Papers ready to be signed but now both are hesitant, but think its too late

[c0036]

Very lengthy sorry. Hope you can make it through and offer up some advice.

 

First some background. Wife, 30, and I, 30, have been together since the end of our senior year of high school. Started out as friends then started dating. Dated on and off, mostly on after high school. We got pregnant when we were 19 and had our son at 20. Got married at 22 and had our daughter at 23. We have always been good together, great parents, best friends, hardly ever fought, etc, but we can both probably say that we were never head over heels for each other. We have been fortunate enough that I have been able to support our family and my wife has been able to stay home since a little after our son was born. But over the past few years she grew antsy and wanted more to her life.

 

Fast forward to earlier this year. We were out one night and ran into a man that owned a personal training gym. He basically hired her on the spot to be a personal trainer. She is a very fit and attractive woman and can see why he would want to hire her even though she had no experience. She was very interested and got certified in both group fitness and personal training. She started working and was excited and really seemed to enjoy herself. I supported her working, and took on more responsibility with the children and around the house as her hours were usually after 5. You can probably see where this is going, but one day I was blindsided, and I truly mean blindsided, as it was two days after I had just got a vasectomy that we decided together to get so that we wouldn’t have an oops baby. Well she starts a conversation out with how she is unhappy with the marriage and is not sure she wants to be married anymore. I did not handle this news very well, and the timing was pretty bad, but I basically told her if she was not happy, then she should leave, that I will be fine, etc. The next day when I was calmed down, I apologized and told her that I did not want her to leave, but the damage was already done. She ended up moving into her parents house, and I did not take this very well. She ended up coming back a week later but was not really wanting to come back. At this point she was basically checked out of the marriage. She stayed for about 6 weeks, all I tried to do was get her to try to work on our marriage. Counselling, etc, anything to see what we could do. She did not want to and stated that she no longer wanted to be married and ended up seeing a lawyer and scheduling appoints for divorce mediation. Once I finally gave up on the idea of trying to get her to work on things I told her if she wanted to leave again she could and she moved back in with her parents. Again, I did not handle the situation the best and was probably doing what a lot of people do when their spouse walks out, angry texts, insulting, etc. She stayed with her parents for about 3 weeks before she found a place to rent and moved in. All I wanted her to do was slow down some, but now she was renting a place, and we were both already going to mediation process to get the divorce started.

 

Now to me, during this time, my confidence was shot and ego was definitely down. So I figured the best thing for me to do was get out, have some fun, meet girls and that is what I did. I never really had that young single life that most people get to enjoy. So I went out met new people, dated and partied when it wasn’t my time with the kids. I will fully admit that from the time she left that I have had a handful of sexual partners. Some were one night stands, some were more casual dating.

 

Sorry if this is going back and forth, but back to the man that offered my wife the job. Lets just say that he is well known individual. He went to the same highschool as us but graduated the year before we got there. But we knew of him and we had some of the same friends. Well, I could tell that he was interested in my wife. It was fairly noticeable. And when we started having our issues she was talking to him on the phone, and meeting with him outside of work. I even approached him and asked for him to keep his relationship with my wife strictly professional. Well, about 4 weeks after she was in her new place, she informed me that she was in fact seeing him outside of work. That they were dating, and also were sleeping together. I trust her and fully believe that she is telling the truth that nothing between them ever happened while we were still living together, but I was still very angry with her. This man, is known for I guess being a player, and now he has my wife. This was early August and from then until about 3 weeks ago, our relationship was not very cordial. We still did the best with our kids and our kids were well taken care of. But outside of that, we were hardly on speaking terms and our mediation appointments were very difficult.

 

So now to about 3 weeks ago. She came over to pick up some more items and said she wanted to talk. She said that she is a mess, very emotional and that she is going through some rough times. I basically told her that if it wasn’t for her relationship with him, that I would still be willing to work things out, and that we could try on our marriage. Later that evening I decided that if I really wanted to be with her and want her back, that I should be able to forgive and forget and see where we stand. So we met the next day again to talk. I told her that I would be willing to see if we can fix our marriage issues and see if we can make this work. When I told her this, I was not expecting this response. She basically told me that she is in love with him that he loves her. I knew they were still dating and all that but was unaware that she actually had that strong of feelings for him. Once I sat on this news for a bit, I basically decided that I don’t think I could get over it and rescinded my offer to reconcile.

 

So now to this week, Monday to be exact. She came over and apologized. This was really the first time she has apologized for anything through this whole process. She apologized for moving so fast, for not trying to work on things and said that she regrets the decision to not to put in the effort to try.

 

So here we are. We just had our last mediation appointment. Papers are supposed to be signed at the beginning of January. Both of us are not sure if we want to sign. She states that yes, she does love him, but that if we can have a successful and loving marriage and the family be all together that it doesn’t even compete with him. She has stopped seeing him outside of work and I have not been seeing anyone else either. We actually carpooled to the mediation appointment and even kissed/made out when I dropped her off. We are both very conflicted. We both want the family back together. But now we feel so much has happened that it can’t be saved. She really, really enjoys her job. She has met new friends and I know that it is going to be very hard for her to give all that up. She knows that if we get back together that she can no longer work for him.

 

So are we too far into the process? Can we make it after this? Should we even try? I have been upfront and honest with her about my dating and sexual partners during the split and she is understanding of it. And to be honest, if she did the same thing, I don’t think there would be an issue, but loving someone else is pretty hard to get passed.

 

Sorry for the length, I am sure I probably even left out some important details but if you made it through thanks so much and would love to hear some feedback.

 

tl;dr

 

Been together since high school. Married for 8 years, 2 children (10, 7). Stay at home mom got a job and left shortly after. Moved into new place. Refused to work on marriage during separation. I have dated and have had several sexual partners since. She has fallen in love with her boss. At one point we were both fine with moving on and getting it over with. Now we are both hesitant to sign papers. She realizes that she made a mistake by moving so fast with the process. I have made several mistakes as well. Now we are stuck and not sure if it is too late, if we can get past this, should we even try.

[Decisiontomake]

I know this may sound really simplistic, but I don't think its ever too late - particularly if BOTH parties feel that way. Make sure it's not a panic reaction though in terms of the reality of the finalityof it hitting home. Good luck. I am sure someone with more advice will be along soon.

[carhill]

My only advice is to turn the settlement into a post-nup, with enhancements, should you both choose not to proceed to judgment. Her behavior during your marriage impels this advice.

 

IMO, if both parties have moved on to the extent of 'seeing' other people and at least one of them saying to the other that they 'love' someone else, call it done and get the seal and deal with any future changes of feelings when and if they occur. No operation of law (divorce) can keep two people apart who want to be together.

 

Welcome to LS

[Mr. Lucky]

So here we are. We just had our last mediation appointment. Papers are supposed to be signed at the beginning of January. Both of us are not sure if we want to sign. She states that yes, she does love him, but that if we can have a successful and loving marriage and the family be all together that it doesn’t even compete with him. She has stopped seeing him outside of work and I have not been seeing anyone else either. We actually carpooled to the mediation appointment and even kissed/made out when I dropped her off. We are both very conflicted. We both want the family back together. But now we feel so much has happened that it can’t be saved. She really, really enjoys her job. She has met new friends and I know that it is going to be very hard for her to give all that up. She knows that if we get back together that she can no longer work for him.

Wow. I could've written your story as I lived very similar parts of it. And based on my own experience, I can't help but wonder if her desire to reconcile with you is based primarily on her relationship with him having run its course. Painful as it is to consider, is she back only because her other options are limited?

 

Mr. Lucky

[c0036]

Thanks for the replies. I guess he is telling her that he loves her and wants to be with her and she is telling him that she wants to stop seeing him. She does not want to leave her job and knows that she would have to if we got back together. So she is basically choosing her job over trying to bring our family back together. Which definitely hurts.

 

She openly admits that she is miserable and that she has really messed things up. I know that we both wish we could go back and do this differently but we are where we are now and looks like there is no turning back.

 

Again, thanks for the replies. I wish I would have found this place several months ago maybe things would have been different.

[Soxfaninfl]

Sorry to hear that. Another broken home. So sad. Good luck

[c0036]

I agree with these posts. fwiw, if your W won't give up her job for your marriage, then there's not much hope. Another job can be found (yes, even in this economy). I sold a business for the sake of my marriage (years ago) b/c my H overestimated the amount of support he could provide me (mostly re: child care and scheduling). It didn't work out for us (we are now separated), but I can look in the mirror and say that I truly gave our marriage my best shot. That kind of thing matters, particularly when kids are involved.

 

I wonder if there isn't some deep-seated reason why she won't give it up, tho. There is some need there that needs addressing. Is she otherwise dependent on you for income? Has this been a control issue in your marriage? Its important for some women to feel they have this independence from their H, so that their reason for being married is because they *choose* it, not b/c they must in order to survive.

 

Just a guess at what might be her mindset regarding the job. There may be a way to reassure her that you will support her desire to work (assuming you do, not all men want this in a wife).

 

There has never been control issues in our marriage, but I have been the only source of income throughout the duration of our marriage. She enjoyed being the stay at home wife/mother but really wanted more to her life the past few years. I was always supportive of what ever direction she was taking at the time, and was completely behind her in her new career.

 

She still is pretty dependent on me for money. I have been writing her a check every month during our separation and she is going to rely on a lot of child support to just make it by after the divorce. She really enjoys what she does and feels like she couldn't get a similar position and job type elsewhere. I think she will regret this decision down the road but nothing I can do to convince her otherwise. As you said about looking in the mirror, I can do that and I can look at my children knowing that I tried everything and was willing to do anything, and unfortunately she will not. It seems like she knows this, and knows that she has messed things up, but she is more into moving forward and hoping things will get better for her instead of trying to fix things.

 

Thanks again.

[Mr. Lucky]

It seems like she knows this, and knows that she has messed things up, but she is more into moving forward and hoping things will get better for her instead of trying to fix things.

It's pretty clear that she has prioritized the job above the relationship. I think you've answered your own original question below:

So are we too far into the process? Can we make it after this? Should we even try?

"We" is both of you, you can't do it on your own. Sadly, seems like time for you to move on...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oracle]

Sign it and run

 

as hard as it is.

 

Cause she will just pull this sh*t downt the road. And you will kick yourself for not cutting the cord before.

 

You have seen what she is capable of.

 

History repeats. What starts in blood ends in blood.