paradigm shift Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Help me out guys!!! Tomorrow am discussing the kids' schedule. Right now, H sees them every weekend, but is often at our house or does something with one kid and not both. This leaves me parenting 24/7 pretty much all month. He has a studio apt. in the city, so it is pretty small and he has said that both of them do not have the same interests etc and he could take one at a time-which still leaves me with parenting 24/7. Now, I have been the 24/7 parent in our relationship especially since we have had LDR for the past 4 years. But by still being married, it was implicit that if I wanted the day off, he would be there. Now it is not. As you all know, I do not want this separation and want to be back with H eventually. How do I broach this subject and give him input as well?
robf1971 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 . He has a studio apt. in the city, so it is pretty small How convenient!!
Author paradigm shift Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 Actually it's the second year we (now he) have leased it and he is looking for a bigger place for sure. I need some ways of saying "Dude, step up..." in a nice non-threatening manner
robf1971 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Actually it's the second year we (now he) have leased it and he is looking for a bigger place for sure. I need some ways of saying "Dude, step up..." in a nice non-threatening manner Right now he has it all his way, love nest in the city, kids when he wants them, wife to look after them at all other times. In fact it's even better for him as you having the kids full time means it will be harder for you to have a social life and heaven for bid meet someone new. If you are happy with this or feel it is fair then by all means keep the status qou. (not the 80's British band). Now he is telling you that he no longer wants you as a wife, to me that would suggest certain consequences ie 50/50 childcare, him changing jobs closer to home, you going out to work also therefore not being beholden to him for money (another advantage to him). Equals = fair Question is how do you phrase it? 1
jf2good Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Parenting is a 24/7 job, when was it not. I guess you don't work, else you could put the kids with a babysitter. Your post sounds selfish. You don't want to divorce your husband, yet you say he isn't being a being a father. Why would anyone want to be married to man who isn't a father to his kids. So this leads to my question, are the kids even his? How did all the single moms before you ever raise kids? How do they get a day off? How do you broach this subject? How does any married women say to the father, watch the kids now, I am going out for X, I will be back X, call me if needed. Your separated, not divorced, so all the marriage rules for parenting apply.
M30USA Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Right now he has it all his way, love nest in the city, kids when he wants them, wife to look after them at all other times. In fact it's even better for him as you having the kids full time means it will be harder for you to have a social life and heaven for bid meet someone new. If you are happy with this or feel it is fair then by all means keep the status qou. (not the 80's British band). Now he is telling you that he no longer wants you as a wife, to me that would suggest certain consequences ie 50/50 childcare, him changing jobs closer to home, you going out to work also therefore not being beholden to him for money (another advantage to him). Equals = fair Question is how do you phrase it? My ex could say the same about me. But I fought for primary custody of the kids--and lost. So if she DARES tell people that I have my little ideal situation seeing them every other weekend, that's deceitful and shameful of her. I didn't want this. She did.
Tiberius Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 If he was the one leaving, you should be more worried to not being taken advantage of. If you want reconcilliation and he gets a new woman, it will be hard on you.
eleanorrigby Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 I agree that he should take both the kids on his visitation time and do it somewhere other then your place. You said you don't want the divorce and are trying to be nice to facilitate reconciliation but try not to agree to things that are not going to work for you in the event of a divorce.
Author paradigm shift Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 Parenting is a 24/7 job, when was it not. I guess you don't work, else you could put the kids with a babysitter. Your post sounds selfish. You don't want to divorce your husband, yet you say he isn't being a being a father. Why would anyone want to be married to man who isn't a father to his kids. So this leads to my question, are the kids even his? How did all the single moms before you ever raise kids? How do they get a day off? How do you broach this subject? How does any married women say to the father, watch the kids now, I am going out for X, I will be back X, call me if needed. Your separated, not divorced, so all the marriage rules for parenting apply. Actually, I work and go to school and parent and the kids are his. Wow, jf...rough day? I am asking for advice, not a lecture, not a mommy and not a post full of implications. By the way, your paragraph does NOT lead to the question "are the kids his?". I truly hope today is better for you and yours . 2
Author paradigm shift Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 Thanks all for input. I am going to set a schedule today. Kids are old enough to be on their own if I am working or out, but I guess I feel that he gets the easy route...no kids, no caring for anyone else but himself etc etc. I have always been the primary caregiver, but now things have changed. I guess my point is if they have changed, then seeing your kids on a schedule away from my place can be one of those changes. Actually, nothing has really changed for him except he now has his total freedom. Am I a little pissed when my entire world is different now? Yes. Am I trying to deal with it gracefully? Yes. Am I entirely successful? See small amounts of bitterness seeping out in above sentences lol!! That's why I ask you guys. I can vent a bit, weigh all the advice (most of it anyway ) and come to a conclusion....Thanks!
carhill Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 How's IC going? For respondents, here's some backstory: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/350743-husband-wants-separate-permanently Myself, if in such circumstances, I'd have my lawyer draft a parenting agreement adjunct to a legal separation action, and specify custody, visitation and support elements. These can be as reasonable and accommodating as the party's choose but they would have the power of the court behind them. As long as H feels no consequences for his choices, he'll continue to make choices that support his status quo. That's human nature. Force is required to overcome inertia and generate motion. Simple physics. Good luck 1
Author paradigm shift Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 Thanks Carhill. I will sit today and make a schedule with him(he is late....) and if it does not seem to be working, then I will roll my rock from a bigger hill, as you suggested...that should increase momentum. IC is going very well. I said I had shut down some social media sites I was on and she said I was now in advance counseling -lol!! Am now leaving cell phone in car at night as well, so not checking to see if any comm. every two minutes. Grad school counseling, here I come! IC is really saving my bacon right now!
riverratt Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 PS - if at all possible, give your children a choice in the schedule. It gives them some sense of control over an otherwise ugly situation. Initially, my H wanted a week on/off schedule for our son. Not b/c it was in our son's best interest, but b/c this way he could schedule work conferences, trips, etc. I felt we needed to ask our son what he wanted, which turned out to be our present 2/2/3 arrangement. He didn't want to go a whole week w/o seeing either of us. If my H needs to go away (and he has) then he must coordinate with me and ask me politely for coverage (what a concept!). It may be your children are too young to give them input, but I think its healthy for them when possible. +1...My son has a lot of control over where and when he stays. He isn't a tennis ball.
Author paradigm shift Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 My kids are teens, so they will be consulted heavily during this. They have expressed interest on a one on one with father simply because two teens DD and DS have different tastes etc. when spending time with H. I am cool with that As a bit of a threadjack, as to him being late (over two hours) I texted and said that since he was so late that the kids and I had continued on with our stuff and we would have to look at schedules/ finances tomorrow. I also said do not misconstrue the tone of this-it is simply that our lives are now separate from yours and the same way you would not keep a client waiting that long, neither should you expect us to wait, so please call if you cannot make it etc etc. Pretty proud of myself since I really wanted to say "Who the f@#$ do you think you are...not calling not showing??!!??" That little game stops today . He apologized, I said apology accepted and have a good day, see you tomorrow at designated time 1
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