Aviator76 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Hi, Im a father of a 6yr old son, been married for about 15 years, never been totally in love with my wife. Even on my wedding day I wasnt sure I was doing the right thing but got carried along with the occasion and didnt want to let people down. My wife loves me, would never cheat on me, her family are just a real honest bunch of people. Anyway, about 7 years ago I contacted my ex girlfriend from about 25 years ago. We met up for a chat, it went well, and we continued to meet up and talk and see how we felt. She has married, 1 child, and wants us to get together. I wont go into the details, but this is my dilemna. I work away a lot. She is still at home with her husband, and says to me she is no longer sleeping with him. I trust what she says and believe her, as she is giving up so much to be with me. Probably about $1.5million in property and business assets. We wont be wealthy. But, in my head, whilst im working away, I still think she's sleeping with him the odd time. She still wears his wedding ring but thats because she says its to stop people asking questions about her life she doesnt want people to know about. I can be talking to her on skype and I see she has the ring on, then she sneakily takes it off in the hope I havent seen it, but to me its just makes matters worse. She says she sleeps with her daughter and hasnt had relations with him in a long long time. Could this be true? She hasnt told him she's leaving him yet. What is my course of action? Am I on a trip to loserville with this? We confess out undying love for each other and message each other every day but there is a massive pressure on me, being so far away and unable to prove/disporve the things she says. Sorry to go on, it just helps me if I get it out there.
2sure Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Are you no longer sleeping in the same bed with your wife or having sex with her but telling your girlfriend something else? Same thing.
standtall Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Aviator...the odds are good she is still sleeping with him. She is probably just laying there. but so what? She is still married to him..you really have no basis to be jealous..it comes with the territory.
Author Aviator76 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 i no longer do. I promised my ex that and told her the situation between me and my wife. Interestingly, just been reading another thread which said, ILUBINILWU. I believe this is possible. I love my wife like a sister, she is a great mother, she holds down a full time job, is a great person, but we have nothing in common whatsoever. She doesnt interest me sexually. I dont wish to spedn time with her, its not that I dont love her, I just dont feel for her the way a married couple/lovers should feel. Do exes who get back together ever make it work?
Author Aviator76 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 Aviator...the odds are good she is still sleeping with him. She is probably just laying there. but so what? She is still married to him..you really have no basis to be jealous..it comes with the territory. You know what? I was told exactly the same thing last night by some friends and didnt want to believe it. It makes me feel as if i've been cheated on myself. This is so confusing. How do I broach the subject with her to find out the truth, or do I never find out? Ive asked before but she has sworn on her daughters life she no longer sleeps with him.
2sure Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Do you have any reason other than instinct not to trust her?
jf2good Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 You need to seek counseling. Your the problem in your marriage. It is not fair what you are doing to your wife, and I think that other women needs counseling as well, but I don't know for sure if the problem is her or her husband. But clearly your the problem in your marriage. It is not fair to your wife either way, to leave or stay in the current situation. I just don't get how any man would not have sex with wife unless she lets herself become a slob and therefore isn't sexually exciting. The problem most of us men have that cheat is the wife not giving us sex and we need it, they are the ones who start the problem of using sex as a weapon. But in this situation your the one who is killing the relationship. I am not saying to go to counseling to save the relationship, I am a saying to go so you can understand what you are doing wrong and how to avoid it again, It is not right. 1
2sure Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 You have been having an affair for half of your marriage and all of your sons life...and that's not what you find important to question? Why not divorce??
Author Aviator76 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 You need to seek counseling. Your the problem in your marriage. It is not fair what you are doing to your wife, and I think that other women needs counseling as well, but I don't know for sure if the problem is her or her husband. But clearly your the problem in your marriage. It is not fair to your wife either way, to leave or stay in the current situation. I just don't get how any man would not have sex with wife unless she lets herself become a slob and therefore isn't sexually exciting. The problem most of us men have that cheat is the wife not giving us sex and we need it, they are the ones who start the problem of using sex as a weapon. But in this situation your the one who is killing the relationship. I am not saying to go to counseling to save the relationship, I am a saying to go so you can understand what you are doing wrong and how to avoid it again, It is not right. Interstingly you use a phrase. Slob? My wife has gained a lot of weight and I dont find it in the least bit attractive. Shallow? perhaps. Not uncommon in men? I bet. Anyway, ive been sat reading through many posts on the site and I am going to try chat to my ex today. Im also going to make some decisions on my future with my wife. Not much else I can do but there just doesnt seem to be an easy fix for any sort of relationship breakdown unfortunately.
Author Aviator76 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 You have been having an affair for half of your marriage and all of your sons life...and that's not what you find important to question? Why not divorce?? I am about to ask my wife for a divorce as its been on the cards for a while now. I know, i know, the man is always in the wrong. He always ruins everything, but believe me, I have been ill with worry and stress, to the point of being physically sick over how this is going to turn out.
jf2good Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Okay her getting fat is one issue. She needs to understand that men don't find that attractive and she needs to do something about that, I am not saying to be like a 20 year old without kids, but do something. It is the effort that counts. However, that one thing she does wrong does not make what your doing right. You really need to seek counseling for yourself first. More than likely your relationship is headed for divorce, and that may be a good thing for both of you. However, I don't see you making the decisions for the right reasons, sure you don't love her any more, but why did you let it happen is the question and how can you prevent it from happening the next time.
todreaminblue Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Hi, Im a father of a 6yr old son, been married for about 15 years, never been totally in love with my wife. Even on my wedding day I wasnt sure I was doing the right thing but got carried along with the occasion and didnt want to let people down. My wife loves me, would never cheat on me, her family are just a real honest bunch of people. Anyway, about 7 years ago I contacted my ex girlfriend from about 25 years ago. We met up for a chat, it went well, and we continued to meet up and talk and see how we felt. She has married, 1 child, and wants us to get together. I wont go into the details, but this is my dilemna. I work away a lot. She is still at home with her husband, and says to me she is no longer sleeping with him. I trust what she says and believe her, as she is giving up so much to be with me. Probably about $1.5million in property and business assets. We wont be wealthy. But, in my head, whilst im working away, I still think she's sleeping with him the odd time. She still wears his wedding ring but thats because she says its to stop people asking questions about her life she doesnt want people to know about. I can be talking to her on skype and I see she has the ring on, then she sneakily takes it off in the hope I havent seen it, but to me its just makes matters worse. She says she sleeps with her daughter and hasnt had relations with him in a long long time. Could this be true? She hasnt told him she's leaving him yet. What is my course of action? Am I on a trip to loserville with this? We confess out undying love for each other and message each other every day but there is a massive pressure on me, being so far away and unable to prove/disporve the things she says. Sorry to go on, it just helps me if I get it out there. in my opinion you should ask the husband if they are no longer together then it shouldn't make a difference after all she is giving up assets so the husband will probably be open to telling the truth..... my ex lives with me I do not in any way shape or form sleep with him....i would however have no hesitation in suggesting or agreeing to a potential partner talking to my ex to see for himself that i tell the truth.then it woudl be a case of my ex having to find alternative accommodation because i wouldn't be truly happy being in a relationship with someone while living with my ex.I would try hard to rectify that as I have been pushing my ex to find another place..... Wearing a wedding ring is a bit of a tell and so is sneaking it off.....i don't wear rings from partners only when i was with them, i actually hocked my engagement ring to chuck a gorgeous party for my daughter and then just let the ring go it was over....it was reminder i didnt need.........and it cheered my daughter up so it was worth what i got for it.... so yes a veto on the wedding ring...so talk to your girlfriend and see what she says, tell her you dont want to be messed around i dont think its fair in my opinion to be led on by anyone who isnt serious...its just a waste of time for both parties.....life is short.....in that time you should find the person who loves you back and who you also love,who might also posseses honesty enough to tell the truth not waste it on pipe dreams of possibility and out and out lies....good luck .....deb
Author Aviator76 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 in my opinion you should ask the husband if they are no longer together then it shouldn't make a difference after all she is giving up assets so the husband will probably be open to telling the truth..... my ex lives with me I do not in any way shape or form sleep with him....i would however have no hesitation in suggesting or agreeing to a potential partner talking to my ex to see for himself that i tell the truth.then it woudl be a case of my ex having to find alternative accommodation because i wouldn't be truly happy being in a relationship with someone while living with my ex.I would try hard to rectify that as I have been pushing my ex to find another place..... Wearing a wedding ring is a bit of a tell and so is sneaking it off.....i don't wear rings from partners only when i was with them, i actually hocked my engagement ring to chuck a gorgeous party for my daughter and then just let the ring go it was over....it was reminder i didnt need.........and it cheered my daughter up so it was worth what i got for it.... so yes a veto on the wedding ring...so talk to your girlfriend and see what she says, tell her you dont want to be messed around i dont think its fair in my opinion to be led on by anyone who isnt serious...its just a waste of time for both parties.....life is short.....in that time you should find the person who loves you back and who you also love,who might also posseses honesty enough to tell the truth not waste it on pipe dreams of possibility and out and out lies....good luck .....deb Thank you for this reply. I know its me at fault for my failings in my marriage. I accept that. I'm even going to walk out of the home with nothing leaving her everything. I'll take my car and thats it. I will continue to pay the bills etc as I always have. I just wanted to know if I was chasing a dream in my girlfriend. We went out together for 4 years in our late teens early 20's but I wasnt a very nice person to her back then and she finished it because of me. I know that is true. We meet often and always feel the same way. Its hard not being with her, but the whole wedding ring being worn to appease people, just makes my mind work overtime. Not healthy. I owe it to my wife to tell her the truth, and I fully intend to. Believe me, i'm not proud of myself, but I cannot live the rest of my life without at least seeing if this is the right thing for me to be doing. If I end up alone, then so be it, it'll be my punishment for stupidity. At least it gives my wife the chance to meet someone who can give her the love she deserves.
Tenacity Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I would bet that you won't end up with your ex. All that money is pretty compelling in the long run... plus she has a child. Look at the statistics. You seem very immature for a man married 15 years. Your wife may have gained weight, but you aren't going to be prince charming forever either. Have you bothered to talk to her about it? Or did you just enter into an affair with no thought of your wife? Maybe she doesn't find YOU physically attractive, for all you know. What would you do if you divorced your wife, and then watched as she got into shape and started dating men who actually appreciated her? That happens very often. And what if, at the same time, your ex decided her family and the very nice lifestyle are not worth leaving for what you have to offer? Better think about it.
Author Aviator76 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 I would bet that you won't end up with your ex. All that money is pretty compelling in the long run... plus she has a child. Look at the statistics. You seem very immature for a man married 15 years. Your wife may have gained weight, but you aren't going to be prince charming forever either. Have you bothered to talk to her about it? Or did you just enter into an affair with no thought of your wife? Maybe she doesn't find YOU physically attractive, for all you know. What would you do if you divorced your wife, and then watched as she got into shape and started dating men who actually appreciated her? That happens very often. And what if, at the same time, your ex decided her family and the very nice lifestyle are not worth leaving for what you have to offer? Better think about it. Tenacity, all very valid points I dont disagree. If my wife can lose weight and find suitable partner then i'd love that for her. It is my ex who is saying she wants to leave that life behind and start again with me. In a way, she's been the OW for a long time and kept asking me to leave my wife. Ive made the decision that this is the right thing for me to do now and i'll follow it through regardless of the consequences. I think if it doesnt work out with my ex, then I have done the right thing by my wife as I dont want to end up in a totally loveless marriage for the rest of my life. Id begin to resent her for it and I dont want that. The odds may well be stacked against me, and thats the risk I have to take. I'd love to be able to come back on here in a couple of months time and update what has and hasnt happened. Ive read of so many people leaving their wives/husbands, but I cant seem to find out what happens afterwards. Just because a marriage doesnt work, does it really mean there is no life afterwards. Life is far too short to not take some chances. Believe me, ive seen that fact first hand. The what ifs, and if onlys. I appreciate all the replies thus far and it gives me valuable insight and help in the decisions i'm making, even if nothing else except realising that what im doing may not be acceptable to many people.
trippi1432 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Hmm, perplexed cuz "Honey" won't take off the ring...why should she? You weren't very nice to her in the past...and you are willing to cheat on your wife....yeah, I would say that is some catch (not). If you don't take the commitment to your wife seriously, how do you think your fling feels?? I really cannot see what any woman would find appealing about a man like this...seriously!! Dude, if you can't see your chain is being yanked for your ex getting even.....you are totally blind. Your last post...playing the martyr, "if I end up alone, it'll be my punishment for stupidity"...this other married woman has her hooks in deep or perhaps you just wish she did. Slippery Slope...Hope your sacrifice of your family is worth the roller coaster.
Author Aviator76 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 I want to return to this post in 6 months and let you all know what happened. good or bad. It's going to be a rollercoaster alright.
paradigm shift Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Hmmm, you said ex is leaving behind a lot in assets and you just want to leave your wife everything but your car. Does your ex know this, or does she think she is coming into the relationship and will be taken care of? Sounds petty, but better to not gloss these things over as trivialities. Agree with counseling as well
maiden71 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Run Forest run! Dude I've been going through a similar situation, but I'm a little ways ahead of you. I married a woman who I saw back in school 25 years ago. She to said she wanted to leave the money, and man who made it all, behind. She also had a now 12 year old daughter with him as well. Well we've actually been married for a little over a year now and she is still f*cking him and flirting with the idea of going back to him behind my back even though their divorced. She doesn't want to give up that money enough to really boot him out of her life as I'm almost positive that he pays her to still sleep with him or else she'd be paying $300 a month court ordered child support as he has custody of their daughter. Of course she uses the "he's my baby daddy and I'll always care about him" line. I wish to God I could undo what I've done so please don't make the same mistake. Women care more about money and the babydaddy then they will ever care about another man. Don't fool yourself buddy. Fix yourself and make your marriage work.
aMguilts Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Hi Aviator76 . Ok here`s what you do. You get a divorce and your ex does the same thing. Then when you are both divorced you can then get to together and do what ever you please. One question , why was she an ex? what happened in the past for you 2 to split?
GuyInLimbo Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Both you and the OW need to sh*t or get off the pot NOW. And keep in mind any relationship you have now will be different and have its own challenges once you are together. Will it last? Who knows. Playing devil's advocate, how much chance of success do you give two people who have BOTH been carrying on 7 -year affairs? This is pretty messy. And, yeah, I think you need to call it quits with the OW and your wife and get your a$$ into therapy for a good year to figure out what the heck you want. You're not being fair to anyone in your life (nor is the OW) and haven't been for years. I can get if you had a brief fling, but carrying on THIS long? C'mon, man..
Author Aviator76 Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 Run Forest run! Dude I've been going through a similar situation, but I'm a little ways ahead of you. I married a woman who I saw back in school 25 years ago. She to said she wanted to leave the money, and man who made it all, behind. She also had a now 12 year old daughter with him as well. Well we've actually been married for a little over a year now and she is still f*cking him and flirting with the idea of going back to him behind my back even though their divorced. She doesn't want to give up that money enough to really boot him out of her life as I'm almost positive that he pays her to still sleep with him or else she'd be paying $300 a month court ordered child support as he has custody of their daughter. Of course she uses the "he's my baby daddy and I'll always care about him" line. I wish to God I could undo what I've done so please don't make the same mistake. Women care more about money and the babydaddy then they will ever care about another man. Don't fool yourself buddy. Fix yourself and make your marriage work. Thank you for the insight. Appreciate it.
2sure Posted November 4, 2012 Posted November 4, 2012 I am about to ask my wife for a divorce as its been on the cards for a while now. I know, i know, the man is always in the wrong. He always ruins everything, but believe me, I have been ill with worry and stress, to the point of being physically sick over how this is going to turn out. The man is always wrong??? First, no. A lot of times the person telling huge lies is wrong, sure, but it's only a man half the time. Next, you mention this is making you just sick with all the worry. Not enough to motivate you to Ask your wife for a divorce...you know she can't say No right? Geez . No, ick.
aMguilts Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Frankly, you don't sound like you've changed much. But I agree with this much: you should let your wife find someone who deserves her. I'll give you kudos for that--most men would try to hang on to both. Concur totally. If you love her, best thing to do is let her go. trust me. aM
kandygurl22 Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 Why did you wait this long to ask for a divorce if you have not felt anything for your wife for such a long time? It isn't fair on your wife to drag her along if you know you don't feel how you should. It would be selfish of you to not let her have the chance to be happy with someone who does value her. Despite if your ex wants to be with you or not, you owe it to your wife to not keep her hanging around for your own convenience. If you and your ex don't work out and end up together, then just be single. It's what's best for everyone involved. 1
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