Els Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 Not going to comment on the family issues. Being Asian, I completely understand the obligation he has to support his family. Most traditional Asians consider it the children's responsibility to financially support the parents once they have a stable job, just as it is the parents' obligation to put the children through college. I also understand the 'housemates okay but bringing partners home not okay' bit. Chances are the parents are not imagining that they'll be having sex with their housemate, and what they don't know can't hurt them. That being said, you need to think about the 'what if's if you are going to do this. I know you feel you're in love, but most couples don't get to the end of honeymoon phase til 6 months - 2 years in. You need to consider the very real possibility that it MIGHT go south, before your lease is over. What will you do then? Can you extricate yourself easily or will this set you back greatly in life, finances, and family relations? If your answer to all of the above is yes, the arrangement is easily reversible, then I'll be the devil's advocate and say 'go for it'. I grew up with ultra-conservative parents and I totally understand the complete lack of privacy you'll have while living at home. As you both can't afford your own apartments, the only options you two seem to have to be able to spend private time together is: 1) Both move out to other houses with other housemates and go over to each other's place, and 2) Move in together. I don't see why the 2nd option is much worse than the 1st.
SmileFace Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 I am sorry but without even taking your situation into consideration. Unless you both plan to get married - your first move out of you parents house should not be with someone else, house mates will be a different situation. You both have this idea but wouldn't he end up paying most of the share of the expense if you both move together. Plus you live in the city, are you planning to relocate? What happens if this doesn't work out - you return your parent's house? Will they allow that - you already are going against them by moving out into a relationship that is marriage? What happens to him if this doesn't work out. Since he makes more than you and obviously would hold down house - he ends up stuck with his home obligations and this extra lease. This idea doesn't even seem like a possibilty unless it is leading to marriage because you both will have a hard ass time returning home if it doesn't work out. I know people should plan for things not to work out but how long do guys plan to play house until it becomes the real deal?
Ruby Slippers Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 If we really move in together he has to cut off a lot. Like I said the conundrum isn't that he can't be independent, he has a stable job. Its the fact he feels obligated to help his familyout with bills. I have a friend from Thailand who sends his parents money regularly - but he earns enough that he owns his own home in the US and is totally independent. He supports himself well, and still helps out his family. There's no way I'd move in with someone who is not currently able to support himself independently (on top of any other financial commitments, such as the one to his parents). It wouldn't even make sense to be roommates with someone in this position, much less a cohabitating girlfriend.
SmileFace Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 Someone offered that one of you get your own place so you guys can have a feel of what it is like to be together alone - since that has not happened. How about trying that. However he can't afford thatt since he has his obligations and it doesn't like you can afford your own way. So you are living on the idea of him supporting this whole idea?
Author xpaperxcutx Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 Not going to comment on the family issues. Being Asian, I completely understand the obligation he has to support his family. Most traditional Asians consider it the children's responsibility to financially support the parents once they have a stable job, just as it is the parents' obligation to put the children through college. I also understand the 'housemates okay but bringing partners home not okay' bit. Chances are the parents are not imagining that they'll be having sex with their housemate, and what they don't know can't hurt them. That being said, you need to think about the 'what if's if you are going to do this. I know you feel you're in love, but most couples don't get to the end of honeymoon phase til 6 months - 2 years in. You need to consider the very real possibility that it MIGHT go south, before your lease is over. What will you do then? Can you extricate yourself easily or will this set you back greatly in life, finances, and family relations? If your answer to all of the above is yes, the arrangement is easily reversible, then I'll be the devil's advocate and say 'go for it'. I grew up with ultra-conservative parents and I totally understand the complete lack of privacy you'll have while living at home. As you both can't afford your own apartments, the only options you two seem to have to be able to spend private time together is: 1) Both move out to other houses with other housemates and go over to each other's place, and 2) Move in together. I don't see why the 2nd option is much worse than the 1st. The bolded. We're not moving in because we wish to get married, we're doing it as a means of saving money ( mostly for him). The thing is he is already spending about the same amount as it costs for rent- his gas money and the money he spends on us. The key word here is " if". If he chooses to leave his family and move out on his own ( and he has every right to do so), his family can choose to move into a smaller house (the current house they live in has around 4 rooms) and that would cut the expenses down so his half of the rent would no longer be needed. I have my own savings ( from when I used to work) and I would need to look into getting a part time job. Like I said it's all speculations, one that I'm not jumping into lightly.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 I am sorry but without even taking your situation into consideration. Unless you both plan to get married - your first move out of you parents house should not be with someone else, house mates will be a different situation.] I have lived on my own before. The reason I moved back home was because I decided to go back to school fulltime. You both have this idea but wouldn't he end up paying most of the share of the expense if you both move together. Plus you live in the city, are you planning to relocate? I live in NYC, but in the outer boroughs. And i'm relatively close to my school. If I needed to relocate I have to take school into consideration. Most likely I will find a place with my school's vicinity. What happens if this doesn't work out - you return your parent's house? Will they allow that - you already are going against them by moving out into a relationship that is marriage? Yeah. My parent's have a say when it comes to their place. My mother already made it a point, that as long I live under her house, I have to live by her rules. Hence why I never bring people back to our place. Now if I was living on my own or outside, that would be a completely different story. And no, us living together does not mean it'd be a marriage. What happens to him if this doesn't work out. Since he makes more than you and obviously would hold down house - he ends up stuck with his home obligations and this extra lease. He has always had the option of moving out, he refuses to do because only his bro-in - law is the other provider. Somareone offered that one of you get your own place so you guys can have a feel of what it is like to be together alone - since that has not happened. How about trying that. However he can't afford thatt since he has his obligations and it doesn't like you can afford your own way. So you are living on the idea of him supporting this whole idea? And we will take this into consideration. Like i said if we're to move in together it's mostly for the sake of convenience and having a place of our own.
Drseussgrrl Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 Having lived with someone for 3 out of the 4 years that we were together, 3 of them with no ring, and then having the engagement fall through I'd say absolutely not. We also moved in because I was over there all the time anyway and it made more sense financially. Girl if you can't take care of yourself then don't do it. When I moved out (it was seriously like a divorce) I was left with nothing because he had bought everything during our relationship. Cohabiting does NOT offer you protection if things go south. You'll essentially build an entire life with this person just to have it potentially ripped away and you have no leg to stand on, left with a broken heart and having to start all over. I would also caution you about the situation with his family. You could very well grow to resent the fact that he pays so much of his money to make up for his father's shortcomings. I can almost promise you that when you see the ways it holds him back, you will become very angry and impatient because ultimately, it impacts YOU and your life, too. You'll begin to think about that new dining room table that you want but can't have because Dad went off to Vegas again. Personally, I couldn't deal with that at all. The decision to live together should be made for no other reason than you are ready to build your lives together with the ultimate commitment. Been there - done that. 3
veggirl Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 Oh my. You guys are not moving in because you see/want marriage, you guys are moving in to save money?! Can't you get ROOMMATES for that? Terrible idea...sorry Paper. One of you will be left in the apt if this doesn't work out, and apparently neither can afford it on your own. Awful idea. 2
Els Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 The bolded. We're not moving in because we wish to get married, we're doing it as a means of saving money ( mostly for him). The thing is he is already spending about the same amount as it costs for rent- his gas money and the money he spends on us. The key word here is " if". If he chooses to leave his family and move out on his own ( and he has every right to do so), his family can choose to move into a smaller house (the current house they live in has around 4 rooms) and that would cut the expenses down so his half of the rent would no longer be needed. I have my own savings ( from when I used to work) and I would need to look into getting a part time job. Like I said it's all speculations, one that I'm not jumping into lightly. That's all well and good, and certainly your prerogative to decide, but I must stress again that you NEED to consider what will happen if the two of you break up before the lease is over, especially as you are moving in together after only 3 months. You need to consider the financial and life implications that will have on you, and to see if it's worth it. I am not going to judge you for your reasons, but this is a practicality that you cannot ignore. What will you and your bf do if it comes to that?
Jane2011 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Three months is too soon, in my opinion. I'd not be willing to live with a guy - even one I was in love with - until after at least a year, and probably even a year and a half would be better. I'm pretty determined to see if a guy still wants me in his life after the honeymoon period wears off. I totally *hate* that it does wear off, but I know from experience that it does. Doesn't mean the guy and I wouldn't still like each other and want each other after the honeymoon period wears off. I just wouldn't want to make big moves of togetherness while it's still happening.
Jane2011 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 In most cases, unless you're long distance, it's just as good to see a lot of each other (if you're really into each other). I'm seeing my boyfriend six days a week, which is the most I've seen any guy I've ever dated. But I really, really like being around him and vice versa. We don't spend all day of those days together, but we see each other for a while six days out of the week and spend about 3-4 nights together. I want to be around him so much that I feel inklings of wanting to live together. I just wouldn't do it. I'd rather just see him a bunch and wait to see how we're faring in a year or two before a move-in happens.
jolbell Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 I'm Asian American so I understand all about the cultural impacts. Im first-generation as well. I wouldn't move in until: 1) he draws the line between his family and his private life (money and other important decisions) and 2) he's moved out and lived on his own for awhile. You asked about dis/advantages. They are obvious. The only advantage is that you'll both get instant gratification. I've never heard anyone say they moved in quickly and it *helped* the relationship. You don't even know each others' habits yet. What'll happen when you breakup (very likely possibility) but have a year lease to fulfill? Can you afford to break the lease on your own without it significantly impacting your savings? How will bills be split? You say you are working part time and he has to work double shifts just to support PART of one household. Practically speaking, you can't afford it. HE can't afford it. You finish your education and move out on your own to escape family. He should disentangle himself with his family affairs (at least to the point where they're not dependent on him for the 4 walls) and grow his career to the point where he can afford to live independently and give generously to his family if that is what he wishes. But at this point, no need to even think about moving in together.
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