Reconciliation from my experiences

[dreamstate83]

First off, I'm a 29 year old male. I've had 6 long term relationships, starting with a high school sweet heart. In all of the cases where I was the dumpee, my exes have attempted reconciliation at some point or another (even after I spent time doing everything wrong by the books for the first month or two).

 

The first rule of hoping that you get back together is to stop hoping that you will get back together and let it sink in.

My first serious relationship was with my high school sweet heart. We were together for many years, and she eventually started thinking about our future and how I had only entry level jobs. When she convinced herself I'd live my life a low income bum, she left me for someone she found more "suitable" to her needs. I begged her to death. Cried. Pleaded. Hacked her myspace at the time to get the dirt on the new guy like an obsessed stalker. Eventually, though, something happened. I started to feel independent and realized that I could actually live without her. I spent the following month cleaning up and getting a better job, meeting new people, and all around becoming the charming social guy I was before we met. I was no longer concerned with my ex, and found the power to dedicate those concerns on myself instead. After a few months passed, she realized that although the new guy ticked all the boxes that it lacked the sparkling connection that she had with me, and she showed up on my door in tears. We were young, and didn't talk about the problems of the past and got back together immediately. After another year together I realized that she really wasn't the right girl for me and walked away, leaving her heartbroken with an engagement ring. She's now happily married and we haven't spoken since the breakup.

 

Another case was with what I call my sweet poison. I actually left my ex fiance for this person. You know the type - a relationship so negative and toxic that it brings you down and beats you with it's alluring addiction. We hated each other so much that we loved each other. If you haven't been in this relationship, there really is no other way to explain it. It was a long distance one, and after years of fighting and pain and suffering she called it quits in favor of another guy. After I begged and cried and fell on the floor like a pansy for weeks, I ended up falling into a rebound relationship. It was only a matter of 3 months before Mrs. Cyanide called me up crying, asking me if we could work things out. I learned from the experience with my ex fiance and told her "I really want to, but we both know we are bad for each other's emotional well being". She tried to contact me for a few years, and eventually I accepted her friend request. We are now really good friends and offer an ear when either of us are in trouble. She's married to the rebound she left me for and I'm honestly very happy for her.

 

My most recent ex of three months finally found a nice guy that offers what I couldn't. Good for her! Might be a rebound, but there is no way for me to know. I've done my soul searching and I believe that we could go for a successful round 2 on this one, but that's out of my hands.

 

What is my take away from all of this?

Reconciliations can and do happen, but there is a catch. Your relationship had to absolutely be stuffed to the brim with passion and love. The breakup had to be a really hard decision, one that impacted the dumper dramatically and left them feeling sad and empty. One that felt like necessity rather than choice. It only happens when the dumper gets the notion that they are the ones being left behind. Even then, nothing in life is guaranteed. I learned the hard way that reconciliations are not always what we want them to be. Facing the trust issues and being open as to not "walk on eggshells" with your previous dumper is an incredible challenge - and not for the feint of heart.

 

So you are praying to whatever gods you can that your ex contacts you back? Read this.

Your breakup happened for a reason. I know, it sucks to hear the harsh truth. People do not end relationships that they are satisfied with. Have you ever looked at someone and said "This is who i want to spend the rest of my life with!" and walked away? If so you have some serious mental illness.

 

What were the reasons that they weren't happy? That's a loaded question. Chances are, you don't actually know the reason, even if you think you do. The dumper may not even know exactly what went wrong. So spend some time off of begging for them back, and do a little soul searching. Something, somewhere, changed. What was it? Don't stop looking until you believe you have found the reasons. Even then, dig deeper and refine those reasons constantly. This step is incredibly important, as it not only gives you clarity of the breakup but will also give you real data to analyze your relationship. In the case of my ex fiance, I skipped this step. If I had donated any time to it, I would have known that we weren't going to succeed at a round 2. This is also a vital step as it can give you the startling realization that a round 2 would fail even if you got your time in the lime light - which helps you move on.

 

So you've read the boring words above and did some soul searching, and you are CONVINCED that you are compatible. Now what?

Now, my friend, you move on anyways. "Wait, what's that? But I don't want to move on! I thought you were talking about reconciliations here!" Look. Your relationship failed hard. If you don't move on, you are just trying to pull something from the grave. Nobody wants a zombie relationship that eats at your brain, so leave that ***** in the ground where it belongs. You aren't going to convince an ex to stay in a relationship that they just left by offering more of the same. Look how that worked out for you the first time, Skipper.

 

So you move on. Let your ex move on too. You get your ***** straight and start improving your life. Give yourself time to grieve. Be angry. Yell at Zues for cursing you to a lifetime of loneliness while your ex scampers off with her new and shiny replacement for you. Be sad. Cry yourself to sleep and hate your life. Burn those gears in your head out by replaying what "could have been" until you realize it's wasted effort. The past isn't based on if's, my friend. All you can do is let things cool down before giving your ex a positive spin to the breakup. The last thing you say to them is going to be what they keep coming back to if you meant anything at all to them. Say your peace, and then GTFO. Come back to my post when you've completely moved on.

 

Alright, so you are still here? Chances are you haven't moved on yet or you wouldn't even care about what I have to say next. Tread carefully, because I'm onto you *shifty eyes*. So you've moved on. Your ex has moved on. What comes next? Nothing. You wait, genius. If they haven't contacted you then either you haven't been able to convince them through action that you are independent and attractive again or they decided that there is nothing worth going back to. You wouldn't want to be with someone who would dare pass up a chance to be with the new you anyways, right? You better not have gone back to begging, jerk. And if I even catch you trying to verbally convince them that you are better than you used to be, I'm going to knock your delusional *** into the sunset.

 

So, dumpees, GTFO of this thread and check into "Hotel Moving On". You can't control the situation. All you can do is set the groundwork to become more desirable in their eyes at a future point in time. What day is it today? Don't you have somewhere better to be than kicking yourself and beating a dead horse in front of the ***** pc monitor and crying over your keyboard?

Edited November 3, 2012 by dreamstate83

[ImYours]

Best read I have seen. Hate it cause you are right.

[Harradin]

Huge eye opener for me, even when I thought I had read everything being the dumpee!

 

Thanks!

[ImYours]

dreamstate83 I need to hire you to kick my a$$ and thinking into shape! You have such great things to say

[dreamstate83]

dreamstate83 I need to hire you to kick my a$$ and thinking into shape! You have such great things to say

 

We all have our moments of clarity

[Tree_Salmon]

People let emotions and the past cloud their judgment. Sadly we cannot move forward this way.

 

You have to be logical when it comes to love too. Just like anything else that has an impact in life.

 

It's a wonder anyone stays together nowadays to be honest. Most are so flaky and damaged that it's difficult to maintain something substantial.

 

Just bottom line peoples actions. Reconciliation seems almost impossible to me at times. I've tried it and changed everything every time but it doesn't work when the other person hasn't grown up at all.