ReadyforLife Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Hello all! I have been MIA from the forums for over a year now. Since my last post, a few things have happened. First, we sold our house. I told my husband that I did not want him to move to the rental with me. He told me I could not stop him..so he came as well. Fast forward 6 months....I get a mortgage for a new home, he is the co-borrower. We were still having major issues. I called the broker, and was told that I could get the mortgage on my own. Husband would not remove his name. So, we ended up with yet another house together. Fast forward again to this summer. Things were calm, no major issues. Then, in October, we have a major blowout and husband says he will leave. I freak out, realizing I don't know how I would take care of everything on our property by myself....and am unsure if I can afford the house payment and the utilities. Husband decides he will stay. Mid October comes, and things are a little better. No more fighting, husband tries to work with me on issues. Here's the problem....I am now numb. I feel like if he said he was leaving, I think I would let him go. I have issues with being alone, and that would bother me, but would have to deal with it somehow. I feel disconnected from him. I crave affection and attention, but, not from him. I am not seeing anyone else. I am afraid to get close to him, or try to reconnect, because I feel like it's only a matter of time before the crap hits the fan again . I don't know if I can get back to where I should be. I am not even sure what my feelings are for him right now. Any thoughts or suggestions??
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 The only reason you want him to stay is to help you with the house and mortgage? Is that really it? I'm not judging you, it's not easy to do things on your own. But don't you think you deserve happiness? Life is so short, maybe you need to put the house up and go your separate ways?
Author ReadyforLife Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 River, That's the problem...I don't really know . I think I might be able to afford the mortgage. We have a lot of joint debt and cannot file bankruptcy. The problem is, I don't know how I feel. We have been through so much. I have kids to think about as well. I feel like I am afraid to try now.
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 River, That's the problem...I don't really know . I think I might be able to afford the mortgage. We have a lot of joint debt and cannot file bankruptcy. The problem is, I don't know how I feel. We have been through so much. I have kids to think about as well. I feel like I am afraid to try now. Gosh, I feel for you...I can't possibly understand though, I'm not married, no kids, no ties. I've always been so financially independent because I'm scared of just such a scenario. If you go about it logically...first, check your budget, can you afford the mortgage, but also can you afford the upkeep? Maybe you can learn how to maintain some things on your own? I actually went to You Tube to figure out how to replace my bathroom plumbing pipes when they rusted over. No need to pay a plumber. Just an example of things you can do on your own. It's actually quite empowering to become self-sufficient! But you really need to weigh the pros and cons with regards to staying in the relationship...it's hard to let go, but if the reasons are good enough, then it's what you need to do. I'm not in your situation, but I have been overwhelmed by my heart when my head should have been in control. And you have kids to think about, honey...what about couple's counselling?
Author ReadyforLife Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 River, Thank you for the concern. I have run the budget. It would be REALLY tight. I am not sure if I could keep the house, which in itself, is not fair to the kids. We have a very nice home in an excellent school district. Any apartment or house for rent that is large enough for 4 of us is more expensive than my mortgage! This is so stressful. We tried marital counseling 3 times. I went to IC for over 5 years. Today I decided to confront him. As usual, he started pointing the finger at me, how it's how I act, the things I do...etc etc. Finally, I spoke up and said, you know, I am not the one who puts conditions on our life, you are. There are conditions I must meet for physical relations, time spent with me, and anything other than a business relationship. I told him there was no way I could be perfect 100% of the time. Near the end of the conversation, he decided to tell me that it is his problem, not mine. He said that he has been treating the kids and I badly for a long time. He said he feels like "he's in a rut". He hates his job, and has no motivation to do anything differently. He told me it's like poison taking over. I told him that that's what has happened to our marriage and my feelings for the last 5 years. He said that he needs to change something, or he is going to lose everything in his life. I am hoping it isn't too little too late . I was in tears. Probably as many tears of frustration as anger and sadness.
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 River, Thank you for the concern. I have run the budget. It would be REALLY tight. I am not sure if I could keep the house, which in itself, is not fair to the kids. We have a very nice home in an excellent school district. Any apartment or house for rent that is large enough for 4 of us is more expensive than my mortgage! This is so stressful. We tried marital counseling 3 times. I went to IC for over 5 years. Today I decided to confront him. As usual, he started pointing the finger at me, how it's how I act, the things I do...etc etc. Finally, I spoke up and said, you know, I am not the one who puts conditions on our life, you are. There are conditions I must meet for physical relations, time spent with me, and anything other than a business relationship. I told him there was no way I could be perfect 100% of the time. Near the end of the conversation, he decided to tell me that it is his problem, not mine. He said that he has been treating the kids and I badly for a long time. He said he feels like "he's in a rut". He hates his job, and has no motivation to do anything differently. He told me it's like poison taking over. I told him that that's what has happened to our marriage and my feelings for the last 5 years. He said that he needs to change something, or he is going to lose everything in his life. I am hoping it isn't too little too late . I was in tears. Probably as many tears of frustration as anger and sadness. Getting him to finally open up and be vulnerable is a great start. Now you both just need to keep the communication open and hopefully find a way for him to get out of his rut. 2
Author ReadyforLife Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 I agree. I am just concerned that I can't take any more. I'm hurt, but I am tired.
20yearswhy Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 New to this forum: Here goes my story: I've been married for over 20 years. My husband and I went through some issues back in 2004. (Not cheating or anything like that). It was trouble on my part (with the law). Around 2008, when we would argue he would always bring the trouble up that I got into and throw it in my face. Everyone that I have talked to about my trouble have all said that I have to forgive myself first, how can I forgive myself or get over it, when it's thrown up in your face often. This has continued to this day. After we argue, I try and speak to him and ask him to stop bringing it up all the time and he says I know, I know I'm sorry, but continues the next time we argue. He's also very harsh with his words as well. I used to really fight with him over the way he would speak to me, but since my trouble, with him bringing it up all the time and his harsh words, I have grown more and more depressed and withdrawn. The last straw for me was recently, we were arguing and he accused me of stealing, I'm was so hurt I couldn't even speak I just walked away in a daze, confused. If you ask me do I love him, I would say yes, but I also hate him. I'm finding myself hating him more than loving him. Any suggestions on how to/or not to fix this?????
Author ReadyforLife Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 Well. I think there is a real problem that possibly has no solution other than divorce. My husband told me that he puts walls up against me and he won't put them down, and won't ever. We have a long complicated history, but, he had several affairs early in our marriage, drank alcohol heavily and was absent. I had a revenge affair, and it ruined my husband. He said he thought I was better than him and would never do that to him. Ever since this time, he has been mean to me. I feel like he is emotionally abusive. I could be wrong, but it's how I feel. He told me it's my fault he put these walls up and he doesn't have any reason to put them down. He said he thinks I will divorce him to get revenge for him treating me poorly
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 River, Thank you for the concern. I have run the budget. It would be REALLY tight. I am not sure if I could keep the house, which in itself, is not fair to the kids. We have a very nice home in an excellent school district. Any apartment or house for rent that is large enough for 4 of us is more expensive than my mortgage! This is so stressful. We tried marital counseling 3 times. I went to IC for over 5 years. Today I decided to confront him. As usual, he started pointing the finger at me, how it's how I act, the things I do...etc etc. Finally, I spoke up and said, you know, I am not the one who puts conditions on our life, you are. There are conditions I must meet for physical relations, time spent with me, and anything other than a business relationship. I told him there was no way I could be perfect 100% of the time. Near the end of the conversation, he decided to tell me that it is his problem, not mine. He said that he has been treating the kids and I badly for a long time. He said he feels like "he's in a rut". He hates his job, and has no motivation to do anything differently. He told me it's like poison taking over. I told him that that's what has happened to our marriage and my feelings for the last 5 years. He said that he needs to change something, or he is going to lose everything in his life. I am hoping it isn't too little too late . I was in tears. Probably as many tears of frustration as anger and sadness. Right now, you and your H book at holiday. Just the two of you. Even if it's a long weekend somewhere at a bed and breakfast. The love is there, but life has gotten in the way. Do it. Hire a sitter or ask a friend or family member to take the kids for the weekend. Your husband opening up and talking to you is a good thing and it's a starting point. Take advantage of it and just go have FUN. Remember why you married him???? Doesn't mean you have to make the weekend get away about sex, but it should be intimate..Holding hands, kissing, cuddling and just talking/laughing again. De-stress. Talk to him about this idea, okay?
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 Well. I think there is a real problem that possibly has no solution other than divorce. My husband told me that he puts walls up against me and he won't put them down, and won't ever. We have a long complicated history, but, he had several affairs early in our marriage, drank alcohol heavily and was absent. I had a revenge affair, and it ruined my husband. He said he thought I was better than him and would never do that to him. Ever since this time, he has been mean to me. I feel like he is emotionally abusive. I could be wrong, but it's how I feel. He told me it's my fault he put these walls up and he doesn't have any reason to put them down. He said he thinks I will divorce him to get revenge for him treating me poorly This is so different than your other post reply. You both have made some bad mistakes, bad choices. You both owe it to your kids to give it one last shot and try your best to fix things. If it doesn't work out, with true, and honest effort by BOTH of you, then throw in the towel.
Author ReadyforLife Posted November 11, 2012 Author Posted November 11, 2012 I understand how the posts changed. My husband was diagnosed manic depressive years ago. He took meds for a while, then said he didn't need them anymore. I think that is part of the problem. I think it's no use now. He told me tonight that he can't let go of what I did. He told me that he knows that I am not a bad person now. He said the bad person in his mind is me when I hurt him, and that's what he sees every day....not the reality of who I am. He said that part of him wants to get past it but part of him says that it would be stupid if he did because he would be open to getting hurt again, and he won't do that. He told me that he knows that our marriage is at stake, but he can't do anything about it.
Recommended Posts