NGC1300 Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 (edited) Let me preface by saying I've never been good with women and have spent years not even trying. I know I'm a good-looking guy; people tell me all the time. The problem is something of social anxiety. Anyway, I finally got back in the game and dated this girl I met online. She was absolutely beautiful, and I feel I did really well on the dates. I made moves and advances, and all that. After the very first date she would text me every moring and night with a whole bunch of smiley faces. By the 3rd date we got sexual and she didn't need any coaxing. However, I got some performance anxiety, and she just ended up giving me a hand job and I went down on her and whatnot but she didn't get off. She said not to worry, and that she still liked me a lot. She continued texting me all the time, and seemed really into me. By the 2nd or 3rd time in bed, we had sex and she claimed to be getting off. She may have been faking; I have no idea. But there was definetly progess being made. Keep in mind, all this time she was acting crazy about me. Always texting, bringing me stuff for my apartment, cooking for me, etc. By the 3rd or forth date she wanted to be "exclusive". She updated her facebook status and put pictures of us on there. I even met her parents. It all seemed like such a sure thing, and 3 weeks in I made the mistake of falling for her HARD. Then one day out of the blue, she just texted me and said she "wasn't ready" and I got the age old "need to figure myself out" excuse. I pressed her for the real reason, and she evetually told me she felt we were too "different". She also claimed she "needed more sexually", which almost seems like she just wanted to hurt me, because we REALLY WERE making steady progress. The point is, she straight up lead me on. She agreed to being exclsuive before really knowing me that well. The entire time I was with her was nothing but her showering me with affection. Tellign me she missed me, felt safe with me, etc. Then I get dropped like a rock. Please, at least tell me I didn't deserve to be treated like this? She broke up over 3 weeks ago, which is about as long as we dated, and yet I still feel crushed. It doesn't bother me that she broke it off as much as it does that she lead me on and claimed we were in a serious relationship. Why would a girl behave so recklessly? If she really liked me, wouldn't she have tried to work through the sexual issues? Edited November 3, 2012 by NGC1300
River Rain Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 Well, first of all nobody deserves to be lead on. And you're right, if she did care enough, she would have tried to work through the sexual issues, or any issue. Don't let this mess with your self-esteem though. It just didn't work out, and you can't control it. Just try to heal yourself and forget about her because that's really all you can do.
Balzac Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 "The point is, she straight up lead me on." Hmmm. Sounds as if she wanted sex to be exclusive. I can understand that actually. Maybe you can speak more to your conclusion that she led you on. It sounds as if romance moved aling very quickly. I can understand your feelings of insecurity in this aftermath.
Author NGC1300 Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 "The point is, she straight up lead me on." Hmmm. Sounds as if she wanted sex to be exclusive. I can understand that actually. I'm not sure I understand what you're saying?
Balzac Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 I'm commenting on her arrangement with you regarding sex. I'm asking you what leads you to the conclusion she led you on? I mean you admit you two barely knew each other. I'm not trying to be cryptic.
Author NGC1300 Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 I'm commenting on her arrangement with you regarding sex. I'm asking you what leads you to the conclusion she led you on? I mean you admit you two barely knew each other. I'm not trying to be cryptic. We were working through the sex issues, and she claimed to be getting off. I feel I was lead on because she agreed to be exclusive, that's all. Normally people don't upgrade to that kind of status unless they feel satisfied with the person they're dating?
Balzac Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 Some women choose only to have sex within an exclusivity agreement. At some point she may have concluded sex was a deal breaker. She may have her own sexual issues. She may not be capable of the specific nature of conversation that is required to work sexual issues out. You'll be guessing. Don't take her actions personally. Not enough feedback exists to personalize this.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 (edited) Sounds like a standard rebound relationship. She's not over an ex or someone else, decides to dive head first into the next best thing, someone preferably more trustworthy/safe...trying to build up this fake fantasy of a romance to feed into her validation and desirability only to realize that the next person isn't the one they are looking for, she finds herself emotionally disconnected and the sexual chemistry is off, which is further justification that she cannot fabricate that intimacy. After she realizes where she's at, and what she is doing...she slams on the breaks, you're too easy, you're too available, and for most women that makes them feel more vulnerable than the emotionally unavailable guy where she just chases after him even though he never gives her what she wants...at least she can settle into that mid-range push and pull and drama. Many women behave recklessly because they are emotional wrecks. They want one thing one day, then another the next...and when they get what they think they want they may realize that's not what they wanted after all. They don't typically think ahead and have a deep analytical process about things. They live on the edge of their seats, in the moment and when that moment has passed they may lose that motivation and drive...because it usually takes them a while to see what really is. You've got to take my word for it and just let it go, it's not going to make any rational sense because she's not acting out rationally...do you understand? this is emotions, emotions are erratic and unpredictable, especially for women who are in insecure, depressed and a needy state, which counts for most of them. You've got to also pick it up in the bedroom...work on the performance anxiety, rebound off a few women to pick up the pieces and build up the confidence again...you've got to be solid on all levels to really bring it together for these kind of women. Otherwise find yourself a woman who is just simply looking for a genuine relationship and isn't too damaged, maybe lower on the sexual experience and expectations...a lot of women out there just want to be simply loved, however this girl is a head case and out of your league at this time. But don't worry about it, just let it go and move on, trust me, it wasn't as big of a deal as you think it was, you're just in the moment but it'll pass in time. If you're capable just get through this without rebounding and take some time to yourself to recollect your marbles...however most people are not strong enough to pull that off, they need some kind of constant reaffirmation and interest so if that's the case, so be it. Edited November 4, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas 1
Author NGC1300 Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 After she realizes where she's at, and what she is doing...she slams on the breaks, you're too easy, you're too available, and for most women that makes them feel more vulnerable than the emotionally unavailable guy where she just chases after him even though he never gives her what she wants...at least she can settle into that mid-range push and pull and drama. I don't understand what it means to be "too available" or easy? I mean, I have my own life. Next time should I try to act more cold or less interested in the girl? Lie and say I have other plans? Hate to play these games, but I guess it's all a game?
Balzac Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Not so much. Be yourself. You got ahold of a crazy, possibly damaged woman. It's just how they are. This is about you ONLY in the sense that you are personalizing her "stuff".
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 I don't understand what it means to be "too available" or easy? I mean, I have my own life. Next time should I try to act more cold or less interested in the girl? Lie and say I have other plans? Hate to play these games, but I guess it's all a game? Yes the beginning is definitely a "game" for most situations...and for many, the entire relationship. Motivated by fabricating idealistic expectations fueled with insecurities and personal issues. When it's genuine and real, it's not really hard at all. That's why "player" like qualities are successful with women...if it was all a sham women would see right through it and they'd no success right? however it's about timing, making the right moves at the right time, a few sweet words and empty promises you never are expected to fulfill or prove, being great in bed, not being too available or too interested, maintaining emotional control, knowing a woman's insecurities and essentially as a man, not giving a damn. I hate to tell you this, but if you were great in the sack, emotionally unavailable and had more player like qualities, you would have probably been exactly this girls cup of tea...the thing is she just took you for a spin instead. Sorry man, worlds a cruel place with not a lot of sympathy for the openhearted. Everyone gets burned at one time or another...in fact that's usually how other people are able to treat each other with such callous and disconnected behavior. This is common for men, so try not to get too jaded about it, just realize she wasn't the kind of girl for you, if you let it eat you up you'll become angry and resentful and not the guy you are now. So instead just keep looking for the real thing and forgive her for her issues, everyone has them and I'm sure she didn't intend to hurt you in all honesty, she's just simply damaged and probably very scared.
Author NGC1300 Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Thanks for the advice. For what it's worth, I tried to stay somewhat distant with her. It was always HER texting me and asking to hang out. I guess where I went wrong was I was always there, ready and available.
Balzac Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Eventually you'll be able to sniff out "crazy" in the same way you can get a schnozzola full of puzzy. Crazy girls can be some fun sex but they're miserable LTR.
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Thanks for the advice. For what it's worth, I tried to stay somewhat distant with her. It was always HER texting me and asking to hang out. I guess where I went wrong was I was always there, ready and available. You didn't go wrong...you thought she was interested. Don't blame yourself. Just buck up and move on. Dating and trying to find someone special is so risky, and we may have to get burned a few times before meeting the right person.
Author NGC1300 Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 I hate to tell you this, but if you were great in the sack, emotionally unavailable and had more player like qualities, you would have probably been exactly this girls cup of tea. One last thing about this. It seems in addition to being great in bed, you're advocating witholding affection (to some degree) as a means of "keeping" the girl. Maybe I interpereted you wrong, but I don't really understand the reasoning behind this? 1
Author NGC1300 Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Eventually you'll be able to sniff out "crazy" in the same way you can get a schnozzola full of puzzy. Crazy girls can be some fun sex but they're miserable LTR. Yeah, looking back I can see the signs were there. Problem was, at the time I was too mesmerized by her beauty and took all her words and affection at face value. Never again.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 One last thing about this. It seems in addition to being great in bed, you're advocating witholding affection (to some degree) as a means of "keeping" the girl. Maybe I interpereted you wrong, but I don't really understand the reasoning behind this? No, affection has nothing to do with it. You can also express yourself emotionally. The difference is on the level of investment...you dove into this too quickly with her and made yourself too readily available, you let her emotionally take control of the situation and you let her be the leader of this relationship so she ran right through it. Women cannot typically handle that free-flowing emotional process nor do they even want to and likely think they should. You're the man, you've got to be the leader and pace the progress and question things when they aren't right. Women want to be reckless and they want you to be reckless to an extent as well, just not as out of control, they need you in control. Reflect on the relationship and learn from your mistakes so you know the next time, there are things you did that you knew you shouldn't have as well, things you should responded and reacted to instead of just let go, that's what it is important here. Inevitably in the end, you weren't the right guy for her regardless of what you think you could have done differently, that would basically make you someone else.
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Women cannot typically handle that free-flowing emotional process nor do they even want to and likely think they should. Women want to be reckless and they want you to be reckless to an extent as well, just not as out of control, they need you in control. Sad that this is truly what you believe. I hope you find someone genuine one of these days.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Sad that this is truly what you believe. I hope you find someone genuine one of these days. Well I should have again stated "some", I forget how important that is and I was primarily speaking in regards to this particular woman he was seeing. So this should be taken in the context of this situation and experience he has been through. I'll state again though "When it's genuine and real, it's not really hard at all." You have to realize there's a separation between "love" and rest that constitutes for most of what is going on, and that's "dating" or the "game".
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