Post break up with a compulsive liar

[theLWord]

So I've been NC/broken up for one week today. I was the dumper but it doesn't make it any easier. I still miss her but at the same time I'm realizing how much I ignored and made excuses for her lying. She would lie to me about anything that didn't matter, her stories from her past didn't add up. At one point she told me, "I sometimes lie to people and I don't know why." And why I stayed, I don't know. Now that the fog is trying to clear I feel very confused. I don't know what was ever true, what wasn't true. I feel like I was beaten up. I feel emotionally confused and feel the whole relationship was a lie now.

 

Even now I will think of something I know she lied about but still be unsure as to whether I was really right for not believing her. For example, the reason we broke up is she claims she didn't get my texts (which seems small but it was just one of many problems.) I must have sent 15 texts because at the time I was freaking out because I felt like she was doing something behind my back. (We also were Long distance for at year at 3.5 hours away.) She said she didn't get my texts because she didn't have service. I know for a fact that when I don't have service, my phone gets backed texts when I get service again. Now I can't help but wonder, am I wrong for assuming she didn't get my texts? What if she genuinely didn't get my texts?

 

Also, one time she told me she was really sick and was in the hospital overnight and "I didn't even care." So I told her to take a picture of the hospital bracelet because I didn't believe her. She got very defensive, was screaming, and I never let up on her sending a picture of it. She eventually caved and told me she didn't really go to the hospital but was going to, she just didn't have anyone to watch her daughter. Looking back now, it was crazy that she would lie about that just for me to feel sorry for her. However, there's been more stories similar that I can't even remember because she was always so good at smoothing them over and making me doubt myself.

 

When will I stop second guessing myself? How do you recover from feeling like YOU were the crazy one? I'm also a little scared that I'll never be able to believe anyone. Won't it be pretty obvious when I run into a person like this next time?

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited November 2, 2012 by theLWord

[mishy]

i kind of had a similar experience with a guy who lied large very early on, but i ended up seeing him again 6 months later and overlooked it- and then for 5 years i wondered what was real and what wasnt. I was up at 3am a few nights ago with that exact foggy head feeling just wodnering well what the h is the truth? how can i ever know?

 

I am sure he didnt know he was lying half the time.

 

You will never figure it out, and whats teh point? You need to just decide whats best for you, and because you sound very much like me a week ago i would advise to stop trying to work it out, and just look after your health for teh time being. then the fog will slowly lift

[KatZee]

That's the thing with these liars. They start to f.uck with your head after a while, and after a while you don't know up from down and you don't know what is true and what is false.

 

My ex was a compulsive liar. Not about everything but about things regarding our relationship. Lied to me about still having feelings for the ex, lied to me about keeping contact with the ex. lied to me about cheating with his ex, lied to me about where he was and who he was with, lied to me about what he was doing. He lied about situations, he lied to make himself look like a victim when he never was.

 

I know he tried to justify his lies with, "Oh I don't want to hurt her" and he once actually told me that he kept in contact with his ex behind my back because he was a "good guy" and "just wanted to be her friend." So apparently being friends meant screwing her too.

 

I always found out everything, I don't even know why he continued to try to lie but each time he did the trust got less and less and less and less until there was absolutely nothing and I felt nothing but disgust for him.

 

I think these people have serious mental problems. No integrity, no morals, they are either cowards too scared to tell the truth, or just enjoy emotionally manipulating others. The whole hospital lie your ex told you is beyond low.

 

I have no idea how you trust someone again. My ex was a great actor and an even better liar because he definitely had the wool over my eyes for a long time and I thought he was the greatest person on earth. I can't even tell you what you should look out for because if someone wants to lie and hide things, they will and they'll do it very well.

 

I actually was reading this thing about "how to spot a liar" and honestly my ex fit none of it. He would look me right in the eyes and lie. He wouldn't fidget, or look away. He'd look directly at me and be totally sincere.

 

The only thing you can do is have faith and try to be more selective in who you choose and if you notice the lying right off the bat, get out.

[Ramzk001]

Lying to someone ends in bad way. There was time in my life in which i lied to girl i really loved, and she loved me too. I lied to her because i didnt want to lose her. But i did lose in the end.

 

Never lie!

[KatZee]

Lying to someone ends in bad way. There was time in my life in which i lied to girl i really loved, and she loved me too. I lied to her because i didnt want to lose her. But i did lose in the end.

 

Never lie!

 

Yup. That's why my ex lied to me as well. He said he didn't want to lose me so that's why he didn't confess to cheating when he first did it. As if letting time go by makes your lying any less severe?!

 

At least you learned your lesson! I still think my ex lives with his head up his a.ss. He didn't learn a thing.

[InAFog]

I'm going through almost the same thing. I had to leave my bf of 5 and a half years because of the lying and betrayals.

 

At the end i felt like i didn't even know who he really was, or if there even WAS a real him because he would lie and change his opinions and beliefs depending on who he was around. It was a scary feeling to have about someone you'd been living with and built a life with. It's scary (and sad) to think that the person your were with might not even have really existed and you didn't know them.

 

I wasted alot of years with this guy. I'm trying to find out now how to forgive myself for not seeing it and when i did, making excuses for him. I don't want to waste more and more time over him, but i think it will take me a long time to heal and get over all this.

[kt1012]

I dated a liar too... He would lie about some stuff that was really stupid and some of it was important.

 

He had told some of our friends that he was a cop and even gave them details about some of his "traffic stops".... He was a jailor and if you guys don't know... They don't carry guns, they don't drive cop cars and make traffic stops and here in TX they are not licensed anything... They are basically security guards.

 

He would tell me that his ex was basically stalking him and wouldn't leave him alone, said she broke into his house. I later found out this was all BS.

 

I still sometimes think about some of the stupid stuff he told me and now I can just laugh at how dumb he was.

 

You will never really feel confident in anything she ever told you, now that you know she is a liar...

 

Don't feel bad for not trusting her, it's her own fault!!!

 

I would stay far away from this one and try not to let it bother you.

[21flames]

I'm going through almost the same thing. I had to leave my bf of 5 and a half years because of the lying and betrayals.

 

At the end i felt like i didn't even know who he really was, or if there even WAS a real him because he would lie and change his opinions and beliefs depending on who he was around. It was a scary feeling to have about someone you'd been living with and built a life with. It's scary (and sad) to think that the person your were with might not even have really existed and you didn't know them.

 

I wasted alot of years with this guy. I'm trying to find out now how to forgive myself for not seeing it and when i did, making excuses for him. I don't want to waste more and more time over him, but i think it will take me a long time to heal and get over all this.

 

That is exactly how I felt but even more strange because she lived with me right till then end then moved with someone to avoid being alone.

 

Over 5 years she used to come out with some bizzare lies about places she was going or things she was doing and it was so obvious she was lying, then when confronted she would get really defensive and we would row.

 

My family kept telling me to get out and I didn't even though these strange situations where common.

 

I dread to think how many people she actually went with behind my back, she would never admit a thing, would try and make out I was mad, the only time she did is when I caught her red handed and I really had to prize it out of her.

 

To the poster, you where not mad, stop trying to second guess, you will never know the truth.

 

You will meet a decent person and I'm sure you will spot a person like this again because they are like it from the start

[21flames]

My ex told me she was abused as a child and I was the only person she had every told and I have always wondered if that was true because of how much other stuff was lies

 

It made me wonder if that is why she is like she is.

 

If it was lies than that is below low and seriously sick and twisted

[InAFog]

My ex told me she was abused as a child and I was the only person she had every told and I have always wondered if that was true because of how much other stuff was lies

 

It made me wonder if that is why she is like she is.

 

If it was lies than that is below low and seriously sick and twisted

 

That is low if she lied about it. Makes you wonder how well you really know people.

 

I heard my ex respond to someone asking him how he felt about our breakup and he quoted WORD FOR WORD something i had said about a week before in our last discussion about our relationship. It was like he didn't even have any of his own feelings. He had to steal mine.

It was very strange. Lots of things like that are popping up in my head lately in retrospect. Things i didn't really notice at the time. I'm beginning to think he may be a sociopath. Nothing but a mimic.

[21flames]

God that is strange he did that, like you say you wonder what feelings he had for you.

 

I hope she never lied about the abuse but she only every spoke about it once, I will never really know.

 

She could have said it to make me believe how much I ment to her by telling me something nobody else knows if you get me.

 

I hope not but it still wouldn't justify what she did to me and what she does to other men.

 

There must be some severe underlying issues though for people like this that they can't face up to and makes them the kind of people they are.

 

We didn't even have a ' discussion'. I acussed her of cheating the previous weekend and she flew off the handle, telling me what an ass I was, the problems are all me, I don't want a future, she did with me but dosen't now, she wants me out, we should split.. She had not one nice thing to say, no feelings.

 

I move 4 days later, straight after she is never at the flat we shared for 3 years, we rowed, she carried on lying denying and saying we agreed it was are problems ( I agreed on problems but I new there was someone else ), and 2 months later she has moved in with new unlucky man and took are pets

 

Nice .

[kt1012]

I had a friend who told like 3 different guys that she was raped and they were the only ones she had ever told..... BTW I know for a fact that it is a lie!!! CRAZY

[InAFog]

God that is strange he did that, like you say you wonder what feelings he had for you.

 

I hope she never lied about the abuse but she only every spoke about it once, I will never really know.

 

She could have said it to make me believe how much I ment to her by telling me something nobody else knows if you get me.

 

I hope not but it still wouldn't justify what she did to me and what she does to other men.

 

There must be some severe underlying issues though for people like this that they can't face up to and makes them the kind of people they are.

 

We didn't even have a ' discussion'. I acussed her of cheating the previous weekend and she flew off the handle, telling me what an ass I was, the problems are all me, I don't want a future, she did with me but dosen't now, she wants me out, we should split.. She had not one nice thing to say, no feelings.

 

I move 4 days later, straight after she is never at the flat we shared for 3 years, we rowed, she carried on lying denying and saying we agreed it was are problems ( I agreed on problems but I new there was someone else ), and 2 months later she has moved in with new unlucky man and took are pets

 

Nice .

 

That's awful. I truly sympathize. I also lost my home and my pets. That was one of the hardest things. God it hurt to tell my pups and cat goodbye!

 

It becomes a very fine line as to what you're grieving over. Losing the person and relationship, and losing everything else- life as you knew it. You're comfort, home and family (furry tho it may be)! Long after i stopped thinking i wanted him back i still would have given anything to have the rest of it. And it made me SO angry that he had gotten it all. Its a hard, hard thing...

[theLWord]

Thanks for the replies. Sorry you all had to deal with liars as well, but glad people can relate. I guess the main problem is I don't understand the motive for lying. But I'm not a liar, so I never will. I just have to stop questioning things because really even if I found out all the truths, (slim chance could do that anyway) I don't really want to know anyway. Maybe liars are so insecure they need to have fake lives and build themselves up..they always need attention and I don't think can ever love anyone, not even themselves. They struggle with having an identity. Its sort of sad, but really I'm just getting to the point of anger and disgust with her now. One day I just want to be able to trust someone, have an honest relationship, and know that they respect me enough to never treat me like a piece in their ego boosting/needy game.

 

I'm trying not to care about the past now or replay things. I do know, I will never be treated that way again, and I am going to be much better by working on myself and continuing NC.

[21flames]

That's awful. I truly sympathize. I also lost my home and my pets. That was one of the hardest things. God it hurt to tell my pups and cat goodbye!

 

It becomes a very fine line as to what you're grieving over. Losing the person and relationship, and losing everything else- life as you knew it. You're comfort, home and family (furry tho it may be)! Long after i stopped thinking i wanted him back i still would have given anything to have the rest of it. And it made me SO angry that he had gotten it all. Its a hard, hard thing...

 

Yeah it's very hard, especially after spending nearly every day together in that place, I suppose I wasn't brave enough to leave, you get comfortable in the home life even if the relationship is in tatters, are pets where 2 stray cats we took on and a rabbit we picked together who I loved, I don't see how she can take those into a new life as they where a part of ours, will that not be a constant reminder to her, considering she hasn't split with me properly too or had time to get over us?

 

I was the trier and the more I look she wasn't and was in an emotional relationship for months but still keeping are life together which I don't understand, you do just question everything.

 

We would only have sex once every 3 or so weeks and that was for a good 2 years before the end, not for the lack of me trying, it makes me wonder if she was seeing others all though that time or if she didn't fancy or love me, either way she still kept me with her and I put up with it.

 

L Word I think your handling it really well and looking at it logically, it's so hard after been with a person like this after giving your all and there are so many things you look back at and question if they where true or why they happened.

 

All I know is when I am ready for a new relationship I will not dive right in, I will take it slow and really get to know someone because I really can't be with a compulsive liar again and go through all that sh*t again.

 

I Want to really be able to trust someone and vice versa because a relationship should be based on trust and I know I have a lot to offer.

Edited November 3, 2012 by 21flames

[Billi Caine]

Hi TheLWord,

You have been involved with a lying addict - not somebody who lies for personal (or other) gain. She is a sick person not a bad person. To help you understand, here's some background information...

 

I need to differentiate between “PATHOLOGICAL LYING” and “COMPULSIVE LYING” first.

 

I define “Pathological Lying” as “the actions of someone who deliberately and intentionally lies for financial, material or some other gain with no care or consideration to how their lies will affect or harm others.”

 

I define “Compulsive Lying” as “the compulsive need to lie as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life.”

 

However, as “compulsive liars” often premeditate their lies as well as lie when driven by the compulsion to do so, I do not feel the term “compulsive liars” adequately covers the condition of lying as a reflexive way of life.

 

“ADDICTION” on the other hand is defined as “The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.”

 

So, “LYING ADDICTON” is therefore hereby defined, for the first time, as “The condition of being addicted to lying as a normal and reflexive way of responding to

life where the intention is not to cause harm to others.”

 

The “lying addict”, therefore, is not someone who, say, is cheating on a loved one and lying all the time about it (although lying addicts could do this of course – like anyone could). A lying addict is somebody who is addicted to lying in order to live.

 

THE SCIENCE OF LYING ADDICTION IN SIMPLE TERMS

 

Constance Holden, writing in 2001 in “Science” magazine - the worlds leading journal of original scientific research wrote “Scientists have traditionally confined their use of the term “addiction” to substances that clearly foster physical dependence. That's changing, however. New knowledge suggests that, as far as the brain is concerned, a reward's a reward, regardless of whether it comes from a chemical or an experience. And where there's a reward - as in gambling, eating, sex, or shopping - there's the risk of getting trapped in a compulsion.”

 

Lying as a behavioral addiction is “rewarding” for the lying addict (as we shall soon see) and, therefore, just like any other behavioral addiction, causes physiological changes in the brain and body just as any other drug addiction does. Today, brain scans of addicts (including behavioral addicts) reveal defects in the brain’s pleasure center that processes the “pleasure chemical” dopamine.

 

Whether these defects happen as a result of the addiction itself or are there at birth is irrelevant. What is important however is that the more a person feeds their addiction, the more extensive the defect in the brain’s pleasure center is over time. And in addition, over time, a person - including a lying addict - will need to do more of the drug or activity or engage in riskier and riskier behaviors to get the same “fix” or “high”.

 

Science also shows us that not only do certain drugs affect neurotransmitters in the brain but behaviors associated with doing that behavior do too. For example, just seeing a syringe can stimulate a rise in dopamine levels in the brain of heroin addicts because of the learned association between syringes and their drug addiction. In the same vein then, just the thought of lying in lying addiction can cause a rise in dopamine levels too.

 

THE IMPORTANCE OF SEEING ADDICTION AS A DISEASE

 

Seeing addiction as a disease is essential to understanding addiction and, as a society

and world, to do something about eradicating it. Addiction has been scientifically proven to be a disease through many brain studies and therefore by default this fact conclusively bypasses all moral questions.

 

Not that you would know this listening to the mainstream voice on addiction which – unless you are a celebrity – treats addicts like scum of the earth. The mainstream voice is bullying to addicts – pure and simple. The mainstream has zero interest in helping our collective addiction problem. Instead it hinders it with it’s holier than thou judgmental poison.

 

But whether the mainstream voice accepts it or not, addicts do have a disease and

 

should be treated as such. Whereas someone with cancer or diabetes gets sympathy, flowers and chocolates, addicts get hatred, are ostracized and are ridiculed. But none more so than someone who lies all the time. They are probably the most hated of all people with an addiction. This is very wrong. Non-pathological lying, as defined above, is an addiction like any other.

 

It is not a moral issue and should never be treated as such.

 

The following is a self assessment test for lying addicts which may help you to understand lying addiction better. See how many you think she fits...

 

ARE YOU A LYING ADDICT?

 

If you suspect you are a lying addict, the following self assessment questions will help you determine whether you are or not…

 

1. Is your life out of control because of your lying?

2. Is your mind obsessed with your lies or lying?

3. Do you lie every day?

4. Do you fail to do what is important and normally expected of you because of your lying?

5. Do you risk aspects of your personal safety and the safety of your loved ones in order to lie?

6. Are you in danger of losing loved ones because of your lying?

7. Does your body crave the experience associated with lying so strongly that you feel you have to lie?

8. Have you ever decided to stop lying and lasted only a couple of days?

9. Do you ever wish people would mind their own business about your lying and stop telling you what to do?

10. Have you had problems in the last year because of your lying?

11. Has your lying caused you problems at home?

12. Will you lose your support system if you tell people about the lies you have told them?

13. Do you tell yourself you can stop lying any time you want even though you keep lying when you don’t mean to?

14. Have you ever felt like your life would be better if you didn’t lie?

 

A “yes” response to any of these questions suggests you may be a lying addict. Also, the more “yes” responses the more likely it is that you are a lying addict. However, only you can define yourself as a lying addict. That is nobody’s job but yours.

 

Hope this helps,

Big Hug,

Billi Caine

 

Copyright © 2012 by Billi Caine