maysj18 Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 My boyfriend and I were talking about physical expectations in relationships and whether or not it's rude to, for example, tell your SO if they're getting fat. This is how I see it: I feel that it is shallow and rude to nit pick, like if the weight gain was 5 lbs or so. I also feel that, even with drastic changes, the other person needs to find out WHY it happened in the first place, rather than just lay it on them and expect them to fix it alone. My absolute best friend is one of the most beautiful girls in the world. She is very curvy and gained 30 lbs in 6 months. No change in diet, nothing. She was devastated and after the doctor's tests came back negative, she went on weight watchers and lost 20 lbs in a month. That's how dedicated she was, although it was extreme. Well, her ******* boyfriend never complimented her because he didn't want her to think 20 lbs was enough weight and that she needed to keep shedding the pounds. In his words, a compliment would have made her complacent. Even with her drastic weight change, I still feel like his expectations were shallow and down right absurd. So, what do you all think? When do reasonable wants and expectations turn into shallowness?
todreaminblue Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 My boyfriend and I were talking about physical expectations in relationships and whether or not it's rude to, for example, tell your SO if they're getting fat. This is how I see it: I feel that it is shallow and rude to nit pick, like if the weight gain was 5 lbs or so. I also feel that, even with drastic changes, the other person needs to find out WHY it happened in the first place, rather than just lay it on them and expect them to fix it alone. My absolute best friend is one of the most beautiful girls in the world. She is very curvy and gained 30 lbs in 6 months. No change in diet, nothing. She was devastated and after the doctor's tests came back negative, she went on weight watchers and lost 20 lbs in a month. That's how dedicated she was, although it was extreme. Well, her ******* boyfriend never complimented her because he didn't want her to think 20 lbs was enough weight and that she needed to keep shedding the pounds. In his words, a compliment would have made her complacent. Even with her drastic weight change, I still feel like his expectations were shallow and down right absurd. So, what do you all think? When do reasonable wants and expectations turn into shallowness? I don't know about this one i think if weight affects someones personality it becomes an issue.My ex used to change when I put on weight i had three girls by him and every time i got really fit, i fell pregnant that's a tell there......now i have dropped weight again doing it the right way this time and I am single......i don't want to be with some one who has issues with a womans weight and luckily it normally comes out unconsciously anyway.I wont repeat history.If a guy is attracted to me now i would appreciate his unshallow outlook on appearances.....if i drop more weight which i will no doubt and i date a guy who shows signs of disrespecting someone because of weight....its not going to be a second date i would wish him well on his quest ....i hav ethree daughters who may or may not put on weight or lose it or whatever i dont need a man like that in any of our lives we have been through enough together......i would rather be single and just be their mother.......deb
charlietheginger Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Imo should not matter if she gained 5 or 100lbs When your connected at the heart you love that Person reguardless of their weight... If someone cant love you for who you are then Your not soul mates... As we get older we loose hair get wrinkles Body parts move around some get bigger Some smaller.... As Sammy haggar sung in his vanhalen song " how do you know when love i cant tell you But it last forever....how does it feel when its love Its just something you feel together " Now do soulmates exist?.. Lots of relationships id say are convenance The people do love to a certian extent But rarley lift and complete each other..
kaylan Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 (edited) My boyfriend and I were talking about physical expectations in relationships and whether or not it's rude to, for example, tell your SO if they're getting fat. This is how I see it: I feel that it is shallow and rude to nit pick, like if the weight gain was 5 lbs or so. I also feel that, even with drastic changes, the other person needs to find out WHY it happened in the first place, rather than just lay it on them and expect them to fix it alone. I agree. Im a gym guy, but 5 pounds isnt too big of a deal. Im more privy to gym girls myself, so if anything wed work out together and both notice weight changes on the scale before we noticed them from looking at one anothers body. But yeah, suggesting someone work out harder because of a 5 lb shift would be too picky. And Id be annoyed if a girl did that to me. With more larger weight changes, like 10 lbs and up (which is more noticeable), Id say its ok to mention something to your partner. If I was dating a gym girl Id say "hey babe...I kinda noticed your diets had a few more cheat days lately" and wed take the convo from there. With a girl who was less into fitness than I am, Id suggest we start a meal plan and workout routine together. Of course Id examine why the weight changes happened...be it losing or gaining too much weight. But Id def want to work with them to fix it. And Id reassure her that I find her attractive, but that Id think shed look and feel even more awesome if she was this elite athlete type girl. My absolute best friend is one of the most beautiful girls in the world. She is very curvy and gained 30 lbs in 6 months. No change in diet, nothing. Calories in vs calories out determines whether you lose or gain weight. Unless your friend has a medical issue, or somehow her metabolism magically super slowed down in only 6 months, I can assure you one of the following happened. Either her diet increased in calories and her activity level stayed the same, or her diet remained the same and her activity level slowed down. She was devastated and after the doctor's tests came back negative, she went on weight watchers and lost 20 lbs in a month. That's how dedicated she was, although it was extreme. Well, her ******* boyfriend never complimented her because he didn't want her to think 20 lbs was enough weight and that she needed to keep shedding the pounds. In his words, a compliment would have made her complacent. Even with her drastic weight change, I still feel like his expectations were shallow and down right absurd. Sure it sucks that he didnt compliment her, but desiring her to be at the weight she originally was at, and thus going back to the woman he fell for, is not shallow or absurd. I could understand him not wanting her to become complacent. Many people whove gained weight, tend to lose only some of it, and then slow down their work once the compliments come raining in. Its common for people to give high praise for doing good work in the gym or with a diet. I know I give gym praise or diet praise all the time. However, no one ever says to folks that they might think they could stand to gain or lose more weight. People dont give their honest opinions much of the time because sometimes people take it the wrong way. So I can understand the boyfriend not knowing how to actually tell her he wants her to lose more weight, so instead he withholds compliments. So, what do you all think? When do reasonable wants and expectations turn into shallowness?I dont think its unreasonable at all to want your mate to remain the sexy person they were when you first met them. At least in the first couple years you are dating. After that time I think people start moving forward in a relationship and depending on age group, knowing that the body changes as time goes on. That being said, gaining a good amount of weight in just 6 months is much different. If I started dating a girl and she gained 30 lbs in six months, id be super turned off. I would have said something to her at 15 lbs. Because thats definitely a noticeable amount of weight on women, given their smaller size compared to men. Hell 10lbs is noticeable on the build of women I normally go for (slim to average sized). So 30 lbs is going to be a lot, and as a guy who hit the gym 4 days a week, I dont think its shallow of me to expect the girl Im with to upkeep herself over an inital 6 month period. Edited November 4, 2012 by kaylan
kaylan Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 (edited) Imo should not matter if she gained 5 or 100lbs When your connected at the heart you love that Person reguardless of their weight... If someone cant love you for who you are then Your not soul mates... This is fairy tale stuff. Attraction is not a choice. If someone puts on 100 lbs, I might still love her, but I wouldnt want to have sex with her because I would find her unattractive. And sex is an integral part of a romantic relationship. As we get older we loose hair get wrinkles Body parts move around some get bigger Some smaller....Aging is not an excuse for letting yourself go. Look at Helen Mirren. Im 26 and think she looks great for her age and Id give her a go myself. Look up the female bodybuilder in her 70s, Ernestine Shephard. Shes amazing too. Theres no reason to let yourself go and blame aging. We all age, but wrinkles and grey hair doesnt mean you shouldnt put the effort in to staying healthy and being sexy for your partner. Again, attraction is not a choice. And while love is amazing, people still have sex drives as they get older. And for those of us who desire sex, sex is a true expression of our love for someone. As Sammy haggar sung in his vanhalen song " how do you know when love i cant tell you But it last forever....how does it feel when its love Its just something you feel together " Now do soulmates exist?.. Lots of relationships id say are convenance The people do love to a certian extent But rarley lift and complete each other..I wouldnt use pop culture rock songs to explain love and attraction. Edited November 4, 2012 by kaylan 1
yongyong Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 OP you are just throwing absurd example (5lbs) to create an argument. (it's like a guy saying 'my income had been decreased by 10%, is it shallow if my gf leaves me? sounds really stupid huh?) Skinny Girls Gone Fat | ZootPatrol.com Look at those examples. If a guy decide to leave after she became like that, how can you blame him? Most guys do not belong to 'humane society'
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Weight gain would be an issue for me if the person developed unhealthy habits and refused to try to get to a healthy weight again. I would certainly mention it if my man had gained 10 pounds + . Physical fitness is very important to me. As for the non-compliment in losing her weight...well, he should probably have been more supportive since she was clearly making an effort. 1
xdahliax Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 The problem with this story is that there was a lack of support from the SO, not that he wanted her to lose weight. I would be resentful of him for that.
Author maysj18 Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 The problem with this story is that there was a lack of support from the SO, not that he wanted her to lose weight. I would be resentful of him for that. Exactly. I lived with her for three years and I know how she eats/works out. They had been together 6 years and just moved in with each other when all this happened. Who knows what it was from, but bottom line is that he knew her and how dedicated she was to anything she got involved in. He also knew about her extreme self-esteem issues, so he should've known that she would never become "complacent". That's the issue. He left her, emotionally, all alone to deal with an issue that affected her and their relationship greatly. Why couldn't he have said, "I'm so proud of you. You are looking awesome!"? That's what I'm getting at.
jolbell Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 If I noticed that my SO has gained weight, yes, I'll mention it. If that hypothetical SO then lost some, but not all, of the weight, yes, I'll acknowledge the hard work and encourage him to keep going. 1
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