wow.. I finally told him

November 4, 2012

I've liked my best friend for months, and the feelings have only grown stronger with time. I've held it in for fear of losing the friendship. Meanwhile, we continued to get to know each other and have become extremely good friends. Lately the urge to tell him my feelings was really strong, but I wouldn't do it because I was so afraid that it was crazy. Well, today was the day.

We had gone to a party last night and I stayed over like I've done many times before. I was going to tell him at the end of the day, but there was some drama among a couple of his friends that he was dealing with. So this morning I decided I would do it. I kept putting it off though, one hour, then another hour, and finally I said "we're really good friends right?" and he says yes. Then I asked if he was serious when he said that we can tell each other anything...and he says yes. Then he knew, of course, that I had something to say, but I was still too afraid to say it.. so he prodded me.

Finally a little while later just as he was about to leave for work, I said I would tell him...then I kind of tried to stall a bit more, said that maybe I'd just tell him later, said maybe I just shouldn't tell him, and drove him a little crazy with this flip flopping before finally blurting it out. It went like this:

Me: "I have feelings for you,..."

Him: (while I'm still speaking, sounding surprised) "ohhh"

Me: "...I always have, and..."

Him: (interrupting) "and now you're gonna leave? (chuckling a little, and joking with me because I said I was gonna leave right after telling him)

Me: "....and now I'm gonna leave! "

Then at that moment he had to leave with his roommates (who work with him) for work, but I was already headed out the door in front of them. Waved bye then bolted. Now he'll be busy at work the whole day.

I have some anxiety about what I just did, There was no time to find out how he feels about it (although I probably subconsciously did that on purpose.. but at the same time, a certain weight has been lifted. Even though I'm annoyed with myself that I couldn't even look at him when I said it, and even though he may only see me as a friend, my feelings are now recognized instead of hidden. They are out in the open and alive, and I'll never have to say what if.

But as to how to proceed with talking to him from here? I think I'll let him take the lead for a little bit and show me in whatever way he can, how he feels about what I said. I'll probably be going in and out of shock all day..

November 4, 2012

He just told me he can't see me as more than friends. heart broken.

November 4, 2012

Maybe you should take some time away from him so you can move on from the feelings?

November 4, 2012

He told me he really loves the friendship and doesn't want to ruin it. But that he "can't" see me as more than friends. I want to ask why so badly. To find out what it is about me that makes it so that he can't see me as more than a friend. but I'm afraid that is gonna really make me seem messed up, even though I guess I am. but I also don't know that I can even begin to get past this until I find out the answer to that question.

November 4, 2012

Don't ask why--it doesn't matter. I know you feel like you must know it to move on, but you don't. Take some time away from him, stay busy with your other friends, and you will get through this.

November 4, 2012

He told me he really loves the friendship and doesn't want to ruin it. But that he "can't" see me as more than friends. I want to ask why so badly. To find out what it is about me that makes it so that he can't see me as more than a friend. but I'm afraid that is gonna really make me seem messed up, even though I guess I am. but I also don't know that I can even begin to get past this until I find out the answer to that question.

He probably won't be able to answer it because it's not about "you" specifically. A relationship needs chemistry in order to work, and sometimes it's just not there - and it's not your fault nor his.

It's unfortunate this happened, but at least you know now. I definitely know the feeling - but you'll be able to move past it with time and still remain friends. Just work on yourself.

November 4, 2012

I ended up telling him that I value our friendship and appreciate him being sensitive to my feelings. Then suggested we move on from the situation. That was the best I could do. I wish I would have told him in a better way, but it's done. And now I just have to focus on myself as much as I can.

November 4, 2012

you were brave to tell him and now you know so you can move on.I wish you the best and hope you find happiness........moving on is always difficult and its that way because it is unknown but that unknown is brighter that not knowing...the further you move along the path the easier it gets...good luck with you...deb

November 5, 2012

the main thing I'm struggling with right now? This has been a blow to my self esteem. As well as me and this guy get along, he can't see himself with me. And I wonder why. What don't I have that someone else does? And why do I wish so much that I could be that person, whoever they are? There's another guy that's talking to me a bit, and I know that I should try to talk to him to focus on someone else, but I'm so hung up over this that I don't much want to. I don't want to lose my friend, but this has depressed me and I can't deny that. I don't know if I'm strong enough to look him in the eye and be OK. I feel like just being around him will remind me that there's something about me that makes me someone he can't be with, rather than him just being the friend that he wants to be..

November 5, 2012

I am sorry to say, I am in a somewhat nightmarish situation too.

But if you get along great, it's a lack of physical attraction/passion. He is probably one of those guys that need a lightening bolt strike from the start.

There are guys/girls that are like that. There are other types too, that will find lots of people attractive and want to give them a go.

November 5, 2012

Anytime someone says they dont want to ruin the friendship, it really just means they cant see themselves with you in the long term. It could be for a variety of reasons, and trust me youd rather not know. Itll just drive a wedge between you.

Sometimes I can get along with a girl great, but there can be a variety of things in one situation or another, that keeps me from seeing a particular girl as more than friends;

a. Not attracted to her enough physically (no physical spark)

b. Not attracted to her enough mentally/intellectually (basically also no spark)

c. Certain things about her I find off-putting as a girlfriend, but dont mind a friend having those attributes.

And these are just a few. Knowing exactly the reason why would hurt a lot more.

Edited November 5, 2012 by kaylan

November 5, 2012

I think she is better off knowing because she needs to let go of this friendship. It will always remind her of the rejection and it will be very painful for her when he meets the girl that does it for him....

November 5, 2012

we'll, it's just a disaster. I really have been feeling like I want to know the reason why he is not attracted, but maybe I really should just forget about knowing that. Maybe it would hurt more, and maybe the reason is because of stuff that I can't even control. Maybe he only likes people that are from his culture (Hispanic). I mean, 99% of the people he talks to are. Or maybe its something about my personality that will either stay the same or change, or something about his personality.

I wish I knew if I could get over this enough to be his friend.

November 5, 2012

the main thing I'm struggling with right now? This has been a blow to my self esteem. As well as me and this guy get along, he can't see himself with me. And I wonder why. What don't I have that someone else does? And why do I wish so much that I could be that person, whoever they are? There's another guy that's talking to me a bit, and I know that I should try to talk to him to focus on someone else, but I'm so hung up over this that I don't much want to. I don't want to lose my friend, but this has depressed me and I can't deny that. I don't know if I'm strong enough to look him in the eye and be OK. I feel like just being around him will remind me that there's something about me that makes me someone he can't be with, rather than him just being the friend that he wants to be..

Self esteem can be regenerated, your spirit has a harder time regenerating,but that spirit will regenerate and you can move on, you are talking to someone else so that doesn't mean that you have to jump in but take time for your self to recoup.Music picks me up......when i am low i put my ipod on and my headphones or i you tube.....and i pray that soothes me because i know that someone can see how low i am and he is on my side......i get on here and write probably really crappy advice annoy everybody with my lack of punctuation and somehow i feel better.......

sometimes trying to see that others have the same issues and everybody hurts.....R.E.M CLASSIC yay........puts things into perspective plus the fact dealt with meaner animals than rejection that is why i can probably still laugh and still find positives....the worst is behind me......and i can chase storms anytime i want no one is stopping me... there is someone out there for you there is someone out there for m e...i am not concerned with me as a person i know my limitations and realize i am not for everyone.....I have another broken heart in the house right now just happened so i am out to catch some tears from a broken hearted teen.......do you remember those teen days when getting rejected was the end of the world....well it never is the end of the world....even when it seems like it is....good luck.....deb

November 5, 2012

First off, DontWorry - I applaud you for your courage. It took a lot of guts to tell him.

I am in a situation where I have a crush on someone, but can't muster the strength to tell him how I feel. I admire your courage, even though it didn't work out as you'd hoped.

I agree that if I were in your shoes the "why" would drive me insane. I would want to know. But I think you just need to try and find a way to grieve for the relationship and move on. It's like a sudden death - why did it have to happen? You may never know but somehow you have to move forward.

I don't think you can be his friend anymore, sadly. At least not in the immediate future. You need to move on from these feelings. What happens if in the next month or so he gets a girlfriend? How would that make you feel? If it were me, I'd be incredibly sad and jealous and would only be able to concentrate on figuring out what she has that I don't. That isn't good for you.

You need to work on moving on and finding someone for you - maybe not now, but down the road

Take this moment as a big step for your confidence - you did what a lot of people never do and then spend the rest of their life wondering 'what if'! That's a great thing, and again, I wish I had your guts.

Good luck and keep posting here I'm new here, but this seems like a great community.

November 5, 2012

thanks. today he started texting me like normal, and I find it hard. I don't want to lose his friendship, yet I'm struggling here. We were at a party a couple days ago, and he danced with me some, but I wasn't his first choice, and he didn't seem to immediately dance as close with me as his roommate, for example. He jumped right in and danced with her :/ then me much later. Yet he's told me things that he hasn't told her or anyone else. I guess I'm just the asexual best friend. And I guess he's just trying to ignore what I told him yesterday and hope it goes away, like the good friend that he is. But I, apparently, am not as good of a friend

November 5, 2012

I did this a few months ago. I know exactly what it feels like. Don't ask him why he isn't attracted to you. I'm sure he doesn't know. It's not really something u can explain. It's either there or it's not. You can't force it. After 9 months I'm doing so much better now. Cut contact for a while. Take that time to get yourself/emotions together. After a few months, reconnect with him and continue as normal. Don't worry u'll be fine.

November 6, 2012

Alright so, an update....

I decided that I wanted, no... NEEDED, to have a heart to heart conversation with my friend about my confession to him. So I decided to "exercise" by running all the way to his place, then suggesting that since I was nearby, we should talk for a few minutes. I felt that since I basically went, "I like you now bye!" and bolted yesterday, this situation deserved an actual conversation, since we have an actual friendship at stake.

So I told him that I was sorry that I was weird, and that I didn't want to remember the whole situation as me being all cowardly and running away from it. I told him that I can't just shut off the feelings, but that I truly value him as a friend, and want to be there for him in that way. He said that he loves me as a friend, and that he doesn't want things to be awkward, but that I should take some space from him. He suggested that we hang out less, so that I can get over him. This made me sad (and still does) but I said ok.

I couldn't help but ask the reason why he only saw me as a friend, and he said that when he is attracted to someone, he feels it extremely quickly. And that as he was hanging out with me and getting to know me, he thought that I was amazing, but saw it as a friendship. He said that you never know what will happen in the future, but it just can't right now. (and obviously, maybe not ever). He also said that he is mostly worried about his future, and that he has no time for a relationship.

Right now I am feeling regret over telling him. I can't decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, on one hand he is trying to give me what I need... which is space to think of him differently, as my friend. On the other hand, I loved our close friendship so much. We hung out every day and would confide in each other, had so much fun together all the time... really just about every single day. I told him that I hoped, after a period of space, when we are ready, that we can go back to being close friends. He said he hopes so too.

So now I'm scared and I wonder if it would have been a better idea to keep my mouth shut and just try to deal with the feelings like I was planning on doing for a while. Granted, I was getting worse at doing that over time but maybe I just didn't try hard enough? Do you think this was for the best? Would really appreciate some comments. Thanks.

November 6, 2012

It's good that you told him, else you would've been in limbo for awhile. I think you know that if you hadn't come clean you would've been hoping he reciprocated, because no news is good news. You would've continued on in your little fantasy bubble and become even more crushed down the road if he were to, say, meet someone he liked. Now that there's no illusion surrounding his feelings toward you, it should be easier to get over him.

I totally understand what you mean with the "I don't get why he doesn't like me" thing. I experienced the same scenario earlier this year with one of my former coworkers--he said I was really awesome, but he 'just wasn't feeling it'. And on top of that, he was still not over his ex who had walked all over him. So there I was, in all my supposed awesomeness, and he was still up the ass of some supposedly not-so-awesome girl. If I hadn't forced myself to just snap out of it, I would've gone crazy over-analyzing all of it.

Thing is, someone could be amazing, but if you don't feel it...you don't feel it. I'm sure you've had feelings like that toward at least one guy. I definitely have. Doesn't always mean anything is wrong with us or them. Something just doesn't connect.

November 6, 2012

I'm sorry to hear this. You can be proud of the fact that you tried, because if you didn't it would never know. I hope you two are able to maintain a friendship, but otherwise I'm afraid you are not in the position in which to do so. One will always feel rather awkward about what the other did/didn't say. Hope you can move on if he chooses not to see you anymore.

November 6, 2012

I think there is one reason why I shouldn't regret that I told him now. We had planned a trip to New York City this December (that we are still going to go on.... we've talked about it!). And from the beginning, as we were first getting to know each other, I knew that this trip would act as a kind of glue holding us together because it was something that we both looked forward to doing together. Now that I've told him my feelings, I still have close to 2 months to get over them before our trip, and enjoy it with him as his best friend instead of the girl who is pining for him. Originally I had planned on waiting to tell him until AFTER the trip, or even worse, WHILE ON THE TRIP!

Once the trip is over, we wouldnt have had any other thing planned together that would give us a reason to hang out and talk and interact. So we would've gone on the trip and then I would've dropped that bomb on him... then without anything else planned that would keep us together, maybe we would've just accepted that it was awkward and it would've never been the same...

But since we still have that coming up, I can use this as time to recover, with my goal being to view this as purely a friendship by the time we go on our trip. And then our friendship can be strengthened by the bond we will have from being on the trip, and by that time our friendship can be re-cemented. I just know that I'm NOT willing to give up on him as my friend. I want this guy in my life, I care about him dearly, and I will not give up. I will use this time to focus on myself and will have the goal in mind of rebuilding this friendship, and this time, it will be a REAL friendship... not one with secret pining wishes by me. I know that is so easier said than done, and I cant even see it yet, but I want to function as his good friend again in the future.

Before we were good friends we were only coworkers. When he quit the job, he told me we would "probably" still see each other sometimes. He didnt seem so sure we would even hang out still. But I knew that I wanted him in my life, so I made a conscious effort to put him there, and it happened. We grew to be close friends... And then this. But just like I put effort into being his friend before when it might not have developed otherwise, I'm also going to put that same effort now into continuing a friendship with him, even if it needs a break first.

November 7, 2012

Today was very hard. After our talk yesterday about taking space from each other, it commenced as such today. Today is the first day in months that we did not talk. I certainly felt his absence, as I imagine he felt mine (although on a smaller scale). You can't go from talking every single day and hanging out as often to nothing and not feel a kind of void. But my experience with it has been marked by a lot of anxiety... anxiety over whether I permanently ruined the friendship, whether we may have actually dated in the future if I had kept my mouth shut, whether he will contact me sometime in the near future, if it will be awkward forever, if we can ever be close friends again?

We still have our NYC trip planned for December, so I'm sort of hoping that can be the thread that holds this thing together until we can mend it. I'm not planning on contacting him unless he doesn't contact me for a whole week... then I might reach out and see what's up. He seemed sincere when he said he still wanted me in his life. I also am tending to believe that everything we shared as friends, and how we were always there for each other.. all of that has to mean something to him. I hope he misses our friendship and would like to resume it.

November 7, 2012

I couldn't be friends with someone who rejected me. Too painful. What are you going to do when he gets a girlfriend? I'm afraid you will use your trip to get closer to him and it will end up hurting you more.

November 7, 2012

Sorry to hear that OP. I applaude you for having the courage to tell him. You'll be fine, time heals. It's tough but you have to come to terms with it. Try not to "hold on to hope", it'll drag things out.

November 7, 2012

It was brave of you to tell the truth and face the music. You spoke your truth, dealt with the consequences, and lived through it.

Now the relationship has changed. There's just no getting around that.

I suggest that you take your time to grieve the romantic relationship that was not to be, and get solid again before you think about a future friendship with him. I imagine you'll have to get the sad emotions out before you can move forward.

And try not to worry about what's next for you as friends. That's unpredictable.

Just take good care of yourself right now, surround yourself with your OTHER friends, the non-crush friends, give yourself time to grieve and then heal.

You can figure out the future later.

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wow.. I finally told him

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