whispering_willoww Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 I have been seeing this guy for several months now about a year and 2 months ago he moved to GA. in that transition he told me he loves me and wanted me to come down there with him. I told him I would think about it and then i decided to go. Went down there several times, had some interviews, things were fine for a while. Well he made a stupid financial choice to take over the lease on a friends car. can't go back on it cause he works for the guy. i was upset about that and then i didn't get the job. well now he is saying he has gotten cold feet and he doesn't know if he loves me. He says he cares about me a lot but he is not sure if he knows what love is. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else. He looked me dead in my face and told me that he loves me so much. I am all that matters to him etc. and now just about 1 1/2 weeks later he doesn't know anymore. This guy he works for is very influential and every since he took this car over it's been hell. now the guy is talking about leaving his wife and moving into a townhouse and my boyfriend thinks he will be able to move there too. I am so frustrated and heartbroken right now. My boss knows i was going to leave and has hired my replacement already and now i have no where to go and noone who is there for me. I feel so alone. it is so hard to open yourself to someone anyway especially with so many past heartbreaks and now here's another one for the list. he told me so many times he loved me and his eyes didn't lie, so why the change? Someone please help me I feel like i'm losing it here. he told me that when he had a chance to think about it he saw how serious our relationship had gotten. I was leaving everything to be with him. he says he cares about me and is just trying to figure out what he wants. he is torn between this. i have found that if he is out of his surroundings he can become easily influenced and i really feel that the guy he works for is using him but he is so caught up in that right now that he can't see straight. I honestly don't feel that there is anyone else however i do feel this guy leaving his wife, he has more than likely talked with my boyfriend and told him what a drag married life can be. i look at it and i think that he is seeing how unhappy this guy is and it's scaring the you know what out of him. i just had a phone call wanting to set up an interview and now i want to call him and tell him that i will be coming down and maybe we could talk then. i just don't know......I hope to God we don't break up but I just don't know if I should hang in there or give up.
uriel Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 If your guy is really this easily influenced, then he's not ready for a serious relationship that might lead to marriage. You'd be unwise to give up your life in NC to move to GA for him right now. You shouldn't do that until he's certain (and steady in his certainty) about the two of you building a life together. And, if you're serious enough to move down there for him, why wouldn't the two of you be living together? That doesn't quite make sense. Remember, he's also developed cold feet now after he's expected to mean the love words he's been saying. Easy to say the words and mean them in the having fun together enjoying the sex and companionship sense -- hard to mean them when it comes to the buckling down to engagement and marriage sense. That's what he means when he says that if you move for him, things will get so serious. He's not sure he wants that with you -- or with any woman right now (although it's particularly insulting given how far he's gone with you and how much he knows you've already sacrificed to move down there -- money and a job). Frankly, I don't think he'd allow himself to be influenced if he wasn't wanting an out. It's not just that his boss has filled his head with bad thoughts about marriage (which he no doubt has), but he's also fixing to live in a bachelor pad, one where he can hang out with the guys and entertain the ladies. Think about it. Your guy is thinking he'll miss out on this by settling down, effectively, with you. My advice is to start looking for a job in NC and expect to continue living there. That is, unless you want to end up living in GA in the same town with the guy who wouldn't commit to you and no friends, family, etc. of your own for support. Should you go down to GA and see him in person? Yes -- I think so. But it should be a make or break discussion. Either he effectively gives you a promise ring and seals the future deal or it's over. -- uriel
Author whispering_willoww Posted August 3, 2004 Author Posted August 3, 2004 Thank you so much for your response. Because of this situation I have allowed myself to be open to other things. I have several good job opportunities coming from down there, not in the same town but in that state. I do have friends and some family there so over the time of this happening I have built up a support network. I will probably be going down there in the next week or two to get myself straight as in finding a place to stay and going on interviews. It's hard that this has happened and I have been miserable about it to an extent. I do know when it comes to commitment so men do get scared and start questioning they fear that they won't be able to enjoy certain things if they are 'tied down'. In the beginning he was the main reason I was going to go, but my career opportunities in that are are limitless. I can go far there with or without him though I really do hate to see this relationship end, I am afraid it is something I have to face. My thing is I really don't believe in living together anyway, the fact that I was going to do it scared me, so now that I have had a chance to think and reflect, it will work out better this way. All of this has happened in the last several days so at first it was shock, sadness, heartbreak anger and now acceptance. I will move on past this, will i see him again, probably when i go down there as you said to be a make or break thing. We will have to see. i am an adult and really do not want to be foolish about a relationship though matters of the heart are tough.
uriel Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 Sounds sensible to me. I'm glad you have more going on down there than your first post suggested. Hope you get a great job, nice place, and start a better life -- one that this guy will feel bad about having missed if he doesn't get on board. -- uriel
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