We're thinking about moving in together...

[xpaperxcutx]

no definitive plans as of yet, but the idea was brought up tonight and it's floating there...

 

We've been together three months although it felt more like half a lifetime; given the fact from the very day we became official, we saw each other every night. We also just celebrated my birthday and exchanged I Love Yous.

 

I haven't posted anything about my current relationship because I wanted to break the pattern of posting every little thing, whether significant or insignificant. Whatever arguments or fights we've had ( minor or major) we've managed to pull through them and in the process, we've learned more about each other. Our respect for each other has grown as well, and as far as our goals, dreams and the pace of the relationship, we are also clear on their direction.

 

I don't think I'm jumping the gun, although from an outsider's point of view, it is a drastic move. I understand the things we might have to work out (ie, family arrangements, my school, etc). But I still need opinions. Good or bad?

[CarrieT]

Three months? I say too soon....

 

Know each other through a full year and through every season before co-habitating. You are still in the honeymoon period, the gloss of which usually wanes between nine and 14 months.

 

And if it is to be a lifetime relationship, waiting another few months will not seem like a big deal.

[xpaperxcutx]

Three months? I say too soon....

 

Know each other through a full year and through every season before co-habitating. You are still in the honeymoon period, the gloss of which usually wanes between nine and 14 months.

 

And if it is to be a lifetime relationship, waiting another few months will not seem like a big deal.

 

Thanks for your input. As I've stated, I need outside opinions to weigh the good and bad. I'm looking at it from advantage vs. disadvantage POV as opposed to jumping all in because of " lust" or " puppy love".

 

We want to be together more. Despite being able to see each other almost everyday, we really just lack our " private space". I'm currently living with my parents while he's still helping rent with his family. He can definitely afford his own place if he wasn't helping out at home.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You've had major arguments already? hmm wonder what those were about.

 

It's not hard to pull through arguments at this phase of the relationship, because the emotions and desires run so high that it's easy just to gloss over it and put it behind you for now.

 

However issues you find tolerable and excusable now, will only become exacerbated in the future, so make sure to at least address your major concerns and communicate about them instead of just putting them on the back-burner...unfortunately I don't think you will necessarily have that clarity either though right now to even see big issues.

 

This guy is older right? seems like he's on the fast track to setting up a relationship more convenient and desirable for himself, older guys usually have these expectations of what they are looking for and may expect you to mold/live up to that. Plus take note of his history if possible, at his age he's likely been there, done that, so adjust the "meaning" to gestures and shotgun expressions he may reveal to you, this could just be something that he does...of course if you come at him directly and question that he'll try and say how he's never done anything like this before or felt this way ::sigh:: but older men definitely have the high ground, it's just too easy.

 

I would advise you to open up your perspective of this relationship and try to see the bigger picture of what is going on here, right now you're just on the flow of things but you need more time to see the real person. I would at least wait another 3 months, it's your life but once you move in with him it might not be easy to get out if things don't go as well as you imagined, living with someone brings out the true compatibility of people because neither can escape or do their thing on their own anymore, it's a full time gig now, and make sure you talk about everything from finances, to his expectations, your expectations, that's a very important conversation you should spend a lot of time thinking about and discussing.

 

And this may or may not apply to you, but don't do the whole bending over backwards to make him happy and suit his lifestyle then six months later start complaining about things you did because you were trying to be that perfect housewife/girl for him and love and take care of him yet feel unappreciated or like your needs aren't being met. Try to go into it in a balanced way, with your needs and expectations being met from the get go instead of pushing hard, running out of steam, then expecting him to live up to this new bar that you set....I see a lot of women do that and it never works because the guy feels misled and the woman feels taken advantage of.

[veggirl]

It's way too soon, esp if you have been having "major argument"(s) already, only 3 mos in. You are jumping the gun, even if you do spend every night together (which is too much IMO). What are the advantages you see to doing it? Seeing each other more, having your own space, getting out of family housing?

 

Why doesn't he just get his own place (isn't he 32?) and you can spend time there without moving in?

[xpaperxcutx]

When I said arguments I meant major and minor, but for elaboration, we've only had one major argument. We talked it over, and it was a misunderstanding and we learned from it. As for the other minor arguments, they're silly and mostly on me cause I tend to want to bicker and try to win over the silliest things.

 

When we spent every night together it usually involves him driving out to see me after work and we have dinner. Sometimes he brings food out and we eat in his car, and then we walk my dog at the local park.

 

The reason he doesn't have a place of his own is because he lives with his family. We're both from Asian backgrounds and until you're married, you usually live with your family. His family needs him because he's helping with rent. His family background is a sensitive issue because for one, he's muslim and given how conservative his family is ( especially his mom), he's not allowed to bring girls home. I understand that and I'm not going to fight him on it.

 

He's not allowed at my place because my mom is conservative as well, and I never bring guys home.

 

So the issue here isn't our age, but our individual families. He's all for moving in obviously but it is a sensitive issue which will involve our individual families if we do decide to act on it.

 

@veggirl to answer why he doesn't have his own place, He does make enough that he can support himself. But he has to help his family since his older sister is a stay at home mom with two kids and his mom barely makes enough, with only his bro-in-law bringing in the rent money. At the same time, his family is pushing him to get married but he stated that the reason he hasn't married yet is because of the family financial issues.

 

So there's the conundrum.

 

Like i said the suggestion is out in the air, but we're treading carefully. We are in love ( despite the short time) and we both know as far as the relationship is concerned, it is an LTR, if not marriage.

 

@ninja he has proven to me day by day he's isn't like other guys, as cliche as that may sounds. He's a dedicated uncle who values the meaning of family and relationships. I would not even want to compare him to other guys because there is no comparison. He's not a cheater, and if he ever likes to look and stare, it's always at a car ( he loves cars and even went to mechanic school for it).

[kaylan]

Way too soon. And especially when this guy hasnt live on his own long enough yet. Let him do that first, and then after youve been together long enough you can move in together.

 

If you rush things, crap will hit the fan imo.

 

PS - Its only been 3 months. No matter what you say about "hes not like other guys", thousands of women have said the same thing and had the relationship fall apart badly. You dont know this man well enough yet. Wait it out and be patient.

[SmileFace]

Did he propose?

[Ninjainpajamas]

When I said arguments I meant major and minor, but for elaboration, we've only had one major argument. We talked it over, and it was a misunderstanding and we learned from it. As for the other minor arguments, they're silly and mostly on me cause I tend to want to bicker and try to win over the silliest things.

 

When we spent every night together it usually involves him driving out to see me after work and we have dinner. Sometimes he brings food out and we eat in his car, and then we walk my dog at the local park.

 

The reason he doesn't have a place of his own is because he lives with his family. We're both from Asian backgrounds and until you're married, you usually live with your family. His family needs him because he's helping with rent. His family background is a sensitive issue because for one, he's muslim and given how conservative his family is ( especially his mom), he's not allowed to bring girls home. I understand that and I'm not going to fight him on it.

 

He's not allowed at my place because my mom is conservative as well, and I never bring guys home.

 

So the issue here isn't our age, but our individual families. He's all for moving in obviously but it is a sensitive issue which will involve our individual families if we do decide to act on it.

 

@veggirl to answer why he doesn't have his own place, He does make enough that he can support himself. But he has to help his family since his older sister is a stay at home mom with two kids and his mom barely makes enough, with only his bro-in-law bringing in the rent money. At the same time, his family is pushing him to get married but he stated that the reason he hasn't married yet is because of the family financial issues.

 

So there's the conundrum.

 

Like i said the suggestion is out in the air, but we're treading carefully. We are in love ( despite the short time) and we both know as far as the relationship is concerned, it is an LTR, if not marriage.

 

@ninja he has proven to me day by day he's isn't like other guys, as cliche as that may sounds. He's a dedicated uncle who values the meaning of family and relationships. I would not even want to compare him to other guys because there is no comparison. He's not a cheater, and if he ever likes to look and stare, it's always at a car ( he loves cars and even went to mechanic school for it).

 

Ahh, ok well definitely some differences here then to consider, I can see where you are coming from. Cultural, religious and traditional values definitely add a different dynamic or set of rules than the standard more liberal relationships.

 

I understand the living with the parents being apart of asian tradition/culture, and I also understand financial obligations, I had a single mother/younger-sister dynamic as well.

 

Do you know anything about Islam?

 

Are you going to be expected to convert?

 

How would kids play into this dynamic? how will they be raised? do you agree with that? (even if you don't expect anytime soon, something to consider)

 

How hardcore muslim are they? Do you understand and agree with it, is anything expected of you?

 

If financial issues are a problem are you supposed to live with him and his family?

 

I feel like there is too much added pressure/insistence here because of both of your living situations and does that mean marriage will be fast-forwarded due to his faith? and btw what is your faith?

 

I think you genuinely feel in love with this guy, but I still don't trust him because he's older (that's something as a man you'll just never understand), I question this even more so because if he's supposed to move in with a woman and get hitched why hasn't he done it until now at his age? because he hasn't met you and wasn't in love before? I wouldn't bet a lot of money on that personally.

 

I think the part of reason you feel this is so different is because of he's a different type of guy than you've dated....more conservative, more religious, beliefs and morals tied to faith and tradition, and his financial responsibility may have played a big part in him being able to experience life to an extent and relationships...so how can you even trust what he wants if he doesn't even know? sounds like a hard gig to pull off for 30 plus years if you ask me.

 

It feels like you're really getting wrapped up into his own world too quickly...IF you share the same faiths and beliefs in your life than yeah I could see you connecting and being compatible on that level, but I've never taken you for being very religious from your previous posts and now you're willing to change your whole life to accommodate this guy and you'll find excuses of why it's an improvement and a good thing instead of you having to "adjust" to this relationship? I understand many women are ready and willing to do that for the right guy, but have you seen that work well before? the cat usually comes out of the bag at some point or another.

 

I think what that your emotions and his beliefs are going to take this relationship two or three steps ahead of where they should be...It's a lot to bet on that things are going to work out after 3 months, this person has existed for years and yet 3 mons and you're ready to go all in with your poker chips? and I'm sorry being in-love isn't enough...I hope you do a gut check and really give attention to the things you really feel inside about this, your doubts and major concerns, have you talked to your mom about this?

 

I think you're already aware this is fast but you're probably just telling yourself whatever you want to hear so that you can go ahead with it. It's up to you, but it's definitely a huge gamble and I mean moving into together, maybe even being shored up by marriage...this is going way too fast, not to criticize religion or faith, but it definitely doesn't always make the right decisions or has it's marbles in the right place.

 

Make sure you stay true to yourself, you don't have to go this route, this is a big deal.

 

How about renting a studio where you live in and he can come by and visit you and help you with the payments? this way you have your own time together away from home but not living together yet. Just be a waste of money and not very traditional right? gah! >.<

[kaylan]

Also, I dont understand how hes not supposed to move out before marriage, and hes taking care of his family, yet hes going to leave them to live with you? Hows he going to afford to help them out and be the family patriarch too, if he leaves them to live with you.

 

One of you need to get your own place, and see how alone time together works visiting one another before you decide to move in. Especially if hes from conservative muslim culture and youre from conservative east Asian culture. And based on your past threads and from talking to you, many of us know youre not a conservative gal despite your culture. So theres a chance for culture clash when if you guys have more time together, despite both of you have conservative family backgrounds.

[xpaperxcutx]

Also, I dont understand how hes not supposed to move out before marriage, and hes taking care of his family, yet hes going to leave them to live with you? Hows he going to afford to help them out and be the family patriarch too, if he leaves them to live with you.

 

One of you need to get your own place, and see how alone time together works visiting one another before you decide to move in. Especially if hes from conservative muslim culture and youre from conservative east Asian culture. And based on your past threads and from talking to you, many of us know youre not a conservative gal despite your culture. So theres a chance for culture clash when if you guys have more time together, despite both of you have conservative family backgrounds.

 

I was hoping only to write what was necessary but in his defense, he's not the family patriarch. The family patriarch was and is still supposed to be his father. Unfortunately, fate is cruel in giving him a father who is a gambling addict. All his life, he had a dad who wasn't there, and he was forced to step up to the plate.

 

The sad thing is that, his mother being married to the guy for the last 30 years, is still adamant in staying with him through thick and thin. Just this past weekend, in what was suppose to be Eid for them, his dad decided to go to Atlantic City to gamble ( coinciding with Hurricane Sandy). When his dad got back, his dad said he couldn't make rent, so right now, my boyfriend is working a double shift at the hospital just to make rent.

 

His family could be financially stable if his dad would stop gambling. But they've tried everything and he is a lost cause. So my boyfriend, who loves his mom, is still living at home and staying for both her and his sister's sakes.

 

When I first started dating him, he told me, he was supposed to be married. He said his mom even tried to do arrange marriage ( they are Bengali) and even wondered about his sexuality. He never bothered to think about his own happiness because he was too worried about his family. He always placed other's needs before his own. And he never felt he was financially stable to raise a family of his own because whatever he makes, it goes to the family.

[monkey00]

In most cases, I'd say at least a year. I have a friend who just moved in with his gf due to financial reasons after 5 months, and things are a bit tricky between them...now totaling 7 months.

 

There's nothing like having the gift of missing each other/wanting to see each other. Learn to appreciate it...at least for another few more months.

[kaylan]

^And how do you expect to live with him when he has to support his family? And since youre already thinking into the future, how is he going to support two households if you guys ever get married and have kids.

 

The guy is in his 30s, and while culture and family is important, hes had long enough to man up. I may be an ex-Muslim, but I find it appaling that his father, the so called family patriarch, screws around and ruins Eid? The Eid is a time of celebration, reverence, and feast....not a time to piss away your families money so they cant have money for rent.

 

Your boyfriend needs to man up, and tell his dad to shape up. He cant keep doing his dads job if hes ever supposed to have his own life. Trust me this issue has to be taken care of before you guys get serious about living together.

[january2011]

Did he propose?

 

This.

 

Do not move in together out of convenience.

 

Tying up your finances purely because you are "in love" is a big mistake, in my opinion. And added into the mix, you have outstanding issues regarding family, religion and the short time you've been in a romantic relationship.

 

Unless your boyfriend prioritises you over his mum and sister, e.g., you are his wife, I don't see how moving in together is ever going to be a viable option.

 

So, I say, "nay." Sorry, Papercut.

[xpaperxcutx]

^And how do you expect to live with him when he has to support his family? And since youre already thinking into the future, how is he going to support two households if you guys ever get married and have kids.

 

The guy is in his 30s, and while culture and family is important, hes had long enough to man up. I may be an ex-Muslim, but I find it appaling that his father, the so called family patriarch, screws around and ruins Eid? The Eid is a time of celebration, reverence, and feast....not a time to piss away your families money so they cant have money for rent.

 

Your boyfriend needs to man up, and tell his dad to shape up. He cant keep doing his dads job if hes ever supposed to have his own life. Trust me this issue has to be taken care of before you guys get serious about living together.

 

Kaylan, why are you always so quick to the offensive? Just because my boyfriend didn't kick his dad out of the house doesn't make him any less of a man. The only reason he's even putting up with him is because of his mom. Do you really expect him to kick his mom out of the house too? His mom immigrated to this country, speaks very little english and is very adamant in her cultural ways. He's always supported his family and he continues to do so.

 

Before you decide to jump down his throat, at least find out the whole story first.

 

His dad never contributed anything to the family, never had, never will.

[veggirl]

I certainly am not expert on Asian culture, so forgive me, but I am confused.

 

Due to culture, you both live at home.

You say most in your culture stay home until they marry, and your family is so conservative he can't come over, and his is such that he has to provide for them.

 

Yet you can move in together after only 3 mos, no plans to marry?

 

I don't get it.

[kaylan]

Quick to be offensive? Not at all. Im blunt and provide real talk. No need to beat around the bush.

 

Im sorry, but if my father wasnt doing his duties as a man for the family, Id be less of a man for not calling him out on it, while picking up his slack and delaying my own life. He doesnt have to kick anyone out, but he DOES have to put his foot down. Right now your boyfriend is the man of the house because of the responsibilities hes undertaking. Its his responsibility as a good son to make sure his family, and esp his mother, are well taken care of.

 

Tbh, I see this relationship going nowhere if your boyfriend is stuck being the man of that household and supporting everyone. If his father never will do it himself, just where do you see this relationship going. He wont be able to build a life with you if he cant break away from them. Unless you live with all of them, and I cant see you doing that...because your personality and way of life wont allow you to deal with it for too long. Im calling it like I see it. The rose tinted glasses will fade soon.

 

Theres much to be said about being able to date someone who has true independence. Its like you guys are stuck in perpetual high school dating mods...trapped under your parents thumb as adults. I still live at home myself, but I can come and go as I please, and I have plans to move out within 6 months. It doesnt seem like you guys can live together anytime soon, so how long do you see yourself keeping all of this up.

 

Im just trying to be real with you.

Edited November 5, 2012 by kaylan

[xpaperxcutx]

I certainly am not expert on Asian culture, so forgive me, but I am confused.

 

Due to culture, you both live at home.

You say most in your culture stay home until they marry, and your family is so conservative he can't come over, and his is such that he has to provide for them.

 

Yet you can move in together after only 3 mos, no plans to marry?

 

I don't get it.

 

No. Due to culture we can't bring the other home. His family is jusy more strict in a religious sense cause they don't believe in dating.

 

Im not religious and I have lived with roommates before. So technically if we ever live together it'll be similar to two roommates sharing expenses.

[xpaperxcutx]

Quick to be offensive? Not at all. Im blunt and provide real talk. No need to beat around the bush.

 

Im sorry, but if my father wasnt doing his duties as a man for the family, Id be less of a man for not calling him out on it, while picking up his slack and delaying my own life. He doesnt have to kick anyone out, but he DOES have to put his foot down. Right now your boyfriend is the man of the house because of the responsibilities hes undertaking. Its his responsibility as a good son to make sure his family, and esp his mother, are well taken care of.

 

Tbh, I see this relationship going nowhere if your boyfriend is stuck being the man of that household and supporting everyone. If his father never will do it himself, just where do you see this relationship going. He wont be able to build a life with you if he cant break away from them. Unless you live with all of them, and I cant see you doing that...because your personality and way of life wont allow you to deal with it for too long. Im calling it like I see it. The rose tinted glasses will fade soon.

 

Theres much to be said about being able to date someone who has true independence. Its like you guys are stuck in perpetual high school dating mods...trapped under your parents thumb as adults. I still live at home myself, but I can come and go as I please, and I have plans to move out within 6 months. It doesnt seem like you guys can live together anytime soon, so how long do you see yourself keeping all of this up.

 

Im just trying to be real with you.

 

And nobody said he didn't put his foot down. The solutions you're imparting aren't solutions bevause you refuse to look at the sensitivities of the issues at hand. He helps pay rent doesn't mean he has full say. He lives in a house with his mom, his dad his sister two nephews and his bro in law. Everyone contributes their part.

 

He still cares about his mom. It's his mom he worries about. Yet his mom is still willing to stay with his dad. So quit thinking there are easy solutions to anything.

[kaylan]

Ok, just know its likely you will never come close to being a top priority in his life. And soon youll want to date someone who has more independence, and has the ability to spend more private time alone with you.

 

Do keep us updated on things. Good luck.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I would never move in with someone after 3 months of dating...

[Ruby Slippers]

Unless your boyfriend prioritises you over his mum and sister, e.g., you are his wife, I don't see how moving in together is ever going to be a viable option.

Agree 100%.

 

If he's struggling to earn enough to contribute to living expenses for his parents now, how is he going to move in with you, continue paying some of his parents' living expenses, and share living expenses with you?

 

He's going to have to either earn more - enough to support part of 2 households - or stop supporting his parents' household so he can move out on his own.

[SJC2008]

Minor arguments, a major one, seeing eachother daily or close to it, I love you, pondering cohabitaion, THREE months in??? You guys didn't jump into it you flew into it with rocket packs on your backs!!! It takes 3-6 months to get to know someone (for the most part, not every single thing) so if you're lucky yall fell inside the 3 month mark but it's way too soon.

[xpaperxcutx]

Agree 100%.

 

If he's struggling to earn enough to contribute to living expenses for his parents now, how is he going to move in with you, continue paying some of his parents' living expenses, and share living expenses with you?

 

He's going to have to either earn more - enough to support part of 2 households - or stop supporting his parents' household so he can move out on his own.

 

I agree which is why we're still in the planning stages. He contributes half or rent and he has other expenses since as bills, car insurance, gas etc. If we really move in together he has to cut off a lot. Like I said the conundrum isn't that he can't be independent, he has a stable job. Its the fact he feels obligated to help his familyout with bills.

[mortensorchid]

Please, SLOW DOWN. It's way too soon for you to be doing this. You are still in complete and utter infatuation with each other, and you must act with caution. You barely know each other. Before you consider doing something so drastic, be together for at least a year or you will end up really resenting one another.