Months of moving on, struggling more than before

[mgce]

I guess it's my turn to take off my advice-giver hat and put on my advice-seeker hat.

 

I feel like I'm at a low point in life right now, and it scares me that I'm struggling so much after all the bad stuff is so solidly behind me.

 

90% of my struggle is coping with the loss of my ex-girlfriend. The super-condensed story: we dated 3 years, she loved me dearly, I broke up with her a year ago and broke her heart hard (I thought we both needed to grow more before a viable relationship was possible). I'm a good and respectful person and, in spite of her heartbreak, I think she recognized that. 9 months ago she reached out to me with an extremely sweet, hand-crafted Christmas card. This started a multi-month period of horribly painful contact; we got along great, I tried to reconcile, she shot me down hard, we talked/met a few more times, she alternated between reaching out to me / opening up / being warm and being extremely cold and clearly pushing me away. She was clearly confused on whether we should be in touch or not (she stated so explicitly multiple times). The final cycle happened 5 months ago, when out of the blue she reached out to me, opened up and shared her thoughts and feelings, and expressed a strong interest in meeting up. We met for coffee, had what I thought was a good and respectful conversation, then three days later she unfriended me from FB and asked me not to contact her again. I obliged.

 

So it's been 5 months of 100% NC, and I really, really miss my old friend / girlfriend. I know it's over, I know not to have hope, I know all the positive affirmations and ways to move on (and have lived life / bonded with friends / been active, etc). I know I need to look after me now and continue shifting the focus away from her. I know this takes time and I don't beat myself up for not being recovered yet.

 

But I feel more lonely than ever right now. I have plenty of friends, I have frequent opportunities to meet people, but I feel more keenly than ever how hard it is to meet someone you *truly* click with. Every time I meet someone new and don't click with them, a wave of loneliness hits me. Every time I see friends, then part ways for our mutual homes (for them, usually to a spouse; I'm 34 and my peers are now mostly settled couples), another wave hits me. I feel like, after these 5 months, I'm getting more used to what my new, post-ex life is turning into. And it's scaring me, because I don't like much of it and I'm worried I'm going to be a less happy, less inspired, less confident person who won't thrive again until/unless I find someone else who clicks in however many years that might take.

 

There's more. A few months ago I met another wonderful girl who's the only one I've clicked with on par with my ex, and for a while I thought it might turn into something important. But that suddenly ground to a halt about a month ago. Over the same period, I finally decided to disconnect from one of my longest and closest friends who, in spite of all we had together, was a negative and harmful influence on me (he's also friends with my ex and seemed to support her over me, which alone was enough reason to cut him out). So I feel I've lost three really important people in my life over the past few months, and I'm very much feeling knocked down hard by it.

 

I think I'll be okay as long as I can continue finding inspiration in life, but even that's feeling (really) sapped right now, and that's what has me most worried. I just don't know how to be at peace with this terrible reality I tried so long and so hard to avoid. I kept the high road the entire time (even when it was enormously difficult) and feel like I still ended up with the worst possible outcome. I have great trouble seeing the end beyond this.

[River Rain]

Here's a **hug**...

 

Well, you already know every piece of advice that will be given. Sometimes when it rains it really pours. I've mentioned this before, I had to deal with the breakup, a dog on the brink of death, waiting for a skin cancer biopsy and being financially drained by car and vet bills...all in the same week. I felt like I was being tested or something!

 

But it's during these times when we really find out how strong we are. Just take each day as it comes and try your best to remember what you're grateful for.

 

Don't ever give up on love. It's so challenging to find, but it's always worth the hope and risk.

[Sarahbee]

It sucks what you're going through and all of us here know how hard it is to recover from a breakup, even when you initiated it. And it's also really hard when you date new people and come away feeling disappointed. That's just the way it is I'm afraid, but you can't give up or give in to despair - don't let this defeat you!

 

The fact that you met someone else who you clicked with, even though it ground to a halt, is proof in itself that there are other people out there that you can connect with. There are lots, you just have to be patient and have faith that the right person will come into your life at the right time.

 

Right now you're still damaged and wounded from the loss of your friend, the new woman you connected with, and of course the reality that you won't be getting back together with your ex. That's a lot of stuff to deal with, so think about what you would tell your best friend, or one of us on here. I think you'd tell them to go easy on themselves, nurture themselves, and try not to project too much into the future. The future will take care of itself, believe me, and you will definitely get through this. You're doing all the right things and you have a good and insightful attitude. Sometimes we can know things intellectually but our hearts can take what seems like forever to catch on and let go. But it will happen. Just try and live in the moment and just be.

 

I'm sorry for your pain, but try and see it as an opportunity for growth - it's always telling us something if we choose to listen. Take care of yourself :-)

[Tree_Salmon]

I guess it's my turn to take off my advice-giver hat and put on my advice-seeker hat.

 

I feel like I'm at a low point in life right now, and it scares me that I'm struggling so much after all the bad stuff is so solidly behind me.

 

90% of my struggle is coping with the loss of my ex-girlfriend. The super-condensed story: we dated 3 years, she loved me dearly, I broke up with her a year ago and broke her heart hard (I thought we both needed to grow more before a viable relationship was possible). I'm a good and respectful person and, in spite of her heartbreak, I think she recognized that. 9 months ago she reached out to me with an extremely sweet, hand-crafted Christmas card. This started a multi-month period of horribly painful contact; we got along great, I tried to reconcile, she shot me down hard, we talked/met a few more times, she alternated between reaching out to me / opening up / being warm and being extremely cold and clearly pushing me away. She was clearly confused on whether we should be in touch or not (she stated so explicitly multiple times). The final cycle happened 5 months ago, when out of the blue she reached out to me, opened up and shared her thoughts and feelings, and expressed a strong interest in meeting up. We met for coffee, had what I thought was a good and respectful conversation, then three days later she unfriended me from FB and asked me not to contact her again. I obliged.

 

So it's been 5 months of 100% NC, and I really, really miss my old friend / girlfriend. I know it's over, I know not to have hope, I know all the positive affirmations and ways to move on (and have lived life / bonded with friends / been active, etc). I know I need to look after me now and continue shifting the focus away from her. I know this takes time and I don't beat myself up for not being recovered yet.

 

But I feel more lonely than ever right now. I have plenty of friends, I have frequent opportunities to meet people, but I feel more keenly than ever how hard it is to meet someone you *truly* click with. Every time I meet someone new and don't click with them, a wave of loneliness hits me. Every time I see friends, then part ways for our mutual homes (for them, usually to a spouse; I'm 34 and my peers are now mostly settled couples), another wave hits me. I feel like, after these 5 months, I'm getting more used to what my new, post-ex life is turning into. And it's scaring me, because I don't like much of it and I'm worried I'm going to be a less happy, less inspired, less confident person who won't thrive again until/unless I find someone else who clicks in however many years that might take.

 

There's more. A few months ago I met another wonderful girl who's the only one I've clicked with on par with my ex, and for a while I thought it might turn into something important. But that suddenly ground to a halt about a month ago. Over the same period, I finally decided to disconnect from one of my longest and closest friends who, in spite of all we had together, was a negative and harmful influence on me (he's also friends with my ex and seemed to support her over me, which alone was enough reason to cut him out). So I feel I've lost three really important people in my life over the past few months, and I'm very much feeling knocked down hard by it.

 

I think I'll be okay as long as I can continue finding inspiration in life, but even that's feeling (really) sapped right now, and that's what has me most worried. I just don't know how to be at peace with this terrible reality I tried so long and so hard to avoid. I kept the high road the entire time (even when it was enormously difficult) and feel like I still ended up with the worst possible outcome. I have great trouble seeing the end beyond this.

 

Man, you are completely repeating my life story right now.

 

I feel this way to a T.

My story is very very similar and I am currently in the same emotional space as you.

 

People will tell you that things will get better and you will eventually find that new person but its so hard to take that advice when you have lost your inspiration/best friend/lover.

 

All I can say is keep doing whatever it is you have to do to keep yourself moving forward.

 

I'm hoping that time will heal this. So i'm right there with you.

Yes, all your friends are moving in that direction but chances are their lives aren't perfect and there's no point to rush anything.

I know how hard it is to think this way but we have to do it.

[mgce]

Thank you everyone (and thank you for the hug, River Rain!).

 

I agree with everything you've all said, and my heart goes out to the pain you've felt too. I know our only choice is to keep faith and move on. And, in spite of everything, I still have no intention to give up on love.

 

It *was* great that I met the new woman, and had the opportunity to share some times and experiences with her that I'll always remember with great fondness. I'm so thankful for that. But I also remember how much I had to put myself out there to have the luck to meet her, and I don't feel like I have the energy to keep that momentum up now. It's that sense of being tired that worries me a bit.

 

I'm rooting for all you guys, too.

[Exit]

Just sounds to me like you make a relationship way too much of a priority in your life. I used to do that. No matter how much else was going right for me, as you said, you leave your friends and go home at the end of the day and end up feeling a sadness. It shouldn't be that way. At least you have a social life and people who care about you. Some of us don't even have that. You shouldn't feel so lonely.

 

Also, connecting with someone needs to be such a rarity otherwise it wouldn't be special in the first place. You were with someone for 3 years, plus some rollercoaster moments of being back in contact, why expect to just have another one land in your lap right now? It very well might take a while. Relationships would be meaningless if it were that easy to find someone great.

 

That's just my opinion, you're making a relationship way too important. Your life shouldn't feel empty just because that one piece is missing. My life was miserable when I used to have that mindset, when I always felt so down unless I knew I had the love of a woman. It led to being a serial monogamist, almost always being in a relationship, dating people I really didn't need to be with by convincing myself there was a spark there when there really wasn't, etc. Sometime early this month will be 1 full year since I got dumped. I haven't even tried to date since. There have been plenty of lonely moments, but in a way I almost feel free that I have learned to not feel so empty all the time just because I don't have a girlfriend right now.

 

There is a bright side to being single, you just need to learn to see it.

[Tree_Salmon]

Just sounds to me like you make a relationship way too much of a priority in your life. I used to do that. No matter how much else was going right for me, as you said, you leave your friends and go home at the end of the day and end up feeling a sadness. It shouldn't be that way. At least you have a social life and people who care about you. Some of us don't even have that. You shouldn't feel so lonely.

 

Also, connecting with someone needs to be such a rarity otherwise it wouldn't be special in the first place. You were with someone for 3 years, plus some rollercoaster moments of being back in contact, why expect to just have another one land in your lap right now? It very well might take a while. Relationships would be meaningless if it were that easy to find someone great.

 

That's just my opinion, you're making a relationship way too important. Your life shouldn't feel empty just because that one piece is missing. My life was miserable when I used to have that mindset, when I always felt so down unless I knew I had the love of a woman. It led to being a serial monogamist, almost always being in a relationship, dating people I really didn't need to be with by convincing myself there was a spark there when there really wasn't, etc. Sometime early this month will be 1 full year since I got dumped. I haven't even tried to date since. There have been plenty of lonely moments, but in a way I almost feel free that I have learned to not feel so empty all the time just because I don't have a girlfriend right now.

 

There is a bright side to being single, you just need to learn to see it.

 

I do see your point and I agree. I was never like this in my previous relationships.

 

I had no problem being alone and in many ways still dont. I just miss the connection and the promise of a future/family/etc.

 

I think that's what the OP is also feeling. This new "emptiness" is very familiar to me.

 

It's like my inspiration went with her.

But i guess it's not going to come back if I just give up. I have learned that if you force yourself to feel a certain way long enough, it actually becomes normal after a while.

[mgce]

I'm trying very hard *not* to make a relationship a priority. I know investing in a relationship out of fear of being alone is a recipe for disaster and dissatisfaction. It's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. It just feels hard sometimes.

 

You still have old habits, you know? You're out somewhere and see something that sparks something in your mind and immediately want to send a text to that special person to share it with, to feel connected with in life in that small way. That's something you remember as very pleasant, and that you could do without a second thought. And feel alive from it. But now it's completely inaccessible to you, and after realizing you have that urge, you realize you have no outlet for it, and you have to just let the moment go.

 

Loving friends and family (and pets!) of course help, extraordinarily. But they have their own lives and their own inner worlds, and they won't and can't be as accessible as your ex was. When they're there, it's great. But when they're not...there's no one. And realizing you're probably going to continue having many more of these moments of isolation, and finding connection is more luck of the draw than having that person reliably there, is a lot to have to have to stand up to.

 

The challenge, of course, is to learn how to tap into your inner strength and love of self, which is always with you. A relationship *won't* make up for that. You're right. But...easier said than done.

 

I just miss her.

[Tree_Salmon]

I'm trying very hard *not* to make a relationship a priority. I know investing in a relationship out of fear of being alone is a recipe for disaster and dissatisfaction. It's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. It just feels hard sometimes.

 

You still have old habits, you know? You're out somewhere and see something that sparks something in your mind and immediately want to send a text to that special person to share it with, to feel connected with in life in that small way. That's something you remember as very pleasant, and that you could do without a second thought. And feel alive from it. But now it's completely inaccessible to you, and after realizing you have that urge, you realize you have no outlet for it, and you have to just let the moment go.

 

Loving friends and family (and pets!) of course help, extraordinarily. But they have their own lives and their own inner worlds, and they won't and can't be as accessible as your ex was. When they're there, it's great. But when they're not...there's no one. And realizing you're probably going to continue having many more of these moments of isolation, and finding connection is more luck of the draw than having that person reliably there, is a lot to have to have to stand up to.

 

The challenge, of course, is to learn how to tap into your inner strength and love of self, which is always with you. A relationship *won't* make up for that. You're right. But...easier said than done.

 

I just miss her.

 

Man you are speaking straight from my brain.

 

I'm assuming that after a while we will get that sense of self back.

I'm fairly unstoppable when im in that stage. I think you'll be fine too.

 

sounds like you're learning allot.

we have to believe it gets way better