law students relationship

[hellome625]

Hi guys, I'm new here and was hoping to receive some input/opinions regarding my case.

 

I was with my ex-girlfriend since college. We started out as friends, then later on as bestfriends and eventually as a couple. We met in college and were varsity teammates ( so i guess the bond developed there). We were both supportive and loving of each other throughout college. However ever since college we both knew she was going to law school (in the same city) and when we graduated college we both told each other that we were going to make it work. The summer after college, we entered another honeymoon stage where our feelings got stronger all the more because we both had so much time.

 

It all changed when she entered law school and I started working. It wasn't a long distance relationship because we were still in the same city working/studying. However things changed a bit, she got busier (that's a given because it's law) but she would make time for me even if she was tired and as a result we would limit our dates to 2 hours max only. I'd have to be honest we did see each other often despite her hectic schedule, we would see each other almost every week, once a week. In addition, I cannot deny that we did have a few rough patches/rocky moments, around 3 significant ones i think. Wherein I was acting a bit selfish and wanted to be with her but in the process she felt torn because she wanted to prioritize other people like her other friends.

 

Last September, she broke up with me out of the blue. She broke up with me using vague hints which made me go nuts for a month. I couldn't understand why she wanted to break up. The only clear message she gave me in breaking up was because she said she needed to be selfish and single, to find herself etc. She gave hints abt us being different people etc. She also used those annoying lines "its not you, its me" and "i love you but i don't know if i love you as much as i should". Immediately after the break up she started to act weird bcos she would sound like nothing happened and that we were friends again. I took upon myself to call her and express to her how hurt i was and asking how it looked so easy for her. Of course she ended up expressing she wasnt having any easy time either. From then on she asked for space to finish the semester first and focus on finals. It took a month not knowing the real reasons and so i took the time to think where i went wrong while going nc for a month.

 

I identified where i went wrong during the semester and apologized for them and told her i realized where i went wrong (making her feel pressured, being insensitive etc). She replied to it by saying that she broke it off because 1) she wants to focus on law school because she found that its something she's really passionate about 2) she felt immature, wanted to be single and grow into the potential person she could become 3) because she felt choked from the relationship.

 

The third reason hurt me the most because she said she always felt there had to be an "us" plan. She felt obliged to give time effort etc to me even when i did not demand it. She also felt guilty that i was being understanding of her whenever she couldn't meet up due to academic requirements and the like. She felt guilty because she couldn't invest in it as much while i was making the effort by being patient and understanding.

 

I also got bothered when she mentioned that its in her personality to be non-confrontational. For the situations that I apologized in my email to her, her email to me showed that she felt hurt during those moments even when we would apologize to each other and move on. She said it was her fault because she didn't bother to stand up to me and make me feel how she felt etc. As a result whenever we would supposedly "fix" those fights, she would ignore it until it would build up inside of her like a ticking time bomb until she snapped. As a result her feelings faded a bit for me. As a result she felt that we were too different. She didn't want to fix it because she felt it would be one-sided wherein i would give more effort again in fixing it by addressing my issues and because she felt that law school is still 4 more years wherein she didn't have the time,effort and energy anymore.

 

In my opinion, it was all a lack of communication which resulted to this failed relationship. But I just want to know if her reason of law school is just an convenient excuse? Because I feel she broke it off more because of the "us" problem. She claims that it was more of law school than how we were. She also said she still loves me for who i am but as a friend. She also said she's not closing her doors on me but not making any promises because at the end of law school we might be too completely different people so she just wants to be fair to me. She still wants me in her life. She initially said she wanted space til her semestral break. But even during her break, she mentioned she wants space again for an indefinite time.

 

I'm in the process of trying to move on. But I want to know what're the chances of us reconciling again? Why was she acting like nothing happened right after the break up? She also mentioned that I am a great guy to her girlfriends and that its wrong timing. She also stated that it was her fault for not being hoenst enough and said that the way she handled it is taking a hit on her, it just shows when she's alone. How can you say that if you feel we're too different? It's like saying its not meant to be while stating that she's not closing doors on me. I still want to be there for her because we really were great friends before being lovers, but I don't know how to address that after x number of months or even years of nc. I'm also bothered that right now all she's doing is going out, partying etc like nothing happened :l

 

I'm confused

[summer077]

First of all, I am really sorry this happened to you.

 

Although I have not experienced this situation exactly from your side, I have been faced with a similar situation in reverse (IE. my relationship likely fell apart due to me going to school and it being seen as intimidating).

 

I am hoping to one day go to law school myself - right now I am working on law in another level. I can tell you that often within the academic community, especially for women, there is a pressure to "spread your wings and fly" - you're told you don't "need" a man and are told of all of the ways that a man can keep you down. Law school is undoubtedly busy - but relationships take sacrifice and commitment and just as you find time to go to the campus pub of Friday, or watch those favourite TV shows at night etc you are taking time out of your busy schedule to do those things. Basically what I'm saying is that with a bit of work, a relationship could last through law school.

 

If I were you I would not wait around. I know it hurts and it sucks, because I'm going through it myself, but her life is rapidly changing. She is networking, she is meeting other law students and lawyers who a similar pace of life. I'm not at all saying you're inferior because I'm not - but as the old "boys club" goes, or in this case the academia/law club, there is high potential that if she is not putting in the work with you guys that she is going to move on. Don't let yourself be heart broken twice when/if this happens. Take your own life by the horns and do what is best for you in the gran scheme of things, which is probably not hanging onto this relationship (I should take my own advice).

 

You sound like a great person! Don't let this get you down.

[hellome625]

Thank you for your input.

 

I'm just upset and confused. However are her reasons "shallow"? because i feel that she let those incidents happen without me knowing, so she just concluded things "didnt work out" because she couldnt see us in the long run. very unfair to me because she didnt let me fix my share. I'd understand if we tried to fix it and kept on crumbling, then definitely I'd call it quits and move on easily.

[hellome625]

First of all, I am really sorry this happened to you.

 

Although I have not experienced this situation exactly from your side, I have been faced with a similar situation in reverse (IE. my relationship likely fell apart due to me going to school and it being seen as intimidating).

 

I am hoping to one day go to law school myself - right now I am working on law in another level. I can tell you that often within the academic community, especially for women, there is a pressure to "spread your wings and fly" - you're told you don't "need" a man and are told of all of the ways that a man can keep you down. Law school is undoubtedly busy - but relationships take sacrifice and commitment and just as you find time to go to the campus pub of Friday, or watch those favourite TV shows at night etc you are taking time out of your busy schedule to do those things. Basically what I'm saying is that with a bit of work, a relationship could last through law school.

 

If I were you I would not wait around. I know it hurts and it sucks, because I'm going through it myself, but her life is rapidly changing. She is networking, she is meeting other law students and lawyers who a similar pace of life. I'm not at all saying you're inferior because I'm not - but as the old "boys club" goes, or in this case the academia/law club, there is high potential that if she is not putting in the work with you guys that she is going to move on. Don't let yourself be heart broken twice when/if this happens. Take your own life by the horns and do what is best for you in the gran scheme of things, which is probably not hanging onto this relationship (I should take my own advice).

 

You sound like a great person! Don't let this get you down.

 

Thank you for your input.

 

I'm just upset and confused. However are her reasons "shallow"? because i feel that she let those incidents happen without me knowing, so she just concluded things "didnt work out" because she couldnt see us in the long run. very unfair to me because she didnt let me fix my share. I'd understand if we tried to fix it and kept on crumbling, then definitely I'd call it quits and move on easily.

[summer077]

Unfortunately few relationships end with both parties thinking it was fair. I'm not saying that's right or that that should make you feel any better, but humans are inherently selfish and often make choices for themselves that are unfair or explainable.

 

You know your circumstances better than anyone. However I would say that if she felt this was something she wanted to salvage she would be salvaging it. It shouldnt just be up to you fix the entire thing when a relationship can only work between two people. There have been many times when I've thought this isn't fair and it has killed me - try not to dwell on it, because there's no rules in relationships and often times it is unfair and that's why only the strongest of relationships last.

[hellome625]

Unfortunately few relationships end with both parties thinking it was fair. I'm not saying that's right or that that should make you feel any better, but humans are inherently selfish and often make choices for themselves that are unfair or explainable.

 

You know your circumstances better than anyone. However I would say that if she felt this was something she wanted to salvage she would be salvaging it. It shouldnt just be up to you fix the entire thing when a relationship can only work between two people. There have been many times when I've thought this isn't fair and it has killed me - try not to dwell on it, because there's no rules in relationships and often times it is unfair and that's why only the strongest of relationships last.

 

and so why does she still want me in her life? i know i should be focusing on myself right now. but i get this feeling that am i to be a fall back to her or a reassurance that i am an arm's length away? or is it to help her bury the guilt on how she handled it and dumped me? she doesn't disclose to many people that she fell out of love, she only tells it to her closest friends. she tells the rest of the people that law was just taking too much of her time, that's all

[summer077]

As much as I wish I could, I cannot really tell what she is thinking.

But often times people want to have their cake and eat it to - it could be that she wants you around for all the great things you bring to the table, without all of the commitment of a relationship. This happens quite often and I would say it likely makes the transition easier for her to have you around at her beck and call. No one usually, unless you're in a weird situation like I was in, goes cold-turkey and never speaks again.

 

At the same time, I would not take that she still wants you around as flattery. People who want relationships to work make them work, it would be obvious if this were her intention.

 

As for not disclosing details to others except close friends, it could be to avoid questioning from others or perhaps a subconscious attempt to feel guilty about what has happened - she chooses to tell only those who she knows will have her back regardless.