RubySoho Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I have been with my partner for over four years and we are very much in love. He is a truly wonderful man and the centre of my life. We live in the US and have been for most of our relationship. About two and a half years ago I went back home to the UK for a job, it was for an important design commission which I felt was worth the upheaval and the sacrifice of being away from my partner. He had to stay in the states in his job, to maintain his/our visa. The job went on and on with endless complications and extentions. I ended up being away from him for six months. This is my first profound regret. It was a strain on the relationship and we wondered if our paths could ever be compatible. I met a guy through a neighbour, I fancied him but there wasn't anything meaningful between us. One drunken night we went back to his house and gave each other oral sex. I returned to the states quite soon after, having put it out of my mind. I never told my partner what I had done. Our relationship went through a difficult patch for a few months as we had both changed through our different experiences. Then it grew stronger and stronger until this year I feel that we are closer and more in love than ever. We are now engaged to be married. I feel sure that he remained faithful during my time away. Suddenly, recently, I have begun thinking about the night I cheated two years ago. I often find myself sobbing uncontrollably about what a selfish person I am. How could I do such an awful thing to my loving, incredible man? Every time he looks at me and tells me he loves me, I feel an overwhelming guilt and worthlessness. I feel I don't deserve him. I would never, ever do this again. I know how horrified he would be if I told him what I did. He might leave me. He would certainly find it difficult to trust me again. Telling him isn't really an option. Will this get easier to bear? He is the light of my life and I feel I need forgiveness from someone out there. I feel sad and desperate. Thanks for reading.
wallyy4 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 You sound like a very sweet lady, and if my opinion means anything, I say do not tell him. I also say that you have told yourself you would enever do this again, and thats what is important. You do not need to dwell on this, as it was a one and done. You sound lime an icredible wife, and any man would be lucky to have a wife like you. I would be happy to chat more with you, if you would like. I am [email protected].
drifter777 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Only you know what you can live with. I do think that you should come clean with your fiancé so he can decide whether you are still "wife material" in his mind - but that's just me. Let me also add that if I was your fiancé one of us would pack their things and leave immediately. From experience I know that living with the mind-movies of you blowing him would burn a hole in my heart. For me, it's unforgivable. If you decide to keep silent about it you must commit to remaining silent about it the rest of your life. I mean, how horribly selfish and unfair would it be to keep quite until after your married?
JamesM Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 First off.... Wally, two posts and in both you give out your email address. That will get you banned from LS if you keep it up. Simply offer your advice on the threads. It will be most beneficial. Second... If this didn't bother you so much, then I would say forget it. Honestly, it was oral sex. And you don't know for certain that he remained faithful in every way. But you plan to get married and then you may really feel the desire to tell him. It will be harder for the two of you when you are married. He would be better off if you told him now. Give him the choice to stay or leave. You are correct that it will be difficult for him, but if the two of you had a rough time or thought you may not be together again, then it is understandable that you may have strayed. Telling him now for your own good is probably best. Waiting until after marriage may be harmful for both of you...and for the possibility of a happy marriage.
dasein Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Coin toss on this one, OP it all depends on your capacity to put it behind you. You seem remorseful and unlikely to repeat. Generally he is better off not knowing, but it's case by case. I know many couples where this kind of one-off thing went on who are very happily married and have been for years. Good luck whatever you decide. 1
Cb3657 Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 (edited) Normally I would say you should try to live with this since telling will very likely destroy your relationship and it seems clear you are genuinely regretful and not going to do it again. In this case however it will come out sooner or later since the guilt you feel is building, not receding. One day, before or after your marriage, it going to pop out of you then there will be heartbreak, tell now before you marry, give him a eyes wide open choice, if you guys make it through your marriage will be stronger. Be prepared for a long period of trust rebuilding. Edited November 3, 2012 by Cb3657
abouttoloseit Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 So everyone is suggesting to keep this betrayal from the man you love? What you have done isn't wrong or right but keeping such a deceit is controlling the situation for your own selfish benefit - which, lets face it, is not very nice. Tell him the truth, so that he can make an informed decision based on fact whether to continue the relationship with you.
Author RubySoho Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Thank you for your advice everyone who posted. You are right drifter777 & JamesM - if I don't tell him now then I can never, ever tell him. Telling him may relieve the guilt of lying, but it would do more damage to the relationship. I still haven't decided what to do but it's good to have some different opinions. Thanks again. 1
karnak Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 So... Most people are advising this woman to hide the truth from her man and build a relationship based on lies and omissions? Has the entire world gone mad? Or is the world population being replaced by alien cuckolds?? This world is getting sicker and weirder. 4
nofool4u Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 I know how horrified he would be if I told him what I did. He might leave me. He would certainly find it difficult to trust me again. Telling him isn't really an option. But cheating and lying to him is? Will this get easier to bear? He is the light of my life and I feel I need forgiveness from someone out there. I feel sad and desperate. Thanks for reading. Will it get easier? Oh I'm sure you'll find a way to cope since you are too scared to give him the respect he deserves, and that is the respect of knowing exactly what kind of person to whom he is committed. So without the consequences from him, what are you going to do the next time you cheat on him, and yes, you WILL cheat on him again if the perfect opportunity arises with someone you want badly.
gaius Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 If you're just starting to feel guilty now it's probably because you don't really want to get married. Your body is trying to produce the desired reaction from him by driving you to confess. I would just tell him now and get it over with, rather than make the process much longer. You will just find some other way to sabotage yourself down the line.
drifter777 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Thank you for your advice everyone who posted. You are right drifter777 & JamesM - if I don't tell him now then I can never, ever tell him. Telling him may relieve the guilt of lying, but it would do more damage to the relationship. I still haven't decided what to do but it's good to have some different opinions. Thanks again. A counselor should be able to help you make and live with your decision. I would stress to the counselor that you don't want them to make the decision for you, just give you feedback and help guide you to do what's best for YOU in the long term. Whatever you decide, I hope you have learned how horribly damaging cheating really is. Nothing justifies it. If you are ever tempted again simply realize that something is missing in your committed relationship and start working on it. If you can't fix the relationship then end it before hitting the sheets with another man.
Spectre Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 (edited) I'm sorry, but did we just enter the Twilight Zone? How can people tell this girl she shouldn't come clean? The old excuse of "it's only going to cause him pain" is pure and utter garbage. It's ridiculous to suddenly be all concerned about causing him pain *after* the fact instead of before. If you truly cared about this man then you would tell him. You would realize that it may hurt him..having him stay in a relationship with you is basically him living a lie. Don't you want him to have a chance to be with someone who won't do this to him? It's utterly selfish not to tell him. Give him a chance to be with someone who deserves him. If this didn't bother you so much, then I would say forget it. Honestly, it was oral sex. And you don't know for certain that he remained faithful in every way. That's some messed up logic. Oral sex is still cheating, she still put another dudes penis in her mouth and the "you don't know for certain he didn't cheat" is equally silly. The topic creator made no mention of him cheating so we have zero reason to assume he did. Telling him may relieve the guilt of lying, but it would do more damage to the relationship. Cheating is what damages the relationship. Telling him might hurt him, but it allows him to live a life that isn't a lie and find someone who won't do this to him. You say you are truly in love with him? Prove it, since if you are then you wouldn't want him wasting anymore time with you. I mean no offense, but don't you think he deserves better? As someone who has been cheated on in the past trust me when I tell you that you are doing him a favor by telling him. Do not listen to the people who give the excuse of "you'll just cause him pain!". Think of it another way: let's say I get injured and I mess up my back real bad and I need a surgery to fix it. Should I not do it because the surgery will cause me pain? Or is the surgery worth it because the pain will eventually go away and I will have a better quality of life afterwards? Would any sane person tell me to *not* have the surgery? Basically I think you have two options: You don't tell him and you spend the rest of your relationship feeling horribly guilty and he spends the rest of your relationship basically being made a fool of by you and all your lies. Or you tell him and give him a chance to find someone who deserves him or maybe even give him a chance to possibly forgive you? Again for someone who is truly in love I can't even comprehend how you could consider doing anything but the last option. So do you actually love him? Actions speak louder then words and your actions so far tell me you don't. If you do then set him free, maybe he'll find his way back to you..but at least you are giving him a choice in the matter, and taking away that choice is just as bad as you cheating. Edited November 14, 2012 by Spectre
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