ReadyforLife Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Hello all! I have been MIA from the forums for over a year now. Since my last post, a few things have happened. First, we sold our house. I told my husband that I did not want him to move to the rental with me. He told me I could not stop him..so he came as well. Fast forward 6 months....I get a mortgage for a new home, he is the co-borrower. We were still having major issues. I called the broker, and was told that I could get the mortgage on my own. Husband would not remove his name. So, we ended up with yet another house together. Fast forward again to this summer. Things were calm, no major issues. Then, in October, we have a major blowout and husband says he will leave. I freak out, realizing I don't know how I would take care of everything on our property by myself....and am unsure if I can afford the house payment and the utilities. Husband decides he will stay. Mid October comes, and things are a little better. No more fighting, husband tries to work with me on issues. Here's the problem....I am now numb. I feel like if he said he was leaving, I think I would let him go. I have issues with being alone, and that would bother me, but would have to deal with it somehow. I feel disconnected from him. I crave affection and attention, but, not from him. I am not seeing anyone else. I am afraid to get close to him, or try to reconnect, because I feel like it's only a matter of time before the crap hits the fan again . I don't know if I can get back to where I should be. I am not even sure what my feelings are for him right now. Any thoughts or suggestions??
aMguilts Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 hello ReadyforLife 1 question to you? it`s a simple one( sorry..i`m a simple person! ) What do YOU want out of your life?
Author ReadyforLife Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 I want to love and be loved. I want to be with someone who won't cheat on me. Yet, I am afraid I will never find that.
pcplod Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 Research it. Read about it. Consider whether it is handicapping you.
Author ReadyforLife Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 Well. I think there is a real problem that possibly has no solution other than divorce. My husband told me that he puts walls up against me and he won't put them down, and won't ever. We have a long complicated history, but, he had several affairs early in our marriage, drank alcohol heavily and was absent. I had a revenge affair, and it ruined my husband. He said he thought I was better than him and would never do that to him. Ever since this time, he has been mean to me. I feel like he is emotionally abusive. I could be wrong, but it's how I feel. He told me it's my fault he put these walls up and he doesn't have any reason to put them down. He said he thinks I will divorce him to get revenge for him treating me poorly
pcplod Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 (edited) I generally avoid giving people explicit advice because I know I carry my own preferences and prejudices and I prefer to think they can work it out for themselves. However, in your case, I have to suggest that he is so screwed up there is never going to be satisfactory solution to it. He is busy destroying himself but is determined to do his utmost to destroy you at the same time. To have a series of affairs and then react as he has to your affair as he has because he thought you superior to him is just plain perverse and frankly unacceptable. Calling him an utter hypocrite would not be adequate. You are emotionally exhausted and numb because your relationship with this man was always poisonous to you and now it is effectively and practically done. Much of your reaction is simply self-preservation. Personally, as I said, I don't think there is any way to fix this so perverse is his (alleged) thinking. He is a perverse masochist and would-be martyr and out to make you out as a sinner and an abuser when you divorce. He is pushing you as hard and as fast towards the door as possible but as soon as you divorce he is going to say "Woe betide me" and almost certainly press the self-destruct button by drinking himself into oblivion or to death. Don't let him manipulate and abuse you psychologically that way. He is an expert at this. Edited November 10, 2012 by pcplod
Eve Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 I generally avoid giving people explicit advice because I know I carry my own preferences and prejudices and I prefer to think they can work it out for themselves. However, in your case, I have to suggest that he is so screwed up there is never going to be satisfactory solution to it. He is busy destroying himself but is determined to do his utmost to destroy you at the same time. To have a series of affairs and then react as he has to your affair as he has because he thought you superior to him is just plain perverse and frankly unacceptable. Calling him an utter hypocrite would not be adequate. You are emotionally exhausted and numb because your relationship with this man was always poisonous to you and now it is effectively and practically done. Much of your reaction is simply self-preservation. Personally, as I said, I don't think there is any way to fix this so perverse is his (alleged) thinking. He is a perverse masochist and would-be martyr and out to make you out as a sinner and an abuser when you divorce. He is pushing you as hard and as fast towards the door as possible but as soon as you divorce he is going to say "Woe betide me" and almost certainly press the self-destruct button by drinking himself into oblivion or to death. Don't let him manipulate and abuse you psychologically that way. He is an expert at this. .. Well said. OP, go to counselling on your own. Commit to going no matter what for a set period of time. Also move to a rented property where you can afford the bills. I can see that your partner will more than likely follow. I think the you did the right thing initially in trying to place yourself in a financial position which you can manage but what was missing was emotional support to see it through. You strongly come across as currently not believing in yourself and this needs to be worked on seperately from the home via whatever support you can make sure is in place. There is a fair chance that he may leave as you get stronger but I would say that you need to still reach out and become stronger anyway... Take care, Eve x
Author ReadyforLife Posted November 11, 2012 Author Posted November 11, 2012 Wow. Can I tell you how unbelievably right you are?! We talked tonight and he confirmed that he is f**ked up. He said he never got over what I did to him, and may never. He said he knows it isn't right, but it is what it is. He said he knows what's at stake, but he can't change it. He told me he doesn't blame me for doing whatever I have to do. I have waited almost 6 years for him to come out of this, and we are at square 1. It isn't going to change. I am hurt and sad because I do care for him. We have been together for 14 years! I think partly he is trying to throw a guilt trip on me. He asked me if I am going to kick him out of the house.
Eve Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 Wow. Can I tell you how unbelievably right you are?! We talked tonight and he confirmed that he is f**ked up. He said he never got over what I did to him, and may never. He said he knows it isn't right, but it is what it is. He said he knows what's at stake, but he can't change it. He told me he doesn't blame me for doing whatever I have to do. I have waited almost 6 years for him to come out of this, and we are at square 1. It isn't going to change. I am hurt and sad because I do care for him. We have been together for 14 years! I think partly he is trying to throw a guilt trip on me. He asked me if I am going to kick him out of the house. I cannot advise on the bolded but do feel sorry that you are going through this - but you MUST be realistic. Bottom line is - you do not owe this person your life. See if you can have reduced mortgage payments (explain what is happening to your mortgage provider) and cut back on everything whilst you look for an affordable property. So, in other words, it may be better for him to leave at the moment. You need your own head space instead of having to manage him. I don't know how you can even be bothered... talk about guilt tripping! Please make sure you are well supported as you go through this. It will make you a better person in the long run. Whatever you do, start making plans by going to look at other properties. Don't wait for decisions to be lead by your partner. You do have to grow out of that now. This seems to be the core issue for you. Any further refusals, such as when your partner refused to remove his name from the mortgage, seek legal advice. I have no idea what the divorce procedure is but there must be reasons for his refusal which need to be managed appropriately, not emotionally. Take care, Eve x
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