terlislee Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Hi LS, I've been reading the forum for a few months now and it helped me a lot in dealing with my break up, so thank you. I don't feel like writing down the whole story right now, but I really need a place where I can go vent when I feel the urge to break NC again. I did this past weekend after six weeks (from my side, haven't heard from him since mid August when he blocked me on FB) and now I'm back to square one I emailed him twice, first on Friday just saying I miss him and hope he's doing well, then I internet stalked him like an idiot after successfully avoiding all information about him during NC, and then two days ago I got drunk and sent him an email I had saved as a draft for a few weeks and never intended to actually send. It was a short one basically telling him I love him and apologizing for being a horrible girlfriend and that I hope he can forgive me one day and really just blaming myself for everything. He of course ignored both of them. I don't even know how I feel about it anymore, I just know I cannot break NC again and keep showing him my utter lack of dignity like this. So yeah, day 2 today.
21flames Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Who left who? Was there another person involved?
Author terlislee Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 He left me and no there was no one else, at least that's what he said, but I think there might have been. His reasons were he had too much going on and had no time for a relationship, that he felt choked sometimes, that he wanted to be with me, but knew it might not be possible and that he would always be at least a friend. I got all that via texts/fb messages, we were in different countries for a few weeks and when we both got back he was too busy to break up with me in person and basically told me to f**k off and leave him alone. We met by coincidence a week after that, I pretended not to see him, but he came to me and asked how I was and said he was sorry for not meeting me and I just started crying like an idiot, he hugged me for half an hour, apologizing for being an ******* and explaining why he was so busy, then he said he would call me, which I didn't really believe he would. He did though and asked me out for dinner, but in the end that never happened and eventually he just blocked me on FB and cut me out of his life. I kept trying to contact him after that a few times, making excuses for him, but then I saw our mutual friend posting pictures of them hanging out together on the weekend he was supposedly too busy to even text and that was it. I gave up and mailed him his things and the gifts he gave me and ignored his birthday. A week later I felt bad about it, so I sent him an email apologizing for my part in how things went down, for acting like I did, for smothering him etc. Next week I sent another stupid email and a text asking if we could be friends. Then I realized I need to stop hurting myself like this and went NC. I've been in pieces over this for months due to the break up being dragged out over the whole summer and me never even getting to talk to him about it in person properly. I also keep blaming myself for lots of things. I have no idea if there was someone else, though I think it just got too much for him and he wanted to focus on himself and have a break from everything. He is an extremely smart guy and a workaholic and there was always too much drama between us due to me being needy when I was stressed out and him on the other hand needing lots of space. The last few months were really hard for him, he had several bad news from home and also academic wise, which I felt was my fault, he's also trying to start his PhD and he was just always under lots of pressure. I tried to be there for him as much as possible, but I guess that only pushed him away and I should have given him more space instead. Either way, I think I didn't deserve to be treated the way he did. He knows how much he is hurting me by the silent treatment, how much I trusted him, and he doesn't give a damn. I think by now I'm grieving more for losing him as a person than for the relationship itself, though I still love him and care for him so much and want him physically. He's really young still (I'm 26 and he's 21) and we only dated since February and knew we would be living in different countries soon, so there was always a bit of a question mark over the relationship, but he was always the one determined to make it work. There was lots of drama, but also lots of love and I still think he is one of the most special people I've met in my life and I'm dying inside thinking I lost him forever.
Author terlislee Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 Ah weekends are the worst I'm feeling empty inside, I'm months behind on my uni work, but there just seems no point in anything when he hates me so much, I wish I could sleep the whole day so I don't have to think about it.
Author terlislee Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 I feel so crushed and that by contacting him i killed all chances of him ever coming back. I hate myself for being so weak
SBC Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 Be kind to yourself. You are not weak, you are just struggling with a rough patch. Why do you want this particular guy so badly? Specifically. Whenever I wrestle with emotions like yours, this is the question I ask myself. Sometimes I find I don't have a good answer. And that is when I start to question why then am I feeling miserable??
Author terlislee Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 Be kind to yourself. You are not weak, you are just struggling with a rough patch. Why do you want this particular guy so badly? Specifically. Whenever I wrestle with emotions like yours, this is the question I ask myself. Sometimes I find I don't have a good answer. And that is when I start to question why then am I feeling miserable?? Thank you. I guess for me it's just hard to accept the way he left, I hate when someone just disappears without an explanation. My previous ex did that as well and I spent a year and half in therapy after that. I promised myself I would never drive anyone away like this again and here I am. I'm going to concentrate on myself now for a few months and try to get my life under control and improve my self-esteem, because unless I work out my own issues no relationship will work. I wish we could have parted on friendly terms, agreed on NC mutually etc. and had some chance of being friends in the future. I no longer feel like dying without him and I don't think I would want to be in a relationship with him again, I wouldn't trust him anymore and it just wouldn't work, but I had so much respect and admiration for him as a person (doesn't mean I idolized him, he had lots of flaws just like everyone) that I would like to keep him in my life somehow. I hate not knowing why he left like this, I also keep caring too much about whether he's happy and doing well, and then I always need to remind myself to snap out of it, stop blaming myself and focus on whether I am well and happy, because I'm the one I should be caring about. He left me and doesn't give a damn so why should I.
Author terlislee Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 I've deactivated my FB today to help me heal. I just want to erase him out of my life completely. He might be an amazing person, but what he did to me wasn't amazing and I don't know why I've kept apologizing when he should be the one doing that. I hate him and have no respect for him anymore. Not because he left, but because of the way he did it. I don't want him back, not even as a friend. I don't need his approval or forgivness.
mano Posted November 10, 2012 Posted November 10, 2012 oh dear, u n i have quite the same situation, he was there for me n really cared a lot though the relationship was a question mark but he always said he was willing to make it work. he too left me without giving a specific reason, just that he was under a lot pf pressure n could not handle being in a relationship as he had so much going on. we too had some dramas going on as i got a little needy n he needed loads of space, and in the end he too ended up telling me to **** of. i admit the mistake u n i both made was that we bent ourselves too much n tried to get him back. i too keep blaming myself. but really, u gotta stop doing that. whatever the circumstances were u definitely didn't deserve to be treated this way. just don't blame yourself it will just make you feel worse n u gonna keep on holding on to your past. i hope u succeed with this no contact. best of luck
Author terlislee Posted November 11, 2012 Author Posted November 11, 2012 oh dear, u n i have quite the same situation, he was there for me n really cared a lot though the relationship was a question mark but he always said he was willing to make it work. he too left me without giving a specific reason, just that he was under a lot pf pressure n could not handle being in a relationship as he had so much going on. we too had some dramas going on as i got a little needy n he needed loads of space, and in the end he too ended up telling me to **** of. i admit the mistake u n i both made was that we bent ourselves too much n tried to get him back. i too keep blaming myself. but really, u gotta stop doing that. whatever the circumstances were u definitely didn't deserve to be treated this way. just don't blame yourself it will just make you feel worse n u gonna keep on holding on to your past. i hope u succeed with this no contact. best of luck Thank you! Good luck to you too I don't have the urge to contact him anymore, I know it would have to come from him and honestly I don't think I'm ready to actually talk to him even if he wanted to. I've also embraced the thought it might never happen and I'm okay with it, which is progress I guess. Now it's all about the moving on, accepting what I did wrong, forgiving him for what he did wrong and just recovering from the last few months, working on my self-improvement etc. It's slow and hard and I still cry, but at the same time I know it's getting better.
Author terlislee Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 why does he hate me so mcuh
cloudatlas Posted November 12, 2012 Posted November 12, 2012 Okay okay okay Terlise I want to give you ALL the hugs because I understand EXACTLY what you're going through. I wish we could have parted on friendly terms, agreed on NC mutually etc. and had some chance of being friends in the future. I no longer feel like dying without him and I don't think I would want to be in a relationship with him again, I wouldn't trust him anymore and it just wouldn't work, but I had so much respect and admiration for him as a person (doesn't mean I idolized him, he had lots of flaws just like everyone) that I would like to keep him in my life somehow. I hate not knowing why he left like this, I also keep caring too much about whether he's happy and doing well, and then I always need to remind myself to snap out of it, stop blaming myself and focus on whether I am well and happy, because I'm the one I should be caring about. He left me and doesn't give a damn so why should I. Ahhhhh. Just, yes. Exactly. That's exactly how I feel. I remember one week of NC had me in a breakdown - I just wanted to know he was alive and well, that everything would be okay. Just to know I was still able to get in contact with someone that was everything to me. (Yes, unhealthy. It was an unhealthy situation from the get-go.) And, except, while he did give me an explanation and everything - he refused to see himself in any negative light and blamed everything on me. I spent about two months listing and agreeing with everything I did wrong, and willing to take all the blame and give up my identity just to be allowed to stay with him. In some parts, I still am. But, I mean. I know a did a bunch of things wrong but so did he. All I wanted was for him to apologize and admit it, and then promise a chance of at least conversation in a year or something. I'll never understand how someone can be as cruel as he was, to deliberately hurt someone with every card you have - and even worse, because he held all of the cards. Basically, I understand where you're coming from. Facebook is a leech, it's good that you deleted yours. I can't imagine one time it hasn't caused problems for someone. All the hugs, no really. ALL of them. Find another distraction, or a project. Projects are GREAT. They throw all of your current attention on them. It's the best.
Author terlislee Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 Okay okay okay Terlise I want to give you ALL the hugs because I understand EXACTLY what you're going through. Ahhhhh. Just, yes. Exactly. That's exactly how I feel. I remember one week of NC had me in a breakdown - I just wanted to know he was alive and well, that everything would be okay. Just to know I was still able to get in contact with someone that was everything to me. (Yes, unhealthy. It was an unhealthy situation from the get-go.) And, except, while he did give me an explanation and everything - he refused to see himself in any negative light and blamed everything on me. I spent about two months listing and agreeing with everything I did wrong, and willing to take all the blame and give up my identity just to be allowed to stay with him. In some parts, I still am. But, I mean. I know a did a bunch of things wrong but so did he. All I wanted was for him to apologize and admit it, and then promise a chance of at least conversation in a year or something. I'll never understand how someone can be as cruel as he was, to deliberately hurt someone with every card you have - and even worse, because he held all of the cards. Basically, I understand where you're coming from. Facebook is a leech, it's good that you deleted yours. I can't imagine one time it hasn't caused problems for someone. All the hugs, no really. ALL of them. Find another distraction, or a project. Projects are GREAT. They throw all of your current attention on them. It's the best. Thank you! xx I don't understand why they do that, it's such a selfish, immature and cowardly thing to do. I still have hard time wrapping my head around what happened and keep feeling humiliated and hurt and like some disposable toy he got tired of playing with so he just threw it away without any warning or explanation. He knew he was hurting me, kept stringing me along, lying to me, promising to talk to me only to always cancel last minute giving me some stupid excuse, he blocked me and cut me out completely when my mum called that my dog was dying even though he knew I had no one else to turn to in that country but him. I hate him so much. He went from crazy in love to treating me like I was some kind of disease. I never begged him to take me back or anything, just asked to talk and break up in person since we hadn't see each other for almost two months during which it all went wrong and I had no idea why, I thought he at least owed me that. I guess I wanted too much It makes me sick thinking he might have left for another girl, because if I knew that I would have never made an idiot out of myself trying to talk to him ruining my dignity.
Author terlislee Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 you haven't broken NC again have you No I haven't, I'm just feeling extremely down these days thinking about what happened. I'm avoiding any possible information about him though and I know I will never contact him again, there's no point. I need to move on.
Author terlislee Posted November 25, 2012 Author Posted November 25, 2012 Sticking to NC but it's getting really hard, I keep thinking about contacting him a lot, especially in the morning. The thing is I know it's irrational and I would only do it to get my "fix" and feel better for a few hours and then horrible again, because I know he wouldn't reply. I also keep myself from searching any info about him, right now I have no idea what city or country he lives in, what and how's he doing, if he's seeing someone etc. and I know any little thing I'd find out would either hurt me, set me back or make me want to contact him more. Hell I'm still avoiding any information about my ex from two years ago for the same reasons. The thing is my life's a complete mess at the moment so I feel like reaching out to him when feeling down. I'm also switching between being angry at him and blaming myself still, I wish I could just forgive and stop thinking about it. Deleting fb helped, but I made myself completely isolated, not talking to RL friends either, I'm depressed, and super anxious about uni 24/7 because I messed up big time the past few months but cannot find the motivation or brain capacity to make it better. It's been constant stress and worrying for months and months over something normal people can accomplish in a few weeks. The break up left me feeling like there's no point in anything, like I'm too worthless to even try. I don't want to let it destroy my life, I kind of did with the previous one and I still hate myself for not being stronger then. I don't wanna go through the whole therapy/antidepressants cycle again, but truth is I feel like killing myself most of the time, it seems like the only managable solution.
na49 Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 I'm sorry to hear about your situation terlislee, but you HAVE to stay strong. It hasn't even been a full month of no contact, and my ex completely disrespected me at the end of our relationship. I still have those moments where I feel like contacting her, but then I say to myself. "Don't do it. Don't give her an ego boost. She's already won, I have to chalk it up as a loss and move on. Contacting her to tell her how I miss her won't make her miss me or apologize for what she did. She'd probably show all of her friends and laugh at me for looking so desperate" I'd recommend you tell yourself the same thing when you have thoughts of contacting your ex. We were both disrespected and shouldn't like our exes after what they did, but for some dumb reason we feel we owe them something. The reality is, we don't owe them anything. They'll continue living their lives, and as painful as it is to believe, they'll enjoy their lives without us. Even if we gave them all of the respect we possibly could. If they weren't enjoying their life, then they'd come crying back. That doesn't mean we can't enjoy our lives without them. There was a point in your life where you were happy without him. So it is possible to be happy without him again. If your life has been rough, talk to family or friends. I find that taking some time to myself and venting and just thinking about things helps me too. It's normal for it to take time, but you need to try to improve, and it doesn't look like you are trying hard enough. If you don't want to improve, you won't. You are strong enough to not let this beat you. It doesn't just happen, I wish it did, but you can get through this.
movingon12 Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 Terislee I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I just read your thread and you sound just like me 5 years ago. But I can tell you it gets better. Not soon. But it will. In the meantime do whatever you need to do to get through it. If that means antidepressants to take the worst of the sting off for a while maybe you should try it. But do try to connect with friends - right now you have an ex shaped hole in your life. You're doing really well to let that hole shrink and close but if you find things to fill it with it will disappear much faster (and yes I do know how hard that is- you just have to do it anyway). It gets better. It really does.
LostOne1 Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 It does slowly get better, it's almost 3 months since we had a huge fight.. and our BU and it's been about 3 weeks since I last talked to her. Is it easier? Some what.. but your motivation suffers, you don't enjoy things you once did. I know I feel guilty with my hobbies, because I always tried to spend time on my hobbies. And my ex always guilted me into being a bad person for not spending that time on her. Does it get easier.. slowly it does, but I've heard it takes half the relationship to get over someone. So in my case it was a 3 yrs relationship so it will typically take 1.5 yrs to get over them fully. Just half the time of the relationship. THIS is JUST a typical estimate I hear.. but I know my last relationship lasted about the same time almost and it took me 1.5-2 yrs to fully heal and move on. And even then I was still lonely and that's how I met my recent ex. Makes me wonder if this time I can just forget the loneliness factor.
Author terlislee Posted November 30, 2012 Author Posted November 30, 2012 i broke nc i texted him saying i miss him as a friend. and few hours later another text asking him to at least give me a reason. i switched my phone off after that, but i know 100% he won't reply. i felt so helpless about everything, i slept maybe 60 hours the last three days trying to escape reality, and this felt like it would give me some power back, you know, doing something proactive instead of being the passive recipient of pain and his silent treatment, but now i just want to die. i hate this, how come i can go months without talking to friends i love, but with him the fact he cut me off without explanation and ignores me completely and therefore making me feel like every time i contact him i do something unspeakably horrible, it's what's driving me insane and makes me want to get some kind of confirmation from him, that he doesn't hate me. he's friends with exes who cheated on him so why am i the terrible one who doesn't deserve a single word
LostOne1 Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 i broke nc i texted him saying i miss him as a friend. and few hours later another text asking him to at least give me a reason. i switched my phone off after that, but i know 100% he won't reply. i felt so helpless about everything, i slept maybe 60 hours the last three days trying to escape reality, and this felt like it would give me some power back, you know, doing something proactive instead of being the passive recipient of pain and his silent treatment, but now i just want to die. i hate this, how come i can go months without talking to friends i love, but with him the fact he cut me off without explanation and ignores me completely and therefore making me feel like every time i contact him i do something unspeakably horrible, it's what's driving me insane and makes me want to get some kind of confirmation from him, that he doesn't hate me. he's friends with exes who cheated on him so why am i the terrible one who doesn't deserve a single word maybe he's doing it, because he knows you will text and reach. I mean NC many times makes the person being ignored miss you lots. He also could be ignoring you, because he really is done with you and ignoring you is a way to easily move on. I know how you feel.. the urge to break NC. I feel it this week.. but I realize what good does it do? They have moved on and dont't care and ignore us. So what's the point? My ex even told me.. STOP msg me and have some SELF RESPECT.. I don't want to be with someone like you... That's when I realized she's right.. I'm throwing away my self respect and I did it so many times when she BU with me... that maybe if I went NC from day 1... maybe she'd respect me more. It's a hard lesson to learn and I know how you feel. But I think at some point it finall just goes away. What helped me the most was taking a vacation away. I went to the other side of the world with my family. Came back as a new fresh person, yes then valentines day came around and I felt the loneliness, but I didn't miss her at all. Just felt like I had no one to share the day with.... 1
cavalier99 Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 It does slowly get better, it's almost 3 months since we had a huge fight.. and our BU and it's been about 3 weeks since I last talked to her. Is it easier? Some what.. but your motivation suffers, you don't enjoy things you once did. I know I feel guilty with my hobbies, because I always tried to spend time on my hobbies. And my ex always guilted me into being a bad person for not spending that time on her. Does it get easier.. slowly it does, but I've heard it takes half the relationship to get over someone. So in my case it was a 3 yrs relationship so it will typically take 1.5 yrs to get over them fully. Just half the time of the relationship. THIS is JUST a typical estimate I hear.. but I know my last relationship lasted about the same time almost and it took me 1.5-2 yrs to fully heal and move on. And even then I was still lonely and that's how I met my recent ex. Makes me wonder if this time I can just forget the loneliness factor. Oh man don't even tell me it'll take half the time the relationship to recover if that is the case I'm really scr-wed because my relationship was about 8 years long lol:(:eek: I'm just going to ignore that and go with months. Hell yeah only... 2 months more to go until this crap is in the rear view mirror!
Author terlislee Posted December 1, 2012 Author Posted December 1, 2012 Great now I'm absolutely terrified to switch my phone on again, I'm not ready to deal with another no reply, it's like a huge black hole looming over me and I'm gonna feel so completely lonely and worthless when I see he's ignored me again, I can't explain it. And on the off chance he actually replied I know it would be something nasty like "leave me the **** alone" and that would just kill me. I'm such an idiot I thought I was doing so much better and I should be, we were dating for such a short time, but with RL crumbling all around me the past few months everything keeps going downhill. I'm back to crying and hurting like during the first few weeks after he left.
LostOne1 Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 Great now I'm absolutely terrified to switch my phone on again, I'm not ready to deal with another no reply, it's like a huge black hole looming over me and I'm gonna feel so completely lonely and worthless when I see he's ignored me again, I can't explain it. And on the off chance he actually replied I know it would be something nasty like "leave me the **** alone" and that would just kill me. I'm such an idiot I thought I was doing so much better and I should be, we were dating for such a short time, but with RL crumbling all around me the past few months everything keeps going downhill. I'm back to crying and hurting like during the first few weeks after he left. that's why you need NC. Because you remove them from your life and daily interactions and slowly over time your mind builds up the plan of them not being around anymore. Slowly you get over them this way... but if you text him or contact him.. then your back at step one.
Author terlislee Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 Well he hasn't replied I've gone from devastated to angry to numb to feeling sorry for him (yeah I know that's ****ed up, but I can't help persuading myself that things probably aren't going well for him atm, I really want him to be happy still) to just extremely sad in the past few hours. I'm so weak for only managing 6 weeks of NC at a time while I haven't heard from him since beginning of August. Anyways, NC day 2 again. Sigh.
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