dusty_71 Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 (edited) Hello all, I am new here. I have been married for 8 yrs, in this relationship for 13 yrs. We have always had issues (kids and his parents, his health, finances) but this year has been the worst. Think I am finally at the end of my rope. Want to file on Monday. Problem: When he is angry he agrees divorce is best. When he is not, he says, I love you, don't leave me. He is a known liar yet I do not know what to believe. I am inclined to think what he says in anger is closer to the truth of how he really feels. One thing to know is that he has a back injury of which he has chronic pain and suffers from depression. He is on meds for both. This means he is reliant on me and my job to pay the bills and provide med ins. for the most part. I do believe when he is not angry he realizes this and then says, don't leave me.. yet I do believe he has no caring feelings for me, my well being or any other aspect of me, except for my wages and benefits. He works, but switches jobs every 1-2 yrs- very sketchy work history. But he is so so convincing in all he says- when I find his lies out (money or internet activity, jobs etc) I never cease to be hurt by it even though by now I should know better. I just wish I knew which one of his sides to believe. I don't want a divorce if he cares for me, I was divorced once before when I was in my 20's. I am now in my 40's. I don't want to lose the hobby farm we live on and I am sure we will lose it if we divorce.. I still love him, I am still attracted to him, but I don't think he is to me- and this is not a good relationship either. I feel alone and it feels icky in my own house due to his behavior.. never know what he is going to be like. if he does not have a care (and his actions scream he does not care even though his words say he does when he is not upset) then I don't want to be with him. I am tired of this roller coaster. In my opinion you would not lie to someone you really care about and put us at financial risk so often. He claims he lies so that I don't get hurt. In the end, I hurt worse than if he would have just said the truth. I really think he just wants his freedom and won't file on his own and is driving me to the point of filing so he wouldn't be the bad guy. I don't really know what I am trying to ask here- opinions? Would the fact that he suffers from an illness stop you from filing because there is a small chance he means what he says and cares or would you go with the actions speak louder than words idea, (not being there for me emotionally, physically, financially or otherwise) and just get off the roller coaster no matter what you know you are losing? Edited November 3, 2012 by dusty_71
riverratt Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 I hate to give someone advise to divorce in most cases.. I will say that you have to think of you at some point..Yes, a relationship is and should be something that you give of yourself to make work but that doesn't mean taking abuse of any kind. I am talking about things like going out for seafood because your partner does even though you want to go Mexican.. You have one life so you want to be happy. Everyone does but a person shouldn't be unrealistic or greedy either.
carhill Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 Welcome to LS So, say you file the documents with the court on Monday and he is served with them in a few days. What next? He'll have a number of days to respond legally (here in Cali it's 30 days) and then the process will proceed. That process is mostly shuffling papers. How about the real process of ending your partnership? Who will leave the marital domicile or will you cohabit while in process? Will mediation be used? Lawyers? IMO, and I've been through it, it's wise to have a plan of action before proceeding and work out as much as possible prior to filing, relevant to applicable statute. In our case, from first 'talk' to court seal on 'marriage ends on xxx', it took about 18 months, perhaps a bit longer, since we talked about it before we ended cohabiting after I bought my exW another house. Your and his feelings can change at any time, even after the court seal. No one can keep you apart if you want to be together. Right now, you want him gone. He probably feels the same way, at least when he's angry. OK, accept that. Figure out next steps. Take action. One day at a time. Good luck. 1
Author dusty_71 Posted November 7, 2012 Author Posted November 7, 2012 So this week has been really tough. I did not file for divorce yet. He was fired from his job on Oct 31 but he got dressed each morning and acted like he was going to work anyway. I finally figured it out- when I found out the business he works at was actually closed last week. All he could say is that he did not want to have to tell me that he lost another job. Ok, fair enough but it's still wrong... right? Apparently he had a meltdown on them out of nowhere and they let him go. Apparently this is not the first time this has happened. They wanted to press charges against him, as they don't know what to make of his erratic behavior. I ended up going to his workplace to get his things. They told me they could press charges against him and that they decided not to but are fearful of his retaliation! I am thinking this is unbelievable and how did it all end up this way!? Maybe the best thing they could do is press charges against him. I don't know. Where does that leave me? In even more debt due to him? Even if I divorce him, it would not happen fast enough to not be 50% responsible for his court mess. So- now of course he is kissing up like no other... he does not want me to leave. Because of the horses & animals I would want to stay here until the divorce is final and ask the judge that he be the one to find alternative home until the place sells. (Thinking he will not just say, ok there you go, keep it). I have been open about divorce and my feelings to him and asked him to talk about it, suggested a mediator already to save costs and he gets nasty with me. Won't do it. He just doesn't want a divorce. He then makes crude jokes about me to his friends.. and lies about me. This is doubly hurtful as they had a good laugh and I thought that this couple was my friend to. Just all in all been hard. I have started taking steps to get out. Have to rehome a bunch of animals. We live on a hobby farm... no easy task to get rid of animals these days. In the end of it all, his now former bosses told me I need to get him help and the sooner the better. I can't drag him to the dr. I just think it's time to let him fumble through life w/ out it somehow always being my fault, my mess to clean up.
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 First things first, he has issues - None of this has to do with you - His pain and depression IS affecting him. He is making really bad choices and decisions, his communication skills absolutely suck too. If I were you, I'd give him a choice. See a Dr, get on meds to help with his depression and see a specialist/physio Dr for pain management and exercises to get his back better, once his depression is better, then counseling is a must, reguardless of how he feels about it, it's a deal breaker if he wants to stay married to you. OR, he can move out now and go to a friends house or go stay with his parents/sibling. He's got into a really bad habit of hiding and lying to you, thinking that it's better than telling the truth. That has to stop NOW and he needs to understand this, the truth no matter what!
LadyGrey Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 Have you considered that he is addicted to his pain meds? Addicts are liars. Doesn't excuse it, but maybe you should look into that. 1
standtall Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 (edited) Dusty..I'm with Lady Grey...the pain med problem is the 800 lb gorilla in your room....everything else is secondary. Even if he is prescribed the pain meds and became hooked for legitimate medical issues, addiction is addiction. He will not act normal, nor is he the same person you married when he is under the influence. He is married to his addiction first, and you second. And guess what? You married him in sickness and in health..for better or for worse, he is sick and needs your help...you owe it to your marriage vows to at least give it your best effort. Edited November 7, 2012 by standtall
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