, lost.

[strummgirl]

I last contacted him on Friday (to wish him a happy birthday)...no reply.

 

NC started yesterday.

 

I went out last night for a bit with my friend - dancing is usually my escape. In a good way, it was for a little while and I enjoyed myself. But near the last couple of hours, I ended up thinking about him the whole time. Didn't help that the only guy I found remotely attractive was loved up with his girlfriend.

 

 

My guy really wasn't sociable...although he appeared to be at the very beginning... he made it out like he was this pro-active, sociable, driven person...but really he loved to chill at his place, smoke weed with his mates most nights, play guitar. I loved chilling with him - was an escape for my typically crazy busy lifestyle. But the funny thing is that I was likely never to meet a guy like him because he literally plucked me from Facebook.

 

He contacted me in relation to my work...complimented me like crazy...I was craving the connection and BOOM - we met, we hit it off, it felt cosmic.

 

Later discovering that he kept comparing his life to mine:o always saying, how did I find you, you're my dream girl, what happened? Worried I'd dump him all the time...he'd latch onto me like I was gonna just abandon him one day.

 

Could also see that he quite self-obsessed...a need to impress all the time, talked a lot about himself, his frustrations, a need to get ego-boosts from conversing with exs, single friends, was a bit of a concern in the back of my mind but by the point I fell hard.

 

I was in love, loved him for who he was, his sensitive, vulnerable side, his talent, the way he made me feel, how he made me laugh...but all the time his frustration would build.. even though he said I relaxed him, he was constantly berating himself, that he wasn't good enough.

 

It hurt me to see..I just wanted him to be happy.

 

I started to feel like I was turning into a councillor (not liking this dyanmic one bit and I'm sure he didn't either) it felt like the more time passed, the more he inadequate he felt. And the more I could see him turning to others - facebook single female friends / exs for some boosting / connection..the more insecure I felt too. But maybe he did this from day one...before he even met me ! :/

 

I confronted him - I cried, told him how I felt, why I was insecure...was I not good enough?...it blew up.

 

He said he needed time, a month, a week...time to go away, feel good about himself again. That it would be good for me to !! He admitted that he should have been more compassionate , that he did neglect the relationship but he really needs to be on his own now. Now that he'd reassured himself that's what needs to do, he will do it.

 

I said ok...walked away... couple of days later I texted him telling I'm okay, and respected his need for space, that I love him and he knows where I am.

 

From speaking every day for 5 months to nothing for the next 3 days, really hurt... I texted him to collect all my things that was stored at his place (laptops / books / clothes) I was in the middle of moving house that week

 

I picked up my things...he was a mess... said he was miserable being on his own...I felt for him but nothing came about how he loves me or misses me. I asked him what he wants, where I stood and he said we should just keep going as we're going. On our seperate ways. I said when people are together in love, we take the rough with the smooth and work it out...he said, ;you're allright, you're life is on track'..but 'I need to be selfish , 'man-up' .

 

I kept it together.. hugged him and thanked him for the memories. He was upset. I drove away. He texted me the next day asking if the move went okay - I tried no contact for the first time. Then the next day he said, 'okay then, i'm away for a while' ...then later that night he reactivated his facebook and liked one of my links, and messaged me a message that basically made it out like I was the one who finished it - putting the guilt on me by saying 'thanks for the memories' and not responding to his previous message - also that he'll see me around sometime and hopes i'm good.

 

i'd been miserable and he couldn't see that.

 

I messaged back asking him what he expects me to do, he wants us to go our seperate ways doesn't he? That he didn't ask once how I was, no apologiy. It was all about him...he left me with no choice but to move on. I explained this.

 

Then he replies saying i'm right, he can't do this right now, he's sorry and I don't have to contact him.. I reply that it's okay, he'll figure it out soon...take care.

 

I cut facebook link for my own sanity. NC will begin now.

 

The next night I caved, tried to call him - no answer - I messaged him saying i'm sorry too.

 

A few days later it's his birthday (last friday..) I message him happy birthday... why I had to cut the fbook link and that I know he needs to go his way.

 

Nothing back. It's been one and a bit complete day since I contacted him.

 

As mentioned as the start of the post, I went out last night, felt so lost, empty, thought about him the whole night...it's hard for me to move on not having any real closure.

 

Thanks for reading, any insight would be really appreciated.

[River Rain]

It's not easy to be with an insecure partner. My ex was terribly insecure and I was always reassuring him, but in the end, it wasn't good enough. He said the same crap as your ex, that he needed time, that it would be good for both of us. I certainly didn't need "time". We went back and forth until he finally said he wasn't ready for a relationship so he dumped me. We got back together last week, it didn't last. He was still way too insecure and projecting things on me, like your ex, that I'd eventually leave him. Well, that projection came true, but only because of his actions.

 

Going nc at this point, for me, is a must because being with him was such a emotional battle. I miss him and still love him but I can't let myself be engaged in any contact with him, because it hurts too much. I think that you need to remind yourself of the same thing. Stop contact until you can heal a little bit more. If down the line, you feel strong enough that you want to try contacting him without the desperation and hurt, then certainly go for it. But always remember that people rarely change, unless he's worked on his confidence, you'll have the same problems you had before.

[NavyAirTraffic]

He's broken and you can't fix him. You've tried, you've been his "counselor", you tried to give him confidence but it didn't work. He's broken, his self worth is very low from what you've said, he seeks validation and value from others but that can only come from within.

 

This is the only closure you need. You'll only be fighting an uphill battle, it will exhaust you, you're efforts have proven/will continue to be ineffective. This will lead to the slow death of your relationship unless HE fixes himself. You control only 1 thing in this world YOU. Let him go, move on. You can't wait for someone who is broken and doesn't know how to fix himself.

[sissy106]

I too was in same kind of dependable relationship where my ex have taken advantage of each and every possible thing that he could have made me do, and in the end left me in his good times without giving reasons.

 

All these kind of jerks are big "LOOSERS", u better get rid of him. There are lot more nice people around you, and among them he doesnot even deserve to stand.

[strummgirl]

Thanks River Rain. Sorry for your loss and pain too. Sounds like you've been through the motions with your ex... the positive thing is that at least you tried to make it work by getting back with him. You tried your best so no regrets.

 

You're right, I really need to heal before I could speak to him again.

 

I just keep blaming myself for this also.

 

Questioning why did I find myself getting worked about issues that didn't really go to the heart of it? i.e. feeling insecure about the other girls he would keep in touch with, instead of asking him straight up, if he was really ready for a relationship with me. I could've simply accepted and trusted him. Was I too afraid to get to the nitty gritty?

 

I'm now looking at myself, questioning why I couldn't get a grip on that aspect about him. Was this the real issue ? A combination of both our insecurities coming out ?

 

So my insecurity added to his... all coming out that horrible night like a pressure cooker. It pressured him to the point he looked completely broken ...so angry at me for feeling upset...

 

Were we both two insecure souls all along? It's hard for me to pinpoint exactly where it all came from. But he did say during one of the last conversations we had that he understood exactly where I was coming from, that he can see why I felt the way I did, and the reason he got so upset was because I was calling out the truth.

 

So it seems I gave him the wake-up call he needed - to get away and fix himself.

 

Maybe it was a wise move.

 

But it would have been good if we could've talked about it at little, really looked at a solution... instead to experience such an abrupt cut off, discovering how he could just let me go that quickly...the girl he was 'really in love with' - is a shock to the system and honestly, it all leaves me with a feeling of guilt - like it was me who pushed him away.

 

But maybe I'm feeling this way because for months he was in victim-mode and it started to mess with my head a bit.

 

:/

[River Rain]

But it would have been good if we could've talked about it at little, really looked at a solution... instead to experience such an abrupt cut off, discovering how he could just let me go that quickly...the girl he was 'really in love with' - is a shock to the system and honestly, it all leaves me with a feeling of guilt - like it was me who pushed him away.

:/

 

I am going through this...he disappeared on me Thursday afternoon and I haven't heard a thing, I had to break it off to protect myself, but like you said, the abrupt cut off is damaging. I believe I was in shock too, maybe still am that someone could so easily abandon me, his supposed loving girlfriend.

 

But reality hits, and you realize you have absolutely no control over the situation. You can't change a person or coax them into coming back and loving you the way you deserve to be loved.

 

I blamed myself intensely and I convinced myself that I pushed him away too. But that's all part of the attempt to understand the situation. After some time, you'll see things more clearly. *hugs*

[strummgirl]

NavyAirTraffic, you're right. I just hope that one day he WILL fix himself and come hunt me down.

 

I won't contact him. I'm letting him go. It's just so hard because I still love him.

[strummgirl]

... thanks so much River Rain. I really hope everything becomes clearer soon... I've been missing my mediation, missing my yoga. Can't wait to get back into it all again... sort myself out.

 

The sorest thing is that memory of how beautiful the connection was between us. To leave me is the one of the most hurtful things I've experienced...but I understand that I just to just accept the lesson...

 

Be grateful.

 

Hopefully one day I'll heal and be in a good place, ready for new joys with someone amazing.

 

Just couldn't see past this guy. Gawd...but he really couldn't have been all that if this is the result.

 

Same for you - did either of these guys really deserve to be loved / liked if they could have it in them to be so cold ?

 

Really makes me wonder what was going on with me to attract such a guy..hmmm. Defo time to heal. Take myself out on a date

 

*hugs for you too*