Hopefully my last thread about this girl: Did I conquer the friend zone?

[Emissary]

Ok so long story short, I worked with this girl, became friendly with her, she broke up with her abusive boyfriend, we started becoming more and more playful, then she got transferred to a different store while on vacation. While she was gone, I started realizing I had legit feelings for her, so I got pissed off that she was transferred. I got her phone number and started texting her, I suggested we go for coffee sometime to which she skated around the question. A mutual friend told me that she likes me as a friend.

 

Anyway, during our initial text conversations we brought it out into the open that I like her as more than a friend. But after that she started becoming more distant, hardly even replying to me sometimes. I got frustrated last week and basically told her that as much as I would like to be her friend, it just wouldn't work since I wanted more, that I would be bitter.

 

She started pouring her heart out a bit, telling me she was still hurting really badly from her break up and that she did want to meet with me after she got over that. Though she's dropped the term friend a few times in her text convos, it's always hard to decipher exactly what she means as she's quite dyslexic. I felt a little more optimistic regardless.

 

I'm thinking at the very least, she's giving me a tryout. It's all I really wanted, was just one chance to prove myself to her.

 

Then on Tuesday she actually phoned me, we talked for like 30 minutes. It was a fun and playful conversation, but the key points here are that she acknowledged I liked her and she actively tried to set up that coffee meeting. We agreed on Saturday, and she told me to text her on Friday to work out the details. She's not stupid, she knows what I meant when I asked her to coffee before, she knows I'm going into this with romantic intentions. Yet she not only agreed to it, she asked me in the end. I wasn't going to bring it up in our conversation, yet she did it herself.

 

I'm thinking at the very least that she's giving me a tryout. It's all I really wanted, just one chance to prove myself to her.

Edited November 2, 2012 by Emissary

[CptSaveAho]

..................................... sigh

 

she's lonely, just got out of a relationship and you are giving her a free pass at being her emotional tampon.

 

welcome to the friendzone / aka reboundzone....

 

want to avoid being friendzoned... next time every single thing you did in your story, DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE

[Emissary]

..................................... sigh

 

she's lonely, just got out of a relationship and you are giving her a free pass at being her emotional tampon.

 

welcome to the friendzone / aka reboundzone....

 

want to avoid being friendzoned... next time every single thing you did in your story, DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE

 

If I'm her emotional crutch, then why would she have waited for so long before seeing me? It's fairly clear to me now that she didn't want me to start being involved in her life until she got her **** sorted out.

 

I'm really inexperienced with dating, in fact I had my very first date last week. But sometimes I think the friend zone concept is just some fabrication of feeble men with no confidence and no game.

Edited November 2, 2012 by Emissary

[Carenth]

First off friend zone is a load of crap imo and isn't real. It's for guys (mostly) who have a sense of entitlement to date girls who are not interested in them romantically or otherwise, that they are owed a chance and girls who don't give them that chance are bitchs/evil/unfair/<insert whatever here>.

 

You can't be put in the friend zone unless you agree to it.

 

I was in a similar situation co-worker liked me I left for another job she chased after me. I told her I just saw her as a friend, she really was a nice person I just had no feelings for her. She got the hint when I kept pulling away when she wanted to grab a coffee eventually I told her I would be happy to catch up with her as a friend if she was OK with that.

 

She dropped off the radar after that (which I completely understand and respect). I would of been happy to be her friend but obviously she is not OK with that and that is fine. I couldn't manifest feelings that didn't exist and most likely neither will this girl that you are after.

 

She hasn't actually stated she likes you in anyway, she has acknowledged you like her doesn't mean she likes you that way. She has also stated she is hurt from her last relationship (hint: she is not over her ex) she is probably lonely. Her giving you a chance isn't going to make feelings that aren't there magically appear.

 

If she ends up telling you she sees you as a friend on this "date" you have no one bar yourself to blame. I think she has been more than obvious how she feels about you.

 

To summerise:

 

1. Lose the friendzone crutch it's weak, whiny and a serious sense of entitlement.

 

2. Not everyone is going to reciprocate your feelings, sorry that's just the way it goes. It sucks but that's life. Either accept it and move on or well blame the "friendzone" for the next few decades.

 

3. Sorry if this seems harsh but this seems to be only way to get the message across to people who lament the "friendzone" and don't realise they play a massive part in their own situations they despise.

[NateC]

If I'm her emotional crutch, then why would she have waited for so long before seeing me? It's fairly clear to me now that she didn't want me to start being involved in her life until she got her **** sorted out.

 

I'm really inexperienced with dating, in fact I had my very first date last week. But sometimes I think the friend zone concept is just some fabrication of feeble men with no confidence and no game.

 

Exactly. She obviously trusts you - women tend to take a very long time to forget past relationships. My best friend (who yes, is a girl) still has trouble dealing with a breakup that was about six months ago...and they dated about a month.

 

Go for it and see what happens. Don't fall too deep into the "I think she likes me" mindset as it will only end up hurting more if it turns our she doesn't see you as more than a friend. Be patient.

[Mrlonelyone]

First off the "friendzone" is total BS. The friendzone is something made up to explain why some women can't seem to see a man who satisfies them emotionally attractive sexually. (in men it's called the Maddonna/whore complex.)

 

There is a 85% chance this woman will never see you as a sexual being. She has all the signs of having the complex. A history of abusive relationships and attachment to abusive men. Such women need someone who will not just dominate but outright abuse them.

 

You may think you want this woman, when in truth you don't.

[Emissary]

 

There is a 85% chance this woman will never see you as a sexual being. She has all the signs of having the complex. A history of abusive relationships and attachment to abusive men. Such women need someone who will not just dominate but outright abuse them.

 

You may think you want this woman, when in truth you don't.

 

She was in one bad relationship as far as I'm aware, she met him through a dating site because she said she has a lot of difficulty meeting people. The reason why she was hurting so badly shortly after I started texting her was because she had just found out her ex-boyfriend had been cheating on her nearly the entire time.

 

She's a very fragile girl, she wouldn't survive if she constantly went for complete dickheads. She's going to be fine, she's going to move on, but she's not going back to square one. She's not going to make the same mistake twice. I know I'm not guaranteed anything at this point, but I do know she's not going to use me.

 

There are so many things I cannot begin to put into words, we do care about each other, we have an emotional bond, that much is a fact. Whether it is love remains to be seen, we have never seen each other outside of work before, we will find out what it really is.

 

We hated each other at first, nothing is ever set in stone.

[Emissary]

Absolutely depressing, I texted her as instructed, not a single response. I'm hoping she has an actual reason for this. It just makes no sense, is this common of any woman? To ask a guy to any sort of meeting and just 100% bail without even a word?

[MrCastle]

is this common of any woman? To ask a guy to any sort of meeting and just 100% bail without even a word?

 

Not any woman, but a specific type of woman. There's a name for them too.

[Carenth]

I really hate to say it but I told you so. She's too polite to actually tell you she doesn't like you that way (even though she has told you several times by calling you a friend).

 

For a lot of people it is really hard to turn someone down especially when they are nice people but are persistent, even if you have informed them you don't see them that way and continue your persistence hoping they will just cave in.

 

My advice is just to move on, it's sucks and is depressing but that happens in life. Take this as a learning opportunity, when someone saiz they see you as a friend take them seriously and accept that. You have two choices at this point:

 

1) Accept there friendship unconditionally, no hidden motives of hoping they are going to fall for you sooner or later, you will end up torturing yourself for no reason (unless you are a masochist and like that kind of thing).

 

2) Say you are not looking for friends but if they want to go out sometime to let you know. Then move on.

 

If you choose option one then bitch and moan when they don't fall in love with you, well that's egg on your face for not been honest to yourself or them.

 

As much as you think you would be an awesome couple or whatever and it's unfair she won't give you chance etc. It does not work like that in reality, people can not pull feelings out of thin air to give you a chance, that's just the way it is.

Edited November 4, 2012 by Carenth

[NateC]

I really hate to say it but I told you so. She's too polite to actually tell you she doesn't like you that way (even though she has told you several times by calling you a friend).

 

For a lot of people it is really hard to turn someone down especially when they are nice people but are persistent, even if you have informed them you don't see them that way and continue your persistence hoping they will just cave in.

 

My advice is just to move on, it's sucks and is depressing but that happens in life. Take this as a learning opportunity, when someone saiz they see you as a friend take them seriously and accept that. You have two choices at this point:

 

1) Accept there friendship unconditionally, no hidden motives of hoping they are going to fall for you sooner or later, you will end up torturing yourself for no reason (unless you are a masochist and like that kind of thing).

 

2) Say you are not looking for friends but if they want to go out sometime to let you know. Then move on.

 

If you choose option one then bitch and moan when they don't fall in love with you, well that's egg on your face for not been honest to yourself or them.

 

As much as you think you would be an awesome couple or whatever and it's unfair she won't give you chance etc. It does not work like that in reality, people can not pull feelings out of thin air to give you a chance, that's just the way it is.

 

Quoting this for truth. I had to be told this - and as much as I didn't want to believe it, it really is how it is. I really liked this girl and - as well as we got along and really had a blast with each other - she didn't like me that way. I stay friends with her knowing that I have an awesome friend who I can go to for advice and such. I don't go out of my way to do stuff for her or any of that.

 

Usually, once you're placed in a certain way, that's how it usually stays. Sometimes it works out, but don't hold your breath or you'll end up heartbroken when you find she's having sex with some other guy.

[phineas]

You were friendzoned so this chick will NEVER EVER want you.

 

Once friendzoned, there is no escape.

 

Pretty much.

 

In my case though when I dropped a bunch of weight & gained muscle every chick that wasted my time a yr or two before all of a sudden did a 180 & was flirting sexually with me.

 

Too bad I put them in the friendzone because well, after spending time with them again realized how annoying they actually were now that I wasn't desperate to sleep with them. LOL!

[NateC]

Pretty much.

 

In my case though when I dropped a bunch of weight & gained muscle every chick that wasted my time a yr or two before all of a sudden did a 180 & was flirting sexually with me.

 

Too bad I put them in the friendzone because well, after spending time with them again realized how annoying they actually were now that I wasn't desperate to sleep with them. LOL!

 

Yeah, those are the ones you want to stay from. The whole "I want a hot guy blahblahblah" thing - it's more of a teenage way of thinking, but it happens a lot.

[Emissary]

In a bizarre twist, somebody called in sick yesterday and she ended up coming to my workplace for one day more. She said she left her phone at work, it's quite the drive for her so I believed her. I believed her, but I'm still irritated with her, she wasn't apologetic enough. She still wants to meet me alone sometime soon.

 

It's a small factor I probably should have made mention of, but when she went to Disneyland in September, she bought me some sort of gift. She said she did it because she really appreciated some of the things I went out of my way to do for her. She's really keen on presenting me with this gift, but I don't want it if there's no romantic meaning behind it.

 

I let yesterday be a good day at work, we got along well, even though we didn't have much chance to talk. I considered quickly proposing another time to meet, but I decided not to, I don't feel like pampering her and making her feel wanted right now, which is something I know she wants with what she's going through.

 

I just said goodbye, shortly after I texted a sort of cryptic short statement, reflecting on one aspect of my views on what love is. I intend for that to be either the very last thing I ever say to her, or the last thing for a good while depending on how much she attempts to contact me again, which I know she will eventually. She wants to give me that gift, but I won't give her the satisfaction, not unless I get what I want.

 

At any rate, I have other girls I would like to see, I'm going to start going for them as well. I know her much better than she thinks I do, let's see if we can take a jab at what little pride she has.

[Carenth]

This is like a multi-car pile up, terrible but you help but watch.

 

I'll write it in bold so it might sink in.

 

She does not see you that way. Move on, don't send stupid, childish cryptic messages. Tell her you don't want to be her friend if she wants to go out sometime on a date then contact you otherwise you are not interested.

 

Stop acting like you are entitled to this girls affection and love, you aren't. You don't get what you want so you decide your plan of action is to be right prick, real classy and mature.

 

You haven't even hanged out with her outside work how do you really know her? People generally do act differently outside work you know? Take a bloody hint she isn't interested.

 

Sorry if that was harsh but she would never be able to say that to your face. You are grasping at straws seeing things that aren't there. Seriously go date those other girls and don't bother with her anymore.

[phineas]

OP, until you are sleeping with her on the regular, you aren't out of the friendzone.