Eternal Sunshine Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 So I met someone recently who I kind of like. Ever since we went out, he has been in non-stop contact. I mean the night after our date, he texted me number of times and he calls every day. This is a bit too heavy for me - I need time to ease up into a relationship, rather than a constant contact from the get go. A text or two a day is fine, but more than that and I feel suffocated, even if I really like the guy. I question my own readiness for a LTR, since I generally find that guys that are open to it and really into me, don't give me enough space. I am a loner/introvert and constant communication drains me. Even in the later parts of relationship (like with my ex) one of my frustrations was that he never gave me enough alone time. So basically it comes down to this: 1. A guy is into me and goes full steam ahead 2. A guy is not that into me but takes it at the pace that suits me more. Neither is good. I need a guy that is into me and willing to give me space/time alone. Or perhaps I am just not ready for a LTR, despite my age.
BetheButterfly Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 So I met someone recently who I kind of like. Ever since we went out, he has been in non-stop contact. I mean the night after our date, he texted me number of times and he calls every day. This is a bit too heavy for me - I need time to ease up into a relationship, rather than a constant contact from the get go. A text or two a day is fine, but more than that and I feel suffocated, even if I really like the guy. I question my own readiness for a LTR, since I generally find that guys that are open to it and really into me, don't give me enough space. I am a loner/introvert and constant communication drains me. Even in the later parts of relationship (like with my ex) one of my frustrations was that he never gave me enough alone time. So basically it comes down to this: 1. A guy is into me and goes full steam ahead 2. A guy is not that into me but takes it at the pace that suits me more. Neither is good. I need a guy that is into me and willing to give me space/time alone. Or perhaps I am just not ready for a LTR, despite my age. I think you have been through a lot of hurt and consequently, have a lot of walls that have been built around your heart. It takes time for you to trust that the man you are beginning to care for won't hurt you, in my opinion. That's understandable. Because of that, it would take a man who is sensitive to your pain to slowly but surely take the walls down from your heart, one brick at a time. It's ok to protect yourself. Sadly, many men today just don't care about the emotional damage they do to many women. However, you are priceless and a wonderful, amazing, intelligent, and beautiful lady!!! I very much hope a man who is the same (though masculine) will come into your life, understand why you have those walls up, and gently/slowly prove himself to be trustworthy and that he loves you. Love is action, not just feeling. It's also a risk, a risk that you can get hurt really bad. I understand why you have those walls. I don't think you want to get hurt again.
MrCastle Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I think you need a latin lover to come over a few times a week, lay it down, and text you a few smileys here and there when he's not around. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 @Eternalsunshine. I had to tear up a little bit when I read your posting. Your conclusion that you may not really be ready for a LTR right now could be right. I mean, in a LTR eventually you move into the same house/apartment. Imagine how suffocating that could feel. I relate to your need for personal space. Having some elbow room in a relationship is a good thing. Some of us don't want to cling to a loved one, we just want to know we have their love and their fidelity as we go about our business. Perhaps we are a people for a less connected time, a time when husbands went out and hunted for weeks and wives would go off and gather for days, while others (like me) kept the fires burning. Too much connection too soon, or even after 20 years of marriage can drive people apart.
mysteryscape Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 you need a longer introvert like yourself; or someone who is willing/able to deal with you the way you are; or become less of a loner introvert yourself (somewhat). Have you told this guy what you've posted here? I'd talk with him about it. Maybe there's some middle ground you could reach. 1
johan Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 If you think this guy really has potential, you don't have much to lose by telling him the things you wrote above. It's obviously not about him, and if he can try to understand and adjust, it could build the kind of trust you need to move forward. If not, then maybe it will just ge good communication practice for the next guy. 5
veggirl Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Do you tell these guys that you want to take things slowly? That you don't want to jump into an insta-relationship with constant contact?
Under The Radar Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 if you think this guy really has potential, you don't have much to lose by telling him the things you wrote above. It's obviously not about him, and if he can try to understand and adjust, it could build the kind of trust you need to move forward. If not, then maybe it will just ge good communication practice for the next guy. ^^^^^this^^^^^
carhill Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 OP, my impressions from your historical postings is that you desire and require consistent and strong proactive interest from a man to maintain attraction to him and interest in him, which to me aligns with your point #1. My readings here indicate a potential conflict as to specifics. It comes across as a pretty narrow tightrope for a man to navigate, perhaps a disincentive to many healthy potentials. If you could clarify the specifics, or if your general perspective about such matters has changed, sharing that could be helpful. While I believe communication is helpful, words and actions should match up in a healthy way and support each other. Otherwise, one's potential partner receives confusing messages and, generally, the confused mind says 'no'. Good luck. 4
xxoo Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 OP, my impressions from your historical postings is that you desire and require consistent and strong proactive interest from a man to maintain attraction to him and interest in him, which to me aligns with your point #1. My readings here indicate a potential conflict as to specifics. It comes across as a pretty narrow tightrope for a man to navigate, perhaps a disincentive to many healthy potentials. If you could clarify the specifics, or if your general perspective about such matters has changed, sharing that could be helpful. I thought the same as Carhill. Didn't you just have a thread about needing a guy to show lots of interest? And while you wanted to sleep with the "hot and cold" guy, you didn't feel he was good relationship potential? How can a guy get it right? Lots of contact may feel better when it is appropriate for the length of time you've known each other, and how seriously you are dating. Not wanting daily contact from a new guy doesn't necessarily mean you aren't ready for a LTR--just that it is too much too soon. Just tell the guy: I'm interested in getting to know you, but I get overwhelmed by lots of contact in the early day. See how he responds.
Anela Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 (edited) So I met someone recently who I kind of like. Ever since we went out, he has been in non-stop contact. I mean the night after our date, he texted me number of times and he calls every day. This is a bit too heavy for me - I need time to ease up into a relationship, rather than a constant contact from the get go. A text or two a day is fine, but more than that and I feel suffocated, even if I really like the guy. I question my own readiness for a LTR, since I generally find that guys that are open to it and really into me, don't give me enough space. I am a loner/introvert and constant communication drains me. Even in the later parts of relationship (like with my ex) one of my frustrations was that he never gave me enough alone time. So basically it comes down to this: 1. A guy is into me and goes full steam ahead 2. A guy is not that into me but takes it at the pace that suits me more. Neither is good. I need a guy that is into me and willing to give me space/time alone. Or perhaps I am just not ready for a LTR, despite my age. I feel the same way - I've been thinking about both this post, and SD's thread, since I saw them. I'm not dating, and I don't even have crushes anymore, so you're doing better than I am there. My walls are sky high, because I just couldn't take another heartbreak or big disappointment now - and family drama is bringing me enough to deal with. I know that even if I really liked a guy, and he was making it known that he really liked me, too, I'd be high on the feeling of happiness, and then crash with anxiety. I've been thinking about this, because it seems to be a natural thing for most people to have someone by their side, but it isn't for me. I went through this period of feeling like there was a gaping hole in my life, where a relationship should be, but I'm not feeling that anymore. I've thought about making my own thread, but I don't want to open myself up that much. I saw your other thread on men jumping through hoops if they really like someone, and it reminded me of something that my mother once said to me: "I don't worry about you. I know you'll make any man jump through hoops before he gets anywhere with you." Something like that. She meant well, but it concerned me a little bit, because I've never wanted to shoot at someone's feet and order them to dance for me. For a while now, I've felt like I have no future, but I don't want a man to be someone who makes me feel like I have a future... I really want to be happy on my own again, just like I used to be. Edited November 3, 2012 by Anela
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 When someone comes that hot and heavy from the start it feels fake. I don't feel the need to communicate that often with a near stranger. Actually the pace of hot and cold guy suits me perfectly. The problem is, I want it to start off slow and eventually build towards a relationship. With hot/cold guy telling me that he doesn't know what he wants, he basically told me that we are not building towards anything. He probably sees it as a casual deal/time filler. Otherwise, it would all be great and I wouldn't complain. It got to the point with the guy from this thread that when I look at my phone I hope it's NOT a text or missed call from him. I felt the same way in parts of relationship with my ex. And whoever said that I have walls, that's an understatement. My walls are up so high, that I doubt that there is a guy patient enough to break them down. And why would I deserve such a patience anyway? There are tons of girls out there that are easier to handle.
utterer of lies Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 This is a bit too heavy for me - I need time to ease up into a relationship, rather than a constant contact from the get go. A text or two a day is fine, but more than that and I feel suffocated, even if I really like the guy. I question my own readiness for a LTR, since I generally find that guys that are open to it and really into me, don't give me enough space. I am a loner/introvert and constant communication drains me. Even in the later parts of relationship (like with my ex) one of my frustrations was that he never gave me enough alone time. Really? I remember many posts of you freaking out because he didn't give you enough attention, not because he gave you too much. You seem confused.
xxoo Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 (edited) So you want someone super into you, with big romantic displays, but with a restrained pace. The problem may be that passion isn't restrained. The man who is restrained lacks the passion you desire, and the man who is passionate lacks the restraint. I think you overanalyze everything to death. Do you feel it for this guy, or not? If no, stop seeing him. If yes, communicate with him. Edited November 3, 2012 by xxoo 3
sweetkiwi Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 its a very delicate time in the beginning. We're both walking the tightrope and its sad. People don't open them selves to love and therefor can't find it. Yes opening your heart means pain. Possibly a lot. But thats why we have to get on the horse again so when we find a good person we can have a real relationship with them. Otherwise dating is frustrating and harmful to both parties. I have been used and abused, literaly. But. I refuse to give up on my one true love. Hope. We have a very meaningful relationship that is life long.
january2011 Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 I don't think it's a case that you're not ready for an LTR. I think it's more the case that you don't really like either of these guys.
scratch Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 (edited) I need a guy that is into me and willing to give me space/time alone. 2 questions: 1. How does he communicate that he's into you, and give you what you need in terms of attention, while also giving you space? 2. How do you let him know you're into him? For reference, I am a guy who wants a lot of space, and tries to find women who do as well, but when things take a turn for the worse I am baffled whether it was because I gave her too much space, or not enough. If a guy doesn't give you the right amount of space, as long as you convince him you are interested in him, and then tell him exactly what you want, he'll make an effort to give it to you. The convincing part is key, however, so you're going to have to make yourself vulnerable in that regard. Edit: I agree with january2011 about the guy who contacts you too much. I disagree with her(?) about the guy who you the right amount. As my first question implies, it bothers you that he may not be into you enough, and his deliberate contact adds to that concern. Edited November 3, 2012 by scratch
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 Sadly, it's over with hot/cold guy. I did truly, really like him a great deal. He was very honest with me tonight, about his feelings and thoughts. They weren't what I wanted to hear. He believes that we are too similar, among other things. I appreciated his honesty and rejected what he was offering me - which was basically a NSA/casual deal that he thinks will never turn into more. I managed not to cry as we were saying good-bye while kissing for 5 hours. At least that situation is dealt with. Guy that contacts me too much - I realized that I am simply not that into him. I will need to let him go too. The older I get, the harder it is for me to truly like someone.
SmileFace Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 Sadly, it's over with hot/cold guy. I did truly, really like him a great deal. He was very honest with me tonight, about his feelings and thoughts. They weren't what I wanted to hear. He believes that we are too similar, among other things. I appreciated his honesty and rejected what he was offering me - which was basically a NSA/casual deal that he thinks will never turn into more. I managed not to cry as we were saying good-bye while kissing for 5 hours. At least that situation is dealt with. Guy that contacts me too much - I realized that I am simply not that into him. I will need to let him go too. The older I get, the harder it is for me to truly like someone. Are these the two guys that you posted about in the OTT. I am sorry that is ended but happy that it ended before you got more invested.
xxoo Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 2 questions: 1. How does he communicate that he's into you, and give you what you need in terms of attention, while also giving you space? Good question. Thinking of "rooftop girl" (reference to a recent thread of the OP)....how often would a guy that into a girl contact her? How much space would he give?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Thinking about this a bit more, I think the key here is me being really into someone. If I am on the fence or not that into a guy, and he overwhelms me with contact - it's going to make me want to run. So not necessarily that I don't want a LTR, more that the guys that are offering me LTR are not guys I really want that much. 1
SmileFace Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 How are you able to multidate if you consider too much contact as smothering ? If you actually took the time to focus on one guy you may not feel smothered. I don't think that you don't a LTR, since that may work with the right person. But you seem to live off of attention and when you decide to date multiple guys at once you can't focus on one guy since your attention is else where and it comes off as if he is smoothering you.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 How are you able to multidate if you consider too much contact as smothering ? If you actually took the time to focus on one guy you may not feel smothered. I don't think that you don't a LTR, since that may work with the right person. But you seem to live off of attention and when you decide to date multiple guys at once you can't focus on one guy since your attention is else where and it comes off as if he is smoothering you. I don't like multi-dating. The problem is, that the guy I truly wanted and would want to date exclusively, didn't feel as strongly about me. The one where we ended things yesterday because he told me in black and white terms how things are, and I decided that I need to let him go. I met the other guy because the first one was non-commital and gave him a shot. He seems to really like me and is still in the picture, but I am not sure about him. It seems that meeting someone that rally likes me and that I really like back is an impossibility. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 It seems that meeting someone that rally likes me and that I really like back is an impossibility. Deep down do you really want that? Everyone feels like they want that but when they get it, they are scared of it. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-doc/200911/fear-real-intimacy Sounds like it might be of use for you to read. A successful young financial wizard, Bret's pragmatic personality complimented Marla's artistic one. Encouraging her sculpture, he built a studio for her and helped her mount a show. A good natured single man, Bret adored Marla's children who in turn adored Bret. For these reasons and many more that are inexplicable, Marla and Bret were madly in love ─until Bret talked about marriage. Self doubts and doubts about Bret suddenly cropped up. Marla noticed that Bret was sweet and that his family was wonderful, but that he was not sexy. "He is not a sensual person, and that's so important to me." Was Bret really not sexy? If so why did Marla come to this conclusion now, after a year with Bret? Why was she putting the brakes on? Simply put, Marla feared intimacy. Not unique in the fear of intimacy, Marla is one of many people who desire intimacy at one level, but at a deeper level, fear it. Just food for thought. 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 4, 2012 Author Posted November 4, 2012 Deep down do you really want that? Everyone feels like they want that but when they get it, they are scared of it. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-doc/200911/fear-real-intimacy Sounds like it might be of use for you to read. Just food for thought. Thanks for that. Yep, I also feel like I want and fear intimacy at the same time.
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