Droplet Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 (edited) Hello everyone ! Looking for some advice even though I think I'm doing the right thing right now... Long story short, known this girl for the last five years. At first she was the one who chased me but I didn't want to be in a relationship with her because it would have been a LDR one and I didn't have a job at the time. She met someone else but we stayed in touch. When she broke up with her ex, a few months after, we met and decided to give the relationship a try. That happened three years after we first got to know each other. Our relationship lasted for almost two years and it's hands down the best relationship I've ever had. Never had any arguments and the small disagreements we had were resolved in a matter of minutes. Our communication was great and so was the sex. I'm the one who more or less taught her how to let go, how to enjoy herself and her body etc so she was really into me for most of the relationship and she was the first girl I could sincerely picture myself with for the rest of my life as she was also the one who did the most for me and my dream of becoming a pro musician. We had big plans for the future... She dumped me in July because she said she wanted to better herself because she felt she had to ( she is writing a thesis but feels she isn't good enough...though she is a brilliant student... ) and I was preventing her from doing that because she felt that I was too emotional ( was really afraid of losing her because I knew I wouldn't have any job this year because I would have to focus on my final exam so I can become a teacher so instead of simply telling her that we might not be able to see each other as much as we did, I freaked out for the last two months of our relationship ). She gave me the dreaded "still love you but not IN love with you"... When she dumped me, she started updating her FB page with cryptic statuses that I'm almost sure were about me, stuff like "Good is not enough" or In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." so it looks clear that she wasn't really sure that she took the right decision... Never begged, never cried on the phone, never harrassed her, gave her space but made the mistake, at first, of remaining her friend so we would message each other every few days, chat on skype etc... She even told me that "she still thought of me everyday, that she had nothing but great memories from our relationship and that she was glad that our great connection was still here, and that we could be FRIENDS"...to which I replied "basically everything is still there but the F-ing ?" and she said "haha yeah...", only to then admit that it was good and that she missed it... And then I realized that I was completely selling myself short, that this is not what I wanted, that I wanted a relationship with her because I loved her, that I didn't want to be her friend, or at least, not while I still love her. I then went full NC. At first it didn't seem to have any influence on her but after three weeks, she started to freak out or so it seems. You see, she is a very private person, she really focuses on her studies and her thesis, she rarely updates her facebook etc...After three weeks of NC, she started to behave in a rather erratic manner on Facebook : she would post pictures of herself posing, only to delete their caption a few hours later, and to delete the picture itself a few hours later too... I knew something was fishy and that's when she contacted me, asking me for news, and starting a few jokes. I responded but very calmly and didn't go into details. Her FB behavior then got even weirded, she started posting pictures of herself, talking to herself in the comments under the picture, deleting everything immediately.... Then after two days she posted on her FB page that she "needs to eat, needs to sleep :(" which made me kinda freakout so I made the mistake of telling her that "if something was bothering her and if she wanted to talk about it, it was OK". She litterally bitchslapped me with her answer "LMAO, on the contrary, everything is going absolutely awesome ! Thank you anyway :)" Haven't contacted her since, it's been two weeks. She has since not written me back either but she kept commenting/liking a few of the music that I have posted ( I am a semi pro musician ), some of my old pictures and stuff like that... Two days ago, she erased most of her facebook pictures, most of her career/educational info, and now her Fb page is more or less blank with only her current profile picture and some stuff...However she erased EVERY little thing that she posted since our breakup. I know that I project a lot of info from her Facebook activity but I know how she used to post and it was nowhere near that erratic and weird so...What do I do now ? I want to have her back but she doesn't seem to be willing to open so I have no choice but to keep NC... Edited November 4, 2012 by Droplet
Author Droplet Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 (edited) That's what I've been doing for a month and a half now and that's more or less when she started acting weird and contacted me ( posting pictures of herself everyday, only to delete them in a matter of hours, changing her status every few hours etc...I know it's weird because I know that she has very few friends on FB and IRL, I was more or less her only friend, and because she only rarely updated it ). My guess is that when I started to actually drift away she tried to get my attention by posting tons of pictures, changing her status every few hours etc... Like when you say "However, do not be too out there. you need to keep it all a little subtle" that's exactly what she did not do Anyways, I don't really have any hope that she would come back. As much as it sucks because I really care for her, even if she misses me, she is so terrified of screwing up her thesis ( this is supposed to be her final year ) that she probably thinks that everything and everyone else is expendable so she would probably rather miss me than go back into a relationship that she probably sees as time that she could spend on her thesis. I know that I deserve better than this. I'm not sure I understand her rather agressive reaction when I asked her if she was ok though... Edited November 5, 2012 by Droplet
Author Droplet Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 I guess you are right, and it's kinda sad because after five years of friendship you'd think she would refrain from using something like "I need to eat and sleep :(" just to see whether I still care enough for her to feel concerned... Lesson learned anyway. He who cares less is at the helm of the relationship...
Author Droplet Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 Thanks ! Will keep this thread updated in case something happens, otherwise : NC it is !
Author Droplet Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 Manipulation, manipulation... Tried something just for fun ( might aswell since most hope is gone ). Posted a Bukowski quote about music being similar to f***ing just so she could picture us doing it or, better, me doing it with someone else. She hadn't contacted me in the last two weeks...but for *some* reason immediately contacted me at 8AM this morning asking me how I was doing with my birthday coming and everything. Now I know that she's just trying to get a reaction out of me to test the waters because my birthday is actually week away from now so...I ignore that despite it being about my birthday right ? Let her have a taste of her own medicine.
Author Droplet Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 She asked me if I still plan to go to Paris this January ( to meet with some advertisement producers )... Asked "Why ?" Because she wants to see me. Told her I'm not sure this is a good idea or the right moment. She answered that she thinks it is ( another proof that she only thinks about what feels good to HER ). I answered that when I think of her, first idea that comes to mind isn't exactly "platonic friendship". It's less innocent and selfless than that and thus, I don't think it's a good idea and besides, I don't want to pretend to be her friend and sacrifice what I am about just so we can spend a few hours together. We'll see what she has to answer now. Probably something along the lines of "Ok" lol
Author Droplet Posted November 9, 2012 Author Posted November 9, 2012 I was almost right. Her answer : "Yes, I understand."
Author Droplet Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 "Yes, I understand"...only problem is she keeps writing me every other day ( to ask me what I got for my birthday, to wish me good luck for my exams... ) Didn't answer, and I feel like such a douchebag, but seriously, why can't she leave me alone when I told her that I don't want to be her friend ?
Sivok Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 You're doing a really bad job of NC. These days social media is so powerful that I truly believe removing her as a friend - preferably blocking her so you can't just search her name and view updated profile pics - would be called as complete NC. You said it yourself that she chases if you don't, and yet when you do bite she just plays you. It seems like to you, NC means 'don't contact her first, but respond every time she talks to me'... That's not how it works. Just seeing in this thread you're noting each time she likes a post you put up on FB - any sign of her communicating with you in even the slightest of ways is sending you on full alert and man, take it from somebody who's been there, it's absolutely exhausting. Remove/block her from facebook, DO NOT reply to her convo initiations, and just wait until she finally cracks and sends you a desperate 'we should talk about us' message. If she doesn't, then that's signal to move on. It's the only way you'll be the one in control, and the only way for you to start the healing process.
Author Droplet Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 I think you are right. What I've been doing for the last few weeks is that I didn't contact her but answered her mails briefly ( without asking any question in return ) but it clearly doesn't do the trick because she is always coming back for more and whenever I feel this is going somewhere ( and get my hopes up, like an idiot ), that she is warming up, or that I confront her about her attitude, she rubs it in my face...only to do it again in the following days. I'm really not used to this...The rare times I've dumped someone, I was sure of my decision, my feelings were gone, and I didn't even feel the urge to talk to the girl for at least the year that followed our breakup. It was a clear situation. I just don't get it...I mean I do, but damnit, it sucks...
Sivok Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 (edited) Yeah i hear you man - it sucks being on the other side of the table. The only way for you to get her back (if it even comes to that) is to return to being you. Right now you're acting like a heartbroken kicked puppy at the mercy of its sadistic cruella de vil. Unlike that poor puppy, you have the opportunity to completely block off that pain from your life and focus on becoming yourself once more - that badass, confident, swav musician that she and many other girls fell for. It sounds to me that towards the end of your relationship you started getting a bit depressed/insecure, and it sucks, because alot of people don't know how to handle their SO's at their lowest/worst (she definitely didn't, and wasn't willing to work through it either). It's gonna take time, friend, but you gotta be strong and persevere. Summon whatever willpower you can and dodge her at every turn. Trust me - you'll be much better off for it. We all get down in the dumps here and there, and it's not worth getting dumped over. And who knows - once you're back to being the true you - you may not want to get back with her even if the opportunity arises once more Edited November 15, 2012 by Sivok
Author Droplet Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 I hear you. Been dumped quite a few times before but this is the first time I'm actually having trouble dealing with it. I guess you are right : the old me would have never accepted that kind of treatment...and it's pretty insidious because she is posing as a caring friend ( I know that she still likes me and wishes me well...but not TOO well ) so it's hard for me to ignore that. I gotta do what it takes for me to feel good and not care about how she feels, exactly like she did when she dumped me and like she does whe she initiates all these pointless conversations. Anyways, she is now blocked... Sad but it's for the best.
Forever Learning Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 (edited) This is absolutely f*cking ridiculous. I can't stand all these type games. Everyone gets hurt with games, both you and her. They say honesty is the best policy, and I believe that to be true here. Tell her how you feel. Write it in an email or letter if face to face or over the phone won't work. Tell her you miss her and want to be back in a relationship with her. But that if she doesn't want a relationship, that you can't just be friends. This is an honest, up front clarification to her of what you want. Tell her that if she doesn't want to be in a relationship again, that includes sex and love and friendship, that you can't communicate with her at all, and must go no contact on her. Tell her you can't have just s friendship, it just doesn't work for you. Just be honest. Then, if she doesn't want a relationship, then go full no contact. She may initially say that she doesn't want a relationship, and you would then go no contact. A few weeks later you might hear back from her that she has changed her mind and wants to give it another try. Be ready for that possibility and decide if at that point you are willing to give it a try. But no games. Only clear communication. And no contact if no relationship, so you both can move on and heal. All the best to you both. Edited November 15, 2012 by Forever Learning
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