Sugarkane Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 My boyfriend mentioned marriage weeks ago, casually in a conversation about something else. Then last week he said to me If we're still together he wants to propose to me in 2 years. I didn't know what to say. I didn't think something like this would happen to me.
whichwayisup Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 What do you mean you didn't think this would happen to you? A man would want to marry you? Do you love him and can you see him as your husband, spending the rest of your life with him?
carhill Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 'Oh, honey, if we're still together in two years, I'll propose to you' Must be generational. If marriage is on my mind, I propose an engagement so we can proceed with that. With a ring. And a Santa suit Anyway, good luck and hope it works out. 4
MuscleCarFan Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 My boyfriend mentioned marriage weeks ago, casually in a conversation about something else. Then last week he said to me If we're still together he wants to propose to me in 2 years. I didn't know what to say. I didn't think something like this would happen to me. Do you look forward to a marriage with him?
Mr. Lucky Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Then last week he said to me If we're still together he wants to propose to me in 2 years. I agree with Carhill. Google "Agreement to Agree" and you'll be able to understand his intent... Mr. Lucky
Author Sugarkane Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 What do you mean you didn't think this would happen to you? A man would want to marry you? Do you love him and can you see him as your husband, spending the rest of your life with him? I didn't want to get married etc growing up. But it made me think more about it when my cousins got engaged/ had kids. I don't want to end up marrying a verbally abusive, over controlling and domineering man like my mum. My mum is a doormat and I don't want to be like her. Also guys lie so much to get into your pants, how do you work out if they're telling the truth.
Author Sugarkane Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 'Oh, honey, if we're still together in two years, I'll propose to you' Must be generational. If marriage is on my mind, I propose an engagement so we can proceed with that. With a ring. And a Santa suit Anyway, good luck and hope it works out. I think it's because we haven't dated long and he wants to wait until he's more financially stable. My boyfriend is graduating in a few weeks from uni.
Author Sugarkane Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 What do you mean you didn't think this would happen to you? A man would want to marry you? Do you love him and can you see him as your husband, spending the rest of your life with him? I just want to be with him all the time. And I don't want to share him.
Author Sugarkane Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 I don't know how important a ring is. When family friends never married but have been together decades and have lasted long than married family. Also my cousin is married yet cheats on his wife.
Author Sugarkane Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 ...meaning he has no intention of marrying you but wants to manipulate and string you along, under the (perhaps false but widely accepted) assumption that "all women" want to get married and holding that carrot out. "If we are still together in two years" means "if something better comes along I am dumping you, but if two years go by and I still haven't found anything better, I will use you as the fallback position." Ouch I hadn't of thought about it that way.
pcplod Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 ...meaning he has no intention of marrying you but wants to manipulate and string you along, under the (perhaps false but widely accepted) assumption that "all women" want to get married and holding that carrot out. "If we are still together in two years" means "if something better comes along I am dumping you, but if two years go by and I still haven't found anything better, I will use you as the fallback position." Well, THAT is always POSSIBLE but not even necessarily PROBABLE, never mind INEVITABLE. The work of a finely tuned mind of a battle-hardened cynic. I understand. The trouble is that only you know him. Do you know him well enough? Do you understand the dynamics of the relationship between you both as it is at present? Let's face it, there are ALL SORTS OF POSSIBILITIES. He could be the sort of guy who is reserved and cautious and doesn't want to put all his cards on the table all at once only to find himself humiliated and rejected. Maybe he is incredibly presumptuous and just assumes that you are singing from the same hymn-sheet as him. Maybe he thinks that you expect him to be assertive over this matter and not expect there to actually be some sort of explicit negotiation about it. Maybe he is quite genuine in his intention and planning right now but who knows what the situation might be two years from now? Or for you for that matter? Does that make you feel any more certain about the situation? Gooood! PS If he is playing you in order to play the field, what is always good for the goose is equally as good for the gander. Just sayin'.
Got it Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 Sugar, please don't overthink it. It is probably a bit of wishful thinking on his part, some fantasy, some future planning, etc. It is a lovely thought of his which says he thinks you are a special girl. But two years is a long time (which is good)! You all haven't been dating long, like you said, enjoy the time, get to know each other and see how good the fit is. The two serious relationships in my life, we dated in each for over 4 years. It is a big decision to move to marriage, take it slow, enjoy the scenario and see what happens. Love is a gamble and marrying is as well. There are no certainties that who he is today, and who you are today, will stay constant. Our goal is to always come to a happy compromise but we grow, evolve, and change. Maybe you guys can look at some couples counseling to really work on your developing foundation and make sure its solid. The foundation you two are creating now is what will carry you through in marriage. Nurture it, nurture each other, and make sure that both of you are actively putting energies into it every day. I understand your childhood issues, IC would be very good for you to address there. So you can learn the properly coping skills and you can learn to trust your gut, trust yourself, and know that if things aren't going well you will know it before it gets there. I have similar concerns for myself that I will wake up one day in a relationship like my parents. But that disaster wasn't built in a day so neither are my relationships. Take it as a compliment, brush it off though as future fantasy, and focus on today. 1
carhill Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 I think it's because we haven't dated long and he wants to wait until he's more financially stable. My boyfriend is graduating in a few weeks from uni. IMO, if the relationship is healthy, continue as is and watch for actions from BF which show his consistent progress to achieve his plans in the short term; IOW, watch to see that he does what he says. If he does, then his 'if we're together in two years' begins to have support in facts rather than words. At your ages, with him just graduating from his education, time is on your side. I just want to be with him all the time. And I don't want to share him. You can have that right now. If he's your boyfriend and you've agreed to an exclusive monogamous relationship, you should already have it and 'sharing him' is a moot point. If other, please clarify. 1
Author Sugarkane Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 Thanks could be any number possiblities. I just can't stand it how my parents think you have to be married just to leave home. We aren't religious or a minority. They have always been over protective despite me being a cliched good first born. I wish I could swap with my co workers troubled rebellious teen sister. I said to my mother once if I never marry what am I supposed to do live at home until I'm 40? I can't stand their lies.
Got it Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Thanks could be any number possiblities. I just can't stand it how my parents think you have to be married just to leave home. We aren't religious or a minority. They have always been over protective despite me being a cliched good first born. I wish I could swap with my co workers troubled rebellious teen sister. I said to my mother once if I never marry what am I supposed to do live at home until I'm 40? I can't stand their lies. If you are an adult, why are you letting your parents dictate your life? If you want to move out on your own, move out. Not sure about the comment about minorities??? Maybe your parents like you being around, maybe they don't want to see you as fully grown up, maybe they are afraid for you, maybe you are a third party distraction from their relationship, maybe they have sexist views. There are a host of reasons why they may feel that way but that doesn't have much to do with your decision making power. Tell them you appreciate their feelings, you love them, but it is time to fly the nest. Staying there and complaining keeps you in that teenager perception. You aren't stuck there. 1
Els Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Thanks could be any number possiblities. I just can't stand it how my parents think you have to be married just to leave home. We aren't religious or a minority. They have always been over protective despite me being a cliched good first born. I wish I could swap with my co workers troubled rebellious teen sister. I said to my mother once if I never marry what am I supposed to do live at home until I'm 40? I can't stand their lies. You've complained about this multiple times over the past years, here. What exactly is preventing you from moving out? You absolutely don't have to be married to move out, but as long as you allow your parents to dictate this for you, they will continue to do so. You really should not fall into the trap of considering marriage just to move out from home. That also being said, your reasons for NOT wanting marriage are very concerning to me. There are many good reasons for choosing not to marry yet (or at all), but 'I don't want to be tied down to a domineering abusive man' is... not normal, if your partner has never shown any hints of such behaviour. You need to talk to someone about your constant paranoia about men abusing you, especially if it has had roots in the past, because it's not healthy. I can assure you that if a man wants to abuse you, he does not need to be married to do so.
Author Sugarkane Posted November 7, 2012 Author Posted November 7, 2012 You've complained about this multiple times over the past years, here. What exactly is preventing you from moving out? You absolutely don't have to be married to move out, but as long as you allow your parents to dictate this for you, they will continue to do so. You really should not fall into the trap of considering marriage just to move out from home. That also being said, your reasons for NOT wanting marriage are very concerning to me. There are many good reasons for choosing not to marry yet (or at all), but 'I don't want to be tied down to a domineering abusive man' is... not normal, if your partner has never shown any hints of such behaviour. You need to talk to someone about your constant paranoia about men abusing you, especially if it has had roots in the past, because it's not healthy. I can assure you that if a man wants to abuse you, he does not need to be married to do so. It's not paranoia, I have been abused by a man when I was younger. I don't feel like the therapist I was referred to was that qualified to help.
Author Sugarkane Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 My boyfriend asked me about whether I want to settle down in the future again last week. I said maybe.
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