drakewrites Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 I've been steadily single for almost six years. I've had a few relationships here and there, but none of them have lasted more than 2 weeks. I don't know why this is, and I'm a little worried. Here are a few of my speculations: 1. I had no problem getting girls in high-school. I was really cool and suave, and girls came to ME. Now that it's several years later and I lost all my "coolness", so I have no idea how to approach women. 2. I am AFRAID to approach women. I've been dating very young girls these past few years, and every time I try to approach a woman my age, I'm terrified. The prettier they are, the more afraid I am, and the less self-confidence I have. And if they are wearing heels? Forget about it. 3. I don't know how to meet women either. I don't drink, so I don't go to bars that often. Most of my friends go to parties/bars, and I don't do either. I work at a place where there are no customers, and even when there is a new face I will run and hide from a pretty girl and stare at her from far away. 4. I absolutely loathe myself. I'm not sure why, but it's been this way for years. Whenever I start talking to a girl, I'll make sure to quickly mention how much I hate myself, or how I'm terribly ugly, or how I have no chance with them, etc, until they leave. When this happens, I feel accomplished, as if punishing myself is the right thing to do. What's wrong with me? Where do I even begin to fix these problems? I want a girlfriend, a long term relationship. I feel as if I'm ready, but I just can't get my foot in the door long enough.
CarrieT Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 What's wrong with me? You answered your own questions: 2. I am AFRAID to approach women. 3. I don't know how to meet women either. 4. I absolutely loathe myself. Of the three, I would say #4 is the biggest issue and for that, I would recommend extensive therapy. No girl is going to want to be with a guy who loathes himself. Work on that issue and the other issues - I believe - will start to fix themselves naturally.
CailinPig Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Snap!! Me too!! I feel for ya, cos I'm in the same position. We need a plan...
CailinPig Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 The real problem, as mentioned in the post above me, is your lack of confidence. A lack of confidence in life can actually cause far more havoc than people realise. I know, because I suffer from the same thing. Why do you hate yourself? Or is it just that you're fine with yourself until you're in these situations and then your brain starts telling you how horrible/ugly/worthless/boring you are?
Carenth Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 You pretty much just answered your own question. Your main problem is that you hate/loathe yourself. People pick up on that and it is not an attractive quality. As I learnt when I used to feel that way about myself "How can I expect anyone to love me if I don't love myself?". Which to be honest, will require you to take some time out and really look deep to figure out the source of why you feel that way about yourself. In my case it was a mix of anxiety and depression which I had beat myself up for years because I believed I was just been a wuss, when in reality it can be a debilitating illness. I got help and it took a better part of 2 years for me to get back on my feet to the point where I didn't have negative thoughts about myself every waking moment. I have a very positive outlook on life now and people notice that compared to before and want to spend time getting to know me, because I'm not a sour puss anymore. I imagine going from been the cool kid in high school to been average joe is quite demoralising and feels like a loss of identity. Either way my honest opinion is you need to sort out your own issues before you go diving into relationships, you remind me of myself from some time ago and I really was not in a mental state to be in a relationship. When you are in a mind frame like that they tend to do more harm than good you end up hurting yourself and the person you are with.
gaius Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Figure out what you feel so guilty about and come to terms with it.
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Of course when you come off so negative and self-hating when meeting a women she's going to run for the hills. That's the number one thing you have to work on before even thinking of dating. If it's that bad, start with self-help books, then if you can afford it, go to see a therapist.
ScreamingTrees Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Your actions contradict your words. You wouldn't punish yourself if you wanted or were ready for a relationship, deep down.
ascendotum Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 Your actions contradict your words. You wouldn't punish yourself if you wanted or were ready for a relationship, deep down. ^ Totally! ...You say this..."I absolutely loathe myself. I'm not sure why, but it's been this way for years. Whenever I start talking to a girl, I'll make sure to quickly mention how much I hate myself....." then you say this.... "I feel as if I'm ready, but I just can't get my foot in the door long enough." (because you shoot yourself in the foot. lol) No way are you ready yet for a relationship. You probably could easily benefit from NSA to boost your confidence though. You have been going out on dates with younger girls, so that's good thing in that you are not a total shut-in or clueless with interacting with girls, but it seems like it has not really helped you feel better about yourself, though if its just dating and no sex or no proper relationship, then after a while it doesn't mean all that much. You really have got to work on number 4 and turn that around. I don't know if its possible to hate yourself and not be depressed...I would have thought not, but are you on any meds/supps for depression or have you considered it?
Author drakewrites Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 The real problem, as mentioned in the post above me, is your lack of confidence. A lack of confidence in life can actually cause far more havoc than people realise. I know, because I suffer from the same thing. Why do you hate yourself? Or is it just that you're fine with yourself until you're in these situations and then your brain starts telling you how horrible/ugly/worthless/boring you are? I'm totally fine with myself, even quite happy, until I find myself in a situation where I'm talking/texting a girl, then all the above happens.
Author drakewrites Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 Figure out what you feel so guilty about and come to terms with it. That's the thing... I don't think there is anything I feel guilty about. I've done a lot of crazy stuff in my past, but I've come to grips with all of that stuff. So I don't know why I hate myself so much. It tends to go away for a while, and then when I start talking to a girl it all suddenly rears its head, and then it's back for a while. I'll even post a lot of self-pity party stuff on FaceBook / Twitter, and honestly all my friends are used to it by now. It's sad. But when I post that stuff on FB / Twitter, it feels good, because I know I'm making myself look bad in front of others, and that their opinion of me is changing, and for some reason I feel the same way then as when I get a girl I like to stop liking me.
Author drakewrites Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 ^ Totally! ...You say this..."I absolutely loathe myself. I'm not sure why, but it's been this way for years. Whenever I start talking to a girl, I'll make sure to quickly mention how much I hate myself....." then you say this.... "I feel as if I'm ready, but I just can't get my foot in the door long enough." (because you shoot yourself in the foot. lol) No way are you ready yet for a relationship. You probably could easily benefit from NSA to boost your confidence though. You have been going out on dates with younger girls, so that's good thing in that you are not a total shut-in or clueless with interacting with girls, but it seems like it has not really helped you feel better about yourself, though if its just dating and no sex or no proper relationship, then after a while it doesn't mean all that much. You really have got to work on number 4 and turn that around. I don't know if its possible to hate yourself and not be depressed...I would have thought not, but are you on any meds/supps for depression or have you considered it? Does NSA mean no strings attached? I don't know how I feel about that. I'm kind of a good guy, I try not to even do one night stands. I'm not really that depressed that often. I've completely accepted the fact that I hate/loathe myself, and have for a while. I don't let it affect my mood. I just know I hate myself. And I've been okay with that. I wouldn't take any meds I don't believe in that stuff I feel like it's an easy way out. Unless I really, really needed it, which I don't think I do. I also don't think I need to waste time with a therapist. I couldn't afford it anyways. I can solve all my problems by myself, I believe. Thank you all for your replies, but I don't understand why hating myself has anything to do with dating other people. I'm sure there are tons of people out there that hate themselves that are in relationships. And I'm sure some of them are even able to hide it quite well. I just don't see what that has to do with a relationship. When I'm with someone I'm all about giving, all about making sure the other person is happy. How I treat myself has nothing to do with how I treat others...?
Carenth Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 (edited) Hating yourself is not a healthy nor normal mindset. Taking meds is not the easy way out that is absurd. Would you walk on a broken leg, because letting it heal is the easy way out? Of course not, and don't say they are different because depression or any kind of mental illness is just that an illness. You are not weak or taking the easy way out by seeking out help which may include going on meds. You really don't sound like you are happy at all and are looking for outlets to express this be it girls or the pitty parties on facebook/twitter. I would highly suggest you go talk to your doctor about these feelings of self hatred and loathing you are experiencing, they really can help if you let them. The reason it has to do with dating is because if you are in that negative emotional state, you will not be able to form healthy relationships. As I said before hatred/self loathing are not desirable traits. People do not want to be with someone who does not respect/care about themselves, even if they are with you it becomes very painful to be with a person with such a negative view of themselves and the world. I speak from experience, I honestly do not think you are ready for a relationship. It will not magically fix your problems, if anything it will make things worse in my opinion. Edited November 5, 2012 by Carenth
CailinPig Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Drakewrites, Ok, so that's good - you actually don't hate yourself, it's just that when talking to girls, you blurt out how awful you are, and you feel crap about yourself then. That's a different situation, and one that I think can be solved. (That said, I haven't managed to do that myself, haha!) I think you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone. What I mean by that is, it probably would make you feel very uncomfortable to NOT mention to a girl that you're awful, ugly, worthless, crap with women. It'd probably make your skin crawl to NOT say that. So that should be your first task. Set yourself some new rules and get out and practise them.
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