mid-divorce Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 last summer following the death of my mum, I started with depression - this lead me to drink in the evening after work - this caused alot of arguement in my marriage. In OCt my wife final told me that I needed to stop as she wasnt happy. I did and we had a good time through nov-apr, a great xmas and went away a few times - all seemed fine. My wife then started to become distance with me, which started to cause arguement again as something was wrong but she kept telling me all was ok. I thought at this point she may be having an affair. We went to marraige councilling and started going out for meals , cinema etc and things seemed to be getting better, but I could see my history on PC that she had been in tough with a solicitor and looking at houses, so again the arguements started. She finally admitted that she thought about leaving but decided to stay and sort. The next thing i know she tells me she is leaving to have a break but still wants to sort and cont marraige councilling and dating - at the same time i find out and ex bf is in touch with her, but she say they are just friends. 10days after leaving she tells me she wants a divorce. This puts me in panic and i do everything i can to change my issues and to show her i love her. She tells me she has but the divorce on hold and although she doesnt think she loves me will give it some time to try and get her feelings back. After 3 months of doing all i can to sort, I find out the divorce has been going a head all along. I then tell her that i know and she says she is sorry and now wants to be good friends. I then find out that the ex she is now seeing and has been for months. I do a week or two being friends, going for tea sending pics , chatting etc and im very confussed. Following advise from here etc, i tell her last week i dont want to be friends but will be civil for the kids. My posistion as it stands... I still love my wife and want her back but we arent in contact other than the kids, i know she has no feelings for me and is with someone else. Any advise???
2sunny Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 You can't be friends while someone is screwing you over - she's made herself the enemy by cheating - treat her accordingly!
Author mid-divorce Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 You can't be friends while someone is screwing you over - she's made herself the enemy by cheating - treat her accordingly! Even though I love her and want her back?
2sunny Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Even though I love her and want her back? You need counseling. Deal with your low sense of self and why you would beg someone to be with you when they've treated you so poorly.
Author mid-divorce Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 You need counseling. Deal with your low sense of self and why you would beg someone to be with you when they've treated you so poorly. I cant help that I love her and want my family back
trippi1432 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Still not the "Whole Picture"....last summer doesn't add up to how long you both have been vested in the relationship. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother OP, losing those closest to us is hard, but we have to cling to those who love and understand us, the families we build..spouses, children. As to an affair...I've read both of your threads and they confusing as to whether she IS having one or she became unhappy with the depression. We all look for the easy answers...but for the whole picture I think there is more history perhaps?
Author mid-divorce Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 (edited) We have been together 13years, married 10, 3 kids ages 3,5 and 11. She became unhappy with the depression - but then started the affair One other factor - 8 years ago my wife left me for 6months saying it was all over then came back Edited November 2, 2012 by mid-divorce
trippi1432 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 (edited) Okay....going by your initial post in the other thread and this thread...you are both quick to change and quick to blame...nationalities?? Culture? Mute point on her leaving before...my exH left 3 times because he hit me, like the Western Country song...I considered him gone. Edited November 2, 2012 by trippi1432
paradigm shift Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I cant help that I love her and want my family back check out 180. It is not ignoring or cold or hurtful, but you go on with your life. She never sees you unhappy or begging. No relationship talk ever at this point, unless broached by her. Validate, say "I understand why you feel that way" and do not be helpful in letting the divorce go forward. Do not hinder it, but don't discuss it other than "This is not what I want, so you will have to do the leg work." Get a lawyer, get into counselling and good luck. You can want her back, but it doesn't mean that it will happen. So you have to be prepared for all eventualities. Burying your head just means you will be that much more unprepared for any and all eventualities down the road. Given your history of substance abuse, get into IC right away. Good Luck!
Author mid-divorce Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 (edited) Thanks ppl I am facing the fact it is over, but do keep that small hope that something changes Both british, christans Edited November 2, 2012 by mid-divorce
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