Me vs Her

[Hadley]

Right, so I met this guy at the beginning of September. Now it's important that I mention here that he's been nothing but honest from the start. He'd broken up with his girlfriend very recently, though so we were texting dodged dating him for a month. At this point he cottoned onto my game and called me on it. I still wasn't sure it was a good idea but I met him for coffee, finally, due to persistence really. And the fact that he is super cute, obviously :-P!

 

Whilst out for coffee he informed me, quite openly that there was another girl he was seeing. All well and good, I like honesty, I also knew/know that he's still getting his life in order. Besides I'm dating others too. All kosher.

 

The problem here, is me. We've been on a couple of dates now. Only a couple. My free time is unfortunately limited, though I'm still putting a concerted effort in. He is very understanding, he is in fact lovely. Nevertheless I do try and keep a rather slow pace when dating people because I hate that smothered feeling that can so easily creep in.

 

As for contact between dates, we text/call all the time. Which I think, in hindsight is a bad idea and not something I have ever done before. Because things have progressed, probably a lot faster than they would if we had not been so unhindered over texts. Sexting clearly ruins dating!

 

Back to my point.

 

Now I'm all for multi-dating at first, and I have a pretty relaxed approach to sex. I'm not one of these girls that gets all emotionally attached immediately the second she drops her pants. I can get emotionally attached just fine before that :-S. However I do believe that if I guy is sleeping with me, he should *only* be sleeping with me. Controversial approach maybe, but that's my opinion. It's easily backed up because it takes me a while to build up the 'I want to jump you' mentality anyway.

 

The problem is with this guy, we're a few dates in and I'm totally ready to rip his clothes off. Thanks to my own silliness really. This wouldn't bother me if he wasn't seeing another girl regularly, I'd have just gone with it. I'm not pretending that I'm wonderfully moralistic.

 

The other girl though does bother me. I'm an insanely competitive person at the best of times.

 

I have not slept with him and now I find myself in a really strange situation. What he wants hasn't changed and I feel bad for the fact that what I want has. I feel as if I've entirely led him on with false hope.

 

I like this guy but I'm a big fan of not getting hurt, and to date him much more would leave me pretty gutted if he chose her ultimately.

 

On the other hand, it's only been a few dates and he's been dating her a lot more than me due to my lack of time and the fact that he lives an hour or so away. Why wouldn't he chose the girl who can give him more time?

 

He says he wouldn't sleep with more than one girl. I have no reason to distrust this other than, you know, human nature. Do I trust that and do what I really, really want to do? Do I play it safe and walk away?

 

More importantly will he think less of me than her if I'm sleeping with him and she isn't?

 

Should I just ask if the other girl wants a threesome and give him the green light to never have to choose? Who doesn't want to have their cake and eat it.

 

I guess what I'm asking (because I have a pretty solid view of how I'm actually going to proceed) is whether any girls or guys have been in this situation before.

 

What criteria do guys pick girls on?

 

Is he not that into either of us and just waiting for the 'perfect' girl to come along?

 

Opinions. Advice. Slaps of common sense all welcome please. And be gentle please. I'm new.

[dasein]

Welcome to the forum. You know the answer here. The amount and content of what you write suggests you are already becoming emotionally attached to this man who has told you 1) He is recently broken up, and 2) Already dating a woman in addition to you.

 

3) If he's a good looking guy who gets into sexting fast and is dating two women after a recent breakup, is there at least a small chance that there are even -more- women you don't know about? He lives an hour away and just got out of a R, people may sow oats after a breakup. 4) The Ex may even still be in the picture.

 

If you had come here and said you just wanted to bang a hot guy you met recently, sure, but you are in a little over your head already and I think you know it.

 

Nothing is for sure, but your odds of going ahead with the "NSA" sex and not being hurt in the end are very slim. I would not bet on them. Good luck on whatever you decide.

[MrCastle]

Should I just ask if the other girl wants a threesome and give him the green light to never have to choose? Who doesn't want to have their cake and eat it.

 

I hate my life.

[veggirl]

What is it you want? A serious relationship with him? Does he want a relationship?

 

I would ask him how long he plans on "multi-dating".

 

It sounds like you guys are on totally different pages...you want more than he does. And he is likely sleeping with the other girl-when he says he doesn't sleep with more than one person at a time, he can say that cause he isn't sleeping with YOU, just her.

 

I could never date a guy who was dating someone else for as long as you have been doing this. He would know by now if he wanted to be serious with one of you.

 

Also, considering you started sexting him after like 2 dates, I'd say the whole "maybe he will respect me more than he does her" thing is out the window.............

[Hadley]

Welcome to the forum. You know the answer here. The amount and content of what you write suggests you are already becoming emotionally attached to this man

 

I'm a writer, it's a curse, I also babble as much as I type. But you're not wrong. I get emotionally attached quickly, luckily it fades very quickly too. Swings and roundabouts. There is no chance of me getting out of any dating scenario without a mild dose of sadness. Even a few dates.

 

Even if i'm the one that ends things. *Sigh*

 

Luckily it's short lived sadness :-)!

 

I'd blame it on my gender. But it's probably just a unique mash up of my traits.

 

3) If he's a good looking guy who gets into sexting fast and is dating two women after a recent breakup, is there at least a small chance that there are even -more- women you don't know about? He lives an hour away and just got out of a R, people may sow oats after a breakup.

 

I could be naive but I don't think there are other girls. He has no reason not to tell me. He also claims (and yes I know this is highly debatable) that he only sexts me. Which I can sort of believe because seriously, this guy texts me all the freaking time.

 

If he's that fast with his fingers.... Then this thread is entirely redundant because I'm sleeping with him regardless :-p!

 

Also, I should probably add here that I am absolutely *not* looking for a relationship anytime soon. Which might seem silly. I just want to know that he's not pitting my skills against another girls.

 

Not that I'm even slightly worried she could keep up! :-p

 

4) The Ex may even still be in the picture.

 

I won't even pretend to know the answer to this.

 

If you had come here and said you just wanted to bang a hot guy you met recently, sure, but you are in a little over your head already and I think you know it.

 

Curses.

 

You're saying exactly what my common sense is saying. Mostly. Thank you :-)

[Hadley]

What is it you want? A serious relationship with him? Does he want a relationship?

 

I would ask him how long he plans on "multi-dating".

 

It sounds like you guys are on totally different pages...you want more than he does. And he is likely sleeping with the other girl-when he says he doesn't sleep with more than one person at a time, he can say that cause he isn't sleeping with YOU, just her.

 

I could never date a guy who was dating someone else for as long as you have been doing this. He would know by now if he wanted to be serious with one of you.

 

Also, considering you started sexting him after like 2 dates, I'd say the whole "maybe he will respect me more than he does her" thing is out the window.............

 

Last comment, ouch! Is sexting now in the realms of things that make girls easy? Are we not even allowed to talk dirty now? Geez. You know. Porn gets boring! Sorry, I don't have the updated 'how not to be a slag' handbook. I'm just going to shuffle back off to my corner and text somebody about the weather. :-(.

 

As a side note he isn't sleeping with her.

 

Apparently she has the handbook. :-(

Edited November 2, 2012 by Hadley

[xpaperxcutx]

You are giving him too much credit. A uy who respects a girl amd wants to cherish would hold back on any indecent acts; it's synonymous with a guy who goes out of his way to win a girl's heart. A good guy waits and he certainty would not sext if he wants to be on goid behavior.

[veggirl]

Well yeah umm sexting someone who you really barely know makes you look easy. There is no handbook it's just...common sense IMO? It makes it look like you are using sex or the idea of it to snag him. And that you will sext anyone who takes you on 2 dates.

 

That aside, if its a relationship you want from this guy, I would move on cause if he was into it, he wouldn't still be dating another girl.

Edited November 3, 2012 by veggirl

[Hadley]

Well yeah umm sexting someone who you really barely know makes you look easy. There is no handbook it's just...common sense IMO? It makes it look like you are using sex or the idea of it to snag him. And that you will sext anyone who takes you on 2 dates.

 

That aside, if its a relationship you want from this guy, I would move on cause if he was into it, he wouldn't still be dating another girl.

 

See I don't get that. I sext because sometimes the conversation goes that way. It's not like he's snagging any part of me other than my immediate attention right then. And apparently a dangerous ability to know exactly what I like. I'm not trying to be flippant about your opinion, but it bugs me a bit when people act like girls aren't allowed to be open about sex. Because it's assumed we're using dirty tricks to 'snag him'? Somehow pleasure is underhanded and devious?

 

I have no problem with girls having sex with whomever they like whenever they like. Sexuality is an open and wonderful thing. My boundaries exist because of my own emotional incompetence. If I had the ability I'd be sleeping with everybody that would have me :-P! I'd also be proud - if that's what somebody wants to do. Male or female. Where's the harm?

 

Why is it so heavily judged?

 

Honestly. It wasn't a tactic, it didn't even have much pre-meditation beyond, 'hey I'm horny'. No pictures have been exchanged and on dates there has been nothing beyond some snogging.

 

And a rather orchestrated grope of my arse whilst he was back-seat driving on my slot machine.

 

Wow that sounded dirtier than I intended. :-/

 

Yet because I've sexted with him, it somehow means that I've ruined the chase? Well, might as well sleep with him now the damage is done. Right? Likewise, since I'm already sexually and emotionally invested, what more harm could he do if I just go with it?

 

I'm not trying to be confrontational, sorry if its coming across that way. I'm just trying to wrap my head around your thoughts.

 

As for him not being interested because he's still seeing her. How many dates does it take you to realise you want to jump out of the sea, give up all the other fish, and hop into a fishbowl with just one? I don't want a relationship with him, I don't know him very well, which is part of my problem. I want him not to be dating anybody else seriously, this doesn't mean I would expect him to commit to me. That's a rubbish situation in itself.

 

'Hey, ditch the other girl, let's see if I like you enough to be your girlfriend in an indeterminable amount of time.' Then if I decide in a month I don't like him that much I've upset things for him and her. For no reason. Yes, yes, I know that's a natural part of dating and normally I'm all fine with that, but normally it takes me a lot more than a few dates to feel anywhere near this interested in somebody. Therein lies my main confusion.

 

I'm not worried about his interest levels. He's sweet, honest, he's lovely in fact, at least from what I've seen of him. As of yet I don't know him well enough to doubt him. I prefer to trust before I doubt, gives me less of a headache.

 

It's also way to soon for the poor lad to be needing to decide who he's most interested in and whether he even wants to focus on one girl. This isn't a critique of his intentions or his character and I never meant to make it that.

 

Shockingly this isn't about *him*.

 

It's about *me*. I'm the one who moved the goalposts without telling him, however unintentionally. I'm the wrong-doer in this scenario. He's doing exactly what he was doing a month ago. Now I'm the one who stands to hurt his feelings because I can't keep mine in check.

 

It was a query for advice in an attempt to sort *my* head out about the situation. I cannot alter his state of mind, or his feelings. I wouldn't want to.

 

I can however alter whether or not I stick around or bolt for the door. Decide whether I'm reading too much into this in an attempt to not get hurt, or whether it's a really hopeless situation and I'm just blind to it.

 

The more I talk about it though, the clearer I am on what I'm going to do. I guess thats what these forums are for right? And it's actually quite the opposite of what I was originally intending.

 

So thank you :-)!

[dasein]

From one male perspective, it's baggage in my case. Every woman who has started up the sexting early, and I don't even initiate many texts of any type until there's exclusivity, has turned out to have lots of issues. Fair or not, I will probably navigate some via that baggage going forward. Not a deal-killer, but a pink flag so to speak. In all likelihood, I'm in the minority among men on this issue, so who knows what your guy thinks or will think. One thing for sure, if he started it, he would be a hypocrite to judge you for being receptive to it.

[mickleb]

One word. Whole thing: Choo-choo! *crash*

[veggirl]

Hmm....

 

See I don't get that. I sext because sometimes the conversation goes that way. It's not like he's snagging any part of me other than my immediate attention right then. And apparently a dangerous ability to know exactly what I like. I'm not trying to be flippant about your opinion, but it bugs me a bit when people act like girls aren't allowed to be open about sex. Because it's assumed we're using dirty tricks to 'snag him'? Somehow pleasure is underhanded and devious?

 

All right well different strokes I guess...personally I wouldn't feel comfortable sexting someone I am just getting to know. Sexting is IMO a lot different than "having an opinion about sex". I mean I don't need to discuss pre-sex what I like/don't like...that's the fun part about sex, getting to know what one another likes naturally and while you do it. But to each their own.

 

I have no problem with girls having sex with whomever they like whenever they like. Sexuality is an open and wonderful thing. My boundaries exist because of my own emotional incompetence. If I had the ability I'd be sleeping with everybody that would have me :-P! I'd also be proud - if that's what somebody wants to do. Male or female. Where's the harm?

 

I don't care who people have sex with either, and I'm not judging you. I'm telling you that it gives off a certain impression (whether that is right or wrong is not the point) of you when you sext guys you barely know.

 

Yet because I've sexted with him, it somehow means that I've ruined the chase? Well, might as well sleep with him now the damage is done. Right? Likewise, since I'm already sexually and emotionally invested, what more harm could he do if I just go with it?

 

I don't know that you've "ruined the chase" but it's possible he sees you as "just sex" now. Possible that he doesn't, too!

 

As for him not being interested because he's still seeing her. How many dates does it take you to realise you want to jump out of the sea, give up all the other fish, and hop into a fishbowl with just one? I don't want a relationship with him, I don't know him very well, which is part of my problem. I want him not to be dating anybody else seriously, this doesn't mean I would expect him to commit to me. That's a rubbish situation in itself

 

Well I don't date more than one person at a time, ever. If I was him and dating Girl A, I would stop seeing her before I agreed to see you. You said it's been 2 mos, how much time does it take you to be able to WANT to date just one person? IMO if he really liked you, he wouldn't WANT to date another girl. But it sounds like you are fine with this being a casual, uncommitted thing, so that's cool.

 

I'm not worried about his interest levels. He's sweet, honest, he's lovely in fact, at least from what I've seen of him. As of yet I don't know him well enough to doubt him. I prefer to trust before I doubt, gives me less of a headache.

 

That's good, I am the same way.

 

It's also way to soon for the poor lad to be needing to decide who he's most interested in and whether he even wants to focus on one girl. This isn't a critique of his intentions or his character and I never meant to make it that.

 

In my experience when you meet someone you "click" with and you like, you just don't want to date other people. When I met my (now ex wah wah) it took one convo and one date and I wouldn't have accepted a date with anyone else. Maybe I am the weird one

 

I can however alter whether or not I stick around or bolt for the door. Decide whether I'm reading too much into this in an attempt to not get hurt, or whether it's a really hopeless situation and I'm just blind to it.

 

If you are to the point where you feel emotionally invested and to the point where he can hurt you, then it's time to talk to him about where you stand and what he wants I think. If you don't care and just wanna ride it out then go for it but it sounds like you are getting attached to him which is fine but I don't think it's good to ignore that just because you guys have been very casual up until now. I would ask him what he wants, if he is looking to continue to multi date.

 

Failing that, decide how long YOU are willing to wait, and then stick to that. Of course you can't control him but you can control how long you stick around for. Personally, like I said, I wouldn't date someone for 2 mos who was seeing someone else, I think you should decide how long you are okay with that for.