jefermelesyeux Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 hey everyone. new to the forum here. i've had my fair share of dating experience in the past, but i have a long way to go. so i thought i'd check out loveshack. anyway, onto my question... how do you feel about texting in the early stages (or really in any stage) of a relationship? do you think it's healthy, unhealthy, smart, dumb, impersonal, etc.? personally, i'm slightly addicted to texting and use it as a primary means to keep in touch. i'm not opposed to talking on the phone, but that makes it difficult to do other things simultaneously or it can become awkward if there's nothing to say. the good part about it though is that you can hear the other person's tone of voice and read them better through it. there's this guy that i am talking to/interested in (mind you, i'm gay). we've been talking for about a month now. we used to talk every day, throughout the day, and we've had only one date so far. the date went really well, and afterwards we kept talking. on friday he texted me just to say hello during his busy day and tell me he was super busy, which i thought was sweet of him. but for the following 4 days i didn't hear from him. i only sent him one text every other day and never got a reply. then wednesday night (halloween), we talked briefly. i was happy to at least hear from him. but then yesterday, he didn't answer me. now i know he's a busy guy, and i know he's not just looking for sex. but, i just wonder how you can go from texting/talking all the time to sporadically. i'm trying to ask him out on a second date so that we can have face-to-face contact and continue things, but i'm not sure how to do it, or if i even should. i realize, btw, that not everyone is as attached to their phones as i am. but i am getting a little discouraged. things seemed to be going so smoothly. some of my friends tell me that i overreact and am trying too much to rush things, which i agree with on some level. i always made sure in the beginning to ask him if we could talk the next day, and not just assume. that way if he said yes, which he always did, i wouldn't feel intrusive or clingy or annoying. if it helps at all, i am 21 and he is 28. any advice you guys can give me would be greatly appreciated. i don't think i'm ready to give up on things yet.
River Rain Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 I'm a texting hater. I just find the whole thing a little sterile. Sure I've texted before, but it kind of creates a false sense of expectation, that I personally don't like at all. Maybe I'm old school, but I'm more into real conversation, over the telephone or even better, in person. 2
Author jefermelesyeux Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 I'm a texting hater. I just find the whole thing a little sterile. Sure I've texted before, but it kind of creates a false sense of expectation, that I personally don't like at all. Maybe I'm old school, but I'm more into real conversation, over the telephone or even better, in person. i agree, i prefer real conversation and physical contact as well. but i guess my whole point is that i'm trying to schedule a second date so we can have all that. i doubt he just randomly became uninterested. maybe there is someone else. *shudders*
River Rain Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 i agree, i prefer real conversation and physical contact as well. but i guess my whole point is that i'm trying to schedule a second date so we can have all that. i doubt he just randomly became uninterested. maybe there is someone else. *shudders* I'll never condone texting....too stubborn, lol...Why not just call him? You've been on one date, nothing wrong with leaving a message to ask for a second, I don't think it's desperate. And yeah, I know that feeling of maybe there is someone else, and I know that shudder...it's happening to me as we "speak". Life is too short to be timid, ne ferme pas tes yeux chère!
Author jefermelesyeux Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 I'll never condone texting....too stubborn, lol...Why not just call him? You've been on one date, nothing wrong with leaving a message to ask for a second, I don't think it's desperate. And yeah, I know that feeling of maybe there is someone else, and I know that shudder...it's happening to me as we "speak". Life is too short to be timid, ne ferme pas tes yeux chère! i'm thinking about calling him tomorrow, or even sunday. i'm a lot more nervous though. i'm trying to take things one day at a time, so i guess we will see what happens! i hope your situation turns out for the better as well. je vais les garder ouverts un peu plus longtemps 1
Jessiboo Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 I'm interested to know how your phone call went. I love texting too, but like you said, it's so difficult to gauge tone through texting. The hard part is that once you fall into the texting habit with someone, it seems awkward to call them up, like you're overstepping a boundary. At least that's how I feel sometimes. For the record, I called a guy that I had been texting, and the phone call went really well. I hope the same goes for you. You really don't have anything to lose, right?
Author jefermelesyeux Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 The hard part is that once you fall into the texting habit with someone, it seems awkward to call them up, like you're overstepping a boundary. At least that's how I feel sometimes. yesss, that is exactly how I feel too! I haven't called him yet. I am tempted to skip calling and just text, like a coward. I kind of want to ask him out again in a text, but I feel like I'll be upset if he doesn't respond...If I just say "hey" then I wouldn't feel so bad if I got nothing back.
River Rain Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 yesss, that is exactly how I feel too! I haven't called him yet. I am tempted to skip calling and just text, like a coward. I kind of want to ask him out again in a text, but I feel like I'll be upset if he doesn't respond...If I just say "hey" then I wouldn't feel so bad if I got nothing back. Dating anxiety....poor you. So just text him a "hey, how are you?" - go for it! I can't believe I encouraged someone to text...I must be getting soft, lol...
Author jefermelesyeux Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Dating anxiety....poor you. So just text him a "hey, how are you?" - go for it! I can't believe I encouraged someone to text...I must be getting soft, lol... Lol, a couple hours ago, I texted him "hey there. How's your weekend going?" Nothing back so far. This is becoming frustrating. Nothing happened that brought on such a lack of communication. Some friends have suggested just letting him come to me. But I feel like if I depend on that, my biggest fear will manifest, and that's that I'll never hear from him again. I hate it when guys are illogical. :/
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Lol, a couple hours ago, I texted him "hey there. How's your weekend going?" Nothing back so far. This is becoming frustrating. Nothing happened that brought on such a lack of communication. Some friends have suggested just letting him come to me. But I feel like if I depend on that, my biggest fear will manifest, and that's that I'll never hear from him again. I hate it when guys are illogical. :/ Awww...illogical is too mind-bending for me to even think about...I don't understand men, more less women, lol. See, the thing I really hate about texting is that it creates this false sense of immediacy. I mean...unless the guy is sleeping with his phone off or somewhere out of cell range, you KNOW he got the text and he chose not to reply. It's such a game, and I personally don't have the stamina for it! I'm way too sensitive. I think you made the last move, just wait and see if he responds at this point. I hope he does!
Author jefermelesyeux Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Awww...illogical is too mind-bending for me to even think about...I don't understand men, more less women, lol. See, the thing I really hate about texting is that it creates this false sense of immediacy. I mean...unless the guy is sleeping with his phone off or somewhere out of cell range, you KNOW he got the text and he chose not to reply. It's such a game, and I personally don't have the stamina for it! I'm way too sensitive. I think you made the last move, just wait and see if he responds at this point. I hope he does! i don't understand men, either. i totally agree on the sense of immediacy thing. this guy, he teaches science, works in a lab, sings in the philharmonic here, and i'm sure he does other things i'm unaware of. so he's busyyyy. but he always used to make time, it seemed. not so much lately. i know it's just the beginning, and i should let things take their course. so hopefully they'll take the course i want them to! lol
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 i don't understand men, either. i totally agree on the sense of immediacy thing. this guy, he teaches science, works in a lab, sings in the philharmonic here, and i'm sure he does other things i'm unaware of. so he's busyyyy. but he always used to make time, it seemed. not so much lately. i know it's just the beginning, and i should let things take their course. so hopefully they'll take the course i want them to! lol He sounds like a catch though...I like the "teaches science'" and "works in a lab" part... cerebral is sexy to me. I've been in the process of meeting new guys over the last month, and I've found that the contact is always really hot for the first few weeks, then it cools down a little. I used to take that as a negative, but I think it's just part of the whole process. I'm currently trying to woo a guy who's extremely busy too. It's tough, the waiting game!
Author jefermelesyeux Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 He sounds like a catch though...I like the "teaches science'" and "works in a lab" part... cerebral is sexy to me. I've been in the process of meeting new guys over the last month, and I've found that the contact is always really hot for the first few weeks, then it cools down a little. I used to take that as a negative, but I think it's just part of the whole process. I'm currently trying to woo a guy who's extremely busy too. It's tough, the waiting game! i know, right? he really does seem like a catch. i like a guy with ambition and goals. i may only be 21 but i prefer dating older men because i feel i share their maturity level. hell, i'm a server in a restaurant but i'm in school too. anyway, i digress. i was thinking about that, too; in the very beginning it's exciting and hot and new and mysterious, and as things progress, it becomes typical (which isn't necessary bad at all). new development: i asked a mutual friend of ours what he could tell me about this guy, since he knows him better. he informed me that he can be a tad flaky and immature. a trade-off, sure, but it certainly explains things. i think i feel a bit better knowing that it may not be me. how are things with you and the guy you're trying to woo?
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Age is relative, it's maturity that matters. A tad flaky and immature on his part...well, you know we all have that possibility in us. I just hope he responds to your text. I hate the waiting game...which, in response to your question...my wooing...I haven't a clue! Boo! I was getting to know "New Guy" for about 3 weeks after the breakup from the Ex. New Guy was very attentive, but things slowed down and 5 days went by without a peep. New Guy wrote to me how busy he was etc but still wanted to keep getting to know me...but I told him that I was the type who needed more attention and it probably wasn't meant to be. Same day the Ex wanted me back, we tried for a week, same old BS, so I ended it with the Ex this morning actually. Now I'm thinking of New Guy again, and maybe that I should not have been so easy to give up on him...I was really starting to have feelings for him...so I emailed him today, just a hello, but also an explanation about how "green" I am with dating and hoping he'd want to keep getting to know me. I'm very direct, so I laid it on the line. I don't know if he's interested still, but I did send a nice picture of myself in the email too for good measure . I'm hoping to hear from him, but I may have blown it with him, which is a shame. Time will tell - for both of us right?
Author jefermelesyeux Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 yes, indeed, we definitely all have it in us to be immature and flaky. i've done it before, not going to lie. it's human nature i think, and circumstantial for sure. oh trust me, i hate the waiting game as well. but time will tell- like you said! i've never gotten back together with an ex before, but i've considered and proposed the idea. i personally believe exes are exes for a reason, ya know? but at least you gave it another shot, and now you know it's not meant to be and can move on. you may not have completely blown things with new guy yet! if he's really interested, he'll definitely pursue you further and not just let you go like that. (wish i could take my own advice. ) and the waiting begins.
Author jefermelesyeux Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 I don't like texting and it's been my experience that most adult males aren't crazy about it either. It's just a means to an end, a way to communicate something briefly. I rarely text for anything other than basic necessity as in "where are you?" or "what time?" or "I'm on my way". I don't much like the phone either though, unless it's my mom or sister. Face to face communication or IM are my preferred modes of communication. The former because it's face to face (and thus easier to read all of the body language and such), and the latter because it lets me move around while kind of keeping my hands free(ish). you said it perfectly. like i said above, i am addicted to texting. but i think it has a lot to do with my generation. also, my age. my older brother is 36 and it's hard to get him to reply to a text. although usually it's nothing important, so it doesn't really matter. my only problem with face-to-face and body language is that i analyze every little thing! hahaha, such is the human condition.
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 yes, indeed, we definitely all have it in us to be immature and flaky. i've done it before, not going to lie. it's human nature i think, and circumstantial for sure. oh trust me, i hate the waiting game as well. but time will tell- like you said! i've never gotten back together with an ex before, but i've considered and proposed the idea. i personally believe exes are exes for a reason, ya know? but at least you gave it another shot, and now you know it's not meant to be and can move on. you may not have completely blown things with new guy yet! if he's really interested, he'll definitely pursue you further and not just let you go like that. (wish i could take my own advice. ) and the waiting begins. You know, I said that same thing to myself last week...well, to my dog, he's a good listener, lol...but I was like...no Rain...he's your Ex for a reason...but I'm just so forgiving, and a sucker for love so I thought I'd give it another go. But you're right, now I know definitely that it wasn't meant to be with the Ex. I do hope I didn't blow it with New Guy...I'm just in a position now where I left the ball in his court. Just like you've done. Oh the advice I've given and not taken, it's ironic sometimes! But you know, when you're in the moment, and when emotion is involved, you lack reasoning. I'm the type who has to learn the hard way unfortunately, but once that lesson is learned, it's for keeps!
Author jefermelesyeux Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 You know, I said that same thing to myself last week...well, to my dog, he's a good listener, lol...but I was like...no Rain...he's your Ex for a reason...but I'm just so forgiving, and a sucker for love so I thought I'd give it another go. But you're right, now I know definitely that it wasn't meant to be with the Ex. I do hope I didn't blow it with New Guy...I'm just in a position now where I left the ball in his court. Just like you've done. Oh the advice I've given and not taken, it's ironic sometimes! But you know, when you're in the moment, and when emotion is involved, you lack reasoning. I'm the type who has to learn the hard way unfortunately, but once that lesson is learned, it's for keeps! i'm a very forgiving person as well. i usually blame myself, actually. unless i know for a fact that it's the other guy's fault. then i put that **** on him. haha it is definitely hard to be realistic when your heart is leading. i learn the hard way as well, but as difficult as it can be at times, i think i prefer it that way. i can't go on what other people tell me until i've experienced it myself. and then, no matter how much it hurt, i move on!
Divasu Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 You don't base a relationship, and all your interactions, on texting! TEXTING IS ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATION, NOT HUMAN INTERACTION. Instead of pondering over "text messages", redirect your energy into forming an actual bond in person. 1
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 i'm a very forgiving person as well. i usually blame myself, actually. unless i know for a fact that it's the other guy's fault. then i put that **** on him. haha it is definitely hard to be realistic when your heart is leading. i learn the hard way as well, but as difficult as it can be at times, i think i prefer it that way. i can't go on what other people tell me until i've experienced it myself. and then, no matter how much it hurt, i move on! I agree, you have to experience things yourself. People love to give advice (guilty as charged), but in the end, you are the one in the situation, so you have to be the one to feel it. I always believe in taking a risk, because I never want to live with regret. And you're right, it can really hurt, but I know how to pick myself up now. Did you hear back?
Author jefermelesyeux Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 You don't base a relationship, and all your interactions, on texting! TEXTING IS ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATION, NOT HUMAN INTERACTION. Instead of pondering over "text messages", redirect your energy into forming an actual bond in person. Yes, I agree. But as I mentioned above, I am trying to set up a second date with this guy so that we can have physical contact. But I can't do that if he won't respond to me. Which I guess should be my answer as to whether or not he's worth it.
Author jefermelesyeux Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 I agree, you have to experience things yourself. People love to give advice (guilty as charged), but in the end, you are the one in the situation, so you have to be the one to feel it. I always believe in taking a risk, because I never want to live with regret. And you're right, it can really hurt, but I know how to pick myself up now. Did you hear back? I always tell myself if I don't take risks, I'll forever wonder what could have been. And I don't like wondering; I'd rather the person be honest with me, even if it hurts. I haven't heard back yet, nope. But I'm not texting him anymore. I'm gonna let him come to me, as hard as that is for me. Hopefully he will miss me in due time.
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 I always tell myself if I don't take risks, I'll forever wonder what could have been. And I don't like wondering; I'd rather the person be honest with me, even if it hurts. I haven't heard back yet, nope. But I'm not texting him anymore. I'm gonna let him come to me, as hard as that is for me. Hopefully he will miss me in due time. That sucks. Sorry he didn't get back to you yet, I do hope he does though. It's so exciting to meet someone and get to know them, all those fun little butterflies in the stomach! So we're in the same boat, I haven't heard from New Guy either. Let them come to us. But yes, I'm like you...it's hard to just wait when you want something so badly. I'd rather a person be honest with me too because it hurts more when they make excuses, lie or simply disappear without an explanation. I'm saying this with my ex in mind. He was honest, but when the difficult times arose, he would just disappear on me, kind of felt abandoned by him. I would have preferred he tell me he wanted out instead of forcing my hand, but I think a lot of men, and women, are cowards when it comes to that. I'm so direct and I always state what I want. I've scared a few guys away doing that, lol...but at least it kind of weeded them out!
Author jefermelesyeux Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 That sucks. Sorry he didn't get back to you yet, I do hope he does though. It's so exciting to meet someone and get to know them, all those fun little butterflies in the stomach! So we're in the same boat, I haven't heard from New Guy either. Let them come to us. But yes, I'm like you...it's hard to just wait when you want something so badly. I'd rather a person be honest with me too because it hurts more when they make excuses, lie or simply disappear without an explanation. I'm saying this with my ex in mind. He was honest, but when the difficult times arose, he would just disappear on me, kind of felt abandoned by him. I would have preferred he tell me he wanted out instead of forcing my hand, but I think a lot of men, and women, are cowards when it comes to that. I'm so direct and I always state what I want. I've scared a few guys away doing that, lol...but at least it kind of weeded them out! i hope he does too! i keep getting the feeling that he's into someone else. if he is, that's fine; he doesn't owe me anything. i'd just be disappointed. personally, when i'm dating i think it's okay to date around, UNLESS/UNTIL it becomes more serious with one guy. but even after only one date, i was attached, had/have butterflies, and decided i wanted to pursue him. he and i met online, and one of the key points on his profile was that if he likes you, you may be subject to a random hug every now and again. and there were a lot of those on our date. it made me happy. i do enjoy the butterflies, but at the moment i'm not sure if i should wallow in them or be cautious. i wish there were more people like us who preferred brutal honesty! i like closure. if i don't get it, i'm too stubborn to see a reason to move on.
River Rain Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 i hope he does too! i keep getting the feeling that he's into someone else. if he is, that's fine; he doesn't owe me anything. i'd just be disappointed. personally, when i'm dating i think it's okay to date around, UNLESS/UNTIL it becomes more serious with one guy. but even after only one date, i was attached, had/have butterflies, and decided i wanted to pursue him. he and i met online, and one of the key points on his profile was that if he likes you, you may be subject to a random hug every now and again. and there were a lot of those on our date. it made me happy. i do enjoy the butterflies, but at the moment i'm not sure if i should wallow in them or be cautious. i wish there were more people like us who preferred brutal honesty! i like closure. if i don't get it, i'm too stubborn to see a reason to move on. Ha ha...brutal honesty rules, it's the only way to go. Enjoy the butterflies cautiously? Is that even possible? I have butterflies when I think of New Guy, but there is no reason for me to believe he could still be interested, I still think about him though and it gives me happy. I'm not a multi-dater at all. I just prefer to focus on one guy at a time. I mean, in the getting to know you stage, I don't mind chatting with other guys, but once any type of romantic suggestion is on the table, I zone in on that one Oh, the random hug thing? I'm TOTALLY stealing that line and putting it on my dating profile, lol...that's awesome! I'm a hugger!
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