Author terlislee Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 I want to text him that I hate him.
Author terlislee Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 This is so hard, I really really wanna do it, I feel like I've always apologized and he thinks I'm the pathetic ex waiting for him forever. I just want to get some self respect back by letting him know I'm far from okay with what he's done and don't blindly love him still. But I know sending it almost four months after he disappeared will look pathetic as well, like I still let him get to me too much, and also I'm not sure I wouldn't go and apologize to him again in a few days since I hate parting on bad terms with people, I never ever do it and that's why I have such trouble with the way he left. I could send it from my UK phone that I don't really use now, switch it off and never look back, but in the back of my mind I know how childish and desperate it would probably seem to him, I doubt he even reads the texts to be honest. I know what I should really do is delete his number from both my phones and burn the diary page where he wrote it down for me. The only thing that's stopping me is losing all the text messages from him I think I'm gonna download some backup application and save them on my external harddrive that I hardly use. I don't know what to do about email though, I can't make myself forget his address, I guess I will just have to be strong. I still keep my FB deactivated, blocked him on Skype etc., but I've slipped horribly this weekend and logged into my old FB account, googled him and all that crazy stuff I'm mad at myself I have no willpower when I'm feeling down. Also whenever someone ignores you it just makes you want to contact them over and over again and it always takes me a few days to snap out of that.
LostOne1 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 This is so hard, I really really wanna do it, I feel like I've always apologized and he thinks I'm the pathetic ex waiting for him forever. I just want to get some self respect back by letting him know I'm far from okay with what he's done and don't blindly love him still. But I know sending it almost four months after he disappeared will look pathetic as well, like I still let him get to me too much, and also I'm not sure I wouldn't go and apologize to him again in a few days since I hate parting on bad terms with people, I never ever do it and that's why I have such trouble with the way he left. I could send it from my UK phone that I don't really use now, switch it off and never look back, but in the back of my mind I know how childish and desperate it would probably seem to him, I doubt he even reads the texts to be honest. I know what I should really do is delete his number from both my phones and burn the diary page where he wrote it down for me. The only thing that's stopping me is losing all the text messages from him I think I'm gonna download some backup application and save them on my external harddrive that I hardly use. I don't know what to do about email though, I can't make myself forget his address, I guess I will just have to be strong. I still keep my FB deactivated, blocked him on Skype etc., but I've slipped horribly this weekend and logged into my old FB account, googled him and all that crazy stuff I'm mad at myself I have no willpower when I'm feeling down. Also whenever someone ignores you it just makes you want to contact them over and over again and it always takes me a few days to snap out of that. no use keeping backups.. what's the point? As I see it you if you move on you won't want them. If you some how magically ever get back together you will want NEW memories. So keeping these old ones is a waste and you won't move on. You need to delete his number, block him from your life. Or you won;t move on and it will eat you from the inside.
plee61 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 terlislee, I hope you will stay NC and no more texting him. You would hate yourself more if you still text him and being ignored. I was missing my ex so much after BU, I searched him on the Internet, the old pics, emails and feeling even harder each time. But I have stayed NC since BU, because I don't want him to hate me or have no respect for me. NC is not easy. I hope we all learn from each BU experience and be more "careful" picking our next partner. Good luck Terlislee.
Author terlislee Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Thank you for the support! I won't text him again, it would look so silly to him and he would only get another ego boost, and it's not like I actually truly hate him anyway. I've deleted the number from both phones, made the texts backup but put it somewhere away I'd never look, blocked his number for incoming calls/texts, deleted him from my email contacts (I still remember the address but at least now I'd have to type it first) and made a filter for his emails to go to a hidden folder so I can stop waiting for nothing whenever I check my mail. Now I'm in the process of removing his pictures from my phone. I've also blocked like half the internet on my laptop browser, so now if I google him nothing relevant will ever pop up and I won't be able to directly access any of the existing sites associated with him either. I can't do that on my phone so I just deactivated the internet there. Goodbye ex.
plee61 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Good on you terlislee. You are moving on very well. Life being a single female can be wonderful, that is the bright side
Author terlislee Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 Well I'm not sure, I'm still dying inside and my life's a mess, but I just don't want him to know any of that so I won't reach out anymore no matter how down I might be feeling.
NeverPlayaPlayer Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 You need to reclaim your dignity, self respect and love for yourself sharpish. You keep giving him all the power and he clearly doesnt give a toss...why would you want to be with somebody or even give them this power when they dont value you or cherish you? I very recently ended a relationship not because of anyone else, not because it didnt love her but because i dont think she really loved and cherished me in the same way that did her. She was my princess, was my priority but i dont think i was hers. I loved her very much and still do, i even reached out to repair even though i had ended it, so far all i know is that she doesnt want me back and frankly is proving my reason for breaking up with her. Its very hard i know, even when youve done the breaking up but and unfortunately if your partner really wanted you, loved you, they would fight to keep you and show you the love and respect. Stop feeding his ego he doesnt deserve you. 1
NeverPlayaPlayer Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 and stop depriving yourself and the world of your beauty, get back out there, lift your head up and smile....
plee61 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 The dying inside effect does come back to me sometimes. Still cannot believe I won't see him anymore. When I started going to the beach on my own I was hoping to see him there, but thought he might turn up with another girl:sick: So I have stopped hoping to see him at places we used to go together. Have you tried setting a routine? You need one especially for the weekend. Feeling lonely makes the dying inside worse.
Author terlislee Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 The dying inside effect does come back to me sometimes. Still cannot believe I won't see him anymore. When I started going to the beach on my own I was hoping to see him there, but thought he might turn up with another girl:sick: So I have stopped hoping to see him at places we used to go together. Have you tried setting a routine? You need one especially for the weekend. Feeling lonely makes the dying inside worse. I used to do that too the first months after the break-up, expecting to bump into him and being terrified of it at the same time. Thankfully I'm in a different country now, so it's easier to pretend he doesn't exist anymore. I have no routine whatsover even on week days, it's one of the things I know I need to work on and the trigger of my depression. In my head I know all the steps I should take to get over this, but it's incredibly hard to follow through. I think I should start seeing a therapist again. As for feeling lonely I have these different phases, after the break up I'd throw myself at everybody who would listen, talked for hours to my friends, sought approval from other guys etc. Now I've just closed myself down and don't really want to be in contact with anyone apart from my family until I sort my problems out. I don't know if it's the best way to go, because I do feel lonely sometimes, but lonely for him only, not my friends.
plee61 Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 I like your profile picture I wonder why some men can just walk away without much feeling of attachment. Maybe they have enough use of sex? And think it is not worth it anymore?
Author terlislee Posted December 8, 2012 Author Posted December 8, 2012 Yeah I think 95% of our "dates" consisted of me coming over because he was always too busy/tired to go out, I felt like his call girl at times. Once he got cut off going abroad he probably realized a relationship was too much of an effort for him at that time. I wish he would have at least told me and broken up with me like a man, but apparently he was too busy feeling sorry for himself and too much of an immature selfish coward to actually do that. Anyway, a week without checking up on him/contacting him. I wonder why NC was so much easier few months back, I guess I still had some hope left back then
Author terlislee Posted December 29, 2012 Author Posted December 29, 2012 A month of NC and I feel sad and like I should try contacting him or at least check up on him again. I won't do it though the pain of there being zero reply again would be too much. I'm so pathetic that I feel anxious about him not contacting me even if I blocked everything. It's because deep down I know he wouldn't anyway. I never thought I would still miss him so much come Christmas, but I know it's only my fault. Most of the people who broke up in summer and came here seem to have moved on by now and I'm still stuck. I'm going to therapy again and trying to get my life in order but it's not easy and I'm mad at myself for not trying hard enough. Also reading LS makes me feel like I was a horrible girlfriend and question everything, like I deserve to feel this bad forever. I'm so incredibly tired all the time just thinking about him.
Author terlislee Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 I cant stanf the silence from him i cut myself im nothing
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