ccaf Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 Hmm, ok, not to sound stupid about this and to preface I should say I am in my 30s, male so I know a bit about love/dating, etc but this one has me stymied. Broke up with the first real love of my life two years ago. Didn't date. Met this girl at a bar where she works and the connection was immediate, so much so I asked her out 3rd time I saw which I almost never do that soon but it was just... there. Slam, can't, boyfriend. But continued to go in, she is amazing, connection is amazing, on many levels (what we want out of life, stylstically, intellectually, etc). Anyway, never again bring up the date/romance, don't flirt per se, just great deep smiling faces a foot apart connected conversations for months, bf still in picture and I never cross the line (though she often comments on my clothes, how nice I look, asks for my email and gives me hers for "business" reasons, etc) I up the ante a bit with an email that refers to how much I think of her. No response. Go in to say hi. Ta da. She broke up with boyfriend she tells me pretty much first words out of her mouth (by now it is crystal clear that I like her to not only her but everyone else who works there and that we are kind of connecting). All the reasons she broke up with him come back to what we connect on, the things we both want out of life, I tell her a few things I think on that subject and she says it is the most beautiful thing she has ever heard in her life. Whew. Now I should have waited. But damn, it has been months of falling in love with her and living with 2-3 hours of seeing her every week or two while sitting on my hands so I wouldn't kiss her or just drag her across the bar onto some mythical white horse waiting outside. And I finally realized after first "lost" love I can not only feel like that, but more; she is everything I loved in the other girl but with all the things she was missing and much more like me and as opposed to the "other girl" who outside of being pretty/sweet I could not give a good reason for loving, this girl has every quality I ever wanted; gracious, graceful, sweet, strong, centered, feminine, self-possesed, mature but with the nature of a 5 year old, ambitious, smart, motivated, interested, interesting, creative. Oh and to boot f-ing gorgeous like light pouring out of her gorgeous. But I digress. I should have waited but the week before was an inviation it seemed and the next week I couldn't help it so asked her out (daytime date). She hesitated and said yes though I had kind of expected more.. enthusiasm and less hesitation. Beat the first answer though. When I left she walked over and kissed me on the cheek very softly and nicely and i returned the favor, a first for us. So. Did I mess up? And if not, how do I handle a girl who just got out of a long term relationship she thought was it but learned was not and is not seeing there are men who could be much more (me?) without becoming rebound, scaring her off, respecting her loss/pain, etc???
Author ccaf Posted August 3, 2004 Author Posted August 3, 2004 oy! I DID ask her, that was my point. An interesting weekly progression culminating in her break up but I asked her out the very next week, that was my point. Was she putting out green lights by telling me the very week she did (after I send the nice email), telling me she thought what I said was the most beautiful thing she heard, kissing me on the cheek goodbye or did I jump the gun and ask a girl out who had just broken off a two year live in relationship? That's the whole question; wait or snooze and maybe lose?
ringo Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 If she was in that long of a relationship... she may want to not date at all.... she may want to play the field... if this is the case - she may choose you as her rebound. Point blank... communicate with her MORE.... find out what you want to know.... just come out and tell her how you feel and see what she says.
Author ccaf Posted August 3, 2004 Author Posted August 3, 2004 Well, yeah, that is pretty much the point of having a safe "day date" to see what all this energy has been about. I think it may be one of those sucky timing things, i.e. she discovers what she does want out of life/love with me there but it is too soon after last one. I don't get the feeling she is a "play the field" kind of girl to tell the truth. I just think perhaps I should back off and let things develop and maybe should not have asked. If there has ever been one I don't want to blow, this is it; she is "the one".
ringo Posted August 3, 2004 Posted August 3, 2004 I sort of think you just answered your own questions there then huh? Back off, see what happens - but continue to talk to her as a friend. Maybe she'll make a move on you... you never know.... keep faith and be careful and always stay true to yourself.
Author ccaf Posted August 3, 2004 Author Posted August 3, 2004 Hi, sorry, not to beat this into the ground, the problem is she always makes a move in one way or another. Faux pas on us being on a date, arm touchings, leaning over the bar a few inches from my face, kisses on the cheek goodnight, comments on my looks, very obvious comments about what she doesn't have/like in her ex that I have, long unbroken eye contact, you name it, geez just the fact that the week after my "you are so special" email she breaks up AND lets me know? It is just that ever single time I move in ???. It is why I turned up the heat with emails, gestures and voila! she broke up with him. It is pretty much impossible now to "just be friends" since the only access i have to her is at the bar where she and everyone who works there is pretty clear on the attraction, if they are not her walking up to me when they closed last time in front of both mgrs and kissing me good night pretty much sealed it. So I am just trying to get this to a level where she and I can spend time away from the fishbowl; not a romantic carriage ride, not flower petals on the table, not hand kissing, just a walk in the park during the day where we can talk for once without prying eyes, customers or a deadline. I think it will all come together then and the plan (mine at least) is to initiate that and let the rest go as I think it will. Thanks for the input though, I probably seem pretty lame for an "older" guy and the thing is I'm not! I am just blown away by this girl and by the connection. I am more than half in love and unless my radar is off she is somewhere on the same path too...
Nemmy Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 Her interest seems quite high, so you're right to be cautious for fear of scaring her off... She is just out of a relationship so that gets tricky. Do you know how long she was with the guy or did you mention that? She will need some space but also comfort and a few laughs. If you can give her all those things then I think you have nothing to worry about. The hardest part will be to just be patient and let her signal the next stage.
Author ccaf Posted August 4, 2004 Author Posted August 4, 2004 She was with him close to two years, lived together, just moved out. Thought he was "it" but realized (I think in large part due to our conversations, me) what she really wants/values/needs for herself, in a man, etc. I told her that night what i thought love between two people should be ideally, she told me it was the most beautiful thing she ever heard. I think I am going to simply mention that I hope my offer for meeting (which she accepted) was not taken as being insensitive, that i know she just broke up, I just think we should spend time outside of her work and get to know each other, no pressure. it is very hard where she works, because a) she works there and b) everyone knows/comments, etc.
Nemmy Posted August 4, 2004 Posted August 4, 2004 Sometimes less is more if you know what I mean. Trying to rationalize your behaviour or how she's feeling is a guy thing to do, but not what a woman wants (based on what I've read). Knowing what I know now, I would say nothing of her breakup, your feelings, her feelings, etc. Just be light and easy and keep going out and having fun if that's what she wants to do.
Author ccaf Posted August 4, 2004 Author Posted August 4, 2004 Hmmm, not from my experience or from what I've read. Women don't always want *answers* to their feelings, they just want to be "got" and understood without "well, if I were you I'd do X" more of "I'm sorry, that must have hurt". The real $64,000 issue problem here is I cannot explore anything with her where she works, that is the only place of connection we have, and that has gone as far as it can go with everyone commenting in one way or another. It would be uncomfortable if she didn't have a bf or breakup. So I *asked* her out last week because I want to get to know her, take it slow, etc. in a way where we can be "alone" and really take the time to do so, if that takes weeks/months that is fine too. At the bar it will never work. So I asked and she agreed. The point was I got the feeling there was something else there, but she agreed, let me know when she was free, and when I left kissed me on the cheek goodnight (not really a thing one does with customers, especially there with hands-off policy). So now I have to follow-up but want to first make sure I didn't overstep or seem insensitive (oh wow too bad wanna go out with me?).
Recommended Posts