Feeling like my husband deserves better

[Decisiontomake]

Hi all

 

I've posted on here at various points regarding issues in my marriage - namely me feeling discontented and not sure if I want to remain in it - there are threads if any can be bothered to take a look!

 

My reason for posting today though is that I am starting to feel like my husband deserves better. He worships the ground I walk on, tells me he loves me all the time and is uber affectionate towards me. I'm just not able to return it in the same way as I don't feel like that. I have felt like that previously - we've been together 21 years, married 18. But I just don't at the moment - and have gone through phases like this before too.

 

I'm feeling selfish that I'm staying in the marriage whilst I try to figure my head out - am in IC - and whilst I'm not being horrible to him, and our time together is fine, my head is not and the questions of what I should be doing are with me 24/7.

 

Should I self sacrifice and make the cut - the self sacrifice being I'm not 100% sure I won't regret it and kind of think I should ride it out - but that makes me feel like I'm being unfair to him. Is a clean break the best way to give him a chance of being with someone who has the same amount of love for him?

 

This is a bit simplistic I guess as there's lots of elements involved, but this is my thought for the day and I'd appreciate any input. Thanks.

[robf1971]

Hi all

 

I've posted on here at various points regarding issues in my marriage - namely me feeling discontented and not sure if I want to remain in it - there are threads if any can be bothered to take a look!

 

My reason for posting today though is that I am starting to feel like my husband deserves better. He worships the ground I walk on, tells me he loves me all the time and is uber affectionate towards me. I'm just not able to return it in the same way as I don't feel like that. I have felt like that previously - we've been together 21 years, married 18. But I just don't at the moment - and have gone through phases like this before too.

 

I'm feeling selfish that I'm staying in the marriage whilst I try to figure my head out - am in IC - and whilst I'm not being horrible to him, and our time together is fine, my head is not and the questions of what I should be doing are with me 24/7.

 

Should I self sacrifice and make the cut - the self sacrifice being I'm not 100% sure I won't regret it and kind of think I should ride it out - but that makes me feel like I'm being unfair to him. Is a clean break the best way to give him a chance of being with someone who has the same amount of love for him?

 

This is a bit simplistic I guess as there's lots of elements involved, but this is my thought for the day and I'd appreciate any input. Thanks.

 

Wow you could be my wife..

 

This thread does certainly hit home for me, I have been exactly like your husband too. My wife also believes that our family will not be broken up but not just be 'different' ie co parents and will be great friends etc.

 

But to give you an input to how your husband might be feeling, he's probably getting sick of constant rejection, not having anything returned, you seemingly being utterly ungreatful for anything, you appearing incredibly selfish for wanting to break the family up.

 

Now I promise you he still loves you, but day by day he is getting more and more sick and tired of things, all he wants to do is keep his family together. I promise he also will be able to deal with it for a while, for me it's been 4 years.

 

However I am now at the point of snapping, if she decides to leave I'd never take her back after this level of disrespect. If she chooses to leave I would be so resentful I very much doubt whether I'd give her the time of day again aside from child issues.

 

So there you have it from someone who could be your husband, whether you regret it or not there probably will be no way back for you. It may well alresdy be too late and he's just putting on a facade for you and will snap one day and pack your bags for you.

[Decisiontomake]

Wow you could be my wife..

 

This thread does certainly hit home for me, I have been exactly like your husband too. My wife also believes that our family will not be broken up but not just be 'different' ie co parents and will be great friends etc.

 

But to give you an input to how your husband might be feeling, he's probably getting sick of constant rejection, not having anything returned, you seemingly being utterly ungreatful for anything, you appearing incredibly selfish for wanting to break the family up.

 

Now I promise you he still loves you, but day by day he is getting more and more sick and tired of things, all he wants to do is keep his family together. I promise he also will be able to deal with it for a while, for me it's been 4 years.

 

However I am now at the point of snapping, if she decides to leave I'd never take her back after this level of disrespect. If she chooses to leave I would be so resentful I very much doubt whether I'd give her the time of day again aside from child issues.

 

So there you have it from someone who could be your husband, whether you regret it or not there probably will be no way back for you. It may well alresdy be too late and he's just putting on a facade for you and will snap one day and pack your bags for you.

 

Thank your for taking the time to give me your perspective. It's not that I'm rejecting him in his eyes - I am acting totally normal around him, I'm just not feeling that way inside. Sometimes, as devastating as it would be, I wish he would just pack my/his bags and make the decision for me. I do still love him - which is why this isn't black and white - but not sure if that's just out of habit rather than a genuine, long lasting love. Thank you again though.

[robf1971]

It's not that I'm rejecting him in his eyes - I am acting totally normal around him, .

 

Cripes my wife tries to read my mind too lol. He can feel and see that you are rejecting him because that is what you are doing.

[KathyM]

I think you should explore this in counseling. It's perfectly normal to have periods in your marriage where you're just not feeling it for your spouse. But there is a lot you can do to turn this around and make your marriage one of love and passion. I suggest you seek marriage counseling with your husband to help you get to the stage of appreciating what you have, the man who adores you, and how you can get back those feelings for him as well.

[Soxfaninfl]

What is sad is your willing to throw away a marriage after 18 years and a man that loves you and worships the ground you walk on and gives you affection constantly. What more can you ask for? Wait till you get out there dating again. You'll find out the hard way that men like him are not always easy to find. A a lot of men are just interested in sex and don't want a relationship or anything serious, but you find out the hard way. Good luck.

Edited November 9, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Decisiontomake]

Cripes my wife tries to read my mind too lol. He can feel and see that you are rejecting him because that is what you are doing.

 

I guess I shouldn't laugh in the face of such an issue, but your quote did put a smile on my face! You're right though - and I guess I know that too, which adds to my feelings of thinking I should let him go and work through this on my own. If I come out the other end of it regretting letting him go then I'll have to live with that - that's probably the only reason that's stopping me at the moment - and again that's selfish. Jeez, it's like ever decreasing circles.

[Decisiontomake]

What is sad is your willing to throw away a marriage after 18 years and a man that loves you and worships the ground you walk on and gives you affection constantly. What more can you ask for? Wait till you get out there dating again. You'll find out the hard way that men like him are not always easy to find. A a lot of men are just interested in sex and don't want a relationship or anything serious, but you find out the hard way. Good luck.

 

Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing - throwing away a good marriage in the hope of going out on multiple dates. Give me a break - I'm trying everything I can here. I'm turning myslf inside and out to feel re-engaged - I'm not throwing away anything - I'm trying to work through it and do it with my husband's interests in mind too. I'm sorry but after your first post on this thread you'll get nothing but animosity from me - you were insensitive and rude and I can't take anything you say moving forward, in anything but a negative light. I'd ask you to leave my posts alone please.

[standtall]

Decision...do you guys have children together, and if so, are they still minors?

[Decisiontomake]

Decision...do you guys have children together, and if so, are they still minors?

 

We have two children, a son of 17 and a daughter of 14.

[Soxfaninfl]

I'm trying everything I can here. I'm turning myslf inside and out to feel re-engaged - I'm not throwing away anything - I'm trying to work through it and do it with my husband's interests in mind too.

 

Your husband will feel the same way I feel if you divorce him and he treats you the way he treats you right now. Don't be shocked when he's not friendly to you and doesn't want to speak to you again if you divorce. He will be hurt and devastated. He will barely want to be in the same room for very long. Don't be surprised either when you receive hostility and coldness from him after your divorced too if you have children together. I'm giving you the perspective that I felt as a man when my ex-wife felt like you and threw away our marriage after 9 years and didn't give it any effort. I'm giving you the harsh reality that you will face. At least you are trying everything. Good luck.

[Decisiontomake]

I'm giving you the perspective that I felt as a man when my ex-wife felt like you and threw away our marriage after 9 years and didn't give it any effort. .

 

Thank you for your more considered response - I appreciate it. Here's the key difference though - I am giving it every effort - I truly am. I don't want to be a divorcee, I don't want to feel like this - but sometimes you can't help but feel what you feel - I can't put my finger on it. I wish I could. My IC has helped in identifying certain things over the course of the relationship that have lead me here. Anyway, thank you for this post.

[robf1971]

. If I come out the other end of it regretting letting him go then I'll have to live with that .

 

The problem is you never know just how things are going to turn out.. I mean the practicalities of life will be more difficult, leaving aside the impact on your kids.

 

1. Finances will take a huge hit, money that could be put towards your kids future and wellbeing will be wasted on 2 separate households.

 

2. Have you lived alone before, it was great when I was 21, but a single parent of xx years , not so great. Lonliness sucks

 

3. Knowing that one day your husband may well introduce someone else to be a stepmother of your kids

 

I mean none of these are reasons not to leave a bad marriage but are factors to think about in your future life, and the practicalities of your happiness.

[robf1971]

Your husband will feel the same way I feel if you divorce him and he treats you the way he treats you right now. Don't be shocked when he's not friendly to you and doesn't want to speak to you again if you divorce. He will be hurt and devastated. He will barely want to be in the same room for very long. Don't be surprised either when you receive hostility and coldness from him after your divorced too if you have children together. I'm giving you the perspective that I felt as a man when my ex-wife felt like you and threw away our marriage after 9 years and didn't give it any effort. I'm giving you the harsh reality that you will face. At least you are trying everything. Good luck.

 

This is also something for the OP to consider. It might not seem a big thing right now but it will be.

[M30USA]

Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing - throwing away a good marriage in the hope of going out on multiple dates. Give me a break - I'm trying everything I can here. I'm turning myslf inside and out to feel re-engaged - I'm not throwing away anything - I'm trying to work through it and do it with my husband's interests in mind too. I'm sorry but after your first post on this thread you'll get nothing but animosity from me - you were insensitive and rude and I can't take anything you say moving forward, in anything but a negative light. I'd ask you to leave my posts alone please.

 

I understand that you're not wanting this marriage to fail, but that you also can't help the way you feel. Maybe your husband needs to take a break from treating you like a queen and spend a while with the guys, or going out for some golf, fishing, and just do what he wants to do instead of what you want. Maybe then you'd realize what you have.

[Soxfaninfl]

I don't want to be a divorcee, I don't want to feel like this - but sometimes you can't help but feel what you feel - I can't put my finger on it. I wish I could. My IC has helped in identifying certain things over the course of the relationship that have lead me here. Anyway, thank you for this post.

 

Yes, that is correct. You can't help the way you feel. That is good that your going to counseling by yourself but why not marriage counseling also? Maybe your love languages have changed? Maybe your husband is smothering you. My ex said I did too much for her and felt like I was smothering her but that how I showed my love too. At least you can be honest with yourself and say you did everything possible to save your marriage if your feelings for your husband don't change. I hope your feelings change. Divorce is expensive and being single parent isn't fun. You will need to get counselors for your kids. They will need that to help them get through it. Divorce is tougher on teenagers than it is for little children as they are more aware of what is going on and understand better what divorce means. Being divorced has a lot of challenges especially when you have children. Being single can be very lonely at times and dating and starting over isn't what it's cracked up to be.

Edited November 2, 2012 by Soxfaninfl

[MsOptimist]

My question to you is if your husband knows of your uncertain feelings, and if he knows you're trying to work on things. Does he know you are in counseling?

 

When my husband claimed he was unhappy he said he'd been trying on his own for so long, but he never told me of his unhappiness. I couldn't try to help if he wasn't open with me in the first place. He came to his decision of a divorce all on his own and I felt like the door was slammed in my face with no possibility of trying to work things out because he was so far checked out by then. That was very cruel.

 

If your husband doesn't know what you're telling us here, you need to tell him, and you need to engage him in trying to work things out to see if they can be worked out. This isn't a one-sided issue, no marriages are.

[Decisiontomake]

My question to you is if your husband knows of your uncertain feelings, and if he knows you're trying to work on things. Does he know you are in counseling?

 

When my husband claimed he was unhappy he said he'd been trying on his own for so long, but he never told me of his unhappiness. I couldn't try to help if he wasn't open with me in the first place. He came to his decision of a divorce all on his own and I felt like the door was slammed in my face with no possibility of trying to work things out because he was so far checked out by then. That was very cruel.

 

If your husband doesn't know what you're telling us here, you need to tell him, and you need to engage him in trying to work things out to see if they can be worked out. This isn't a one-sided issue, no marriages are.

 

Hi there, Yes, I have been completely honest with my husband regarding my confusion, and he knows about my IC. I agree with your sentiments.

[2sunny]

If you're that unhappy - tell your husband!

 

And tell him EXACTLY what YOU need from him to get happier in the marriage.

 

Be specific with him!

[MsOptimist]

Hi there, Yes, I have been completely honest with my husband regarding my confusion, and he knows about my IC. I agree with your sentiments.

 

I'm glad you've been honest with him about your feelings and that you're in IC. Is he willing to try marriage counseling? If he does love you as you say he does, I'd think he'd be willing to try anything to see if you can re-ignite any feelings for him and the marriage.

[Gunny376]

IMHO, ( And that's all it is my own honest OPINION worth all of about 2 cents) what your dealing with here is "feeling" aka emotion.

 

Feelings aren't right nor wrong, (Except when they lead to what is clearly a immoral, unethical, or illegal act or decision.) Feelings can very much lead one down a wrong path and poteionally to more trouble than one can handle. With one's family members, friends, their job, their career, even the law ~ either civil or criminal.

 

One thing about "feelings" is that you need to stop and take the time to think things through. "Feelings can lead you to become not only involved with but in love with someone who is the absolutely worse person in the world for you mentally, emotionally, psychologically, physically (The beat the ever loving hell out you and you scream your undying love for them as the cops haul him off to jail, and your happy azz off to the hospital for example.)

 

Feelings can lead you to leave a perfectly good solid, happy relationship. I think it was Willie Nelson's third wife that left and divorced him and then went on Oprah crying her eyes out because she had done so and NOW he wouldn't take her back!

 

Happens everyday. People think marriage is the norm for the human species. Its not. Its the culturally, socially, religious proposed norm of what is "suppose to be" the norm!. The fact of the matter is? It is and can be damn hard work. Espeically when there can be so many "wild card" variables to the equation and internal and external influences.

 

With eighteen years of marriage under your belt? I'm assuming (a dangerous thing to do on the internet ~ I know) that your fortish something. You as a woman can always find yourself a FWB, etc. But finding a good quality man is going to be someting entirely different.

 

I've seen it in the newspapers, in Dear Abby, Dear Annie, on here about women in their forties and fifties who can't even find a date? I can't speak for any and all men, but somewhere I can to the conclusion that all the crap a man has to go through, put up with, deal with, choke down on with women? Its not worth it if your just in it or out for a piece of azz. Its not worth the investment of time, effort, energy and money.

 

I pretty much don't give a damn if the sun don't rise. I pretty much could care less if I ever get married again, in anothe relationship, or even get laid again.

 

Feelings aren't right nor wrong ~ they just are. They come and go and change like the wind ~ and certainly with time, your enviorment, circumstance. Bottom line? They can't be trusted to make a good solid founation decision with life alternative consequences. In short? Don't make short term decisions with long term consequences!

 

Go out and get the latest edition of Playboy. Find a quite spot. Open it up and look at the Playmate of the Month centerfold with filtered lens and airbrushed glossy photos and eight hour face and body makeup. Then close your eyes and concentrate ~ focusing ~ visualizing meeting her with your "almost husband but with flaws ~ who I love but I'm not in love with"

husband. Think long and hard. (Men can substitute the current (Secretly in the closet gay) heart throb ~ beef cake)

 

The following is a country song by Toby Keith "Who's That Man" Unless you potentially want to experince and live the lyrics to it? I'd think long and hard ~ long and hard. Because its ONE HELL OF A MOTHER TRUCKER THAT WILL WRENCH YOUR EVER LOVING GUTS OUT, SHAKE YOU TO YOU CORE AND BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES.

 

A WHOLE DIFFEENT LEVEL AND WORLD OF HURT AND PAIN LIKE YOU'VE NEVER FELT NOR EXPERIENCED BEFORE!

 

Turn left at the old hotel

I know this boulevard much to well

It hasnt changed since ive been gone

This used to be my way home

They paved the road to the neighborhood

I guess the county finally fixed it good

It was getting rough

Someone finally complained enough

 

Fight the tears back with a smile

Stop and look for alittle while

It's plain to see the only thing missing is me

 

That's my house and thats my car

That's my dogs in my backyard

There's the window to the room

Where she lays her pretty head

I planted the tree out by the fence

Not long after we moved in

 

There's my kids that's my wife

Who's that man running my life

 

If i pulled in would it cause a scene

They're not really expecting me

Those kids have been through hell

I hear they've adjusted well

 

Turn around in the neighbors drive

I'd be hard to recognize in this pick up truck

It's just an old fixer up

 

Drive away one more time

Alot of things running through my mind

I guess these things change

Boy they never seem the same

 

That's my house and thats my car

That's my dogs in my backyard

There's the window to the room

Where she lays her pretty head

I planted the tree out by the fence

Not long after we moved in

There's my kids that's my wife

Who's that man running my life yeahh

 

That's my house and thats my car

That's my dogs in my backyard

There's the window to the room

Where she lays her pretty head

I planted the tree out by the fence

Not long after we moved in

There's my kids that's my wife

Who's that man running my life

 

(Who's that man) whos that man running my life

(Who's that man) (who's that man) whos that man running my life

(Who's that man)

 

Who's that man running my life

 

(Who's that man)

 

You think your un-happy now? Think a damn'gain!

Edited November 2, 2012 by Gunny376

[Cb3657]

Just for your consideration, this sounds very much like how my parents split when I was young(19) There is no way for you to not come out looking like the bad guy, when their divorce started we all loved them both and held them in high esteem.

by the time the dust settled we all had varying degrees of dislike for my mom and her actions had evaporated all the respect we had for her. She has spend the rest of her life since then trying to be happy and to find a good reason to explain to us why it happened "codependent, PTSD etc.." it all sounds like BS. She had a good life with someone who treated her well, loved her and was a good husband and father.

We all talk to her regularly still but she can never recapture the respect. Whenever she tries to give advice now she just gets a eye roll.

Not saying this will happen to you but I garentee she never thought 20 years of respect could evaporate that fast.

Good luck I really hope you can reengage

[Diogenes]

Thank you for your more considered response - I appreciate it. Here's the key difference though - I am giving it every effort - I truly am. I don't want to be a divorcee, I don't want to feel like this - but sometimes you can't help but feel what you feel - I can't put my finger on it. I wish I could. My IC has helped in identifying certain things over the course of the relationship that have lead me here. Anyway, thank you for this post.

 

Sounds very much like the classic symptoms of a MLC, a lot of women hit this at perimenopause, their feelings toward their husband disappears. My wife went the same way, I find out after the fact she was feeling much like you, but never indicated to me what she was going through, even when I asked repeatedly "what's wrong"

[Diogenes]

Just for your consideration, this sounds very much like how my parents split when I was young(19) There is no way for you to not come out looking like the bad guy, when their divorce started we all loved them both and held them in high esteem.

by the time the dust settled we all had varying degrees of dislike for my mom and her actions had evaporated all the respect we had for her. She has spend the rest of her life since then trying to be happy and to find a good reason to explain to us why it happened "codependent, PTSD etc.." it all sounds like BS. She had a good life with someone who treated her well, loved her and was a good husband and father.

We all talk to her regularly still but she can never recapture the respect. Whenever she tries to give advice now she just gets a eye roll.

Not saying this will happen to you but I garentee she never thought 20 years of respect could evaporate that fast.

Good luck I really hope you can reengage

 

The same thing is happening with my kids, they are slowly pulling away from my stbxw as more and more of the truth comes out. The more I read about this flight of wives for good marriages, the more I'm convinced it's tied to hormones. A good read on it is the "Female Brain" which nails this down in large part to changing hormones in women in their late 30's to mid 40's, women who admit their husbands have done nothing wrong, but the dream of divorce, or treat their husband in such away to drive them to do it for them.

[Tiberius]

Well you can take the divorce as an opportunity to not be selfish and not take him for all he is worth.