Lonely Ronin Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I have had this question bouncing around in my head for a while now, and it makes no sense to me. Why do people date for the sake of dating? I have seen this a lot over the years, people dating someone even though they don't see themselves with them long term. To me it seems like an utter waste of both peoples time. I have personally had this happen to me on more than a few occasions, and it irritates the sh** out of me. It's a borderline insecurity of mine now, where I'm constantly on the look out for this happening. 2
mesmerized Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Sorry you had to go through this. There are multiple reasons people do this. Easy access to sex is a big reason why men do this and for women also add avoiding loneliness. Usually people who are insecure, dishonest and selfish are more likely to go for such a thing and string people along. 1
mysteryscape Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I've often wondered about this myself. I never wanted to waste time "dating" whatever that means just for the sake of dating. I've always thought that people who are interested in serious relationships are less apt to date for the sake of dating. A few people will say they don't date at all in quest of a relationship. On the other hand, it seems fashionable for quite a few "experts" these days to recommend dating lots of people simultaneously, even when you're beyond purely "casual dating" (again, whatever that means, with its multiple sometimes opposite meanings) but presumably before you get to "serious" i.e. "exclusive" dating. I've read this from OLD proponents, pickup artist sites, Christian dating gurus, etc. etc. One guy I was reading recommends that even when you're getting really interested in someone, keep dating other people so you know you have really shopped around. It makes little sense to me, being contrary to the way I started out long ago by pure instinct, but maybe I don't get what they're talking about. Seems to me there's a huge amount of trouble between the sexes nowadays, maybe a lot more than there used to be, so people keep coming up with more and more ways for them to interact, ways that seem strange to people who don't practice them. The OLD business -- in more than one sense of that word -- is relatively recent and is having a big impact. I've even tried it myself, and found that I hated it even though I was pretty "successful" at it. I'll tell you, OLD is a great way to have a lot of dates that totally don't ignite a spark, bore the hell out of you even, after putting a lot of time and effort into it.
River Rain Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I'm afraid of that too. Even though I say I'm looking for an eventual long-term connection, I've still been strung along. I think it's mostly for sex and companionship. Though some people might start off doing the casual dating thing, it could be because they don't want to commit until finding the "one". 1
MrCastle Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I don't understand dating in terms of going on actual dates. The elephant in the room is sex. That's what dating is. Doing activities with someone until you feel comfortable enough to let them see you naked and put their penis inside of you. Movies, dinners, walks in the park--they're all prolonging the inevitable. I understand casual sex, and friends with benefits. I don't understand "dating" and certainly don't understand LTRs for young people. I don't get why sex has to be a big production. Why can't we just bang and move on with our lives. Why do the "boyfriend" "girlfriend" titles exist. Just bang people and live your life. Worry about relationships when you're older.
Ross MwcFan Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I have had this question bouncing around in my head for a while now, and it makes no sense to me. Why do people date for the sake of dating? I have seen this a lot over the years, people dating someone even though they don't see themselves with them long term. To me it seems like an utter waste of both peoples time. I have personally had this happen to me on more than a few occasions, and it irritates the sh** out of me. It's a borderline insecurity of mine now, where I'm constantly on the look out for this happening. Maybe they just want some short term fun? And if that's the case then it's not really dating for the sake of dating. I guess people who actually date just for the sake of dating with people they don't even fancy, just kinda see dating as a sport.
ThaWholigan Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I don't understand dating in terms of going on actual dates. The elephant in the room is sex. That's what dating is. Doing activities with someone until you feel comfortable enough to let them see you naked and put their penis inside of you. Movies, dinners, walks in the park--they're all prolonging the inevitable. I understand casual sex, and friends with benefits. I don't understand "dating" and certainly don't understand LTRs for young people. I don't get why sex has to be a big production. Why can't we just bang and move on with our lives. Why do the "boyfriend" "girlfriend" titles exist. Just bang people and live your life. Worry about relationships when you're older. Some people aren't cut out for that, even at a young age. Some people would rather prefer LTRs regardless. 4
monkey00 Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Usually people who are insecure, dishonest and selfish are more likely to go for such a thing and string people along. This seems like the case more often than not. I was seeing someone recently for 2 months until they dropped the bomb on me, I was misled. I also think there are a lot of commitment phobes out there too who won't admit to it, or you won't realize it when they drop you. Some people who are used to being single or have been single a long time also have a harder time making the transition in fear of giving up their freedom/themselves to the relationship. It is easier and selfish being single honestly when all you have to worry about is yourself. Like you OP, it does irritate me also. As I told my friend, I hate dating...but it's a means to an end in finding a LTR which is why I continue to hustle. Or a ritual of courtship you may say. Look on the bright side, if you don't take chances you'll never know what's to gain. People get married all the time, buy houses together, and have kids and still wind up getting divorced...isn't that a gloomier picture than those who are commitment phobes?
yongyong Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 So you meet the person and you can tell 'I want to date this person for a long term' right away?? Once you decide to date, you guys should date minimum 1 year like a gym membership contract? you can't change your mind after couple months of dating? Why don't you carry 'dating agreement paper'? and ask for the signature? I bet they had interest in you in the beginning but dropped you because they didn't see the value of seeing you further.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) they was I was raised it's supposed to work like the following. You meet someone and you start dating. And by dating I mean you do things together either on on one or in a social setting. The purse of dating it to learn about the other person, so you can determine if you are compatible. How long this phase go on is dependent on the individuals in question. After a period of time you become a couple and the learning about eachoter becomes more in-depth. The final step is marriage, civil union etc. Imo dating more than one person at a time is unacceptable, as to me it says you have already determined that someone isn't for you. Imo you should split with the other person as soon as you decide you have no possible future with them. If you don't your just wasting your time and theirs. Edited November 1, 2012 by Lonely Ronin 4
mysteryscape Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 remember once reading something about "stages of commitment" -- there were 4 -- the extra one was engagement or betrothal, in between your #2 and #3. This made a lot of sense to me -- a response to people who ask if you sign your life away to someone else after knowing them for 2 weeks, say -- of course you don't -- the commitment is to explore the relationship more deeply -- and of course it has different stages and levels.
crude Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Some women date for the free ride. This Young Woman Scored $1,200 A Month In Fancy Dinners Using Match.com - Business Insider
carhill Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Dating is a social interaction which some people consider essential to their social lives if not in a romantic relationship or marriage. This IMO starts at a very young age, when a child is transitioning from family identity to peer identity and acceptance by peers, both socially and sexually, is tied to strong emotional memories, and such memories form a 'roadmap' for future behaviors. Given the numbers of women who have told me directly, even when married or in relationships, that they 'can't be alone', I would presume that such people would be dating prior to or concurrent to ending existing relationships. Why? They're following their roadmap of life. For them, it (perceived health and value) depends upon that consistent desire from a companion and/or someone to 'love'. I don't date men so don't have similar anecdotes but presume the roadmap to be equal opportunity. 1
Emilia Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I understand casual sex, and friends with benefits. I don't understand "dating" and certainly don't understand LTRs for young people. I don't get why sex has to be a big production. Why can't we just bang and move on with our lives. Why do the "boyfriend" "girlfriend" titles exist. Just bang people and live your life. Worry about relationships when you're older. Because some people are capable of emotional connection and they seek it.
Emilia Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 they was I was raised it's supposed to work like the following. You meet someone and you start dating. And by dating I mean you do things together either on on one or in a social setting. The purse of dating it to learn about the other person, so you can determine if you are compatible. How long this phase go on is dependent on the individuals in question. After a period of time you become a couple and the learning about eachoter becomes more in-depth. The final step is marriage, civil union etc. Imo dating more than one person at a time is unacceptable, as to me it says you have already determined that someone isn't for you. Imo you should split with the other person as soon as you decide you have no possible future with them. If you don't your just wasting your time and theirs. I agree with you and I can see why you get frustrated. Your view would not be shared by everyone.
xxoo Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 they was I was raised it's supposed to work like the following. You meet someone and you start dating. And by dating I mean you do things together either on on one or in a social setting. The purse of dating it to learn about the other person, so you can determine if you are compatible. How long this phase go on is dependent on the individuals in question. After a period of time you become a couple and the learning about eachoter becomes more in-depth. The final step is marriage, civil union etc. In the beginning, everything is exciting, and you want to be around the person a lot. After a period of time, and the newness wears off, sometimes people aren't sure this is "the one", but they are already attached. It's comfortable, and maybe they think love might still grow. They stay until something better entices them away.
colombiana28 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I'm guilty of staying with people because I'd be lonely otherwise. I like living my life moment-to-moment, so if in that moment I'm with a cute, sweet guy whose company I enjoy but there's no deep, intense connection, I tend to roll with it. I don't think I've ever been in "love". I'm waiting to meet a guy who I think, "Wow. I want to spend the rest of my life with him." If I'm wasting other guys' time, that sucks, but I don't try to lead them on into thinking I'm in it for the long term. They might erroneously think they can convince me if they spend enough time with me though. That can be awkward.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 In the beginning, everything is exciting, and you want to be around the person a lot. After a period of time, and the newness wears off, sometimes people aren't sure this is "the one", but they are already attached. It's comfortable, and maybe they think love might still grow. They stay until something better entices them away. I'm fine with everything except the bold. IMO once you're sure your not going to be with the other person long term you needs to end it asap. The only exception would be if the other person is ok with the set-up. I'm guilty of staying with people because I'd be lonely otherwise. I like living my life moment-to-moment, so if in that moment I'm with a cute, sweet guy whose company I enjoy but there's no deep, intense connection, I tend to roll with it. I get way to much of this. Thankfully it doesn't happen every time, but it happens more often than I would like. Over the years I've gotten all kinds of reason as to why they stayed. Everything from being fun to be around, to bedroom related reasons. The one thing the absolutely blows my mind, is when they get all upset, because I tell them I never want to talk/see them again. They can't seem to grasp why I would be upset about having months of my time wasted.
dasein Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Inertia is a powerful force. Many people dread ever being single because they wrongfully equate it with failure. Media culture blaring at us from all angles tells us that we must be constantly involved and constantly having sex or that we must buy products and services to avoid "losing." IMO for men with less dating/sexual experience who seek more, they should be always trying to date, not necessarily involved in full blown relationships, but seeking sex, because for men, the old "tiger or the rug" cliche' has lots of truth.
xxoo Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I'm fine with everything except the bold. IMO once you're sure your not going to be with the other person long term you needs to end it asap. The only exception would be if the other person is ok with the set-up. I agree that it is wrong to know you aren't going to be there long term, and keep that information to yourself (essentially misleading the other person). But how many people really know that in the moment? If they are enjoying the months as they pass, and think that "maybe something will grow", do they know? Are they misleading? Unless you directly asked, and they lied, how is your time wasted if you enjoyed the time you spent together? Clear, honest communication would prevent these misunderstandings. But how many people ask the tough questions?
Author Lonely Ronin Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 But how many people really know that in the moment? If they are enjoying the months as they pass, and think that "maybe something will grow", do they know? Are they misleading? all of mine except for one, have "known". They were beyond the "maybe something will grow" phase, and into "this is comfortable", or "good enough for now phase".
Sunfire73 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 (edited) People date for a lot of reasons. Could be to find their next relationship, casually, or they just want someone to hang out with. It's important though to let others know your intentions and situations (whether you're just looking for something short term/casual, are multi dating, or looking for long term). When the other is not aware then that's where complications arise. Some people don't know what they want and just jump into situations where they can't handle. Dating is good as long as you have fun and don't expect anything. If you find what you're looking for, then good for you, if not, move on and try again. As for me, I date to get to know people. You can't just interview them to know them, it has to be incorporated with going out, dinners or activities. My rule of thumb is if after a month, I should know if we are compatible with our basic relationship needs and values. Because after a month, you develop feelings which will cloud your judgment to see some red flags. If I think we're not compatible after a month then I would move on, if we are then we continue to date. Edited November 2, 2012 by Sunfire73
Mrlonelyone Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I have never dated just to date. I have hooked up just to hook up. So I'm not going to make a moral judgement. I don't do either now because they are both kind of empty. Why pretend to be in a relationship? Just so you don't have to feel like a so called "looser" for not being in one. I know that's what people think of us loners. Eventually I figured out why hook up just to hook up? What I wanted wasn't the physical touch, but the emotional content of intimacy (with or without sex) from someone I care about. Different people, at different times, want different things. Some people really need the validation of being in a relationship, just as some can live with only the release of casual sex.
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