abbxo Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 Cheers everyone! New to the forums so wanted to say Hi before I indulge with my problems/questions. ----- So here it goes: So approx. 2 months ago my fiance decided to break up with me and call off our wedding. At the time this had me very confused because we just started putting in offers to purchase a house and made some big decisions regarding the wedding. Recently I found out she started dating another guy less then a week after we broke up and from everything I have heard second hand is she is basically providing for him. He only works part time so shes paying for meals, driving him around because he has no car, etc. (I do know this wasn't going on before we broke up....it's possible he was on her radar though?) So as if that's not strange enough to me, here's another thing that gets me. Being in such a committed relationship there is still things that aren't settled that we are trying to take care of. After I found out about him, which was only about 2 weeks ago (she lied to me about the relationship) I decided it would be best to only talk when needed about important things. The times we have talked though it's sometimes feels as if we never broke up. She tells me stuff that's no longer of relevance to me and somewhat personal (nothing about him)....stuff that I wouldn't be telling her because she's my ex. The problem is I don't know what to make of any of this and being fairly fresh still it is taking a toll on me. As I have said, I have avoided contact with her as much as possible but she will sucker me into a phone call talking about our stuff and then all of a sudden the convo has switched to all these "new problems" that she seems to want my advice/opinions on. So I have 2 questions I need answers to: A) WTF is up with her? Is she just playing games trying not to keep me too far in case this new relationship doesn't work? B) How do I go about moving on? Should I just avoid speaking her all together and cut my losses on the stuff?
veggirl Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 A- yes she is keeping you around "in case". B- yes NC would be best, if you can swing it. As far as taking a loss on the matters you still have to resolve with her (assume financial?) it depends on how much of a hit you would take. If it's possible to wrap that stuff up quickly, I'd do it. If you can live w/o those things getting wrapped up, I'd do it. She is on the rebound and you don't want to get caught up in that, when the dust settles she will be a mess and probably regretful. Hopefully you will be long NC by then!
River Rain Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 One thing to remember is that you two were friends as well as lovers, so it's probably easy for her to talk to you about anything, despite the break up. You can't really know what she's thinking at this point, but what's important is what you're thinking. If you don't want to talk to her because it hurts you and stalls you from moving on, then tell her the contact has to end, and stick with that decision until you are in a place where you feel you've really and genuinely moved on.
Author abbxo Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 Yes it's financial and I definitely don't want to take the loss if not needed...but at the same time talking to her definitely brings out emotions in me I don't want to be feeling. Also I would have to disagree River Rain. Friends or not you simply do not go to your ex-fiance for opinions/advice on personal information, regardless of anything. She has a whole other support system which she could get advice yet she's choosing her ex-fiance....sorry but the way I'm looking at it is 1+1 is not equaling 2.
River Rain Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 Yes it's financial and I definitely don't want to take the loss if not needed...but at the same time talking to her definitely brings out emotions in me I don't want to be feeling. Also I would have to disagree River Rain. Friends or not you simply do not go to your ex-fiance for opinions/advice on personal information, regardless of anything. She has a whole other support system which she could get advice yet she's choosing her ex-fiance....sorry but the way I'm looking at it is 1+1 is not equaling 2. I guess that depends on the person. In my case I was able to talk to my ex about dating new guys because we both had moved on and were comfortable with the subject.
21flames Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 Either 2 things She was seeing him before She Was scared of commitment but even then to start seeing someone less than a week after dose not add up How do you know for sure? Did you have any idea she had cold feet? I feel for you man, just things I would question.
Author abbxo Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 River Rain: In your situation that definitely makes sense. In mine it wouldn't. She knows how I feel still and she moved to this other guy so quickly I would doubt she has had time to process anything herself. 21flames: She was definitely not seeing him beforehand. I think after we broke up she was just looking for someone to fill the void, a distraction from having to deal with the emotional side of the break up and clung onto this new guy. In my opinion (and strictly my opinion) she's just acting the way she is, paying for stuff, driving him everywhere, hanging out with him every second she has free to avoid dealing with reality and this way she's in control. He's simply a rebound, a distraction. Eventually she will have to deal with it but for now she's happy avoiding it. I'm only suggesting this because I feel the same. When I am out with friends, family, keeping busy it's easy to not think of her. It's in that down time when I am alone that's tough. All she's doing it looking for a distraction to avoid the down time so she does not have to deal with it. Again I may be wrong too.
lebronfan1 Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 My ex broke up with me about 3 weeks ago because i lied to her about me losing my job. there hasnt been any contact with her, and i found out today that she is hanging out in a group which consists of her best friend for years and her husband. the husbands brother is my ex gf's brother. They were together for a few years about 6 or 7 years ago. they broke up, he went over seas for 4 years and now hes back in town. tonight i found out that my ex is hanging with her ex and her best friend. after 3 weeks that we've been broken up. Is this common people? Im tryin now to foocus on getting my career started and showing her that i am focused and ready to settle down. I need ur help people. What should i do and any advice u guys can give me. Me and my ex were together for 2 1/2 years and we talked about our future many times, having kids, getting married. We have bought furniture, all sorts of supplies for a house when we were going to buy one. putting back money for rent, everything. Now, seems like its all gone with us. Need ur help. Thank you.
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 River Rain: In your situation that definitely makes sense. In mine it wouldn't. She knows how I feel still and she moved to this other guy so quickly I would doubt she has had time to process anything herself. 21flames: She was definitely not seeing him beforehand. I think after we broke up she was just looking for someone to fill the void, a distraction from having to deal with the emotional side of the break up and clung onto this new guy. In my opinion (and strictly my opinion) she's just acting the way she is, paying for stuff, driving him everywhere, hanging out with him every second she has free to avoid dealing with reality and this way she's in control. He's simply a rebound, a distraction. Eventually she will have to deal with it but for now she's happy avoiding it. I'm only suggesting this because I feel the same. When I am out with friends, family, keeping busy it's easy to not think of her. It's in that down time when I am alone that's tough. All she's doing it looking for a distraction to avoid the down time so she does not have to deal with it. Again I may be wrong too. Just to give you a bit of perspective on my end. This is what I did when my ex broke up with me the first time. The day after, I was on dating sites, chatting with men and really diving head first into meeting someone. It was definitely a coping mechanism to help keep me distracted and to try to help me find my self-esteem again. I'm sure I was rebounding, but it was the only thing that helped me feel like I was desirable. I never took anything to the point of actually meeting in person, it was more flirtation on my part. I was able to deal with things a little more slowly that way because all of it at once was too overwhelming. So you might be right that she's trying to simply fill the void, for what it's worth. It didn't mean that I loved my ex less, or devalued the time we were together though.
lebronfan1 Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Yeah i understand, but why do back to her ex and hangout? she said that when we broke up she was gna focus on saving her money and move into her own place. what is she doing?
Author abbxo Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Just to give you a bit of perspective on my end. This is what I did when my ex broke up with me the first time. The day after, I was on dating sites, chatting with men and really diving head first into meeting someone. It was definitely a coping mechanism to help keep me distracted and to try to help me find my self-esteem again. I'm sure I was rebounding, but it was the only thing that helped me feel like I was desirable. I never took anything to the point of actually meeting in person, it was more flirtation on my part. I was able to deal with things a little more slowly that way because all of it at once was too overwhelming. So you might be right that she's trying to simply fill the void, for what it's worth. It didn't mean that I loved my ex less, or devalued the time we were together though. Correct! Obviously her situation has escalated to something more physical then yours but I see it as a coping mechanism as well. I don't have any doubts that she valued our time together either. I just know you simply cannot get over a 3 year relationship to someone you loved and had agreed to spend the rest of your life with in less then a week.
Author abbxo Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Yeah i understand, but why do back to her ex and hangout? she said that when we broke up she was gna focus on saving her money and move into her own place. what is she doing? Same situation as my ex and what River Rain was talking about. There's a void to fill. Perhaps he makes her feel desirable. Some people are insecure and simply cannot be alone.
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Correct! Obviously her situation has escalated to something more physical then yours but I see it as a coping mechanism as well. I don't have any doubts that she valued our time together either. I just know you simply cannot get over a 3 year relationship to someone you loved and had agreed to spend the rest of your life with in less then a week. Absolutely not. I was only with the ex for 5 months total, we had nc for a month, then got back together last week...nothing changed so I had to break it off this morning sadly. Even though I still love him, I have to force myself to move on. Your original question was how to move on. There's no tried and true formula, it's so subjective. I think that breaking off contact is the best way to do it, at least in the short term because the emotions are still really volatile. You need distance in order to sort through the hurt. Like I said, in my case it was only a month before he and I were able to talk openly about a lot of things without the pain attached to it. But in your case it might take longer. I just think it's so important not to put your life on hold, life is so short, we all deserve happiness. It's important to grieve and work through the pain, anger and betrayal of course, but within a reasonable time frame. Having contact will hinder that process for most people.
lebronfan1 Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 yeah i understand. So what advice would u give me to show her that im a mature adult and that im the one that she belongs with. Focus on my career, getting my own place,????
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Same situation as my ex and what River Rain was talking about. There's a void to fill. Perhaps he makes her feel desirable. Some people are insecure and simply cannot be alone. It's not so much about insecurity, it's about coping. Some people cope better alone, others want to reach out and connect.
Author abbxo Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 yeah i understand. So what advice would u give me to show her that im a mature adult and that im the one that she belongs with. Focus on my career, getting my own place,???? Don't contact her and just keep doing what you're doing. Focus on you! You can't change her mind or make her realize anything, that's a conclusion she has to come to on her own terms. You and I friend are going through what appears to be a similar situation. Just stay strong, I'm trying my best as well. 1
21flames Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 yeah i understand. So what advice would u give me to show her that im a mature adult and that im the one that she belongs with. Focus on my career, getting my own place,???? You shouldn't have to show her anything, if she want's to be with you it is down to her to show you it is you that she want's, which she has not done so far! Don't go begging and blubbering, read other posts on here it will just push her further away. She is not a mature adult or she would have discussed it with you and not walked away. Stay strong
lebronfan1 Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Ok, so any idea why she is hanging out with her ex that she hasnt been with in 7 years?
lebronfan1 Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 I know that i shouldnt have lied to her. Its the worst thing i couldve done. I really think they we belong together we have been through so much and have discussed our future together many times. I feel that if i continue my career path and achieve my goal that hopefully she'll see that and the good lord will bring us back together. If its meant to be it will happen. thats the way i look at it.
Recommended Posts