Two musings on likely jerk behavior

[Pompom]

1) I am fat. I have a slim face and delicate wrists, but I'm fat. People on the internet tend to tell me otherwise and I tend to tell them to please go and eat sh.. because I hate being accused of having an eating disorder and distorted body image - that accusation is humiliating, slanderous, and insulting. And I get it all the time. I do not understand why people insist a slim face must come with a slim body and why they insist to know better than the person in question. Tall men can have short penises, right? And big bellies can walk on normal legs, right? So why can my bodyfat not credibly concentrate around my belly, ass and thighs, leaving my cheeks hollow and my jawline sharp?

 

So, I have an OLD profile where it says "Full woman" in Hebrew and on the English mirror it's "Rubenesque" because that's the biggest the drop-down menu has to offer. I entered a high weight, a few kilos short of my actual weight because while the visual difference would be insignificant, psychology dictates that three digit numbers sound 10 times fatter than 2 digits, even when talking about 99 versus 100 kilograms. That's why idiots spend $50 on gas to drive to a remote shop to buy something for $99.99 because it's "cheaper" than the local shop asking $100. Seriously, I have seen myself with both my actual and the displayed weight and there is no difference in my appearance, not even in clothing fit.

I uploaded pictures there mostly of my face, but also 3 full body pictures. What more can I do?

 

So they tell me I'm gorgeous, absolutely want to meet, blah, and so many men say they like women who enjoy life and good food rather than nibbling salads (though I don't know what's wrong with a good salad, I love some salads way more than burgers). But while they claim they want an easygoing woman who is not too concerned about her appearance or social norms or beauty ideals, the practical manifestation of this seems to put them off. I'm not talking Donna Simpson. I do not take more than my own seat on a plane.

And then, when they meet me, after having read my stats and seen my pictures, their eyes flash down to my ass for a split nanosecond and that's the last I've heard of them. Some are "polite" by sticking around for some more small-talk, but some, and that includes past clients from when I still hooked, would complain to me or on forums about my being much bigger than the pictures suggested. Is "Rubenesque" such an exotic word that those idiots don't know what that means? And some men would email me "Do you really weigh that much? No way. Come on, tell me the truth." - come the **** on!

I can't possibly write "I'm fat" in my profile in addition to the drop-down stats, that sounds like a huge insecurity. And then they'd be even more eager to not believe me and think I just got issues. I say I'm fat and they bombard me with angry and below-the-belt messages of how disgusting I am for making fun of people with eating disorders by acting like them and feigning body image distortions because I am "clearly not fat".

 

These are 2 of my OLD pics, I mean, does this look slim to anyone? Even my face looks fuller in those than it actually is.

http://666kb.com/i/c8nz2ulurwg1w3lkq.jpg

http://666kb.com/i/c8nz5026rufnynk6y.jpg

 

2) So yesterday I was supposed to meet this guy who was a real nagger on that OLD site. He absolutely wanted to meet me. His enthusiams almost annoyed me. I'm rather quiet even when ecstatic. He loves to cook and bake real intricate, appealing stuff, and enjoys sharing this with a woman. When I was sick, he offered to bring me some soup, and when I finally called 2 nights ago to set a time and place for our first meeting, he was totally excited. So was I, until he asked about my body type - slim or full? WTF, so I tell him full and ask him if he hasn't seen the pictures. He says no, I send him a link to my Facebook album of me. He says he saw beautiful pics. All seemed well. He even announced he'd have a cake ready for us to share.

 

So last night, I got into his car, him still excited, going "Whazzaaap" again and again, but 100 meters into our ride, he suddenly says "This isn't working out, I'm taking you home". So he cooks, he bakes, he knows I'm big, he wants to stuff me for our first date, but my very fitting physique is a problem. I'm guessing it's that, because I was not being unpleasant or anything, I was showered, well-dressed, friendly, the only thing "wrong" with me, was being fat.

 

So now I wonder, was he a jerk for rejecting me after all that enthusiasm, or was he being a gentleman for telling me BEFORE wasting my time at his place only to never call again? I mean, I wasted cab fare, I was bummed out, but he was honest and took me home. My mom, who's usually quite forgiving of guys being twats, told me he's the biggest ******* of all times, I don't know, it does seem mean to get my spirits up only to reject me 5 minutes into our date, but his quick response to the situation may have saved me more false hope and disappointment. And honestly, in real life he seemed a bit boring, so I'm not sad.

So how does he compare to "general" men on dates, was he being a jerk or a gentleman?

[xdahliax]

I don't understand what is wrong with this man. He was incredibly rude. I would expect a man who has seen your pictures and who you've spoken to before to at least follow through on the date and give you a chance. I don't see what could possibly have changed his mind so drastically that he's offering to care for you when you're sick and then just driving you home.

 

I don't think you should add the "I'm fat" bit on your profile, it does sound insecure. I think you should just keep on doing what you're doing. The issue here is with him, not with you.

 

Also, if you weigh little over 99 kg, your picture is representative of that weight. There should be no surprises.

[Under The Radar]

But at least he didn't waste any more of your time. Sorry this happened to you.

[River Rain]

Jerk. You'll never know the real reason though, I wouldn't assume it's because of your weight. And by the way, you are very pretty. I'm jealous of your hair! The picture with your dog, your arms look really slim, so maybe that could be deceiving to men who don't understand what a rubinesque gal is supposed to look like. But if you have the other one next to it, I don't see how they could be surprised when they meet you. You haven't misrepresented yourself at all.

[Ninjainpajamas]

They're obviously not feeling any chemistry or attraction...why they haven't noticed or realized what you look like from your pics is beyond me.

 

It's one thing to have these very misleading photos and personally I don't know what the hell "Rubenesque" is, I've never heard of that term, but then again I've only ever been on OKcupid which was good enough for my taste.

 

It's typical for men to look at pictures first, then your "stats" and then make a decision of whether to read the rest of your profile. However I've heard from many women I've talked to about online dating, say that most guys aren't reading their profiles, and knowing guys it's not surprising and they're just trying to get the ball rolling right away...a lot are like little kids that can't wait to get out of the car and play on the jungle gym, any rules or instructions are in one ear and out the other because they are overly excited almost by what they see.

 

With this last guy I think he was being a jerk, and rude, yet ultimately honest. I don't give men a lot of credit for much because I know their true nature, so to me it's one or the other.

 

A guy is either going to...

 

A)pretend to be nice out of the sake of showing respect, however fear the chance of leading you on and basically not wanting to be there

 

B) be completely inconsiderate and rude, and just make it obvious and apparent that they are not interested

 

I'd have to say that even though guy A is more "nice", guy B is less misleading, so for the sake of having to choose between the two I'd say B for women is likely the way to go. Otherwise she'll sit around and wait for the call, thinking you had a great time with possibly an "amazing" guy, and then she feels like she really missed out, because let's face it, women give way too many chances and bend way too much to conjure up the "potential" of a man If they've already decided they want him.

 

Now you can walk away knowing straight-forward and honestly what this guy feels, i don't think I'd give the guy credit for being a good guy or anything, after all he wasn't doing it for your own good or because he respected you but because it did not please him.

 

I think it's sad that people treat each other this way in general, but the dating world is known to be one of the coldest places on earth so it's not really unexpected, although always surprised of the extent people are willing to devalue each other.

 

I would say put up full body pics, no face shots, let them see the whole package...otherwise I wouldn't expect you to have to announce your weight and body type over and over again, yet if there is a consistent pattern to all of this, maybe there is something else you can think of to put up a bigger warning...after all it's you who's got to go out there and deal with this negative experience...so even though they "should" be seeing your full body pics or reading your weight description (which i dont know why its necessary with your pics if you actually look that way and no considerably more in real life) I wouldn't expect them to change unless you do something different about it, people are like mice, they follow certain psychological queues, sometimes you just gotta move the cheese to make them go a different way.

[kaylan]

He was sorta into you initially, but not over the top attracted to you. He tried to give you a chance, but realized during the date that it wasnt going to work out for him and just didnt want to waste time. The reality is most men arent going to be that attracted to a bigger woman, unless he is that size himself. Its biology as much as it is social conditioning. Thems the breaks. At least the guy cut bait, albeit abruptly and rudely, before sex or leading you on.

 

The end.