Author fanou22 Posted August 12, 2004 Author Posted August 12, 2004 kia, I like your idea of tights and cape...........
kiababy Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 That's such a drag, how old is the baby? Do they have any other children? My MM and his wife don't have any children....yet. That's the one thing I will find really hard to handle. I'll probably do a lot of crying....probably have to end it immediately......
supermom Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 Why do the MM get jealous when you want to see other men/date when they have another women living, married to him at home? Isn't that a hippocrite? Just wondering if you had brought that up when your MM acts like that.
HokeyReligions Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 I finally got through this thread. I don't know why I like to read the OW/OM threads--I'm not in or near an OW/OM position. I guess I just find it interesting to see so many different view points. Something that this thread has brought to my mind is that many of us (myself included) see or have seen an OW as a loser type who is not capable of having a relationship with a single man. Now -- hold on! Don't get your feathers ruffled yet! I have seen OW (and if I thought about it, OM too) this way. My gut reaction was "how dare they?" or "what kind of [expletive deleted] woman would knowingly DO that!" My second reaction after thinking about it was "what is wrong with that woman that she can't get out of the situation?" "does she have self-esteem problems, or fear of commitment?" "what in her needs to be fixed?" My next progression was to think "she can't really be happy!" "She's only living half a life - she can't be fulfilled" "She MUST want more" and I look at OW as always being sad or in a sad situation and needing help to get out of the situation. After having read so many OW threads over the last few months, I see that being an OW is not 100% of who the person is. What I mean is, the OWs life does not revolve around the MM. The OW can have other interests and other dates too. There can be much happiness and joy in the OW/MM relationship. They can laugh and be happy -- even when they are apart, because the joy for many is in the loving of someone else. Not all OW want out of the relationship. The MM's wife is not their concern --- she is the MMs concern. Sometimes, people fall in love in spite of a given situation (i.e. marriage) and that love in and of itself is not wrong. Some people are happy being the OW and not having to live with the day-to-day stuff that the wife accepted when she said I Do. I think though, that while some OW will talk about not having to deal with laundry or cooking, etc. and talk about how free they are to focus on only happiness in the relationship, they also have their equivalent of the drudgery. They have to tolerate the MM not being able to stay the night; sneaking around; not sharing friends and family get-togethers, etc. They are only swapping one set of problems for another. It's a choice of which set of problems they want to deal with. While I do think that the institution of being an OW/OM is wrong based on my own morality, I don't think that all OW are 100% horrible people who deserve only pain and misery, either. I probably wouldn't feel like that right away if I found my husband cheating on me---my first human reaction would most likely be to blame the OW. I'd get past that and begin to rail against my husband pretty darn fast. Our marriage is HIS/our responsibility, not hers. Also, I read about how people think about the MM and how weak they are, or how if they are cheating with one, they will cheat with another. That may be so---but don't we all accept some of our spouses flaws? Being a cheating husband is something some women will accept and others won't. I can't fault someone else for accepting something in a person that I won't accept. Okay, I've rambled long enough.
kiababy Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 When I saw your avatar my first reaction was to quake with fear....then I read your words. They can laugh and be happy -- even when they are apart, because the joy for many is in the loving of someone else. Not all OW want out of the relationship. That is so right, because it describes me. I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about him. I'm so happy to feel love for him, I'm happy that I can be totally comfortable around him because he accepts me and understands that I can't express my feelings in words...he holds me and tells me I'm beautiful and special to him. And I need that. I give him exactly the same thing back.
Author fanou22 Posted August 12, 2004 Author Posted August 12, 2004 Kia, The baby is almost 2 months old. They have another child that is 2 yrs, I think. I wanted to end when the baby was born but he argued every reason that I had to end our relationship. After that issue, I realized the semantics of our relationship. Supermom, Of course I brought it up that he should not be jealous considering his situation. This is why I say he knows that he will have to step away. We had discussed the issue of me being in another relationship and he knows that ours will end at that point. He also knows that he has no right to interfere in my life. We are both realistic people and we know that as much as we enjoy each other; one day it will end and we will only have the memories of it. In a way sometimes he makes me feel that he is jealous of the freedom that I have. I just hope that when it ends it will be in good terms. I myself know that sooner or later I will move away from the area where I live and that would also be the end of the relationship.
kiababy Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 Why do the MM get jealous when you want to see other men/date when they have another women living, married to him at home? Isn't that a hippocrite? Just wondering if you had brought that up when your MM acts like that. In my case, we were both seeing other people in the beginning, then as we started to develop feelings for each other, it started to bother him first...then me. It's not just jealousy that I might be intimate with someone else, he's jealous if I do ANYTHING with another man, all the stuff he wishes he could do with me - dinner, movies etc.
Author fanou22 Posted August 12, 2004 Author Posted August 12, 2004 Kia put the jealousy issues in better words than me.
lioness Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 Lioness, I just went back and read one of your previous posts.....he'll leave his wife in a year or two???? What if she becomes pregnant AGAIN in that time......? Kia - I had that thought too and told him so. He paled instantly, I don't think he thought about it before. I don't see why he has to wait until his son is older. I would think it would be easier to leave now than later, that is if he is really leaving. He will get to see his child no matter how little time he will have. It will be up to your MM to make sure that his son knows his father. Fanou - this guy's mom stole him away when he was an infant and kept him from his father. He found his dad on his own initiative when he was mid twenties. He is afraid that his wife will do the same thing, he said that she even said she would if he ever left her. SO many issues with him! You'd think I'd just get fed up and forget about it. As for waiting... if someone comes along, I'm not going to say no. In fact, I'm not staying home waiting for him, I go out, I have fun, I get my share of playing in. I WISH I could meet someone to get him out of my head and heart. I am a logical person, and even though my heart wants to wait... my head is telling my heart it won't happen, and even if we were single at the same time, at that point I probably would be over it. Kia and Fanou - you both sound SO centered and grounded. How do you avoid the emotional roller coaster? Or are you avoiding it at all? I know I sound really confused... thanks for putting up with me.
Taken_Angel Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 While I do think that the institution of being an OW/OM is wrong based on my own morality, I don't think that all OW are 100% horrible people who deserve only pain and misery, either. Very well put, you worded basically what I was attempting (didn't come out right) to say. I read the OW/OM posts and tend to want to respond because when someone is posting here usually it because they are seeking insight or answers. Anyway I agree "OW/OM" do not deserve misery and pain nor does the wife, I think every "OW/OM" has a right to do as they please but it is hard to not want to scream Can you handle what you do being done to you?? I want to be helpful and supportive to everyone who needs it but sometimes it is hard to listen to people glorify their actions and in the same token say they know it's wrong. I guess it would be easier to swallow if they didn't "know" what they were partaking in was wrong.
Bubbles Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 I'm going to jump in here hoping that I don't get attacked either. MM are only looking for a woman to pay attention to THEM. MM want to be looked at when they are speaking, they love it when they call your name and you answer quickly, they just want to be held and have their back scratched. Sex is one of the major factors but you know something? funny enough most of them just want the affection..............just like their wives who complain about the "lack of" affection they receive from their husbands. How IRONIC is that huh? Bubbles
Author fanou22 Posted August 12, 2004 Author Posted August 12, 2004 lioness, I went through an emotional roller coater though for a very short period of time. I felt like the guilty party in the relationship. Then I realized that hey I am not the one cheating on my significant other. I know he will never leave his wife. I have often wondered why he cheats until I started questioning why did he marry her. He comes across as the free spirited person who should not be tied down. I know he is content with his life but not happy. I have feelings for him but I know that I am not in love with him. The way I steer away from the roller coaster is being selfish (no matter how bad this may sound). I think about my id, ego, and superego.
kiababy Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 Lioness, we're not 'putting up with' you - this is YOUR forum too - as for avoiding the rollercoaster.....are you kidding???? We have good days, bad days and days we want to kick the MM to the curb. We're all in the same boat hon, but it's nice to have others who understand Bubbles - you are so right! My MM loves when I heap praise and adoration on him, sometimes he'll pretend he didn't hear what I said so I'll repeat it....and he'll say "I heard what you said, I just wanted you to say it again"! And yes, affection is part of it too. He likes to be held just as much as I do. My MM works construction all day, and when he comes over to my house he showers and I treat him like a handsome prince (he is), and not some 'grease monkey' as he puts it. Hmmm.....I wonder who called him that.........
lioness Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 Ahhh... and I treat him like a handsome prince (he is), and not some 'grease monkey' as he puts it. Hmmm.....I wonder who called him that......... Another reason they come to us! I know I give him affection that SHE doesn't. Even without a physical side to our relationship.
Bubbles Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 Yes, I know I am exactly right......there is a really good reason for that.......wink, wink, nudge, nudge Bubbles
Bubbles Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 I thought of something else..........sitting here bored out of my mind at work. I remembered when I was waitressing at the Strip Club. I can't tell you how many men would actually pay the girls to sit exclusively with them and just "listen to him talk" - honestly! No funny business! One of the dancers used to charge one of her customers $300.00 an hour - as I said "to sit and talk" She would come into work that evening knowing that her client had booked her and charge him to listen to him. Can you beleive that? And I'll tell you something......she made her money. I guess the guys wife must have been deaf or just did'nt care any-more. I felt sad for the guy....imagine having to pay someone to listen to you? To pay attention to you? I don't think he's the loser........I think his wife is the loser! So what does/should that say to the women & men out there who's s/o is cheating on them? That says that we need to stop focusing on ourselves so damn much and start paying attention to what you have right in front of you or........you're going to loose it! We as the OW understand what our MM need from us........simply put?...........attention, affection and understanding. It's NOT that hard to do. Bubbles
kiababy Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 ...... how many of the people who have put us OW down even know how important that is? I'll ask my MM how his day was and he'll start telling me and then stop and say "Awwww....you won't find it interesting..." and I'll encourage him to go on. Keep in mind he works construction and I make sales analysis spreadsheets for my boss all day; well sometimes he'll have the funniest story to tell about some little incident that happened on the construction site, but the story is buried within the details about how difficult the job was, how he burned himself with the blow torch again..........if you take the time and listen, you find out an awful lot about a person. This is a man I care about, I'm genuinely interested in what he did during the day, no matter how small, in how much pride he takes in his job. I don't see him as some dirty tradesman in a hard hat and a tool belt. In my eyes he's a hard working, skilled man, who wants to own his own company some day.
supermom Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 Don't you all feel like you're being cheated on too? I mean, he is with you and his wife. It's like the women are both being played. Do you feel like that?
Author fanou22 Posted August 13, 2004 Author Posted August 13, 2004 Supermom, To answer your question, I personally don't feel like I am being cheated. Nor do I feel like I am being played. I don't spend a lot of time with my MM. I see him once or twice a week. We exchange e-mails every day but we don't talk on the phone every day. In a way this is what keeps me kind of detached from him and away from the emotional roller coaster. I give him as much time as I can but I don't dedicate all my free time for him.
supermom Posted August 13, 2004 Posted August 13, 2004 Thats good, but I'm actually talking about the sexual aspect of it. Like when the MM cheats on his wife, he is having sexual relations with another, well what about you, or any other OW. He is telling you he loves you, but having sexual relations with another. I am kind of wondering if being the OW means you are giving someone permission to cheat on you.... I am not an OW, but I would think that if I was in a relationship with someone that was married, I wouldn't be able to share, just like me, as a wife, am not willing to share my husband. You know what I mean? Just wondering, trying to understand a bit
ringo Posted August 13, 2004 Posted August 13, 2004 Do you honestly think that if you are in a relationship with a MM/MW and that person leaves his/her spouse to be with you.... that he/she won't later (down the road) cheat on you too? Do you think that maybe they have a fantasy life with the OW/OM - by not having to argue about money, kids, work, family, etc. like they do in the "REAL WORLD" of married life?
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