Negative Nancy Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Deep down do you really want that? Everyone feels like they want that but when they get it, they are scared of it. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-doc/200911/fear-real-intimacy Sounds like it might be of use for you to read. Just food for thought. very good post, I was about to say that all of ES' postings have "committment issues" written all over them ever since that rocky relationship with her ex. no wonder she wanted to be with hot and cold guy, with him the perfect push-and-pull dance was possible. if you want to read a book on the topic, a good start would be steven carter's "he's scared, she's scared".
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 I ended it with the other guy just now. I hate hurting people but I just don't feel "it". Plus he wanted to be exclusive and delete dating profiles from the get go. I simply didn't like him enough for that. Such is life
Leigh 87 Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Compromise. Look, if you and a guy have something special..... I would honestly just tell them how you are: tell them that, as an introvert, constant communication drains you, but you genuinely like them enough to want to strike a compromise. Perhaps you can stand to see tham a tad more than you would like, but that is still bearable; and they can also adjust, and see you enough to keep them happy, but not quiet as much as they would like.
Leigh 87 Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 I ended it with the other guy just now. I hate hurting people but I just don't feel "it". Plus he wanted to be exclusive and delete dating profiles from the get go. I simply didn't like him enough for that. Such is life But one day you are sure to find a man who you DO truly like enough. You could throw away a really good thing if your actually INTO the guy, but unable to communicate the ideal conditions you need for your dating life. With a person you truly, truly "feel it" with, one day; you will have to compromise on issues like this all the time. You need to be able to communicate to the right guy, who your into enough to want something with.
xxoo Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 Thanks for that. Yep, I also feel like I want and fear intimacy at the same time. Might explain why you fell so hard for the unavailable boss.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 And whoever said that I have walls, that's an understatement. My walls are up so high, that I doubt that there is a guy patient enough to break them down. And why would I deserve such a patience anyway? There are tons of girls out there that are easier to handle. I think when you really like someone, you put up with more. My walls are pretty high, too, and I'm really impressed by how patient my boyfriend is being with me as I let them down. He's doing the same thing, and I'm being patient with him. We really like each other, so it feels worth it. When you feel strong compatibility and attraction, you find ways to figure it out. I've come close to dumping him at least a dozen times - because that's just what I do. When things get hard, my flight instincts kick in. But I'm realizing that if I want to be in a loving relationship, I can't just keep running away forever. I think when you meet a guy you really like, who really likes you, you'll feel the difference and things will get... not easier, but - you'll feel stronger and more capable of handling your differences and communicating about them. 1
TheFinalWord Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 So I met someone recently who I kind of like. Ever since we went out, he has been in non-stop contact. I mean the night after our date, he texted me number of times and he calls every day. This is a bit too heavy for me - I need time to ease up into a relationship, rather than a constant contact from the get go. A text or two a day is fine, but more than that and I feel suffocated, even if I really like the guy. I question my own readiness for a LTR, since I generally find that guys that are open to it and really into me, don't give me enough space. I am a loner/introvert and constant communication drains me. Even in the later parts of relationship (like with my ex) one of my frustrations was that he never gave me enough alone time. So basically it comes down to this: 1. A guy is into me and goes full steam ahead 2. A guy is not that into me but takes it at the pace that suits me more. Neither is good. I need a guy that is into me and willing to give me space/time alone. Or perhaps I am just not ready for a LTR, despite my age. I feel you ES. You're a good woman and you only deserve the best! The girl I am dating now is very independent and also more introverted like me. I think that is the key is the independence. I dated a girl that I felt literally waited by the phone for when I got off (she had no full time job, hobbies, or much of a life). It was a lot of stress and talking to her felt more like something to check off my to-do list than what is should have been: a relaxing time to have a fun or interesting chat. Also, I think you are like me in that I need alone time to process things. It's how I think and make sense of the world. If someone puts me on sensory overload and doesn't give me time to think I get stressed. Girl I'm with totally gets that and will just plant a thought if she wants something and not demand an immediate answer. After I've had time to think, I always do what she asks haha It's a matter of knowing how a introvert processes data I think you are good for a LTR. You just need a really hot guy, that is independent, and a similar personality type. Tell these guys to PM me on here and I'll screen them for you. 1) Are you hot and muscular? 2) Are you going to smother the poor girl with texts and calls? (she's doing her doctorate, ease up, she already has one husband ) 3) Can you give her alone time and give her a chance to process everything? 4) Do you like cats? 5) If you break her heart, will you be okay getting your arms broken by TFW j/k I wouldn't say that one....maybe I would though 2
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 I feel you ES. You're a good woman and you only deserve the best! The girl I am dating now is very independent and also more introverted like me. I think that is the key is the independence. I dated a girl that I felt literally waited by the phone for when I got off (she had no full time job, hobbies, or much of a life). It was a lot of stress and talking to her felt more like something to check off my to-do list than what is should have been: a relaxing time to have a fun or interesting chat. Also, I think you are like me in that I need alone time to process things. It's how I think and make sense of the world. If someone puts me on sensory overload and doesn't give me time to think I get stressed. Girl I'm with totally gets that and will just plant a thought if she wants something and not demand an immediate answer. After I've had time to think, I always do what she asks haha It's a matter of knowing how a introvert processes data I think you are good for a LTR. You just need a really hot guy, that is independent, and a similar personality type. Tell these guys to PM me on here and I'll screen them for you. 1) Are you hot and muscular? 2) Are you going to smother the poor girl with texts and calls? (she's doing her doctorate, ease up, she already has one husband ) 3) Can you give her alone time and give her a chance to process everything? 4) Do you like cats? 5) If you break her heart, will you be okay getting your arms broken by TFW j/k I wouldn't say that one....maybe I would though It's good to know that I have someone sweet in my corner 2
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