TexasCountryGirl Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 This is a question that I think most people have - (myself included) My Husband had an affair... when I confronted him … I received the typical “trickle truth” and it took several weeks for him to come clean. In trying to re-build and work through this … sometimes I have (or had) questions but I didn’t want him to feel like I was constantly trying to throw things up in his face. It was a double edged sword!!! I wanted to heal and leave things in the past .. yet I also needed answers. Without “answers” .. the questions would swarm in my head. One question in my mind would lead to another. And then two would multiple to four and I couldn’t seem to make them stop. It took us nearly 4 months to be able to come to the agreement …. But we have now agreed that it’s OK for me to ask questions … it’s hard for him at times because the guilt hurts. (I don’t ask many questions in regards to his affair anymore.. I have those answers from him.) For my husband ... his was triggered from: Attention – not that he didn’t have plenty at home … it was just the attention from a younger woman stroking the ego … the attention from someone new … the excitement and all that! Drugs – They just aren’t my thing and he decided to try cocaine one night while out partying and one night lead to two .. then three … it was the Utopia affect .. the feeling of ruling the world .. he felt like he could do anything he wanted without the thought of consequences! When the effects of the drugs wore off .. the guilt would hit him and cause too much pain .. so he would go out and party and use again just so that he didn’t have to think about it! For me to healing process never really started until I had the freedom to ask “Why” ... and more importantly to simply be able to ask … without the fear of causing a huge fight !!! with that said ... for those who have had affairs and betrayed your vows ... my question would be why? Why not just leave your spouse first? for those who have been betrayed ... what reasons were you given?
Just a Guy Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I have neither strayed nor been betrayed so possibly I do not qualify to answer your questions as per the conditions specified by you. However my view is that as a thinking human being I can weigh in with my thoughts and I hope these help in the ongoing discussion on your thread. When spouses first get involved in an affair they probably think it is just some harmless fun and if their spouses don't know about it it won't hurt them. This fallacious thinking precludes their breaking up with their spouses since at first, that is not what they want. As the affair develops and acquires a life of it's own it progresses to something which becomes exciting for the wayward spouse and that thrill of itself is enough to keep things hidden and on the surface of it, paint a picture of normality with one's spouse. However as all you betrayed spouses know, little signs start appearing which indicate that all is not well in marital heaven. Then too, the wayward spouse would like to have some insurance for himself/herself by keeping the primary relationship intact just in case things go wrong. It is only in some cases where the primary relationship itself is badly strained and the bond between the two affair partners goes beyond a certain threshold, that the two of them think of breaking up their primary relationships and form one based on their own defective one. Some honest people who have reached a stage of complete disenchantment with their primary relationships do divorce and then move to cement a relationship with the person for whom they have developed a fascination. However these are few and far between at least as far as I know. As far as betrayed spouses are concerned and what they were told, this forum has a rich collection of factual stories where the betrayer gave different reasons for what he or she did and I guess one can make a compilation of such reasons just by reading through such accounts. Hope this does begin to answer some of your queries adequately. My best wishes to you!
Got it Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I left a few weeks after the affair. I was already resolved in wanting to separate but working on the logistics. I had not had the final conversation with him though. We had many conversations though about not being happy, etc. I traveled a lot for work and realized that I was happier alone in a hotel room than home with him. At this point the affair started and that quickened my leaving. I did not want to see my ex hurt, that was never the intent so I left without being caught. He doesn't know about the affair, has happily remarried, etc. Why didn't I just leave prior? I was in the process but the affair was the final catalyst. Again as hard as it is to believe I didn't want to hurt him, I know leaving him was going to hurt him so it would be too hurts. Yes he was hurt by my leaving but there wasn't the extra blow to the ego either. I received nothing from the divorce so there weren't financial gains or child custody, etc. It was a very amicable divorce, we walked away with what we brought into the marriage, he started dating a few months after separation, had his (now wife) girlfriend move into our place about 6 months after we separated and he married a few months after the divorce was final. He is a good guy, just not the right guy for me. I am happy for him and glad to see that he is finally happy. I made mistakes definitely but I don't regret not telling him. I know that at any point he may find out and I would answer his questions but I don't regret the gamble. For my dMM, he didn't leave right away because of finances and the kids. He was trying to resolve debt to put them in a better place to divorce. They lived very separate lives in the marriage but he enjoyed seeing his kids often. Her affair caused him to have no major guilt towards her over cheating but he felt a good bit of guilt over wanting to divorce. He struggled trying to make a decision that was about his happiness and others happiness as well and was at a cross roads.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 At this point the affair started and that quickened my leaving. I did not want to see my ex hurt, that was never the intent so I left without being caught. He doesn't know about the affair, has happily remarried, etc. Got it, you're not the first person to express this POV here but it still leaves me wondering. You didn't want to hurt him so...you slept with someone else ??? How is this protecting your spouse in any way? Were he given a choice between losing you or having you be unfaithful to him, which do you think he'd have chosen? Mr. Lucky
Got it Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Mr. Lucky, I was divorcing him regardless. Me not leaving was not going to be an option. I didn't want to add insult to injury. So saying I am leaving you and oh yeah had the best lay of my life. I didn't want to hurt him more. But you are right, I still did it so I absolutely still ran that risk. And yes it would have hurt him. I guess I didn't see the point in coming forward on it. But no, I never second thought starting the affair. So yes I see the hypocrisy on it. Bottom line, he was always going to lose me. There is absolutely, zero, no way, that wasn't going to happen. What he didn't need to know, let me rephrase that, what I decided he didn't need to know, was the added salt to the wound. Yes I have played "god" with that information which some feel that he should know because he should know. I understand that mentality, I appreciate where they are coming from, knowing him, I didn't think it would add value. I never had sex with him again, or any sexual activity, after the affair so I didn't put his health at risk. We didn't have sex very often anyway. Mr. Lucky, thank you for the question.
Spark1111 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 My H was overcoming depression caused by a medical condition that almost bankrupted us...He felt like a failure. He felt unworthy. He obtained a new, high-powered position and crashed into her. She was D, lonely, and thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. She didn't know of his past; only what he chose to tell her. He said the hook was the attention, flattery and adoration she poured upon him...and yes, I didn't have time to as I was working three jobs to get us out of debt. He became very good at compartmentalizing his life: responsibilities, debt-reduction, financial obligations to get children in and out of college with me...and candle-light dinners with long, soulful talks in total privacy at her place with her, where she told him how wonderful he was. He said, he never wanted to lose me. He said he cared for her, but had no intentions of leaving me for her....but he was not truthful with her either. He said he thought he could control it....but it grew out of control as she fell for him hard, and he continued lying to her because he was a coward. Also, she bent over backwards to always provide the great escape when he could squeeze out some time; dinner, candles, funny jokes, laughed at his jokes and listened to his stories....like a girlfriend would. But when dday hit and reality came crashing down upon him, I threw him out to be with his soul mate. It was the last thing he wanted. Go figure.
Summer Breeze Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 My xH told me I wasn't there for him. To some degree he was right. We had grown distant over a few things but I never felt like I'd turned my back on him. He said he did. To me it didn't matter what the reasons were. I could care less what he told me or what he told her. He cheated. He made the choice and he cheated.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 Mr. Lucky, I was divorcing him regardless. Me not leaving was not going to be an option. I didn't want to add insult to injury. So saying I am leaving you and oh yeah had the best lay of my life. I didn't want to hurt him more. But you are right, I still did it so I absolutely still ran that risk. And yes it would have hurt him. I guess I didn't see the point in coming forward on it. But no, I never second thought starting the affair. So yes I see the hypocrisy on it. Bottom line, he was always going to lose me. There is absolutely, zero, no way, that wasn't going to happen. What he didn't need to know, let me rephrase that, what I decided he didn't need to know, was the added salt to the wound. Yes I have played "god" with that information which some feel that he should know because he should know. I understand that mentality, I appreciate where they are coming from, knowing him, I didn't think it would add value. I never had sex with him again, or any sexual activity, after the affair so I didn't put his health at risk. We didn't have sex very often anyway. Mr. Lucky, thank you for the question. Got It, thanks for your honest reply. It still seems to me you're using the end to justify the means and ignoring the fact that there's a difference between "it turned out all right" and "I did the right thing". But I certainly admit that, as someone whose first marriage ended when I discovered my wife's affair, I have my own set of biases. Glad to hear that both you and your exH are doing well today... Mr. Lucky
Realist3 Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 for those who have had affairs and betrayed your vows ... my question would be why? Why not just leave your spouse first? Because you have an established life. You are not going to throw all of that out the window for some unknown situation. "Hey, Honey, I just met someone who I think I may really like; so let's get divorced." Just not the way it works.
Got it Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 Got It, thanks for your honest reply. It still seems to me you're using the end to justify the means and ignoring the fact that there's a difference between "it turned out all right" and "I did the right thing". But I certainly admit that, as someone whose first marriage ended when I discovered my wife's affair, I have my own set of biases. Glad to hear that both you and your exH are doing well today... Mr. Lucky Mr. Lucky, I have never said it was the right thing to do or that I did the right thing. I did the right thing for me. It was the complete opposite for him, it was the absolutely wrong thing for him. Which is why I didn't see the point adding salt to the wound. I was done. I was moving on. I couldn't fit the square peg in the round hole any longer. And I have never had a moment of regret over the divorce. It was absolutely the right thing for me. I did feel guilt for hurting him. I felt guilt for putting myself first. I felt a lot of guilt asking for the divorce. I felt guilt for not being happy with him. I felt a lot of guilt over that. For a long part of our marriage. How could I not be happy with a guy who on paper is a great catch? It was a huge gamble I know. I was afraid he would tailspin when we separated. ANd you know what? For the first time the guy stood up, went to therapy, started exercising, and became happy. Not being in a relationship with me made him happy! That was a bit of a hit to the ego. But it was how I felt for myself and I was very happy he was happy. Yes it does relieve some of the guilt that he as done so well. He deserves it. Now those personality traits still annoy and frustrate me, the conflict avoiding, the lies of omission, but now it isn't my major problem so they are okay. I don't have my life tied to it and he can be him, I can be me, and we aren't trying to make it work. It is nice and it is a relief. Our lives are still intermingled due to business dealings together but it isn't the pressure cooker it once was. And I am sure my many annoying traits are at a wonderful arm's distance as well.
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