Author suladas Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 When you start to obsess about the "why"...it's never ending. I know you got hurt, I know how that feels. But at some point you need to accept that it was out of your control and that it's over. You deserve happiness and you must do everything in your power to move on. Would you rather be empty and bitter, or happy and grateful? You don't have to be nice to her, every one here has chimed in that you can simply ignore her. Living near each other sucks! But you have to find a way to deal with it. Try to forget about all of this tonight on your date though. Imagine kicking that tree I felt like I had accepted it and was completely over it, until seeing him, then starting to question everything. I've been bitter a few times and gotten back to happy, I know I will again. Ya I guess ignoring her will do the trick. Ya living next door has made it really tough.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Yeah, the text is a tragically awful idea. I really hope you never do that. 1
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 I felt like I had accepted it and was completely over it, until seeing him, then starting to question everything. I've been bitter a few times and gotten back to happy, I know I will again. Ya I guess ignoring her will do the trick. Ya living next door has made it really tough. It just takes time, not easy when you are at risk of seeing her every time you walk out your door though. But the important thing isn't what she's doing, it's how you react to it. I'm glad you decided to talk here tonight, it stopped you from sending a text or saying something you surely would have regretted. And also, if you'd done that, you'd have brought yourself right back to square one of your healing process too. I hope you have a good date, free of thoughts of your ex!
Minka333 Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Do not give anybody*the power that they still affect you. No matter how pissed you are. Do not help validate their true selfish nature. If she isn't even affected that you're out of her life, then she could care less about your reaction as well. Sometimes when you pour your anger out and share your most honest, deep feelings with people, who no longer care...their half-hearted reactions only hurt you even more. Nothing you can say or do will hurt them if they think they are happy with their decision. So it makes sense to just vent your annoyance by kicking a tree instead.
Author suladas Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 It just takes time, not easy when you are at risk of seeing her every time you walk out your door though. But the important thing isn't what she's doing, it's how you react to it. I'm glad you decided to talk here tonight, it stopped you from sending a text or saying something you surely would have regretted. And also, if you'd done that, you'd have brought yourself right back to square one of your healing process too. I hope you have a good date, free of thoughts of your ex! Oh it has been rough, I figure any future BU will be a cakewalk compared to this one, and i've learned a lot from it. I didn't plan to text her before until I knew for sure what the deal was, but ya i'm really glad you LS people talked me out of it Seeing it did set me back today, but I guess it's a good thing that nothing else can surprise me, there's nothing left at all. But I also realized I jumped to a huge conclusion, seeing them get into her car together means nothing, i'd say the more likely chance is it's not a date. I mean 2 days after the BU I seen her outside with a guy and it turned out 2 guys from her church were coming over to help her with some stuff. Just going to do my thing and not do anything I might regret. Date was cancelled a close friend of hers passed away this week, she was still going to go but decieded last minute to just stay home, which I was perfectly ok with, there's always next weekend.
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Oh it has been rough, I figure any future BU will be a cakewalk compared to this one, and i've learned a lot from it. I didn't plan to text her before until I knew for sure what the deal was, but ya i'm really glad you LS people talked me out of it Seeing it did set me back today, but I guess it's a good thing that nothing else can surprise me, there's nothing left at all. But I also realized I jumped to a huge conclusion, seeing them get into her car together means nothing, i'd say the more likely chance is it's not a date. I mean 2 days after the BU I seen her outside with a guy and it turned out 2 guys from her church were coming over to help her with some stuff. Just going to do my thing and not do anything I might regret. Date was cancelled a close friend of hers passed away this week, she was still going to go but decieded last minute to just stay home, which I was perfectly ok with, there's always next weekend. Oh what a shame. Well you're optimistic, there is next weekend I think that your emotions get the better of you. I know because I'm the same way. It's good to step back in that situation and talk it out. You have to make yourself happy again. It still stings when we're betrayed, but it's so harmful to hold on to it like that.
Author suladas Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Do not give anybody*the power that they still affect you. No matter how pissed you are. Do not help validate their true selfish nature. If she isn't even affected that you're out of her life, then she could care less about your reaction as well. Sometimes when you pour your anger out and share your most honest, deep feelings with people, who no longer care...their half-hearted reactions only hurt you even more. Nothing you can say or do will hurt them if they think they are happy with their decision. So it makes sense to just vent your annoyance by kicking a tree instead. Ya I guess. My though was how it would make me feel, which is all I really care about. But in the end, it couldn't help me only hurt me so ya not a good idea. Ya I have no idea what she is thinking so it couldn't help me. I believe there is a good chance her intentions were nothing but good, but I really don't know. I viewed how she handled the BU badly, but in hindsight it really wasn't at all.
Author suladas Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Oh what a shame. Well you're optimistic, there is next weekend I think that your emotions get the better of you. I know because I'm the same way. It's good to step back in that situation and talk it out. You have to make yourself happy again. It still stings when we're betrayed, but it's so harmful to hold on to it like that. Ya she's cool and i'm not in a rush to meet someone, can't say for sure if i'm ready for a RS yet anyway. Being my first RS, ya my emotions have been crazy, and not something i'm use to. I rarely show emotion, or do anything quickly without thinking it through. But at the same time, i'm going through a bad shoulder injury and fighting with workers compensation and it happened 2 weeks after the BU, and that has been really testing my emotions to, i've actually cried a few times about that to because of how stressful it has been and no end in sight. These two things have definately made it the toughest few months of my life.
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Ya she's cool and i'm not in a rush to meet someone, can't say for sure if i'm ready for a RS yet anyway. Being my first RS, ya my emotions have been crazy, and not something i'm use to. I rarely show emotion, or do anything quickly without thinking it through. But at the same time, i'm going through a bad shoulder injury and fighting with workers compensation and it happened 2 weeks after the BU, and that has been really testing my emotions to, i've actually cried a few times about that to because of how stressful it has been and no end in sight. These two things have definately made it the toughest few months of my life. It all seems to come at the same time. When the ex dumped me, I had a dog on death's door, my car needed a new gas tank, and I was sitting in limbo waiting to see if my biopsy was skin cancer (thankfully it was benign!!)...and my dog got better...still broke from the car repairs though! All of these stresses really test our resolve and we end up much stronger in the end. I think you're doing okay as long as you keep that anger in check! Remember, you guys are not together anymore, she can date if she wants, and you just don't care anymore.
Author suladas Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 I'm a little confused...how do you know she didn't just meet this guy? and was she not allowed to date eventually? Even if she said she didn't want to date at the point when you split up, is she not allowed to change her mind? I'm definitely missing something here. Don't get me wrong I can understand being saddened or hurt to see her moving on, but I'm not following the anger at her lying. She might of just met him, but I don't see why that matters. What it means is, it's been almost 3 1/2 months, she said she wasn't ready didn't have time, needed to spend more time with her kids, get things figured out, etc. It was somewhat true, but at the same time I told her it was fine if she didn't have much time and was quite busy. The reason that it means she is lying is that she said it wasn't me, it was that she didn't want anyone. If she changed and was ready obviously if she wasn't lying she would contact me. Because if she was being honest, she would want to see if I wanted to try things again if she was wanting to get out there again. That's were i'm coming from. I'm shortening it a lot, there was a ton more to it but that was the jist. I know I did expect it eventually, but i'm talking like a year down the road at least, in a little over 3 months things don't change much. It hit me hard for some reason, even though i've been on dates since.
Author suladas Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 It all seems to come at the same time. When the ex dumped me, I had a dog on death's door, my car needed a new gas tank, and I was sitting in limbo waiting to see if my biopsy was skin cancer (thankfully it was benign!!)...and my dog got better...still broke from the car repairs though! All of these stresses really test our resolve and we end up much stronger in the end. I think you're doing okay as long as you keep that anger in check! Remember, you guys are not together anymore, she can date if she wants, and you just don't care anymore. Ya it does, glad to hear things are getting better for you The anger is gone, it was a few hours ago and it turned to sadness again. Cried in my truck on the way home, hasn't happened to me in months. But feeling better again and not that bothered by it anymore, more confused then anything. Although a few hours ago I broke down and unblocked her from FB to see if there was anything there to be a clue if she was seeing someone, didn't help, doesn't matter though because her FB is all private. Just feel like I want to know, even though it doesn't matter....
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Ya it does, glad to hear things are getting better for you The anger is gone, it was a few hours ago and it turned to sadness again. Cried in my truck on the way home, hasn't happened to me in months. But feeling better again and not that bothered by it anymore, more confused then anything. Although a few hours ago I broke down and unblocked her from FB to see if there was anything there to be a clue if she was seeing someone, didn't help, doesn't matter though because her FB is all private. Just feel like I want to know, even though it doesn't matter.... Facebook is toxic!!! Stay away from it! Seriously...you don't want to keep torturing yourself like that. And it's okay to cry, it's such a good release for the feelings. I cried a river last night over my ex, puffy eyes all day today, but I do feel better to release that pain. You have to have more discipline though, don't try to find photos of her, don't try to find out anything about her, it just delays your healing. I know how tempting it is, but you have to resist it.
Author suladas Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 (edited) So it was okay for you to date, just not her? Sorry to belabor this but how did you feel on your dates? How do you know she wasn't feeling the same way? I have no dog in this fight obviously, but I think you may be doing yourself a bit of disservice here in assuming there is anything significant going on or that she was lying. Even if she has started dating again, 3.5-4 months isn't really premature. I went out a couple times during the second week of our break. It meant nothing, was just a way to pass the time and absolutely nothing happened. I just needed to get out of the damned house for a few hours. She may be doing the same thing. Anyway, the point here is that you may be jumping the gun. Noted that I did jump the gun. But it's different for me because she broke up with me, even after the BU I told her I still cared and would be willing to possibly try things again, so she could of contacted me if she wanted to try again, even just to see what I was thinking. I tried to, but it wasn't in my hands to do so. I did wait about 2 months before going on a date. So that's were I see the difference in. But I do agree I jumped the gun. She isn't the type to jump into something, but at the same time I do believe if she's dating someone, it does mean she wasn't honest during the BU. She had no way to know I was dating other then guessing, I never brought anyone back to my place. But I do agree, when I was going out for the night or anything she could of been watching and hurt thinking I might be dating, her actions post BU did give some indication she was hurting. But still different. I mean before we dated, she watched me close enough to be quite certain I wasn't seeing anyone, so who knows. Edited November 4, 2012 by suladas
Author suladas Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Facebook is toxic!!! Stay away from it! Seriously...you don't want to keep torturing yourself like that. And it's okay to cry, it's such a good release for the feelings. I cried a river last night over my ex, puffy eyes all day today, but I do feel better to release that pain. You have to have more discipline though, don't try to find photos of her, don't try to find out anything about her, it just delays your healing. I know how tempting it is, but you have to resist it. I just felt like it would be good to know what the deal was. Because no matter what, if she's dating i'm eventually going to see it first hand. So I can't really pretend like I don't know, or she doesn't exist like most people have the ability to do.
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 I just felt like it would be good to know what the deal was. Because no matter what, if she's dating i'm eventually going to see it first hand. So I can't really pretend like I don't know, or she doesn't exist like most people have the ability to do. I know what you're saying, but you're looking for trouble when you start to do that snooping type of behaviour. Sure, the reality is that you'll see her with someone new, and she'll see you with someone new too. But I guess my point is, don't try to find it in anticipation. It won't prepare you any further, it becomes an obsession at that point, your goal is to move on. The more you engage yourself in her life, the harder it is to move on...but you know that. You just have to take the leap, detach yourself completely from her.
Author suladas Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 I know what you're saying, but you're looking for trouble when you start to do that snooping type of behaviour. Sure, the reality is that you'll see her with someone new, and she'll see you with someone new too. But I guess my point is, don't try to find it in anticipation. It won't prepare you any further, it becomes an obsession at that point, your goal is to move on. The more you engage yourself in her life, the harder it is to move on...but you know that. You just have to take the leap, detach yourself completely from her. Ya i've been slowly detaching myself since the BU but it hasn't been easy, and slowly getting to the point of not caring what she is doing, I can't do it instantly, it's just been slowly getting better. Was doing good in that until today. I know it's not good to look, that's why I blocked her so I couldn't and deleted her number.
indiff Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Just saw my ex this afternoon walking to her car with a guy, assuming she is with him, oh man did it hurt for a few minutes it felt like my heart was ripped out and stomped on, obviously I don't know for sure but I am going to assume that is it someone she is seeing. It was the first time i've cried in a very long time. I could be wrong but I doubt it. But now I feel good that I know, I am glad I seen it actually. It means she was a lying b*tch as I had somewhat assumed she was lying to me already about some things, now I know for sure because if she lied about one thing I am sure she lied about tons. Now I can carry on with my life and not ever try to be nice to her again despite being neighbors, some days I thought I would tell her to f**k off if she ever spoke to me, now I know I will. I thought i'd be really sad because I though we had something but honestly I just feel more like f**k her, I deserve a lot better, I put up with a lot and gave her the benefit of the doubt too many times and let myself get walked all over, because I felt bad that she was going through a rough time with things and was doing what I could to help her. Especially considering pre-dating how much I did for her just because i'm a good guy and to be lied to and played like that? I mean I said right from the start of the BU, if she didn't want to be with me just tell me straight out don't give me BS like you want to be alone and all this sh*t and we could still be neighbors without any hard feelings. A lot of stuff still doesn't make sense if she's dating again, but whatever. For a second I thought of texting her something sarcastic like "Oh I like how you're too busy to date" or something but I couldn't even be bothered now. Who knows if I find out for sure they are dating, I wouldn't be surprised if I end up texting her something like that. At least now I don't have to be all nice anymore. Because we share a duplex I was always conscious of making too much noise at night, not having parties at my house, etc but respect earns respect and I have zero respect for someone who lies to me. After the BU I didn't think i'd be able to live next door to her, now i'm happy to. I want her to everyday regret what she did and hate herself for it when she realizes how badly she f**ked up. It might sound harsh, but lying REALLY pisses me off. Although i'm really curious and would like to know for sure if they are together or not. Because I really can't say for sure I mean all I seen was a guy going in her car with her...... I've got a date tonight that i've been looking forward to all week though. So at least that is good Hope your ok man. nothing worse than seeing your ex with someone. but you know what? believe me when I say this, there is light at the end of the tunnel. and one day you will look back at this and laugh. trust me man.
Author suladas Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Suladas, It's time for you to see a professional. You have been broken up longer than you two dated and at your age (23), you should not be having this much trouble. Also, you should not have dated a woman (35, divorced, 4 kids) like her to begin with. You two have nothing in common, you can't provide for her or her 4 kids, you said she still has some major "damage" from her abusive ex-husband, etc. Seriously, you should not be struggling like this with someone you briefly dated. Why? If it was strictly 2 months of dating like a normal relationship, I could see it, but it's not. It was a years worth of getting to know each other first, and still seeing each other all the time after, I don't think anyone can argue that it is a lot harder to detach from that and move on. Plus how many people dating for 2 months see each other pretty much every single day during that time to. I'm not disagreeing with you, it has taken me a long time, but I don't think it's crazy. As far as not dating, I don't agree with that at all. I'm not going to get into the details of it because it doesn't matter. I appreciate the input, but i'm not going to see anyone. I'm not always feeling great but I still go about my life like normal, I just still think about her a decent amount up until today actually it was going quite well. And besides for a few setbacks it is getting better all the time.
Author suladas Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Hope your ok man. nothing worse than seeing your ex with someone. but you know what? believe me when I say this, there is light at the end of the tunnel. and one day you will look back at this and laugh. trust me man. Ya never thought it would be that bad, I was pretty much detached from her until I seen it. I am sure I will, just not sure how soon that will come.
Nik1 Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Yes, this was the worst part for me, didn't help that it was someone I've known for 10 years. I haven't run this into the ground yet, have I?
Author suladas Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Well I seen them leaving again this morning. Definitely means they are dating and having sex, about a one in a million chance otherwise :(:( I guess a lot of the hurt is from the fact it means after all the time she spent pursueing me and how crazy she was for me (like 8 months) she found out in less then 2 she made a mistake, I think that's what hurts the most. I don't get it though, I knew it was unlikely it would ever work, I had even considered ending things partly why I didn't was because I knew I couldn't forgive myself if I seen her with someone else knowing I let someone great like that go. I mean I am sure it's for the best, but it still kills me to know she's with someone else. One moment I think it's because of mistakes I made, some stupid ones and that I feel stupid that she got away, the next I think how can she be so cold to someone who treated her so well and was always there for her, why would I even want to be with someone like that? Couldn't sleep last night, heard them come home and just couldn't stop thinking about what was happening :(
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Well I seen them leaving again this morning. Definitely means they are dating and having sex, about a one in a million chance otherwise :(:( I guess a lot of the hurt is from the fact it means after all the time she spent pursueing me and how crazy she was for me (like 8 months) she found out in less then 2 she made a mistake, I think that's what hurts the most. I don't get it though, I knew it was unlikely it would ever work, I had even considered ending things partly why I didn't was because I knew I couldn't forgive myself if I seen her with someone else knowing I let someone great like that go. I mean I am sure it's for the best, but it still kills me to know she's with someone else. One moment I think it's because of mistakes I made, some stupid ones and that I feel stupid that she got away, the next I think how can she be so cold to someone who treated her so well and was always there for her, why would I even want to be with someone like that? Couldn't sleep last night, heard them come home and just couldn't stop thinking about what was happening :( I'm going to be brutally honest with you, not to be mean, but do you see how obsessed you are? You're not together anymore, she's allowed to date and have sex with anyone she wants and it's not your business anymore. I know you're hurting, but you're holding on too hard now. You have to start changing your frame of mind that it doesn't matter what you did/didn't do because it's over. It doesn't matter if she lied or not, it doesn't matter if she pursued you for 8 months, then changed her mind after 2 months. It doesn't make you a bad person, it just didn't work out. It doesn't make her a bad person for moving on, you need to really shake this because you're going to drive yourself nuts. I'll send that with a hug. 1
frederickkk Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 I love all this advice about taking anger out elsewhere and avoiding contact. I screamed bitch about 30 times today on a bike ride. FURIOUS.
Author suladas Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 I'm going to be brutally honest with you, not to be mean, but do you see how obsessed you are? You're not together anymore, she's allowed to date and have sex with anyone she wants and it's not your business anymore. I know you're hurting, but you're holding on too hard now. You have to start changing your frame of mind that it doesn't matter what you did/didn't do because it's over. It doesn't matter if she lied or not, it doesn't matter if she pursued you for 8 months, then changed her mind after 2 months. It doesn't make you a bad person, it just didn't work out. It doesn't make her a bad person for moving on, you need to really shake this because you're going to drive yourself nuts. I'll send that with a hug. Thanks, I know all of this. I think part of it is, until yesterday I believed the wanting to be single thing was the true cause of the BU, but realizing it wasn't hit home hard. But then again I was pretty sure I accepted and was ok with the fact we'd never get back together. I knew right from the day of the BU eventually she would have sex with someone else if we didn't get back together, I guess I didn't think it would happen so soon, and well I think it would of been easier to handle if I wasn't still single and haven't had a date yet that went well enough to want to go out with them again.
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Thanks, I know all of this. I think part of it is, until yesterday I believed the wanting to be single thing was the true cause of the BU, but realizing it wasn't hit home hard. But then again I was pretty sure I accepted and was ok with the fact we'd never get back together. I knew right from the day of the BU eventually she would have sex with someone else if we didn't get back together, I guess I didn't think it would happen so soon, and well I think it would of been easier to handle if I wasn't still single and haven't had a date yet that went well enough to want to go out with them again. You'll get there though, you have one set up for next weekend already, so that's a great start! Have you tried the dating sites? I'm on a few of them, with no real expectations, but it's nice to meet new people and chat away. Helps you forget about the ex too.
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