers my suspicion. I'm somewhat an emotional guy too and never intended to hurt anyone..Our sex life is not that bad and I do not vent every other day to make her life a misery.. I do my best to hold peace around the family home.. it's only me that endures all the torture as I find it hard to believe someone may have used my wife.. it's damn hard..

[Anoidtoo]

Too true Carrie.

I have already done damage to myself.. due to my nerves and anxiety, I've brought about Type 2 diabetes in myself. I'm a fit person, gym slim, eat well exercise well but my blood sugar is a bit high due to my nervous reaction and anxiety..

[2sunny]

I've given her the option to leave... the door is never locked.. why did she destroy the contact I saw and challenged her about straight away? Why didn't she clearly tell me who she was picking up at the airport and one thing I did not mention, during that period, she'd always talk of that particular good male friend of hers!!!! coming from a committed family, her family told her on our wedding day.. your friends are his friends and to me, my friends are her friends.. Why did she withhold this one particular male friend against me? and if she's been innocent, why didn't she walk away? what's stopping her?

 

Why don't you just ask her now? Have her take a polygraph!

 

The marriage you describe isn't a living marriage - it sounds to me like sheer hell...

 

There's nothing fundamentally healthy about all the lies and pretending you two do together!

 

And yes, YOU are to blame for silently going along with that crappy so called marriage!

 

Get a divorce - she's never gonna tell you what really happened... But in the meantime you lost track of yourself and anything good that COULD have come from being with her.

 

It was over a long time ago.

[2sunny]

I have been contemplating walking out on her, however, when I look at my children doing so well and happy still living at home with us, I decided to stick it out. Please do not misread that I'm treating my wife badly.. we are OK but coming on here I'm trying to see if I can get some advice without mediating through a counselor or Polygraph because she refused to do any.. According to her we can work it out ourselves but when I start the conversation she always turn it around and blame me for abstract things...!!! if I walk out now she'd be on the street in no time. she won't be able to pay the mortgage, I care too much about her parents (89 and 96)... for sure one of them will have a heart problem... I've been trying my best to put things behind my back (as you stated, no proof, no results).... it's other little things she's been doing that triggers my suspicion. I'm somewhat an emotional guy too and never intended to hurt anyone..Our sex life is not that bad and I do not vent every other day to make her life a misery.. I do my best to hold peace around the family home.. it's only me that endures all the torture as I find it hard to believe someone may have used my wife.. it's damn hard..

 

She won't be on the street. Stop being overly dramatic.

 

And your adult kids will be fine - they should be ready to live on their own at this age anyway!

 

And SOMEONE didn't USE your wife - if it happened - she allowed it by inviting someone in!

[KraftDinner]

Oh my god.

 

What the hell is wrong with you?

 

ASK. HER.

 

Don't you see how you've built up an entire world in your mind? One where stupid women are used by men and don't realize it? Where people are obsessed with something that MAY or MAY NOT have happened 20 years ago?

 

Where it makes perfect sense to ask oblique questions about 'hypothetical' scenarios but where you can't straight up ask your spouse a simple question?

 

I mean this with all due respect, I really do...but your reasoning sounds crazy. You sound emotional and illogical.

 

Dude. I feel bad for your wife, I really do.

[Mount]

Honestly, if I have such coward husband, I would also do anything that I want, coz he has no backbone, no boundary either.

[heartinlove]

Wow. Im amazed you could go 20 YEARS conjuring up all these what ifs in your head.

 

Stand up for yourself and demand she addresses and resolves this with you one way or another as its clearly eating away your soul or find some inner courage and leave already.

[Anoidtoo]

I've been sleeping n this for the past week or so.. maybe this is what I need to even if a few people will get hurt in the process.thank you

[Anoidtoo]

thank you guys... you do not know how much inspiration you've given me right now.. I've endure a lot and yes it's all my fault for letting it happen... I honestly do not give a hoot if she ****s someone else.. she'll deal with it.. I'm anoid at her lying on and on about when I have little proof that leads to her being unfaithful... I did not explain everything on here..

[2sunny]

You've already hurt many people by staying and not speaking up. Not making changes to get honest with her, not GROWING a M based on trust, truth and respect.

 

You shown your kids that M squishes two people and isn't happy.

 

That's not healthy for them!

[Anoidtoo]

Nothing to do with being coward... I care for my family and have tried ample time to give her good reason to sum up.. it is obvious she is stronger than I am.. as it takes courage to cheat on your partner at such an early time in the marriage when we had no issues what-so-ever!!!! I'm stuck back there wondering where did i go wrong!!! Too late now..

[2sunny]

thank you guys... you do not know how much inspiration you've given me right now.. I've endure a lot and yes it's all my fault for letting it happen... I honestly do not give a hoot if she ****s someone else.. she'll deal with it.. I'm anoid at her lying on and on about when I have little proof that leads to her being unfaithful... I did not explain everything on here..

 

If you cared - YOU'D demand a polygraph.

 

But I think you stopped caring a long time ago - and that's no marriage.

[2sunny]

Nothing to do with being coward... I care for my family and have tried ample time to give her good reason to sum up.. it is obvious she is stronger than I am.. as it takes courage to cheat on your partner at such an early time in the marriage when we had no issues what-so-ever!!!! I'm stuck back there wondering where did i go wrong!!! Too late now..

 

Cheating isn't courageous! It's being a huge coward!

 

If she didn't like the M - courage would have been ending it!

[Anoidtoo]

Thank you for all the help guys.. once she gets home from work this evening.. the ard will be on the table. polygraph or no polygraph it's done. we've both been through a lot .. time I move on. Honestly I've been packing my belonging into one area of the house since a couple of weeks ago.. this is it.. I'm starting to feel somehow better already.. Thank you, you all wonderful people..

[Tara247]

Anoidtoo, you just posted on another thread asking whether you are handling your suspicion of your wife's cheating fairly or not. NO you're not. Find out if it actually happen then be man enough to divorce her if you cannot get over it. If she did in fact cheat, see if she will go to counseling. However, this passive-aggressive revenge grudge-holding behavior of yours isn't right and it's a very immature way to handle things.

[Tara247]

Thank you for all the help guys.. once she gets home from work this evening.. the ard will be on the table. polygraph or no polygraph it's done. we've both been through a lot .. time I move on. Honestly I've been packing my belonging into one area of the house since a couple of weeks ago.. this is it.. I'm starting to feel somehow better already.. Thank you, you all wonderful people..

 

And what do you mean, "it's done"? Aren't you actually going to find out whether she really cheated or not?? I find your actions and thought processes immature and sickening, really.